Drawn Together Season 3, Out May 13th

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

I was delighted to find out last night that Season 3 of "Drawn Together" (Winner of the 2007 $tevie for TV Show of the Year) is coming out on DVD on May 13th. Hopefully it won't work like it did last year…and delay another three months after the initial release date. I'm confident in Comedy Central though. Still waiting on that Duckman DVD collection…but luckily, still not holding my breath.


Speaking of which, I went shoe shopping this morning at a local mall with three shoe stores. I searched the displays, found some that I liked (that didn't look ridiculously shiny), and then asked if they had them in size 14's. Lo and behold, they did not. "I've get them in an eight-and-a-half." "Hmm, that's almost 60% of what I asked for…probably not going to work. That's cool. Thanks man." So it went for about an hour at the various shops…so either size 14's are in high demand and all the basketball players beat me to that mall…or they simply don't care about the big man. Apparently, I'll just have to order them online instead…without trying them on first…which could be interesting. Oh well, now I simply have to special order ALL my clothes…not just pants & slacks.


After shopping, I returned home and watched "Toys" with Robin Williams, Joan Cusack, LL Cool J, and Robin Wright (before she got Penn'd). I like that movie a lot. Sure, it's a little corny and silly…but that's why I like it. Robin Williams is funny…and he charms the pants off Robin Wright with a bad Texan (?) accent. It's a great little flick…especially for kids. I think it's PG, even though there's an occasion swear word & innuendo in there. I know, I was as shocked as you are. After that, I went to work to train. Which brings us to now…and the news...


Tax Day is Tomorrow - By the way, Tax Day is tomorrow for everybody out there who hasn't done them yet. Just a friendly reminder. Here's a brilliant idea that I rolled upon the other day that I think could spread like wildfire…a certified public accountant who travels to various bars and does taxes while patrons relax & drink. Carmine Sodora founded Tavern Tax in 2005. For 10 weeks leading up to the April 15 deadline to submit U.S. income tax returns, he brings his tax-filing services to bars on weekday nights and weekend afternoons. He didn't know of anyone else offering such a service. "I was looking to expand my personal tax business. It's primarily to go after a demographic -- yuppies (young urban professionals). I've seen a 75 percent repeat, year after year." Though currently trolling Manhattan & Hoboken (birthplace of Sinatra), I can see smart young CPAs doing this all across the country quite effectively. Hell, I would. Maybe that can be my new career (for the first quarter each year), travel to bars, do some taxes, have a few drinks once the business day is through. "That'll just about do it, Ms. Jones. I'm going to need your phone number…in case I need to verify a few things." "Like what?" "Like what you're wearing at that particular time. Could I interest you in a Red-Headed Slut?"


Doing A Little Hard Time - The general manager of a Shanghai chemical company was jailed for two years on Thursday for selling fake tablets of the male impotence drug Viagra on the Internet. Yu Bohuai made a profit of over 60,000 yuan ($8,585) in 2006 and 2007 by selling 14,030 fake tablets to clients abroad and in Shanghai. He was arrested last July. There's really not much else to this story. I mentioned it because I was proud of the pun headline. I do that from time to time.


Caught With Your Hand in the Cookie Jar - Police in Cincinnati say a trail of candy and wrappers led them to suspects a few blocks away from a break-in at a downtown candy store. Four people have been charged with breaking and entering. One of the four also has been charged with child endangering. Police say 19-year-old Christine Ruther had her 7-week-old daughter with her when she and three others broke into Peter Minges & Son candy store Thursday. They are accused of taking about $400 in candy. This raises a few questions with me though.

1. Who takes their 7-week-old daughter on a robbery? You couldn't even find a babysitter for THAT. I would take that as a sign that you really don't need to do this.


2. Who robs a candy store? I'm sure that most of us have done a little five-finger discount here and there…but to actually ROB a candy store. Why? That ain't meth inside of that Snickers bar, it's nougat…and it's delicious…but not THAT delicious.


3. How many much candy is $400 worth? My guess would be a LOT. Sure, it's different if it's one of these haughty-taughty chocolatier places where it's designer chocolate cost a $10 for a bar or something…but I'm thinking it would take several shopping carts at Wal-Mart prices. No wonder there were four people involved. Heck, the shopping cart probably had a baby seat for the seven-week-old.


4. Is everybody familiar with the term "Orgy of Evidence"? It's when, for example, there's a trail of candy & wrappers…that lead you directly to where the suspects are camping out…and all of the evidence points at them. Now, you have to be kind of skeptical sometimes when that's the case…because if you're following a trail of candy & wrappers…either this is the stupidest heist in the history of crime…or you're walking into a trap. Keep your guns high and out.


5. Can you imagine the surprised look on the peoples faces…as they're gorging themselves on thin mints, turtles, chocolate bars with almonds, jelly beans, and everything else…then the police come busting through their front door with a battering ram? "FREEZE!!!" "Dagumit, I done told you we shoulda waited 'til we gots here to start eating the bounty. The wrappers lead 'em right to us…either that or the diaper when we stopped to change."
   

