Return of the Jedi Thoughts

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

I've spent the last day or so at my brother's house hanging with him and my niece. Oh yeah, my sister-in-law was there briefly too...and I met the girl L that sent me text messages last week. It was a pretty laidback weekend. Today though, I watched "Return of the Jedi" for the first time in over a decade...and the first time with the Special Edition George Lucas add-ons. If you're not a Star Wars nerd, you may want to skip this one...but I'm warning you, some of them are pretty funny. Here are a few thoughts that I had will watching it.

• Jabba the Hutt doesn't seem like the meanest gangsta in all the universe. He doesn't seem that smart either. He calls his assistant with the snake-like ponytail for being weak-minded...but unless he's that brain-sucker slug from "Starship Troopers" then he probably wasn't that smart either...just really big and stinky.
• When Luke & that pig guard guy who saved Jabba fall down to meet the Rancor, this after he fed a green prude go-go dancer, wouldn't you think that working for Jabba has really bad benefits. "Hey Jabba, we're out of those squirmy things that you eat." "Wooby jabano kinky." Dropped into the Rancor pit for an inventory problem.
• Also, the other pig guard guys start pointing and laughing at their fallen companion...probably placing bets. "That's my cousin down there. Oh man, that's going to be an awkward call to Aunt Turktur. Who's got two minutes as the over-under?"
• Jedi Master Luke kills the Rancor with a rock...and apparently the door doesn't have one of those safety trip lasers like my garage door. That could have really came in handy.
• Jabba was killed by a damn near naked Princess Leia in the most non-erotic asphicsiation kind of way. Now that's gangsta!!!
• The greatest bounty hunter in all the universe Boba Fett was killed accidentally by a near blind Han Solo...oh and being slowly digested by the pit monster. Actually, you'd only last a few days before you died from not having water...so in those few days, would it really hurt that bad? Wouldn't you basically digest in water over the course of a thousand years? Oh yeah, it had those teeth, but Boba Fett had armor, right?
• Luke finds out that Leia's his sister. Next meeting, "Luke, what's the matter?" "Ask me again later." "Ugh okay, hey Luke, what's the matter?" "Okay, I just found out that...we're brother & sister." "Oh!!! That's great. Oh wait..." "Yeah, remember after we blew up the first Death Star...and Han Solo got his million credits...and you asked me what I wanted as payment...and so we kinda..." "OH MY GOD!!! We didn't know!!! No, that doesn't count, right?"
• Ewoks!!! The Emperial Forces were defeated by Ewoks. Why? Home field advantage!!!
• Also, how the hell did Luke, Han, & Chewie get captured and almost eaten by Ewoks before Leia stepped in (and C3PO bought his ass a ticket to the scrapyard)??? The Jedi Master asks Han to reach for his lightsabre. Doesn't he have the Force?
• There is no way the second Death Star was fully operational. It looked like somebody had dropped it floating in space. Also, the flaw in the first one was a two-meter hole which took a one-in-a-billion shot to destroy it. In the second one, you could fly the Millennium Falcon in at a number of ports, all leading to the main reactor, which took one shot to cause a chain reaction explosion. Those engineers sucked.
• Is it just me, or has Darth Vader gone from being the biggest badass in the universe in 1977 to being a pansy today? Allow me to elaborate...
• 1977 - He is the Dark Side of the Force, all decked out in black, a Jedi Master cyborg who is not to be messed with.
• 1980 - He's a father, let's his son escape because of this...but at least he cut off his hand to teach him a lesson.
• 1983 - He kills his boss to save his son...and in doing so gets electricuted and dies after a teary reunion with his son. He gets a hero's cremation...and come back in the end as a ghost with Yoda & Obe Wan. Sweet moment (except in the new version it's Hayden Christensen)
• 1999 - We find out that Darth Vader was a boy at one time...and even kind of cute & loveable...and had a thing for older chicks. He's a smart kid...and the great white hope of the Jedis.
• 2002 - He becomes a teenager. Falls in love with a girl who has a very...unique sense of hair style. He kills an entire village of sandpeople after killing they kill his mom (understandable). She's okay with it. He's a little conflicted...but gets over it quickly...after a good hearty cry. He doesn't listen to his buddy fighting an old Jedi turncoat, loses a hand. Goes home, gets married.
• 2005 - Summary: "I'm having dreams where you die. I'm gonna find a way to make you live forever. This creepy old senator says that he can tell me how. I think Obe Wan may be sleeping with my wife. I'll do whatever the creepy old guy says...even kill half the Jedi council...and all the kids who could be Jedis someday. WHAT HAVE I DONE? I'll kill Obe Wan too. Ah-ha, I've got you...AAAAGH!!! MY ARM!!! You got me. AAAGH!!! This is really hot. I'm so angry. Gosh thanks, now I'm a cyborg. Is Padme okay? I KILLED HER? (How?) NOOOOOOO!!!" From the embodiment of evil to the silliest, whiny baby I've heard since Jar Jar.
• Yoda is like 900 years old or whatever, right? In the last 20 years or so of that (between Episode II and VI), he went from fighting Count Dooku impressively to really falling apart...and eventually fading away like all Jedi masters do when they die (allegedly). That's what living in the swamp'll do to ya. Take note, Louisiana natives.
• I got to thinking...what did Yoda look like when he was young? Before his posture slumped a bit, he was more nimble, he had the first major stroke that messed up his speech patterns, and his hair grew in fully. I think it was something like this
  

I'd photoshop a lightsabre in if I could...but use your imagination. Anyway, have a good one. See ya tomorrow.

