Surprise, Surprise

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Couple of big surprises yesterday. First, I got a call from Bubbles who works at my future employer...and apparently they announced at a meeting that they are start a hiring freeze until peak season (probably September). Now, I haven't heard anything from the HR director or anything...so it's not official...but more than likely that I may be staying here in Utah for the summer. We shall see. So we were both a little bummed about this turn of events...but it does make sense. They're in very slow season, the economy's in the toilet, everybody has financial issues & to bring on the amount of employees that would require an orientation just doesn't seem cost effective...even if they're a little shorthanded right now. I understand...and I can wait...but yeah, I just hope that I get to work for this company...because I like it a lot. I just don't wanna be stalled for a long time in the same job with nowhere to go. At least I have a job though...and everything happens for a reason, so I'm not worried. Being best buds, Bubbles & I consoled each other...and it's always good to hear her voice...as most men know, one of their favorite sounds in the word is to hear a woman sound a pitious "Ahhh...I'm sorry" when it's not even their fault to help cheer you up. But then another surprise came up...

I called my mom to tell her about this (unofficial) turn of events...and she mentioned to me that she was going to Mesquite on Friday the 13th...and she said it to me as if I had known this and was invited but said no...which never happened. "Well, can I go with you guys?" "Of course, I thought that I had already asked you." "Nope. Would remember something like that." For those of you who don't know, Mesquite is about an hour away from Las Vegas...so I called Bubbles & told her the news that I'd be nearby this weekend wondering if she'd come & pick me up so that we could hang out. She was overjoyed, of course. Then she mentioned a karaoke jam with her female coworkers Friday night & invited me...so it sounds like I'm going to have a fun little weekend in Vegas to overcome my grief from not having a job there until September-ish. Again, it's not official because I haven't heard anything from the HR director...but yeah, that's the situation. Who knows? I may just have to check out other opportunities in the area while I'm down there...but I really like that company. We shall see. It all happens for a reason.

Watching "Gangs of New York" on USA right now starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Daniel Day-Lewis, Liam Neeson, John C. Reilly, Cameron Diaz, and directed by Martin Scorsese. Now, when this first came out, I thought...gangs? In 1860's? DiCaprio? Whatever. No need to watch this one. However, let me tell you...it's a Martin Scorsese film at its finest. Blood, anger, guts, intrigue, drama, revenge, power, Daniel Day-Lewis screaming & slashing, great flick. Check it out if you ever get the chance. Put the kids to bed first though. It's not for them.

I also got to thinking (somehow) about movies that I used to watch as a kid with my parents. Now, my parents had movies like "Ghostbusters", "Back to the Future", "Romancing the Stone", "Revenge of the Nerds", "Ladyhawke", "Karate Kid", "Goonies" (tehehe One-Eyed Willy), and other movies that are more PG-13 at best. As you know, for the most part, movies geared towards children are:

1. Rated PG - I mean...do they even make G films anymore? Kids shouldn't be going to the movies by themselves anyway, right? I think a requirement for G films is no poop jokes or motions faster than 5 miles per hour...and that's just not going to keep kids attention these days.

2. The Stories are Ridiculous - This may just be the anime that my brother wants to show me every time that I'm near him...and I'm not 100% sure it's geared towards children...but if not them, who the f**k would watch this stuff? Now they're making a Dragon Ball Z movie. Can't imagine how much that's going to suck.

3. You Feel Like You're Forced to Watch It - While the little kids are fascinated by the vivid colors and screen flashes that may or may not lead to epilepsy, you're sitting on the couch trying to doze off...but the sound of children's laughter & Wanda Sykes' voice keep you up. Occasionally, the kids'll jump on you because they're so excited (or sense your comfort level has increased).

4. Have at Least One Annoying Comedian Voice - On the Wanda Sykes kick, there's usually an Andy Dick, Robin Williams (at least he's funny most of the time), Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen DeGeneres (funny too), David Spade, or some other I can't think of off hand (mental block) that just gets more annoying than the cameraman on "Cloverfield" after a while...and that's saying a lot.