Last note of business, for those of you who don't know…my 27th birthday is coming up soon…and I'm kinda wondering what I want to do in honor of becoming three cubed. This time last year, I went to Vegas…but already have that planned for a few weeks later with my dad…so I was thinking Wendover might be cool for a quick stop…but not really that cool. Then again, I've also mentioned that a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese would be bitchin' too…and it would…but it's also expensive…and I'm pretty sure that I'm the only one I know that'd show up. I could invite some friends to a bar…but I'm not much of a bar guy. Could just have a barbecue at the Cooliseum too. The lame thing is that a lot of my friends that would come…have moved away. I don't know…but I'm open to ideas. Oh, and since I know you were going to ask, here are a few presents that you could get me…even though I really don't want or need any presents…

Bettie Page Cutout (Not the Blowup)

Best Buy Gift Certificates (or cash works too)

Size 14 Basketball shoes (black preferred)

Great Paying Job in Las Vegas

A Hug or High Five

#1 Gift - Donate to the Autism Research Institute, Make-A-Wish Foundation, National Multiple Sclerosis Society, or some other charity. That'd really make my day more than any of that material stuff. Well, feel free to throw in a hug or something too.

That'll do it for me today. Have a great day everybody and I'll see ya tomorrow or something. Say hi to your mom for me!!!

Christmas Eve Eve

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today I finished up my Christmas shopping (except I have no idea what to get an 11-year old brat...but really don't care at this point) thanks again to the lovely people at the Dancing Crane and employees that seem to lack any kind of Christmas joy or Soul at Wal-Mart. That's not entirely true...but the vast majority seemed to be longing for an end to it all...and that's kind of sad...but it pays the bills, I guess. There was one lady who showed me to the Christmas tags...and by the Christmas tags...I mean THE Christmas tags...as in one package with little baggies (saves me from wrapping though) that still had tags. I momentarily considered just writing names on Post-its. Nothing says from the heart like a Post-it with a smiley face, in my personal opinion...but I folded faster than Superman on laundry day and got the last one. Sorry if you showed up moments after and were disappointed...but you had 363 shopping days since last Christmas.


What did I get? Well, since I think a few of my giftees are readers of this blog, I can't say...but I may have gone a little overboard this Christmas. We shall see how they like them. I will let you in on a few trends that I've noticed over the years though that kind of disturb me. First off, I would like to let you all know that my brother DID finally find a Baby Alive Wet & Wiggles with a teeny weeny & berry set...but will have a son around Valentine's Day that my niece will be able to check out too...and I'm thinking that the size difference is just going to confuse her...but Uncle $teve can explain it to her simply, "Vinny was made in your mommy. The doll was made in China." It just goes to show that twelve words can be more effective than twelve steps...as long as it's the right words.


Barbie has gotten a lot of guff over the last half-century because the dolls give a certain stereotype as far as how girls are supposed to look and act and all this other stuff. That may be true...if you're easily impressionable like kids are...and in that case, don't buy them Barbies. However, my sister-in-law gave my nieces their first Barbies the other day...and I have no problem with that. Would you like to know why? BRATZ!!! Have you seen these stupid dolls? Now, Barbie may be a ditsy blonde with plastic boobs...but these little Bratz are simply whores...with gigantic heads. A few years ago, my mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas...and being the smartass that I am, I said "A Gangsta Bitch Barbie with Tatas & Tatts." I was 18 years old. Would you like to know what my mom got me? A Gangsta Bitch Barbie with Tatas & Tatts that she made herself (with colorful and tasteless accessories) and I see a very similar sight every time that I walk down the children's aisle and see Bratz (only my mom's was better, love ya mom). As you can tell, I don't plan on ever letting my children play with them...and probably not Barbie either...but if I had to choose one...I'm going with the original...in a school girl outfit.


After shopping, I picked up some Pei Wei for Bubbles & myself and that brings us to today's Fortune Cookie of the Day - "Today will be pleasant, your life will be prosperous...in bed." Today has been very pleasant so far...and apparently I'm going to have a prosperous life...in bed. What's not to look forward to? Sometimes I long for more specific fortune cookies...like "Put twenty bucks on the Patriots to go perfect in the regular season" or "Invest in Soybeans" or "Go ahead and smack her ass. She would like it very much. She's been waiting for MONTHS for you to do it." Stuff like that...and you couldn't sell enough Chinese food, just for the cookies at the end. Now for some real news...


Man Lives The Dream - In Frankfort, Indiana on Friday, seventy-year old Paul Brant bought a new Dodge Ram half-ton pickup. No, the news isn't that he bought a Dodge...but rather that he paid for it in quarters and dollar coins. He was escourted by a sherriff on the way to the dealership as he brought rolls upon rolls of coins. Why do I think this man is living the dream? Because I've always wanted to pay for something (house, car, whatever) using a suitcase full of cash...even if it's just full of singles for buy a used car...but have yet to do so. One day maybe...one day...


That'll Teach Him - A Rock Springs Wyoming woman was released on $7500 bail after being charged with aggravated assault and battery. Who did she attack? Her husband of course. Why? Because he opened a Christmas present early...and for some reason she accused him of having an affair...so she stabbed him in the chest. The two were married in late September...so they were due for their first domestic disturbance under Wyoming state law anyway...but I wonder what the present was. My guess...well, rather my hope...was some kind of a kevlar vest, so he'd be prepared for next time. Lesson for all you kids out there - Don't open your presents before Christmas morning...or your crazy mother will accuse you of having another mommy and is likely to stab you with a candy cane. Merry Christmas...and don't do meth!!!