Another Quiz before Laundry

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

It's kind of a glum, windy day here...and my mom just called to tell me that it's snowing massive amounts up at her crib. This is the winter of our discontent...but I'm surprisingly content. So I thought that before I started my chores for the day (laundry, dishes, identify that urine smell, toilet scrubbing, etc.) that I would do a quiz survey thing that I was sent. Why not? Check in tomorrow...when I discuss the latest news & events...when I have time for it.

Body:
1. If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?
"Is it mine?"

2. Do you trust all of your friends?
I trust them to do what I expect them to do...for the most part.

3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
Yes'm...but first things first...let's get to finding that Unicorn...

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Yes...as in something happened in the past, therefore something's happening now.

5. Name two things you would NOT tolerate in a relationship?
Cheating and apartheid

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
Besides me? I can't really think of anybody else that I would let cut me open. It's nothing personal, it's just that I've seen all of you drunk or worse. I wouldn't let ME cut me open with what I know. That's what the gas is for...so I wake up and "I don't care who dunnit long as it done."

7. Are you afraid of falling in love?
F**king petrified!!! (Reverse psychology)

8. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
If by random you mean every six seconds...then yes.

9. Would you stop talking to your friends because you hooked up with a new person?
That's a dick move. DAAAAAVE!!!

10. When was the last time you flew in a plane?
About a month ago...and I'll be doing it again in two weeks.

11. What did the last text message you sent say?
"WHAT THE HELL IS AN ALUMINUM FALCON???"

12. What features do you find most attractive in the preferred sex?
Eyes, smile, and I tend to work my way down.

13. Fill in the blank. I _______ jagerbombs.
Consistently have ingridents for

14. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
Pity sex...did I mention that my girlfriend just dumped me?

15. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for a long period of time who would you call?
Ghostbusters....then my mom

16. How many kids do you want to have?
As many as my wives will have for me. It's really their call though, I just provide the giggidy goo

17. Would you make a good parent?
I like to think so...but I'm certainly a kick-ass uncle already.

18. Where was your default picture taken?
I have a confession to make...I am not really "The Dude" but I am a Lebowski Achiever.

19. What’s your middle name?
Danger

20. Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
Do you really even half to ask? Seriously, all my answers have a bit of innuendo in them. I'm OBVIOUSLY thinking about having a polygamist family. Right now, I'm just trying to figure out the budget...and I think I've got it figured out.

21. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
I would start Playboy...shortly after the American Revolution concluded...and invent a whole bunch of cool stuff...like Pet Rocks and fax machines and stuff...

22. Shoe size?
Nine inches...oh, I mean fourteen.

23. What are you wearing right now?
Too much...there, that's better.

24. Righty or Lefty?
Righteous Brothers

25. Can you make a dollar in change right now?
Yeah...but I prefer foldin' money

26. Best place to eat?
In bed

28. Favorite animal?
Pandas...and you know this. By the way, what happened to 27?

29. Favorite juice?
Movie Producers...go ahead, read the question again...

30. Have you had the chicken pox?
Yes...and they're delicious. Try them with Honey Mustard or Barbecue sauce

31. Have you had a sore throat?
Are you kidding me? If anybody in the world honestly answers no, I shall be surprised.

32. Ever had plastic surgery?
Do I look like I've had plastic surgery?

33. Who knows you the best?
The Shadow

34. Do you get along with your family?
Too much, I should start some conflict soon. It's almost the holidays.

35. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
No, thank you Lasik

36. Favorite Bar Drink?
The one that comes with your number...

37. Been to Mexico?
Ensenada for about six hours

38. Did you buy something today?
Gas - That's right, global warming is MY fault.

39. Did you get sick today?
No, but the day is young...and I'm almost sick of this survey. (Sorry if you feel the same way)

40. Do you miss someone today?
Probably...what do you care?

41. Did you get in a fight with someone today?
Are you threatening me? Come on survey, you wanna take this to the yard? I can take this to the yard.

42. When is the last time you had a massage?
New Orleans...but I've given a half dozen since then

44. Last person to see you cry?
I think Tony. Whoever made me laugh really really hard last...

45. What was the last TV show you watched?
The Star Wars Family Guy

46. What are your plans for the weekend?
Nothing much. Thinking about going to see my brother.

47. Who do you think will repost this?
Martin Luther? I don't know. It's their call.

48. Are you happy?
Tehehehehehehehehe yeah...

Until tomorrow, have a great weekend kids!!!

Congrats to Soulshakers!!!

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Guess what. I won some kick-ass concert tickets today courtesy of KBER 101 to go see Coheed & Cambria at Saltair. The only problem is...I'll be in Spain when they're performing. No problem though. I found somebody who was willing to take them off my hands. They'd enjoy more than I would anyway. To be perfectly honest, I've heard of Coheed & Cambria...but I couldn't pick them out of a lineup or name a single song that they do. I hear they're good though. Thanks KBER!!! Now, how about a job as a late night disc jockey? However, I have even BIGGER music news...


Congratulations to Spitsofrantic & Soulshakers Entertainment!!!


The other day they won the second round of the Bodog Battle of the Bands in beautiful Las Vegas. They have moved onto the next round and are competing for one million dollars with the best bands in the western United States. If you're interested, their next battle will be on November 26th at the lovely Cheyenne Saloon in Las Vegas. Want free tickets? I can hook you up or you can contact them through this Spitsofrantic link. Support the Soulshakers Music Revolution!!!