5. I'm sure there are more...but by this time, I'm giving the kids back to my brother & running home to have some Me & Milla time. However, I thought that I'd help out...and give you a list of kids shows that you can watch with them...and enjoy the experience with them more...because you'll enjoy the movie's subtle innuendos and just little jokes that you may come up with (or have been told to you by others such as myself if we watch them together). So here it goes...

Kid's Movies Adults Can Enjoy Too

Medal Winners

Gold - The Little Mermaid (1989) - Disney animated features as a whole are usually pretty good...well, fifty-fifty. "The Lion King" is a f**king classic. "Beauty & the Beast", "Aladdin", "Hunchback of Notre Dame", "Snow White & the Seven Dwarves", "Sleeping Beauty", "Jungle Book", "Peter Pan", "Bambi", "Robin Hood", on & on, usually have a pretty good moral story, singable soundtrack, a little bit of comedy...and a hot princess never hurt anybody. So why out of all of these do I suggest The Little Mermaid? Lion King was very close...but I had to give the nod to the story of a teenage redhead runaway who learns the valuable lesson that the way to win that Prince Charming is to get a nice set of legs, lose the crabs (and other sea creatures), don't talk, feel free to walk around naked (or with a seashell top), and enjoy your body as much as he does. Oh...and watch out for witchy whores that steal your thunder...and your man. Love that movie. Now please go watch it with your kids. You'll enjoy it a little bit more.

Silver - Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (1988) - Now, the story of this is really PG-13 and you can't deny the raw sexual appeal of Jessica Rabbit's body with Kathleen Turner's voice (What the f**k happened to her? Please, take her as a warning to not smoke & do drugs. Such a tragedy...) The story of an animated rabbit framed for murder...and his alliance with an alcoholic dick (private investigator) whose brother was killed by a toon to prove his innocence. Throw in cameos by nearly every Disney or Warner Brothers characters, animated-live action interaction, great sexual innuendo (I've always loved to play patty cake), Christopher Lloyd as a villain, and you've got a great show that kids & adults will enjoy more & more. It would be gold...but it had to go to Disney...in hopes that they would sponsor my blog someday. Now, if Robert Zemeckis wants to sponsor me, I'll switch it up...since I talk about "Back to the Future" & "Forrest Gump" enough. Think about it, Bobbie Z. Have your people call my people (who may not exist).

Bronze - Shrek Trilogy (2001-07) - Mike Myers is funny. Eddie Murphy is usually funny. Antonio Benderas is funny whether he's a puss or a bee on Flonase commercials. These movies...are just funny. Sure, it gets a little disgusting at times...but it's the whole gross factor with the kids (Remember Double Dare? You Can't Do That on Television...with Alanis Morisette? GAK in general? Playing football in the mud...or cow pastures where I grew up?) and they love that stuff. Love that it makes fun of other kids stories & fairy tales too. "Do you know...the Muffin Man?" "The Muffin Man?" "The Muffin Man!!!" "Yes, I know the Muffin Man. Who lives on Drury Lane?" Oh why did John Lithgow have to be eaten by that dragon? Oh, sorry if that's a spoiler to one of the four people in America who haven't seen that movie. My bad.

Suggestion - Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend (1985) - Yet another movie that I was raised on...and I'm sure that I've talked about it before...but it's the great story about a couple who journey into war-torn Western Africa in search of a dinosaur...and find a family of three...and find them just in time for local warlords to kill the father, capture the mother, and now they must watch over the little one and free the mother. It's like Blood Diamond meets Jurassic Park...only more kid friendly. Well, there is one line in there were William Katt ("Greatest American Hero") is talking with an African pilot about arguing with his wife Sean Young ("Blade Runner") and the pilot responds, "If it was me...I'd smack the bitch." I never even realized it was said until I watched it last year...and couldn't stop laughing. Also, check out "Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest" (1992) with voices like Christian Slater, Samantha Mathis, Robin Williams, Tone Loc, Cheech AND Chong, and the great Tim Curry. It's about the devastation of the rain forest...and really rings true to today's environmental awareness...and there's even a hot brunette fairy. Nice. Think I'll throw in a picture...