A Truly Shitty Wedding Dress - Jennifer Cannon and Doy Nichols of Lexington, Kentucky were married in Times Square earlier this week. Apparently, it's legal to name your son Doy in Kentucky...though it's still mean. The main story is though...that Jennifer's dress was made out of Charmin toilet paper. No complaints from the groom as he always said that his wife was squeezably soft...so the dress should be the same. (Rim shot) More interesting crap about this dress...is there was actually a contest to make the best TP Wedding Dress and it was sponsored by a company after my own heart, Cheap Chic Weddings.


There are Crazy Dog Ladies Too??? - A crazy broad in Corpus Christi had some 237 canines removed from her home last week. Most were Pomeranians, so they could easily be stacked by the gross into one animal control vehicle...but it just goes to show that it's not just crazy cat ladies anymore. We should all be afraid...very afraid. I think this lady should be put away for a minimum of 23 months...because I'm certain that she was breading those Pomeranians for the purposes of having them duel to the death. Not for money...but for the last Beggin' Strip in the bag. I'm just thankful that those little furballs didn't have to be put in the ring to prove themselves...because it would have been really loud and obnoxious.


I guess that'll do it for today. I guess I'll check in with all of you some day soon...maybe after Christmas so I can give you a final tally of my Christmas score. Also, going to get some good Utah Blaze tickets tomorrow. I'll keep you posted on that too. Still waiting for RSVP's to my Aunt Missy's birthday party next Saturday, December 29th. So until next time, have a very merry Christmas!!! Happy Birthday Jesus!!!

Movie Night Extravaganza

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday started with me listening to ESPN talk about Bill Parcells joining the Atlanta Falcons as an executive VP of football operations. I woke up this morning to news that he's joining the Miami Dolphins in the same position. Now...was this a simple miscommunication through ESPN sources? I mean, it's slightly larger than a typo on a report leading to an attack on Iraq instead of Iran...but they covered it very well, in either case. Shortly after, Bubbles and I went to do some Christmas shopping at the Dancing Crane, which is an incredible import store with a lot of decorations for anybody who wants to make their home shinier, smellier, prettier, or more worldly. We walked through there for an hour, saw a lot of great stuff, but didn't end up buying anything. I didn't know what to get my stepmom, because if possible, I like to get people stuff they'd actually use...like a table or lamp or something...and then pick one that has fairies all over it or a Buddha with a belly you can put your beer on something. Oh yeah, I briefly considered getting a table that was Logi with his head between his legs (didn't ask why) so that I could use him to hold my tasty beverage...but didn't...mostly because it was over a thousand dollars.

After there, Bubbles mentioned that she wasn't in a very decisive mood (slight hangover?) so we decided to get something to eat at the Belgian Waffle House. This restaurant obviously has a great breakfast menu...and I know this because it's open 24 hours...so whenever I need me a waffles with ice cream and hot fudge syrup on top of it at three in the morning, this is the place to go. However, I decided to pick from their lunch menu...and got a giant greasy 1/3 pound burger with pastrami, several cheeses, and a side of potato salad. The burger was delicous. The potato salad was potato salad. My mom makes better.

After lunch, it was almost time for our early Movie Night. It had to be early because we had tickets to a friend's husband's band, Slow Ride at 7 PM at Liquid Joe's. The Mad Scientist met up with me while Bubbles ran some other errands and he told me about his bad ass trip to San Francisco this last weekend. He also gave me one of the coolest presents EVER. A Miracle Jesus Action Figure with glow-in-the-dark hands, the ability to turn water to wine, and the ability to feed 5000 with five loaves and two fish. Thanks Professor!!! Just for that, here's a sexy picture for you...with a question...what's better than one Neve Campbell?

When Bubbles finally showed up, we started to watch "The Way of the Gun" which I had never seen before. It's a great shoot-em-up flick with catchy one-liners and great dialogue too. One scene in particular that I enjoyed was the first of the movie. Why? Sarah Silverman plays her type cast role as a bitchy Jewish girlfriend...and this is the first time that I've seen something funny from it. That's all I'm going to say about it. Check it out. Speaking of type cast, is it just me...or is Ryan Philippe the prototypical tough pussy? I mean, I've seen a lot of movies where he's supposed to be a bad ass thief or drug runner or cop or something involving a gun...but we always has the scenes where he's conflicted or severely emotional...and every time I think to myself, "Is he gonna cry? Is the big bad kidnapper going to cry? Come on Goldilocks, it's okay. It's okay. You'd better get your head back in the game...because James Caan's coming after ya..." Great flick though.

Towards the end of the movie, Brooklyn showed up to join us for Movie Night...and it was already past 7 PM, so we didn't end up at the concert. No biggie though, we were being entertained with less-expensive drinks. The second movie was "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" with Robert Downey jr. and Val Kilmer. Another great flick that I've gone over before. The ultimate fun, one-liner, film noir, whodunit? murder mystery...check it out if you like anything...and I'm sure that you like something. Towards the end of that movie, JJ showed up. So FIVE people showed up to Movie Night. Usually it's two, I like this trend. Tell your family & friends about the next movie night...stay tuned...and feel free to give suggestions too. So when is the next Movie Night? I'm thinking next Thursday the 27th may be it.

Other than that, not much going on. My brother REALLY wants to hang out...and my recently engaged best buddy Isaihia may be there today. We shall see. He can prove to be flaky sometimes...especially now that he's officially whipped...instead of merely accepted as a fact. Regardless, it should be a fun time. First though, it's my favorite day of the week, Payday, so I've gotta stop by work because cash rules everything around me, cream, get the money, dollar dollar bills y'all. Not sure when my next post'll be...maybe a few days...but at the latest Sunday (I work). Get out there and finish your Christmas shopping and spend time with your loved ones!!! That's a prescription from your doctor, Dr. Mookie Love. Also, if you have nothing better to do, check out the SD Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl where my alma mater, the University of Utah goes against Army. Should be a great game!!!