Also in music news, on a much sadder note, the last member of the infamous Rat Pack has passed away. Joey Bishop has rejoined his legendary troupe of entertainers (Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Peter Lawford, and Sammy Davis, jr.) in what I can only assume is the swinginest shindig in all of Heaven at the tender age of 89. He was referred to as "the hub of the big wheel" by Sinatra when talking about the Rat Pack and was widely regarded as the comic relief in the routine. Being a wiseass and bit of a crooner in a hip-hop world, this is kind of a sad day for me...but my heart goes out to his family & friends. Anyway, that's really all I wanted to say. Rest in peace playa!!!


Toilet Scare - You all thought I was crazy last week when I told you about my tendency to put the toilet seat down because of the fear of green Ghoulie monsters crawling up and biting my ass while I did paperwork...well, who's crazy now? A Brooklyn woman named Nadege Brunacci was washing her hands Monday when she noticed a SEVEN FOOT PYTHON in her toilet. The 38-year old restauranteur "turned on the light and screamed" upon the sight, threw the lid down, set a heavy box (convenientally located in her bathroom?) on the lid, and called for help. Later, she gave the python to a friend who kept it and named it after her. Does anybody know how to correct pronounce Nadege? Na-dej? Na-de-ge? Na-di-gi? Anyway, so the threat really is out there, however unlikely it may seem. Check before you sit, when you're going to s**t. Jesus, a seven-footer too. Oh yeah, nobody knows how it got there either. If another one shows up though, that's a sign to move out. That's like one of the first stages before Satan himself shows up at your front door...and he ain't delivering pizza.


More Giant Reptiles - In Argentina, scientists have discovered what they believe to be the skeleton of a new 105-foot plant-eating dinosaur that they have named Futalognkosaurus Dukei after the Mapuche Indian words for "giant" and "chief" and for the Duke Energy Argentina company that financed the dig. I've always been a big dinosaur nerd...ever since I was a kid...so I just thought that I'd share that with you. I also thought that the name was kind of hilarious, Futalognkosaurus (FOO-ta-long-koh-SOHR-us). I wouldn't expect it to show up in the next Jurassic Park movie as a threat to Sam Neill...but dinosaurs are cool...so there. If you're interested in more, there's a link.


Untouchables Prequel - Ladies & Gentlemen, I am super excited about the possibility of a big budget prequel to the 1987 classic "The Untouchables" being planned by director Brian DePalma (original, "Scarface", "Carlito's Way", "Black Dahlia", etc.) and already titled as "The Untouchables: Capone Rising." The story will detail the relationship between Jimmy Malone (Sean Connery's character in the original) and Al Capone (Robert DeNiro). Who's going to star in this movie? Well, Gerard Butler ("300") is locked to play Jimmy Malone but Al Capone is still undecided. Originally, everybody's favorite Nicolas Cage was interested...but has backed out, possibly to play Fu Manchu in Rob Zombie's "Werewolf Women of the SS" (hopefully). So the question arises, who will play the young Al Capone? I have no idea. I've tried to think of a few...but you need someone who can match the intensity of Gerard Butler...and Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro are just too damn old. My vote - Edward Norton. However, he can do any movie that he wants, so why a prequel? Let me know what you think...and I'll see if I can convince Mr. DePalma. Also, check out the original "Untouchables" with Robert Stack ("Unsolved Mysteries" and "Baseketball").


Barbarella Remake? - One of the best bad movies of all times is the 1968 Jane Fonda psychedelic sci-fi movie "Barbarella" which influenced everything in modern culture from the development of my own Orgazmatron to the naming of the legendary group Duran Duran. However, rumor has it that a remake of this classic stands in limbo (I didn't even know it was a possibility). Allegedly, the project was offered to moviemaking supergod Robert Rodriguez who insisted on casting the lead actress as his fiance Rose McGowan (both worked on "Planet Terror") but the studio and producer Dino DeLaurentiis ("Conan" movies) don't think that she could carry the movie. Rodriguez insists though, so they're at a standstill. Moviemaking seems like a pretty stubborn business. That's why I want to make no-budget blockbusters like "Napoleon Dynamite" only funny. Or "Blair Witch Project" only scary. I'll keep my fingers crossed for the "Barbarella" remake...but as with all remakes, it's probably not a bad idea to just go see the original. Which reminds me, I'd better add "Untouchables" & "Barbarella" to my Blockbuster Queue. Any suggestions on who else might play Barbarella? Jessica Alba? Scarlett Johannsen? Lindsay Lohan? Does it really matter?


Since I've received some criticism that I talk too much about sports, I'm going to call that a day. Join me next time when I talk about...stuff and other such related stuff.

Sleep Number Beds

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I was watching TV this morning...and saw a commercial for Sleep Number beds. I'm sure that you've all seen it before (pending you have a television set). It's the bed with the adjustable firmness...and the commercial is narrated by Lindsay Wagner a.k.a. Jaime Sommers, the original Bionic Woman. Though it's great to see her back on television, I'm just not sure that she's peddling the proper product. In my humble opinion, she seems to be...well, not getting enough good sleep. I realize that this is the pot calling the kettle African-American, but keep in mind that I'm not trying to sell people on the effects of the Sleep Number bed (yet). To find out how Ms. Wagner got this gig, luckily I have a friend whose job is to sell these mattresses...and he or she (to help keep anonymity) was able to get me some of the recordings for other auditions for this commercial spot. However, because I am not big on this whole technology thing (and Big Brother is watching), I figured that I would just offer transcription of the auditions.