Flush It - All Those Damn Unnecessary Sequels (???) - Now, I think Aladdin really started it back in the early nineties...but do we really need all these sequels? To EVERY Disney movie? I mean...the one that I keep coming back to whenever I think about it is "Cinderella II: Dreams Come True" and it's basically about Cinderella adjusting to her new life (so I've read because I refuse to watch it). However, my idea for a sequel to Cinderella goes a little more like this...

Scene: Prince Charming is walking into the kitchen the morning after their wedding night. Cinderella’s trying to cook an omelette…but not doing too well.
Prince: "Bon Giorno Principessa. Last night was amazing. I think you drained me out."
Cinderella whispers: "Yeah, it didn’t take too long either."
Prince sips coffee and spits it out: "What are you talking about?"
Cinderella: "Nothing…I just…have you ever…you know…before? I only ask because last night I timed you and I think you broke some kind of landspeed record a few times? I was feeling magic gravy before I even got my pantiloons off. Are you on the juice or something?"
Prince: "Are you serious? I’m Prince Charming. I’ve nailed half the village. Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Repunzel, Princess Ariel, Red Riding Hood…"
Cinderella: "What? You had sex with Little Red Riding Hood?"
Prince: "Hey, she’s 18…she’s not little anymore!!! Besides, I’m sure that you’ve had a few in your day. Rumplestiltzchen, the Hunchback, Dopey & Doc, you tag-teaming hussy."
Cinderella: "Well, I hope your mermaid whore gave you crabs…that could sing & dance."
Prince: "Yeah, well it’s a shame you never learned how to make a good cup of coffee…or an omelot…you smell that? I think the chimney’s clogged. Why don’t you make yourself useful? I’ve got people to do & places to see."
Cinderella: "You bastard!!! How could you be such an asshole?"
Prince: "Well, I guess we should have gotten to know each other for more than a day before we got married. This is who I AM sweetie. I’m a Prince." Can you tell that my parents divorced? Not exactly a heart warming tale...but please, when the story's done...let it be done.

Future Watch - Kung Fu Panda (In Theatres Now) - Can't wait to see this movie. Who knows? Maybe I'll see it this weekend, maybe not. Martial Arts, Pandas, Angelina's voice in a tiger (of course), can't really miss. Oh...and I look forward to spending time with my nieces & nephew when they're old enough to watch movies. Used to watch "Finding Nemo" with my nephew Canon all the time...but that was when I was babysitting him at my dad's house. Great kid. They're all great kids. Enjoy the movies.

Well, that'll do it for me for tonight. Have a great weekend everybody & I'll catch you up on Sunday or Monday or something. Wish me luck with the job situation...but like I said, it all happens for a reason. Maybe somebody out there's looking out for me. Who knows? It's the mystery & miracle of Life. Have a happy Friday the 13th too!!!

Birthday Weekend

A Fabulous Afternoon to all of my fans, both of you, hi mom,


This weekend was just one fun thing after another. Allow me to elaborate in a step-by-step process similar to last weekend...but with more cake involved.


Friday - 7/13/07 - Friday the 13th

• I worked eight hours taking phone calls & talking with great people. The one thing that I really don't like about this portion of my job...is that not ALL of the people that call in are great...and they want something for nothing...because they feel they are entitled to it. When somebody starts yelling at me & telling me what they're entitled to when it simply isn't true, that's when I get all parental on them, have a little verbal spat with them, and it usually ends with me yelling "Get a job or get out of my house!!!"


• Then Deja Vu hits!!! Not really, but I've seen this conversation between my brother & parents a few times...so it's really just a memory...but deja vu is just so...French...and as anybody can tell you, French stuff is some of the funnest to say...and it's sexy.


