Ash Wednesday

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

First and foremost, a very happy birthday to fellow blogger Amber!!! Guys do dig poor chicks. Hope you're having a wonderful start to your Lent. I completely missed that yesterday was Fat Tuesday until I went into work and my manager gave me crabs…in beaded necklace format. As you may know, New Orleans is one of my favorite towns in all of the world…and I have yet to be there during a big celebration like Mardi Gras, Halloween, a Saints victory, or anything like that…but I did spend Mother's Day weekend there once…and it's always a lot of fun if you know where to go. Anyway, I thought that I'd share some of the history of Mardi Gras, for those of you who aren't familiar with it. This is courtesy of my current employer, so please refer any difference of opinion to them directly…and tell them Dr. Mookie Love sent you. It'll be a great look on their face. "Who?"


Though its exact origins are subject to debate, the celebration known as Carnival came to be associated with Judeo-Christian tradition. For many Christians, January 6th marks the Day of Epiphany (also the Day a GOD was born this year) and celebrates the day the gift-bearing Magi visited the Christ child, thus ending the Christmas season. This holiday is also known as the Kings' Day or Twelfth Night as it is the 12th day of Christmas. In New Orleans, January 6th simultaneously starts Carnival where festivities like parades, balls (he-he), and king cake parties celebrate before Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. Historically the day before Ash Wednesday was symbolized by the ritual slaughter of a fatted bull or ox (beouf gras) and it came to be known as Mardi Gras. To New Orleanians, "Mardi Gras" refers only to the final and most elaborate day of the Carnival Season "Fat Tuesday."


During Carnival there is at least one major parade each day with the largest and most elaborate parades taking place the last five days of the season. While many tourists center their Mardi Gras activities on Bourbon Street and the French quarter, due to the narrow streets, the parades haven't been there since 1972…but rather go down major avenues like Canal Street and St. Charles Avenue. The throwing of trinkets to the crowd was started in the early 1870's by the Twelfth Night Revelers (I believe a jazz quintet during that time) and is a time-honored tradition for young & old alike. In 1884, they started using medallions instead of trinkets, which are represented by today's doubloons. Now, there are also cups, stuffed animals, and strings of plastic beads (as seen on "Girls Gone Wild: Dormroom Fantasies").


Traditionally, the King Cake was baked on Epiphany Eve and served the following afternoon to family and friends. Today, the cake is served throughout the season. In New Orleans, the person who receives the piece of cake containing a baby (IT'S MADE OF PEOPLE!!!) must provide the king cake for the next gathering of the season. Local bakeries report selling some 5000 king cakes each day during that time. Traditional King Cake is a sweetened yeast bread with traditional adornment of sprinklings of sugar in the traditional Mardi Gras colors (How many times have I said tradition so far?). These colors are Purple for Justice, Green for Faith (gotta have it), and Gold for Power. Funny, I thought it was for the grapes, the money, and the honey. Hopefully this overexplanation of the holiday will help you to appreciate the elaborate parades, delicious snacks, and time-honored traditions that enable you to get wasted and trade beads for double D's. "Nice!!! I dub this day to be PHAT Tuesday from now on. It's a celebration, bitches!!! Be merry!!! It's good to be the King."


Anyway, that was yesterday, I guess. I worked all day…instead of danced and drank with my kinfolk. Oh well, at least I didn't eat the baby. That could have been awkward. Today, I get paid to give my opinion at a focus group. By the way, have any of you tried this Google AdSense thing that they talk about getting cash for doing your blog? Does it really work or are they jerking my chain? Anyway, I'm looking for supplemental income and trust me…you don't want this guy whoring himself out in your neighborhood. Big Movie Night tonight!!! Already have a few RSVPs and a few maybes including the always-entertaining (whether she knows it or not) Foxy. Good times!!! Now, here's the news…


Maharashi Mahesh Yogi Died - Last week, I told you that the Maharashi went into isolation for private inflection. I guess he knew that his time was near…and at the tender age of 91, the guru of Transcendental Meditation passed away at his home in Vlodrop, Netherlands. Though this is sad times for his over 5 million followers, some of his words of peace and tranquility may help: "Don’t fight the darkness. Bring the light, and the darkness will disappear." My condolences to his followers and family. He seemed like a cool dude…and we can all learn from his example.