"Hi, I'm Nicolas Cage. Making big budget blockbuster movies can be quite exhausting. That's why I use...the Sleep Number bed by Select Comfort to help me get the sleep that I need to be alert, wide-eyed, and ready for another day of shooting."


"AAAAAAAH!!!" "Please excuse me Miss Biel, but I was just checking to see how you were liking your new Sleep Number bed." "Look Sleepy, it's 3 A.M. and I have a four-page monologue to shoot tomorrow. Get the f**k out of my trailer, wouldya?" "You see folks? That's hottie testimony if I've ever heard it. Agh, please let go of my ear! The Sleep Number bed works...regardless of what the bags under my eyes may indicate. Jessica Biel uses it. That's all you need to know...to get the beauty sleep of your life." "I said get the f**k outta here!!!"


"Hello, I'm Susan Sarandon. You may remember me from such blockbusters as Bull Durham or...well, I've been in a lot of movies...just not big money makers. I'm here to tell you about the newest advancement in sleep technology, the Sleep Number bed. By newest advancement, I'm not talking about President Bush's advancement into Iraq with absolutely no proof of weapons of mass destruction or his advancement to the White House despite losing the popular vote in his tyrannical rise to power. No, I'm talking about technology that allows you to choose the comfort level of your mattress...and to help you sleep easier as threats from terrorist organizations increase because of this administration's deplorable foreign policy..." "Okay, Ms. Sarandon, we'll let you know. F**king ad libbers...NEXT!!!"


"How's it going? I'm Vince Vaughn. I'm here because I think this Sleep Number bed is awesome. Let's say that you've had a long hard one on the set and you want something really soft like a waterbed because you're bringing one of the makeup girls back to your trailer. Bang! That's my setting 10. Let's say you had a day off from shooting because your female costar went on a bender the night before and you decided to catch up with a few shotties and chasers...but you want something firm to lie on so you don't wake up all sore and nauseous...but you don't wanna flash back to waking up in the alley before Swingers. Bam! Setting 85. But hey, don't take my word for it. The proof's in the pudding, baby. Just ask my good friend Owe.....ugh, Luke Wilson how he likes the Sleep Number bed."



"It's pretty nice. I like it."


"There you have it ladies & gentlemen. Undeniable proof that this mattress is the best thing to happen to sleep since loritabs. If you're still not convinced that this...(inaudible criticism offstage) What? What? I can't say loritabs on a commercial promoting sleep? Since when? You know what? Forget this gig. Ben Stiller's been begging me to meet up with him, Jen's texting me like crazy, my buddy Jon Favreau wants me to do a walk-on on Iron Man as Tony Stark's brother, I'm swamped. I don't need this right now. Get Wonder Woman to do it for all I care."



"Bwahaha!!! Hello maggots, I'm Robert Englund. I fully endorse this product and it's ability for its consumers to achieve better, deeper sleep than previous in a double-blind study. These studies have should a 70% decrease in back pain, 40% decrease in neck & shoulder pain, and an average of 65% better sleep experience, while at the same time achieving a 75% increase in BEING EATEN BY THE WORM OF HELL!!! SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE SLASHING ABOUT THE FACE AND CHEST AND/OR DEATH!!! SLEEP TIGHT, KIDDIES!!! YOUR SOUL IS MINE!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!"



"Oh...hi there, I'm...Christopher Walken. I'm here today...to talk to you...about the new...Sleep Number bed...by Select Comfort. Studies...have shown...that nearly all users...of this mattress...have shown vast improvement...in their abilities to...FOCUS and...maintain...fluent sentence...structure. The numbers don't lie." "That's great, Mr. Walken. Would you mind trying to do it...a little faster. We're trying to cut it down to a minute commercial." "Don't you...tell me how to do my job...you bastard. I'll...stab you...in the face...with a soldering knife." "Okay, that's great. We'll ugh...we'll let you know, Mr. Walken." "Thank you...(he dances away and you can hear something resembling "Weapon of Choice" by the Fatboy Slim)."

Needless to say, Lindsay Wagner's audition went much better with what they were trying to get...so it was a good choice considering. However, let's say hypothetically that the Select Comfort company appointed myself to do this commercial...and gave me an unlimited budget...

My Version of the same commercial



"Ola, I am Adriana Lima...and I am here today to tells you about de new Sleep Nummer bed from Select Comfort. Es most comfortible bed I have EVER try. It feel soooo good on body...so when I have long day of being sexiest woman un Earth, I like nothing better than nice fiiiiirm bed to set my perfectly proportioned body on...sep maybe my Dr. Mookie Love. Mmm Mookie, yu quiero su cuerpo caliente."



"HI THERE!!! Sorry to interrupt, but my name is James Carrey, funniest & luckiest man on planet Earth. Many people have asked me how I get the incredible amounts of energy to do my movie roles...despite being well into my forties. Well, besides having overactive adrenal glands, the Sleep Number bed really really helps too. Don't believe me? Still not sold? LEMME SHOW YA SOMETHIN'!!! Sorry, let me throw out one more little tid-bit of information that you might find convincing. Since getting a Sleep Number bed, I'VE BEEN HITTIN' THE SKINS WITH JENNY MCCARTHY!!! If it worked for me, it can work for you. AAAAAALRIGHT THEN!!! Don't forget to tip your waitress."