• Then I tripped on a black cat & fell under a ladder breaking the mirror that I always keep in my pocket...because I'm vain. Luckily, I got the mirror at Wal-Mart so I was only out $3.49 plus tax & Mittens was okay.


• After work, I went over to my dad's to give my car some much needed TLC but even in the dusk hours, it's incredibly hot here in Utah over the past few weeks. It was quite exhausting but there's one thing that kept me going...the fact that Jason Voorhees has never chopped up anybody while they were working on their car.


• I was invited to a coworker's birthday party (female, so I won't mention which number) and I was a little weary...because it was still Friday the 13th...and though I'm not particularly superstitious, I did see this news report on TV one late night about these kids getting chopped up near Crystal Lake because they were having a good time.


• So I went to the party & had a great time...but being my own designated driver, I only had a few Utah beers which is the equivalent of drinking a gallon of barley juice with a shot of gin. Please always have a designated driver...and if you don't have one...let the tall squinty-eyed guy with the nice car give you a ride home.


• The party was Friday the 13th themed. Everybody was given a REAL rabbit's foot, probably recycled from Utah Highway Cleanup efforts...but still really cool. There were mirrors to break, a ladder over the entryway, salt to spill, & anything else to tempt fate.


• I arrived late . I basically showed up for the 2nd half of the movie where people dance briefly to quirky 80's dance music, sit down & talk loudly, take a few more shots, then there's a little crying, and that's when $teve zones out of the conversation & looks for another barley juice.


• Good times were had by most...and most importantly, by me. Is that conceited? Maybe, but I feel that if you can't have a good time at a party, then it's your own damn fault. By the way, Julie, I'm still sorry for my hillbilly friend's brother being a jackass to you during my housewarming party. If it makes you feel any better, Karma has screwed him over via his ex-wife.


• Drove home safely.

Saturday - 7/14/07

• Woke up & finished watching the 1st Season of "Psych" and chased it with the pilot for "My Name is Earl" as I picked up around the house a tad & cleaned dishes.


• In the early afternoon, it got extremely warm again. My dad called & wanted to finish up working on my OTHER window that's been given me problems. Long story short, it still is.


• Within five minutes of calling it a day on the car, my buddy Andy (Spitsofrantic) called up & told me that he was having a Housewarming Barbeque for his new house that he's renting in North Ogden.


• I went to meet up with my brother at his house, but he was watching that damnable heretic Harry Potter in theatres. So that's when I put in my previous blog in about ten minutes time.


• I have no ill will towards Harry Potter, just so that you know. In fact, if people didn't tell me that I looked like him back when I wore glasses, then I probably would acknowledge him about as much as I acknowledge other people that I've been mistaken for...like DJ Qualls of "The New Kid." I don't really mind...because I seem to remember him getting with Eliza Dushku at the end of the movie...and I'm pretty sure that the final book coming out in a few weeks will end up with Harry hooking up with Hermione (by the way, it took me ten minutes to look up her name on the internet...that's how much I follow it)


• By the way, Monday night I'm going to watch the new Harry Potter movie with three girls. Why? Magic always turns on the ladies. Just ask Criss Angel.


• While I was enjoying an overcooked bratwurst, I wondered what the correct spelling of Bar-B-Q was. Obviously not what I just typed down...but my money was on the earlier spelling with the '-que' suffix. What do you think? Place your bets with your co-workers now.


• I had a designated driver this time (my pregnant sister-in-law) so I had a few beers, a few brats, & hung out with the crew as they passed around a bottle of Skyy Vodka, often commenting on how cool the bottle looked. I showed up a little late to this party too. I'm usually very punctual...but this weekend was a little different for some reason.


• After referring to Wikipedia (quickly putting Encyclopedia Brittanica out of business), I found that it was actually Barbecue with the '-cue' suffix.