Imagination Gone Wild

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

It is now officially the last week before Christmas...and I have most of my Christmas shopping done...but I've left out some of the most important ones so far, like my mom, my stepmom, Jesus, and a step-aunt that I'm supposed to get a present for a family thing. How do I solve this dilemma with only a few days? Go to the Dancing Crane for the ladies to get something cool and/or shiny. Jesus is always a toughy though. I mean...the man has everything. I'd get him a movie like my father (who also has everything) but when you're the star of the "Greatest Story Ever Told" it's kind of hard to appreciate "Balls of Fury" and it's pointless to get him a movie with some shameless nudity...because he was there when it was made. It's like giving an artist a painting that they painted. Oh well, I'll think of something I'm sure. He is a carpenter. Maybe he could use some of those new tools like the electric leveler or a automatic hammer or something. I smell a stop by the Home Depot.


Eagles Season is Officially Over - With the Minnesota Vikings winning last night, the Philadelphia Eagles are no longer eligible for the NFL's postseason. So no fancy Wild Card run through the Seahawks, Cowboys, Packers, and Patriots to win their first championship since gas was a nickel a gallon or something like that...just anxiously awaiting their mid-first round draft pick...probably a wide receiver who will eventually suck...but hey, I've been surprised before. Will they bail on Donovan McNabb? Will Brian Westbrook step in at quarterback...since allegedly he's the only good player on the team according to ESPN sportscasters? Will Andy Reid finally shave the moustache and reveal to the world his true identity...George Wendt? So many questions...only time will tell...


Dicky V Has Surgery, Baby!!! - Dick Vitale, the most prominent college basketball broadcaster of the last thirty years or so had surgery on his vocal cords today in Boston. For the first time in 28 years with ESPN, Dicky V will miss an assignment...but is planning to make a full recovery by February, just in time for March Madness, the NCAA college basketball championship tournament. Say what you will about his "Diaper Dandies" and seemingless endless string of random metaphors for some great basketball players...but the man truly seems to love his job...and we should all be so lucky. His sincere enthusiasm, even at the age of 68, is something we should all exhibit in our daily lives. "HEY!!! Great hustle on that TPS report, Jan!!!" "Look at Ron winning over the board in his presentation. It's AWESOME, BABY!!!" "That Sylvia in accounts receivable is a real Diaper Dandy. In only her first year, she's gone from the mail room to executive assistant to managing her own department. UP, UP, UP & AWAY!!! Breakin' through that glass ceiling with the heart of a champion."


Charity Request for the Day - Dick Vitale is also an avid fundraiser for the V Foundation, a cancer research foundation named for his departed close friend and former college basketball coach and broadcaster Jimmy Valvano. Coach Valvano was an inspiring individual and his story of heart, passion, perseverance, determination, and above all Love is one that transcends sports and television. If you find that you have a few extra dollars this year from your Christmas bonus or something, please feel free to donate to the V Foundation...and if you're ever thinking that something is too hard and you feel like quitting, just remember his simple...yet effective message. "Don't give up. Don't EVER give up."


I really don't have much else to talk about. JL Clyde has a new purple phone. Bubbles & I are having a Movie Night tomorrow if you're interested. Not sure what we're going to see...but a fun time will be had by all. My brother asked me if I was getting "The Simpsons Movie" for Christmas. "Why would I know this? If it's a gift, I'm not going to know." "Oh yeah...but...okay, I'll check with Mom & Dad...and like, don't buy it or anything. Okay?" "Okay. Deal." Now I have to practice my surprise face. That's really stretching for info to share right now. I have to pee a little. Too much?


Now, I didn't think it was possible...but I have been accused of having an overactive imagination at times. Now, I do a fairly good job of keeping reality and fantasy separated (unfortunately) so when I was checking my MySpace account and stumbled upon this quiz (along with many Friend Requests from deleted profiles and promiscuious women) about imagining myself as various objects, I thought it would be fun...and here are the results...


Imagine you're...

A Landmark: The Grand Canyon - People would be amazed at just how vastly hollow I am

A Sport: Basketball - I've always wanted to get a tattoo of a basketball on my heart. That's kind of a lie. Otherwise, wouldn't I already have that tattoo?

A Holiday: Thanksgiving - Only change I would make...usually I eat the pie before enjoying the stuffin'

A Food Group: Sweets & Phats - Everybody calls me sugar or says I'm sweet...until they get to know me too much...then I make them sick. I also go straight to your hips.

An Energy Drink: Rock Star 21 - Full of energy and probably the same alcohol content

An iPod: ??? One of those 80GB big boys that know a wide variety of songs...but country would be left out

A Song: "Slow Jamz" by Twista, Kanye, & Jamie Foxx or "Me & My Monkey" by Robbie Williams (Tip: If you've never heard "Me & My Monkey" check it out on my MySpace page)

Type of Cosmetic Surgery: Switching faces with John Travolta? I look tired sometimes...then I sound like Nicolas Cage

A School Subject: Marketing 6900: Advanced Pimpology III - Dozens of Prerequisite courses...but this is your actual fieldwork. Course will focus on Mathematics, Persuasive Tactics, the Art of Standard Lessening of Attitude Procedures (S.L.A.P.), Style (special substitute teacher JL Clyde), and special attention paid to where your game may be lacking. The course is fairly intense...and you must pay all cover charges at the club...but upon completion you will received your honorary Ph.DD (the extra D is for a Double Dose of this Pimpin'). Can you dig it

A Piece of Paper: Probably one of those penis drawings from "Superbad" or some doodling by Picasso in his mid-twenties where there was some girl-on-girl action

Type of Clothing: Terry Cloth Robe - Thick, soothing, and I'll keep you warm on those cold winter nights

A Form Of Communication: Hand Gestures - A peace sign, the Finger, hang loose, sign language, so much can be communicated without saying a word.