"Sank you, Mister Carrey. Dat very good. (By the way, sorry, this is how I transcript the lovely Brazilian accent) Call now for your Sleep Nummer bed by Seleck Comfort. I know I won't let my back touch anything else...oh Mookie, call me back. I so's miss your touch." Trust me, you couldn't sell enough beds after this commercial hit television screens across the globe. Stephen Colbert for President y'all, I'm outti.

That's Prophetic!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Okay, so last night I watched "Planet Terror" (touching love story) and "Transformers" with my buddy JL Clyde...and had a few Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonades. So I had this dream last night that I actually remembered, so bear with me for just a few moments. We're just going to take a deep dive into my psyche.


So it starts out that I'm at a high school reunion or something (I think for some reason it's at BYU, but I've never been there, there's a temple like Temple Square though) and I run into an old acquaintance from high school Kelly. He says, "Hey $teve, how's it going? How you been?" "Pretty good. How about you?" "I just have one more semester then I'm done." "That's cool. I finished..." and he walks away...as I think to myself "You always were a prick." Then I start walking around this luxurious ballroom area where the reunion was...and I realize that everybody is blonde, blue-eyed, slim-bodied, and really flighty, like I walked into Romy & Michele's High School Reunion starring the Playboy Mansion. Being fully emersed in the ditziness, I stepped out of the room to catch my breath and I was looking over this map of the place (still not sure where/what it was).


While I was out there thinking...well, something I'm sure, a familiar voice says to me, "$teve, it's been a while." It was my favorite elementary teacher, well into her 70's by now. "You seem confused about why you're here. Let me tell you something that I've learned. Emotion, passion, desire, Love, all are great fuels to get where you're going...but they're lousy drivers. You have to use your mind to help guide them." "Wow, that's some deep stuff." Then I hear an engine rev up in the distance...and it gets louder...and then I wake up because the prick a few houses down is driving his muscle car at 80 MPH down the street in the morning again. So yeah, that was a pretty memorable dream...and I'll have to look up the old teacher and see how she's doing. Wouldn't it be f**king creepy if she had passed away a few days ago? Holy crap, that'd be wicked awesome. I'll have to give the school a call or something. Just in time for Halloween too. (Shivers) Anyway, that's about it for new occurences in my life. Now, back to the news...


Fellow $teve Running for President - Host of Comedy Central's The Colbert Report, outspoken narcissist, future award-winning author, wrist activist, and possible reader of my blog Stephen Colbert announced on his show last night that he is running for the Presidency of the United States...in his homestate of South Carolina. After his book "I Am America (And So Can You!)" hit bookstore shelves last week and soared to the top of the charts, he has used the publicity from this literary masterpiece (of course I haven't read it yet) to charge his political career. By the way, has anybody else seen "Man of the Year"? Okay, just checking. So now, in an already jam-packed assembly of Presidential Candidates in the field, the questions on everybody's minds are:

1. Will another great $teve be seriously considered for a run at the White House?
2. Will the media try to shut down his campaign by suggesting that it's a farce?
3. When will Schwarzenegger announce his candidacy?
4. Can an Austrian-born muscleman become Head of State in America...yet?
5. Is there a funnier talk show on TV than "The Colbert Report"?

Stay tuned for occasional updates on the Colbert campaign trail and it's progress.


Potty Mouth - In Scranton, PA (Home of Dunder Mifflin paper products), a woman could face up to 90 days in jail AND a fine of up to $300 for shouting profanities at her overflowing toilet within earshot of her nosy ass neighbors. Dawn Herb (yes, that's her real name) told the local newspaper, "It doesn't make any sense. I was in my house. It's not like I was outside or drunk. The toilet was overflowing and leaking down into the kitchen and I was yelling (for my daughter) to get the mop." Unfortunately, her neighbor was a nosy ass off-duty police officer who was probably trying to get some sleep...so to be bitch/bastard (to be politically correct) they called the cops instead of possibly offering to help out. Luckily, she'll probably not have to pay a dime or see a jail cell...but then again, Justice has been messed with in the past. At least the toilet is taken care of though, right?


Things You'll Find in the Philippines - No, not underage prostitutes and STDs undiscovered by modern science known to the locals as "The Melting Mountain" but rare aquatic wildlife has been found recently in the Philippines. Here are some pretty pictures because I'm a sucker for aquariums.

This is the rare Black Jellyfish.

Years of violence between seemingly identical schools of these jellyfish have left their numbers depleted...but several outspoken representatives have been able to propose that they be referred to as African-American Jellyfish. Let Freedom swim.

Then Harry yelled out, "Jellius Fishicus!!!"

"I just don't understand how the other fish keep finding me."

By the way, don't drink the water in the Philippines.

This is magnified...but only to two times actual size.

Have a great night everybody!!!

Happy Birthday Manute Bol!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

As the title would imply, I would like to wish a happy 45th birthday to NBA legend, humanitarian, Dinka tribesman, activist, and inspirtation to us all, Manute Bol. Born in Sudan. he grew up learning the ways of the Dinka tribe. At age 15, he killed a lion with a spear. He also chipped a tooth on the rim the first time that he tried to dunk. For either achievement, that should get you an NBA contract. Even in my prime, I only got a few cuts on the top of my head from a rim. Never had a problem with a tooth. So he moved to the United States at the age of 18 and played college basketball at the University of Bridgeport. After two years there, he was drafted in the 5th round (definitely a 1st rounder by today's standards) by the San Diego Clippers (moved to LA shortly after) but was traded to the Washington Bullets (now Wizards). His first year in the NBA, the 7'7" 200 pound walking stick figure of a man was teamed up with the NBA's shortest player Tyrone "Muggsy" Bogues...and also set a record of 397 blocked shots for a rookie, which still stands today. Over the next eleven years, he played for many teams and got into many fights on the court, none of which were really his fault. I don't know what it was with him & 7'6" Utah native Shawn Bradley during their careers, but people just liked to pick fights with them. Penis envy? He also is the only NBA player to have more career blocks than points. He also had a quirky three-point shot...but made six in one game...twice during his career. Oh, it's certainly a sight to behold. I'll see if I can find some video on it. Despite all his obstacles and injuries, he played with great dignity and sent the majority of his modest NBA salary back to his homeland of Sudan. We're talking MILLIONS of dollars.