Welcome to the Hard Place - This is what happens when Hippies go crazy. Let it be known, that I have absolutely nothing against Hippies…because then I'd hate myself a little…but this is ridiculous in my personal opinion. San Francisco voters will decide on Tuesday whether to remove the famous Alcatraz Prison visited by thousands of tourists a day and instead create a "global peace center." The Director of the Global Peace Foundation, who gives his name as Da Vid (Are you f**king kidding me? Why not Sofa King Stew Pid?) says transforming Alcatraz will "liberate energies, raising the whole consciousness of the Bay Area." Supporters would like to raze the prison and build a medicine wheel, a labyrinth and a conference center for non-violent conflict resolution. However, the silliest bit about this report is Da Vid comparing himself to one of the Beatles, "Like John Lennon, I may be a dreamer, but I'm not the only one." Well Da Vid, Moo Key may not agree with what you say, but he'll defend to the death your right to say it. That being said, I think your idea is We Todd Did. You're talking about the world's most famous correctional institution and the sight of many major Hollywood action movies and turning it into a Hippie theme park. What the hell is a Medicine Wheel? Is that like a Public Square? Or a Circle Jerk? Okay, that was a little harsh. I apologize. Still, turning "The Rock" into a peace center is sort of like turning Gettysburg into an extreme Frisbee field. I assume that the good people of San Francisco vote this proposal out of existence…but it's their vote. They live there. They can do what they want. I just hope that it at least doesn't happen until AFTER I go there in April. I wanna see where the other inmates pissed into the bitch's ocular cavities on the tour first…then do with it as you will. This way to the cafeteria.


50 & Bobby - On the March issue of Vibe magazine, the cover will feature the likes of rapper-turned-actor Curtis Jackson a.k.a. 50 Cent a.k.a. Fitty and the greatest living actor, Robert DeNiro. It's to promote their upcoming (and highly-anticipated by me) movie "Righteous Kill" also starring Al Pacino, Donnie Wahlberg, John Leguizamo, and Brian Dennehy. It's a crime drama about two NYPD detectives (DeNiro & Pacino) hunting a vigilante, who may be one of their own. It comes out April 18th...and I plan to check it out. I mean, DeNiro & Pacino on the same team? 50 is F-U-K-T. During the interview, 50 says how he'd like to hang out with Bob on his days off and that being in his superstar presence helps him to relax. "His celebrity is so strong that I get a chance to feel like a normal person for a little bit." Yeah, I could see how hanging around one of the greatest actors ever could help me to calm down a bit too. I hate other people being starstruck by me too. I need to hang out with more fellow celebrity bloggers who may or may not exist. I love how in the interview DeNiro talks about being famous for playing gangsters & mob bosses from Don Corleone to Al Capone. "Those characters are more exciting. People like to watch and identify with them in some ways. It's a fantasy. The other side is, for an actor, (those parts are) more fun, in a way, to do." When asked if he could actually live his roles (or something along those lines. "No, I don't know. I'm actually…more sensitive." This coming from the man who danced around in a dress in "Stardust" after putting a little heart on his cheek. You're the greatest, Bobby. Can't wait to hang out on Saturday nights.


Boyhood Dreams Through Science - Scientists at Newcastle University in Great Britain have created human embryos with three parents in a development they hope could lead to effective treatments for a range of serious hereditary diseases within five years. The IVF, or test-tube, embryos were created using DNA from one man and two women (it's kind of like a three-way). The idea is to prevent women with faults in their mitochondrial DNA passing diseases on to their children. Around one in 5,000 children suffer from mitochondrial diseases, which can include fatal liver, heart and brain disorders, deafness, muscular problems and forms of epilepsy. Mitochondria, schmitochondria, I can't wait until they these fuse my DNA with that of Adriana and Angelina. Hot, tan, tall, and talented - The Quadruple Threat. Throw in that whole immunity to disease thing…you may have the next Highlander…only sexier than Adrian Paul & Christopher Lambert COMBINED. My God, can you imagine it? Take a moment just to let that all sink in. Go ahead. I'll wait.