A Sin: Lust - I actually have no idea what second place would be

An Exercise: Squat Thrusts...and lots of 'em

A Pair of Underwear: Loose-fitting Silk Boxers with Dollar bills on them - If you ask nice, I just might show them to you

A Store: Wal-Mart - One day, this world will be MINE!!!

A Drink: NyQuil - Just take me 'til you doze off

A Pair of Shoes: Black Converse High Tops with white logo

A US City: Vegas - I try to put forth this family-friendly image...but take the kids to Anaheim or Orlando, this is where the adults have fun

A Toy: Wii - To explain why, please enjoy this video

A Piece of Jewelry: Jewel-studded Grill - Because I'm just f**king ridiculous...

A Season: Spring - I'm not that hot...but still quite pleasurable

A Form of Transportation: Time Traveling DeLorian - Flux Capacitor, Mr. Fusion, Stainless Steel body, a Lightning Rod, that has me written all over it

A Color: Blue - The sky, the ocean, lovely eyes, Boise State's football field, B.B. King's music, lots of beautiful things... "You're my boy, Blue!!!"

A Dummies Book: Blogging for Dummies - Talk about boring daily stuff, throw in some clever metaphor (perverted if possible), ramble about some badass celebrity's birthday, see if there's anything in the news worth rambling about, maybe do a top 10 list (or 5 if you don't have enough fingers...like me), close with a picture of a hottie when on a sour note. That'll be $12.95 US / $15.95 CA through PayPal

A Summer Activity: Sweating - You don't even have to be thinking about me for me to get you wet...

A High School Stereotype: Undersexed Clever Nerd - Think "Superbad" meets "Revenge of the Nerds"

A Chore: Picking Up Broken Glass - If I don't get done soon...somebody could get hurt

A Reason for Being Pulled Over: Overuse of "Your Mom" Responses - "I wasn't aware that there was legislation passed, Officer. Your mom didn't tell me. Oh my God!!! I'm so sorry. I have this condition. I think your mom gave it to me. CRAP!!! I need help!!!"

A Girls Name: Anita Lover - True statement...and author of "The Devil's Diet"

A Game: Strip Two-Hand Touch & Naked Wrestling - It's really just a fancy way of saying foreplay & rough sex (The Safe Word is...Statutory)

A Form of Giftwrap: Wrapped in a Newspaper - Admit it!!! You have NO idea what it is under the Classifieds (unless I have it circled)

A TV Channel: Comedy Central - Only the cool kids know I exist

A Bad Habit: Masturbation - The only reason I wouldn't do it is if somebody else did. It's a tribute to my work ethic.

A Fear: Arachibutyrophobia - Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth. I should do more Fear things like I did back in the day. I think I only got to letter G.

A House: Playboy Mansion - Why not?

A Book Genre: Romance Novels - Some day, I might share my little short story that I wrote for a ladyfriend who was reading a Danielle Steele novel...and a book about Popes...at the same time. I call it "Forbidden Love - The Story of Pope Stephano X"

An Accent: Southern U.S. - I have a bit of a draw and people think I'm slow...but it'd have to be a Texas accent because you can make out some of the words

An Oral Procedure: Smiling - It's what I live for

A Type of Candy: Sucker - All the way down to the soggy white stick

Yeah, I guess that'll do it for tonight. Have a great day everybody...and let me know if you're interested in Movie Night tomorrow. Donate to the V Foundation if you can. Together we can make a difference. Now, I have a four-day weekend where I may or may not blog...so until then, get that Christmas shopping done...but more importantly, let the good people out there know how much you love & care for them. Peace!!!

Christmas Shopping

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today at work, we had a wonderful little Secret Santa gift exchange (which honestly wasn't that secret...as you can probably guess) and Santa (a.k.a. Bubbles) got me the world's coolest Chia Bart. I will display it at work...because I'm hardly ever home...and even when I am home, I rarely remember to water plants. Luckily, my bamboo plant can go weeks on one watering. That is the only reason it has survived. That and the companionship of the stuffed panda bear that hugs him and keeps him warm during the cold, cold night. Anyway, I realized attempting to wrap my present last night, that I had either stashed my Christmas tags & bows in a place that I have forgotten, or leant them to somebody without their immediate return. In either case, I wrapped it (I had paper) and went to my local Albertson's grocery store, where one of my favorite radio stations, Oldies 94.1 KODJ, was doing a live broadcast.