As injuries and old age crept up towards the end of his career, he returned to Sudan to bring aid...and was thrown into a POW camp by an opposing party in the political struggle. He was able to escape to Egypt (like many of his brethren) and eventually get back to the United States. However, with no NBA career, he was forced to use his comical appearance and award-winning smile to raise money to send to his people in Sudan. How bad did it get? How about Celebrity Boxing against William "The Fridge" Perry? That's right, second billing behind Tonya Harding & Paula Jones even. Or playing in a charity hockey game just to raise money? The man is a 7'7" 200 pound Dinka warrior from Sudan. He was never meant to SEE ice. Even after a serious car wreck has left him nearly paralyzed, he has worked his way back to healthy...and still continues his tireless efforts. It is for this commitment to helping his people that I salute him and urge you all to donate to the Ring True Foundation, his charity organization that donates to Sudanese refugees. There was actually a great report on his career on Real Sports last year, I think. Check it out if you get the opportunity. In the meantime, happy birthday again, Mr. Bol!!!


New Movie Release Tuesday - Today was yet another movie rental release Tuesday...and a big one at that with three blockbusters coming to Blockbuster. First up, Michael Bay's masterpiece of retro-robotics "Transformers" followed by the Robert Rodriguez zombie movie that's so good it's bad, "Planet Terror" and finally, Hilary Swank in "The Raping"...er, "The Reaping." Sorry, this one wasn't going to win any awards. I've already expressed my appreciation for the first two movie when I saw them in theatres (looking forward to extended scenes of Rose McGowan in "Planet Terror") so I'm really looking forward to "The Reaping." It came out about the same time as the "Omen" remake...but this one scared me more for a few reasons.

• It had the devil (or antichrist or demon or whatever) as a little southern girl instead of a boy. Everybody knows that the Devil is female...just like God. They just like to take different forms sometimes...and there's really nothing more sweetly sinister than a cute Southern girl.
• The reason this movie wasn't going to win any awards is because I sincerely doubt that Hilary Swank is going to die in this one...being the lone star power. I'm still convinced that if she was beaten to death in the conclusion of "The Next Karate Kid" that she would have won an Academy Award for that movie. Sorry, I'm a Karate Kid nerd. "Strike First, Strike Hard, No Mercy sir!!!"
• Any movie that references Biblical plagues is usually pretty cool. Frogs, locusts, fire, firstborn, oh yeah, even the Mighty Ramses himself would be trembling along the Mississippi Delta.
• Being set in the rural South is cool too...because I'm anticipating an ending credit roll with a soundtrack of "Devil Went Down to Georgia" by the Charlie Daniels Band. Tehehehe...

Devil Movies

Medal Winners

Gold - The Exorcist (1973) - This movie is genuinely creepy. It's one of the few movies that actually send a shiver down my spine when I watch it...and I'm fairly desensitized when it comes to scary movies. The Devil takes over a twelve-year old girl and it's up to a young priest to save her. Based on the novel by William Peter Blatty (so you know it's good, right?) and brought to the screen by William Friedkin, it's creepy and hellishly good. Try not to be surprised by the little girl's vulgarity or what she does with the crucifix though.

Silver - The Devil's Advocate (1997) - Not just a wonderful pinball game that you can play when you're in Springfield but an eery movie about greed and desire...and Al Pacino as the Devil...err, I mean top dog at a prestigious law firm. Sorry if I gave the ending away. It's not exactly the Sixth Sense...and his name isn't Louis Cypher or anything...it's John Milton. Keanu Reeves is a cocky lawyer from Florida who hits the big time and is headed to a New York firm with his goddess of a wife Charlize Theron...but the firm is fittingly named for all the hotties walking around every corner, moral judgments calls next to every water cooler, and your first assignment is to get Craig T. Nelson a.k.a. "Coach" off for murdering his wife. I'm going to warn you ahead of time, it gets really brutal at one particular part. So brutal that I had to turn it off the first time I watched it...but Al Pacino is the Devil, so I had to finish it later on.

Bronze - Legend (1985) - As much as it irks me to mention Tom Cruise on my blog, this movie was pretty good...and Tim Curry is a fantastic Devil, which is why it seems to be the only job that he can get now...is voice of the Devil. This tale of fantasy and unicorns and pans and ogres also features Mia Sara (Princess Lily and Sloane from Ferris Bueller...but then the only other thing I've seen her in was Timecop) as a hottie princess and Tom Cruise has to save her. So basically she's screwed. Oh wait, this is a tale of fantasy. She may have a chance. All is not lost. Ridley Scott makes good movies.