• Went back to my brother's place & he convinced me to start a mySpace account and I tried to remember all my friend's email addresses off hand...but I had a few beers in me & had never navigated mySpace before...so I'll get the address & Friend Invites or whatever out to all of you one day. In the meantime, here's a link to MySpace. Please feel free to send me all the dirty messages & pictures that you want.


• I'm going to keep this blog though, because I can access it from work...and I like the fact that other can access it due to its lack of profanity & nudity. I take great pride in my PG-13 blog.


• I slept on his pullout sofa.....around 4 AM.

Sunday - 7/15/07 - Kiel's 24th birthday

• A lot has changed over the last year. That's usually what I think about when I have a birthday, so I'm going to lay it down for my brother too. Last year, we celebrated his birthday by going to Nickelcade, giving him presents like Otter Pops & Legos, & watching the Chipmunk Adventure, Captain Power & the Soldiers of the Future, & Back to the Future.


• This year, he now has two kids, ages 3 years & 9 months, a wife who works full-time & pregnant again, & a house payment so his priorities have shifted...slightly. He still finds time to play video games whenever possible...but the presents are more like diapers, baby food, & a check for the house payment.


• I'll tell you what though, big ups to my mom for keeping his family under a roof. God knows they wouldn't have been able to do it on their own. Everybody, could I please get a big round of applause for my mother? (ROARING APPLAUSE with occasional hooting)


• Anyway, we woke up around 11 AM and ate leftover pizza for breakfast. As usual, it was delicious & nutritious. Large Papa John's Barbecue Hawaiian Chicken Pizza for $11.99 limited time only is excellent. Papa John, if you're reading this, please send a complimentary pizza my way & I'll be sure to mention you in every blog entry.


• We went to Best Buy so that Kiel could look at all of the big screen plasma HDTVs. I kind of enjoyed it too...but I have the means to get one if I'd like...whereas he would have to ask really, really nice. Oh well, he's got a big screen. He just always wants more. It's the human condition...and not necessarily a horrible trait if used properly. Wow, I just turned looking at TVs into a comment on humanity. What the hell?


• After Ashley got off work, we went up to my mom's for my brother's birthday party. She made him a German Chocolate cake (best flavor ever) with a 24 pack of crayon candles. We talked about stuff that we usually talk about.


• On that note, my stepdad's cousin made a bet with me that she could go one full year without sexual stimulation of any sort. I explained the rules (being sadly experienced in this department) and she seemed skeptical but determined to prove to everybody that she could do it and 'regain her virginity.'


• Moments later, she mistook the word "Eulogy" for "Orgy" so I had to put $50 on her giving into sin. I'll let you know when money has exchanged hands...probably some time next week. If anybody else is interested in getting in on this 'gamble' then let me know & I'll run it past her.


• I hung out with my brother until his birthday was officially over. He conquered "Transformers the Game" and the peasants rejoiced. I then drove home listening to my "Funk Me Gently" mix and slept like a babe.

News of the Day - Location: Berlin, Germany - "Suddenly he stopped the bus," the woman named Debora C. told Bild newspaper. "He opened the door and shouted at me 'Your cleavage is distracting me every time I look into my mirror and I can't concentrate on the traffic. If you don't sit somewhere else, I'm going to have to throw you off the bus." I couldn't pick her out of the lineup in the picture though...see if you can.

Personally, if a voluptuous 20-year old German saleswoman like Debora C. were impeding my vision with her bosom, it's only polite to thank her first, then ask her to move out of the way. Not yell at her & threaten to kick her off the bus (his eyes probably never went above the neckline). I'll bet half of the gentlemen had a word or two for the bus driver...and the other half were a little bummed that they didn't notice somehow before the fiasco. However, safety is an important concern as well...as the spokeperson for the driver states...

"The bus driver is allowed to do that and he did the right thing," the spokesman said. "A bus driver cannot be distracted because it's a danger to the safety of all the passengers." What a way to go though...

Hold that thought until next time...