I walked past as they were frantically setting up stuff...and there were a few service men & women in uniform (Army girls are hot) standing, waiting to be interviewed or something, so I said hi & thank you...as any good American should. Maybe this station will be the proud owner of the "Dr. Love Hour" when I start my radio career. I can fill a few hours in the late evening with some smooth R&B hits from the 60's, 70's, & 80's. Anyway, then I tried to find some Christmas tags & bows...to no avail. I asked a clerk, "I don't think we have those here." "What? You don't have Christmas tags? How is that possible?" "I don't know. I haven't seen them anywhere and we don't have any seasonal display thing for Christmas stuff this year." "Schucks. Okay, thank you." So I took some hotel stationary that I had at home, addressed it "To: Laquesse & Baby, From: Santa c/o The Kool Kidz" and she was happy to get it despite my obvious male wrapping and decoration skills.


Christmas Shopping - I've noticed that when I go Christmas shopping for others, it usually turns out to be a kind of "One for you, one for me" situation. For example, I'll go to Best Buy or something to get a movie or video game that I think somebody on my Groovy List (not on my S**t List) would want...and then I'll see something on sale that I would like. "Oh nice. Freddie Jackson's Greatest Hits for $9.99? I gots to get that." Then one of my other personalities will throw in their two cents, "Mookie, you shouldn't get that. Somebody might get that for you for Christmas. Then what? Are you going to ask for a receipt or something? After they spent all that time looking at five different stores for it?" "You're probably right, $teve. You're always right. Wait, nobody that I know knows who the hell Freddy Jackson is...less that I would be interested in an album of his greatest hits from the 70's and 80's. I'm willing to take that risk and get it now...while it's only $9.99 plus tax. Besides, then I'd get double reward points too." "You're right, Mookie. You've proven your case. Please, proceed with your purchase. Any thoughts on what you're going to get your stepmother?" "I don't know. I was thinking just stopping by the Dancing Crane and..." This is my world, ladies & gentlemen. Welcome. A constant struggle between two opposing sides. So if I seem to drift off for no apparent reason, either I'm deep in a debate about something completely random such as "Do I really like toast?" or I'm having some hot fantasy about Adriana Lima from two different points of view (star AND director).


So anyway, yeah, I've done about half of my Christmas shopping...but I work everyday for the next eight or so, then it's the weekend before Christmas when everybody else is scrambling like they're making eggs for the homeless. Oh well, I'll make due...and those that I forget, I'll charm them into submission. Besides, the most important thing about the Holidays is just to show those people out there that you care about...just how much you love and care for them. Commercialism and material things are a distant aspect of this time of year...at least to me. If you don't get me a gift, I won't be offended. Maybe just an email saying, "Hey $teve, you rock!!! I just wanted to let you know that I know that you rock!!! Happy Holidays, playa!!!" and that'll keep me warm at night (since nobody else will).


The Day The Baseball Died - In elementary school, I played on a baseball team with my friends in 5th and 6th grade...poorly. Sure, I was fast (long-legged) and I could throw...but I was an admittedly horrible baseball player...and I was fine with it. The main reasons I gave it a shot included that my friends played and they wanted me to play on the team...out in right field so when it's hit out there, I probably wouldn't catch it...but I could throw it back easily. Also, my Grandma Love (dad's mom) was a huge Atlanta Braves fan at that time and I really enjoyed going and watching games with her...just because she was so excited and I loved to see her smile, especially when I knew that she hurt so much from her cancer and diabetes treatments. It was kind of a rough time in my life when I saw her go through that while I was dealing with that puberty stuff simultaneously. I hate to say that I was glad to see her go when she did...but I knew that the pain would stop for her...and the Braves were still doing good, so she was happy. She even came and watched me play once. Probably my best game too because I drove in the winning run on a single...our only win that year that wasn't by forfeit. I know, please, sit down, hold your applause, it wasn't that great...but it was still pretty cool to me...and to her. After she passed away, I really lost any and all interest in the sport of baseball...because Basketball was my girl. I loved her and she loved me back.


For those of you who don't care about sports, I'm just going to let you know that today was the day that every Major League Baseball record, statistic, win/loss record, or anything to do with professional baseball as a whole over the last twenty years became an asterisk. New York Senator George Mitchell released his dreaded Mitchell Report (that has been going on for a decade or so) about steroid use in baseball...and it wasn't pretty at all. Barry Bonds was mentioned in the 409-page report over a hundred times. All-Star Roger Clemens was mentioned a lot (which caught me by surprise). In all, over eighty players were mentioned directly and there's still more data and tests coming in every day. Now, all the home run marks, strikeouts, wins, everything down to the multi-million dollar contracts they've all signed, and if they should be honored is under scrutiny. The McGwire / Sosa Home Run races of the late 90's, the Yankees winning pennants, Barry Bond breaking the career home run record, even the minor leagues are saturated in this steroid expose. It's going to be quite interesting what happens to the sport now that this is in the open...and I don't doubt that something will be done. It's just really sad for those people reading this out there and the kids around the world that might love the sport and have idolized these people for so long...to find out that a lot of their favorites were cheating the whole time. It's really sad. Oh well, screw it. For not caring about baseball, I sure rambled on for a while about it, huh? Anyway, let's put out a movie list or something. I haven't done one of them in a while...


Christmas Movies


Medal Winners


Gold - It's a Wonderful Life (1946) - I'm pretty sure that I've talked about this Frank Capra classic starring Jimmy Stewart as the ultimate nice guy (I like to think that he's like me) & Donna Reed as the girl of his dreams. To me, it's quite possibly the greatest feel-good movie ever made, even though it's over 60 years old. If you have never seen this movie, come on by my place, I'll heat up some hot cocoa, throw in a few tiny marshmallows, and we'll snuggle up and watch it. Or if you're a dude, we'll check it out and play Rock Band afterwards. You can still have cocoa. It's only fair. Anyway, watch it with your family. That's my suggestion.