Suggestion - The Lighter Side of Satan - "Oh God, You Devil" with John Denver & George Burns, "Little Nicky" with Adam Sandler and Harvey Kietel as the Devil, "Bedazzled" with Brendan Fraser and Elizabeth Hurley (most convincing Devil yet), even "South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut" all great comedies looking at the lighter side (just moral dilemmas, not fire & brimstone and violence). Give them a shot. You won't be disappointed. Also, there was a short-lived animated series on NBC or something called "God, the Devil, & Bob" with James Garner, Alan Cumming, & French Stewart voicing. I liked it. You might like it too.

Flush It - End of Days (1999) - "Angel Heart" doesn't count, released amid the whole Y2K thing, trying to transfix the 666 thing to be 999, Gabriel Byrne is the Devil, Arnie takes on Satan, but it still manages to be a fairly good movie. Why? It's creepy at some points. Why is it my Flush It? It's not Louis Cyphre...but they use a clergyman writing "Christ in New York" so when Arnie says, "Maybe it's Christine York!" That's when it becomes my Flush It...and after the rest too. It's still a pretty good cheesy movie...and Y2K never happens either. See? Happy ending.

Future Watch - Faust - I haven't seen a big screen version of Faust yet. That'd be cool. I'm also interested in Willem Dafoe playing the Devil at some time...or Gary Oldman...since he can do anything. Until that happens, I'll just enjoy all the sexy devils that I'll see around Halloween. Have a great day everybody!!!

Do the Correct Thing

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

I've spent all morning trying to square things away for my Rational Baboon's European Vacation coming up in a few weeks...and it has been mildly irritating...like a skin rash. Because I am traveling with two 70-year old ladies (who don't believe in concepts like electronic mail, cellular phones, or any form of communication that doesn't involve horseback), it has been difficult to get any commitment from them...so I basically told them what we're going to be doing today...and they seemed to approve. There are a few wrinkles to iron out but all in all, it's going to be a fun-filled trip along the Mediterranean.

After all that was handled, I watched Spike Lee's "Do the Right Thing" for the first time...and was sorely disappointed. Now, before I start a fierce debate with people that loved this movie, all me to elaborate on the situation. I enjoy most Spike Lee movies...and this was the one that made him a household name. In fact, I'm one of exactly six people in the entire world who thought "He Got Game" was a great movie. Anyway, this movie was okay...but I was expecting something that was going to make me look at the world in a completely different way like a lot of his movies do...and it simply did not. The main character Mookie (good name & played by Spike himself) is a pizza delivery man for Sal's Pizzeria (Italian pizzeria in Brooklyn). Sal's a decent guy who gives money to people in the neighborhood that are down on their luck. Then some guy comes in and notices that Sal has the place decorated with pictures of American-Italians like Frank Sinatra and Al Pacino. "Hey Sal, why ain't there no brothers on this wall?" "When you get a place, you can decorate it anyway you want." I was sold on that argument.

About an hour later (in movie time), a riot ensues when the guy comes back & causes a scene in the restaurant...and Sal takes out his frustrations on a boombox, another man reacts by choking Sal, and the police accidentally kill this other man in trying to pry him off Sal. So they burn down his pizzeria. Maybe Mr. Lee has to explain the moral of the story to me...but for anybody who wants to try to convince me that the neighborhood wasn't in the wrong, just flip it up and think of it as Mookie's pizzeria in an Italian neighborhood...and Vinnie, Sal, Guido, and James Caan burn down their establishment. Basically, what I took away from it...is that any group of people can be a mob and do something like that...and think they're in the right...but it's wrong. Oh, and never underestimate the power of silly ass people in large numbers. It's thought provoking and has powerful imagery and all...but I must just not be getting the overall message...or even worse, I am and I don't agree with it. One thing that I do agree with is that we should all learn from Dr. Martin Luther King and Malcolm X and other great leaders of the Civil Rights movement...and learn from their stories. Anyway, if you haven't seen it...then it doesn't matter what I think, so I'll move on.

Led Zeppelin Goes Digital - On November 13th, the two-disc Led Zeppelin retrospective "Mothership" will hit stores and will be the first time that all of the greatest rock band of all time's music will be in prestine digital quality. Again, if ANY of you know how I can score tickets to the November 26th concert in London where they're going to be reunited, please let me know. In the meantime, November 13th I'll be at Best Buy getting "Mothership" (this ship is not affiliated with George Clinton and/or Parliament Funkadelic).

Local Water News - In the wideopen spaces of Syracuse, Utah, the sewer district manager of North Davis County, Keith Cowan is handing out complimentary bottles of water. By complimentary, I mean free...because the ingredients listed on the bottle are hardly complimentary. "Ingredients: Water, fecal matter, toilet paper, hair, lint, rancid grease, stomach acid and trace amounts of Pepto Bismol, chocolate, urine, body oils, dead skin, industrial chemicals (aluminum, copper, zinc, lead, chromium, nickel, molybdenum, selenium, silver arsenic, mercury,) ammonia, ... soil, laundry soap, bath soap, shaving cream, sweat, saliva, salt, sugar. No artificial colors or preservatives. Some variations in taste and/or color may occur due to holidays, predominant cuisine preference, infiltration/inflow, or sewer cross-connections." Suddenly tequila doesn't seem that bad to me. Oh yeah...and there's a message associated with it that water is polluted. I wonder if he's handing this out to people that have been living in a cave since the Industrial Revolution because that's about all who wouldn't know that by swimming in the local fishin' hole. Mildly creative though.