Silver - Scrooged (1988) - Bill Murray at his finest as this century's (well, last century's I guess) Ebenezer Scrooge turned television executive who comes face-to-face with the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future. Unfortunately, without his Ghostbustin' buddies, he's forced to relive Christmases until he learns the TRUE meaning of Christmas...and it's Love y'all. Sorry to spoil the ending for everyone...but you should still check it out. It's a laugh riot and a timeless classic to boot...brought to you by director Richard Donner.


Bronze - A Christmas Story (1983) - "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." "Fra-jee-lee, it must be Italian." "It's fragile, dear." Yes, we can all go on for days about how entertaining this classic is. We've all stuck our tongues to the flagpole...and learned it's horrible sting. We've all written love poems in explicit detail about what the one thing we all really want for Christmas (Adriana Lima). We've all sung Christmas Carols like "Tis the Season to be Jorry (Fa Ra Ra Ra Ra)" at the top of our lungs. Coming from someone who was a four-eyed blonde kid with an annoying little brother when this movie came out, I loved it. Now, I'm a laser-sighted brown-haired man with an annoying little brother who still watches this movie when the setting is right (and I'm not at work until well after midnight). Also, I just picked up my mom at the airport (in a snowstorm during my lunch break, shhhh) and she has a picture of her next to the "Christmas Story" house during this latest business trip to the Cleveland suburbs. Go ahead, name me a cooler house to have your picture taken in front of. "I triple dog dare ya."


Suggestion - Trapped in Paradise (1994) - This delightful little comedy is about the three Firpo brothers (played by Jon Lovitz, Dana Carvey, and Bubbles' future sleepy husband, Nicolas Cage). The first two brothers just got out of jail for grand larceny...and were picked up by Nicolas Cage. He has been keeping a stable, normal life...until his brothers come back...and due to their clepto nature, and the fact that they found the world's easiest bank to knock off in the city of Paradise, they rob the bank. Unfortunately, during their getaway, there's a major snow storm, and they become trapped...in Paradise. Not only that, but they seem to find their ways into the good graces of the bank manager...and Nic meets his lovely single daughter...and now the moral dilemma and comedy ensues as the authorities close in on them. Give it a watch. You won't be disappointed. Even if you don't like Nicolas Cage, I recommend it for Dana Carvey.


Flush It - Jingle All the Way (1996) - The Governator (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Sinbad 'star' in this Christmas time 'comedy' about two fathers trying to find the hottest toy of the Christmas season. No, not the Baby Alive Wet & Wiggles with a penis, but the action figure Turbo Man. It's not that good. Even Phil Hartman couldn't make me enjoy this movie...and I didn't think that was possible. Commercialism of the holidays at its finest...and honestly, Arnie in a comedy is usually pretty hit-or-miss. I liked "Twins" & "Kindergarten Cop" but this movie was really bad, in my humble personal opinion, of course.


Future Watch - Bad Santa 2? (2010?) - Probably never going to happen...but check out the first one if you haven't. Billy Bob Thornton is hilarious. That movie made me not hate him anymore after the whole "I'm nailing Angelina" thing. Nightmare Before Christmas 3-D - I have no idea why I haven't gone and seen this movie in 3-D yet...but I certainly plan to. Anybody interesting in going, let me know. I hate to go to theatres alone. You know, since the whole Pee Wee Herman thing. Dumb & Dumbest (2010?) - Is it too much to ask for Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels to reprise their roles? Oh yeah, this is mentioned because the character's name is Lloyd Christmas. Black Christmas 2 (2009?) - Also probably never going to happen because the first one flopped like Lacey Chabert's chesticles...but again, check out this horror classic too. I've actually never seen the original...but the remake that came out last year has the aforementioned Lacey Chabert, Michelle Trachtenberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, and a slew of other young hotties. You owe it to yourself. Merry Christmas!!!


P.S. You're welcome, Mad Scientist!!!

Happy Birthday Megan!!!

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

I'd like to wish a happy 21st birthday to my first real girlfriend (who I don't think even reads this blog) and I hope that she is doing very well. I honestly haven't heard from her in almost a year now...but that's okay. She's a good girl and she's gonna be on the Food Network one day. You just wait and see. Being her twenty-first birthday, I'm assuming there's some celebrating going on for her...so how did I celebrate? I went to a gentlemen's club for a few hours before heading off to work a few nighttime hours. I also finalized all my cruise activities, so I'm good to go in two weeks.


Gentlemen's Clubs - As I may have mentioned before, I like to visit gentlemen's club...especially with girls as my associates. So I was really glad the other day when two ladyfriends from work invited me to go along with them to Trails, a private club for members. When I'm 'in da club' I prefer a very laid back approach. Usually there's a beer in one hand and my other hand in my pocket...pulling out dolla dolla bills y'all...because cash rules everything around me. Anyway, back to the point. I try to keep a cool, calm, collected exterior...but it's like I'm in a Shredded Wheat commercial - "The adult in me likes the music, good food, and atmosphere..." "BUT THE KID IN ME LIKES TITTIES AND LOTS OF 'EM!!!" So I may seem like I'm dozing off...but it's only because blood is flowing away from my brain. Now, you ladies know.