"We're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat" - An 844-pound shark was caught in the Gulf of Mexico by six friends who were looking to hook some grouper. Instead, they hooked themselves a record with this 11-foot Mako, king of the Tigersharks. Not only did it set a new record at the Destin Fishing Rodeo...but it shattered it by 338 pounds. I struggle at trout farms...so my hat's off to you six gentlemen for getting that shark.


Who Here Has Seen the Matrix? - Really? Me too? If you want to see a hot Wachowski Brothers movie though, check out "Bound". Just trust me. Anyway, this news clipping is about Japanese researchers who say they have found a way to let people stroll through a virtual world called Second Life using their imagination (brain waves). Second Life is basically like a faux real-life version of Warcraft where people make up their avatar characters or whatever and interact...as opposed to stepping outside and taking in sunshine at the same time. I understand that this could mean a lot for paralysis victims in leading to Iron Man-like technology for the future...but it just has a kind of creepy vibe to me. I pray that I'm not Cassandra looking into the future and nobody believes me...but this just seems like Step 1 in the twelve-step process of technology's domination of the world. It's kinda like: Step 1 - Virtual World, Step 2 - Sexbots, Step 3 - Virtual Fudge and on down to Step 12 - Human Batteries. Anyway, keep an out for development in that department.

So...to show that I don't dislike Spike Lee in any way, here's the new movie list...enjoy. Just so you know ahead of time, I haven't seen ALL of his movies, so let me know if I missed a good one.

Spike Lee Movies

Medal Winners

Gold - Malcolm X (1992) - Denzel Washington will be a recurring theme in this list...because he's Denzel Washington...and he's in Spike Lee movies. I can't believe that I completely forgot this movie in my list of Biopics...but it should be in there somewhere. It does a great job of showing the life, personal conflict, rise to power, and the multiple dimensions to Malcolm X and other historical black leaders of the era. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie...but I'm going to warn you, it's quite lengthy. Denzel should have won an award...and Spike Lee too...but we'll see if Spike ever gets his.


Silver - Inside Man (2006) - I distinctly remember watching this movie and not realizing it was a Spike Lee Joint...until some unnecessary scenes were in there about racism. Then when it showed his name at the end, it made sense. It's a great bank robbery movie starring Denzel (again), Clive Owen, Jodie Foster, Willem Dafoe, and Christopher Plummer. As far as bank robbery movies go, it'd make my list...along with "Heat", "Dog Day Afternoon", and "Point Break." It's a great thrill ride with twists and turns at every twist and turn. If you haven't seen it, go out and rent it tonight. You won't regret it later.


Bronze - He Got Game (1998) - Again, I may be one of the few people who liked this movie (and not just because Milla Jovovich is a prostitute) but I think it's as poignant a piece about the state of sports today as "Any Given Sunday." An interesting spin on the usual Blue Chip recruitment method as a convicted murderer (Denzel) is temporarily released to convince his high school basketball superstar son (Jesus Shuttlesworth played by NBA All-Star Ray Allen) to go to the governor's alma mater Big State. Only one big catch, Jesus' father accidentally killed his mother. What a twist! Great cameo performances ranging from John Turturro, Ned Beatty, and Rosario Dawson to half the major college basketball coaches and NBA superstars...including a great performance by Lakers legend Rick Fox (because he married Vanessa Williams) and Chasey Lain. Great movie. Check it out. I just got a Bloodhound Gang song stuck in my head now thinking about Chasey Lain.


Suggestion - Bamboozled (2000) - Again, a great movie loosely based on the exploitation of hip-hop music and other factors of African-American culture...but it's done obviously as a hit televised blackface minstrel show. It's actually one of the more thought-provoking movies that Spike has done...and I don't think anybody that I know has seen it. I only stumbled upon it around 2 AM on HBO once. Great performances by Damon Wayans, Savion Glover, Jada Pinkett-Smith, Michael Rappaport, Paul Mooney, Tommy Davidson, Mos Def leading a superstar group called the Mau Maus.


Flush It - Summer of Sam (1999) - Spike Lee's take on the "Son of Sam" murders in New York City during the summer of 1977 centering on the residents of an Italian-American South Bronx neighborhood who live in fear and distrust of one another. It had very little to do with the "Son of Sam" murders and a lot to do with John Leguizamo's character being a bastard. It's not a horrible movie or anything, but it's not Spike Lee's finest. Actually his worst...but still decent. Maybe if...for a twist, Reggie Jackson was the 45 killer...or Denzel. Oh yeah, check out Adrien Brody in the movie. Awesome, right?


Future Watch - M.O.N.Y (TV 2007) - Apparently this TV series about an outspoken public advocate becoming the interim mayor of New York is coming later this year but...I can't find much on it. They also have an Inside Man Sequel in the works...which should be pretty good when/if it comes around, possibly by 2009. Also, I wonder if Spike Lee will still be courtside at Knicks games after the fiascos of the past year or so...or if Reverend Al Sharpton is pesting him too. New York is a great place to visit. Hopefully I'm still welcome back there after this review of his work. You're a great director Mars Blackmon, just not my cup of tea all the time...but I'm sure that you've heard much worse. Maybe some new Nike commercials...


Fortune Cookies of the Day - "Success will be yours at home and in business...in bed." - Okay, that one didn't really make a lot of sense...but still...success will be mine even if sex-s isn't. Thank you all-powerful cookie of fortune!!! Oh wait, you have another one for me? What does this one say? "Stay close to your inner self - you will benefit in all ways." - Stay close to inner self? Good advice...for I will benefit in all ways...in bed. Have a great night everybody. Bubbles, I hope you start feeling better.