One of the main things that I like about being the guy with girls at a club...is that the dancers are more likely to sit with you for a minute and say howdy...and the girls you're with have no problem with saying what you're thinking. They'll squeal and giggle and holler all the stuff that the kid in you is screaming to get out...and you can maintain your supercool, laidback persona...and giggle to yourself a little bit. I did think of the birthday girl a few times today, especially when one of the dancers seemed to be able to scratch the back of her head with her foot rather easily. Flexibility is never ever overrated.


One of the very few bad things about these clubs...is that not all the dancers are award-winning. Sure, it was kind of my own fault for going on a Monday afternoon...but I found my eyes being pulled towards the Colts / Jaguars game a few times. Not because it was an incredibly compelling game...but I just lost interest when a few dancers were up there. I didn't see any bullet wounds or anything (this time) but I just had to look away at times. Besides, I feel bad for staring...but then I think, "That's exactly what they're expecting, isn't it?" I guess it's like staring at the sun for too long. Also, one of the better dancers there had three Chinese symbols in that lovely area at the small of her back...and while her ass was gyrating, if my one semester of Chinese is correct, I believe it would translate to "No Change Given." I thought it was hot. Anyway, a fun time was had by all, then I had to come to work and that killed my buzz real quick.


I really really want to own a club though. The money must be amazing. You might be saying, "Oh, he wants it just so he can get with strippers all day" and first off, they're dancers. Secondly, I can keep my business straight when it comes to the ladies. When my money's involved, I can become a cold sum'bich. However, at the club today, I did give a lot of ones to my ladyfriends so that they could tip the dancers for me. You gotta keep the ladies happy...but they can buy their own drinks. Yeah, I had a dream of turning the Old Post Office in Ogden into a gentlemen's club (at least one floor) and call it the Lick 'n' Stamp (patent pending) but the downtown committe wanted something more "family friendly" so it's still a dream. It's a beautiful building...and it should be full of beautiful women. That's my opinion anyway.

Shopping is not my thing. I went to the mall today to find some shoes. In case I haven't mentioned it, my favorite shoes are the classic Converse high-tops, black with white logo, size fourteen. However, the tricky part is finding these shoes anywhere. I found some similar ones online but they're $70 plus...and sometimes the fit is funny. Also, I've found them at places like the supermarket for $20 before. So I went to the mall to find ANY Converse or similar shoes. The first two places (nameless to avoid negative publicity) didn't have Converse at all. Third place had some (four flashy pair) of the old school canvas ones but no basketball ones. A little peeved, I went to Payless to select from their six pair of size fourteens...and actually found a decent pair of basic black basketball shoes. That's all I need. I'm not TO or AI or T-Mac or anyother flamboyant superstar, I just need a pair of basic shoes that match everything. Hence, why shopping is not my thing.

I'll go shopping for what I need...or if I get to see a lady try on some sexy attire...but that hasn't been in high demand...but I'll give honest feedback...and find ways to entertain myself when I get bored. If you can't decide on which skirt goes with the shoes, while you're changing, I'll people watch...or I'll do something mildly entertaining to me, like dare kids to run out the door with a silky shirt (complete with purple dye pack)...or go to the register with a new pair of girl's jeans and say, "I'm sorry, I just thought that you should know...that these jeans are faded...and the knees are torn,,,and the pant legs are frayed at the end...seriously, I don't know which Goodwill store that you got these from...but you oughta be ashamed for selling them at $80 a pop. Ridiculous!!!" and then walk away...just in time for the next showcase. "Oh, I like how those jeans shape your ass sweety, lemme get a feel. (LOVE SLAP) Hell yeah." This may be one reason why I'm single too. Anyway, malls are just too fancy and I don't like paying for displays and marketing, so I usually shop at places like Wal-Mart and Target. Goodwill's cool too. That's where I get my Hawaiian shirts. Oh yeah, my fashion sense comes alive now, doesn't it? Don't lie. I know you're jealous. Anyway, time for the news again. Happy Birthday Megan!!!


Dumblebackdore - Okay, I'm sure by now that EVERYBODY has heard about author J.K. Rowling saying (more than likely joking) that master wizard Dumbledore from the Harry Potter books is a homosexual and prefers the company of men (Who doesn't?). However, with this in mind, I just found a new reason to watch the first few Harry Potter movies...and the latter ones again, just so that whenever Harry goes to talk to Dumbledore in his private chambers, it has a hilarious vibe...at least to me. "Tell me about your dreams, Harry. Are you stressed? Would you like me to rub your shoulders? Maybe some cognac?" Also, I've heard through the internet grapevine that there will be yet another new actor playing Dumbledore in the next movie...



Yes, I am aware that there is a very MAJOR difference between a homosexual and a pedofile...but this is what I have to do to make Harry Potter entertaining to me. Is it really MY fault or J.K. Rowling? Yeah, I'm going to Hell. Oh well, I'll go laughing along the way. Mwahahahahahaha...


Panty Protest - Women from several countries have begun sending their panties to Myanmar embassies in a culturally insulting gesture of protest against the recent brutal crackdown there. The group, Lanna Action for Burma, says the country's superstitious generals believe that contact with women's undergarments saps them of power. There's the link for the website (on Blogger) so check it out if you're interested in joining the movement...or just let me know and I'd be happy to ugh...forward them on for you in a package. Yeah...as the website says, "Send early, send often!" It's better than just throwing them away...and you'll be taking a major step towards Burmese freedom and women's rights.


Anyway, that's enough from me today. Again, a happy birthday to Megan as we approach midnight. Hopefully you're having a great time and getting home safely.