Shaq Gets Traded - Shaquille O'Neal is a very large man...and a talented basketball player. Sure, his massive stature helps him to be a dominant player...but that's just using what God gave him...and he went to high school in San Antonio...so he's cool by association. However, he currently plays for the Miami Heat, the team he helped lead to the 2006 championship...but now has the NBA's worst record...and is starring in commercials as a jockey during the Super Bowl. Also, for the first time in his 15-year NBA career, he wasn't picked for the All-Star team due to career lows in point, rebounds, and having missed the last 16 games due to injury...on the league's worst team. However, there's a glimmer of hope now...as they may be trading him to the Phoenix Suns, a team that has been at the top of the Western Conference for the past few years...and are in need of a big man to help out Amare Stoudemire. Sure, Shaq's a LOT slower than the Phoenix Suns fast break gameplan led by fellow great Steve, Steve Nash...but he can provide size on defense...and can still help out on the half-court offense. If you don't care about basketball, I apologize for this ramble...but I do, and it's my blog. Sorry. I'm extremely curious how this is going to work out for the Suns. Good luck to them. You'll need it against the 4-time World Champion, San Antonio Spurs...even when their All-Star point guard is down, they still kick ass. Wooo-hoooooo!!! Anyway, see ya in the playoffs.


Mr. Baseball's Wife - I remember as a kid watching baseball…and see Yankees slugger and moustache aficionado Don Mattingly play. After retiring, he naturally moved into coaching other big leaguers how to hit with the Yankees…and this past season, when the manager position opened up, he was in high contention for the job…but lost out to Joe Girardi, another former Yankees slugger. I think that if he still had the moustache, they would have picked him…but whatever. Shortly after that, he filed for divorce from his wife Kim (He and Slim Shady have the same problems? Interesting.) On Saturday, police in Evansville, Indiana arrested her after she refused to leave his home and is being charged with disorderly conduct and public intoxication. The only reason that I really mention this…is not because I'm concerned about Don's life, though I wish him the best…because again, he seems like a cool cat. The real reason that I mention this…is her priceless mugshot. Either she's the victim of a botched facelift…or she's a living, breathing anime character.




Well, I'd better get ready for a big day ahead of me…and an incredible Movie Night. Since we're talking about New York sports, I'd like to show you why it's so great to win a Super Bowl. Not only are you the World Champions in the ultimate team sport. Not only do you get a beautiful diamond encrusted ring. Not only do you get to become the guy on the commercial who says, "I'm going to Disneyland." THIS is why it's so good to win the Super Bowl…because when you win MVP, you can command your fellow champion millionaire teammate to give you oral gratitude.

"It's good to be the King"

The Big Easy Prequel

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Concert Announcement This Friday - My buddy Spitsofrantic and Soul Shakers Entertainment will be live in the flesh at Kamikaze's at 24th & Adams in Ogden, Utah...this Friday, September 21st. This memorable performance will kick off their interstate tour, so if you're looking for a great concert, Kamikaze's is the place this weekend. Holla!!!

I'd first like to start the day off with something that happened to me, that I feel I need to share...for no particular reason other than you might find it as funny as I did...afterwards. So I was at work yesterday & I had a paper to give to a lady...who I'm not going to lie, I think is really really hot. Anyway, I caught her in route as she was heading home.

"Excuse me miss, I have this paper for you."
"Oh sorry $teve, I'm on my way home."
"That's cool. It's not important or anything."
"Would you mind just putting it in my box?"
"I would gladly put anything you wanted me to in your box..."

This was when I realized that I had switched into my Barry White voice (some kind of reflex)...and actually said those words out loud. She had caught it too...but kind of laughed it off...but I meant every word. Anyway, that was that. She went home & I continued with my work day. Again, make awkward involuntary sexual innuendo, not war.

More New Orleans

Without further ado, here are some suggested things to do in the wonderful city of New Orleans that I had the experience of doing during my trips a little over two years ago, when I had more time to do fun stuff. So a hea hea go...

First off, I just wanted to through in this portrait of King Louis XVI that my buddy Spitso & I saw at the hotel. We liked it...because it's the King of France grabbing his crotch...and so we thought that whenever we posed for pictures in New Orleans, we would grab our crotches...luckily, we didn't pose much. Enjoy.

St. Louis Cathedral in Jackson Square

In front of the house where Jefferson Davis died

This guy on the right is grabbing himself too...

French Quarter - Everybody knows that Bourbon Street is the place to get your drink on & see some complimentary frontal nudity as long as you don't mind walking through vomit half the time. However, there are many other areas & streets worth a gander. For example, one block away from Bourbon Street is Royal Street, which is excellent for antique shopping, souvenior shopping, and seeing similar French Quarter architecture to Bourbon Street but without 90% less drunken behavior. Also, you can find Jackson Square & the St. Louis Cathedral, also surrounded by souvenior shops & restaurants...and adjacent to the Riverfront, so that you can see the mighty Mississippi River. Everywhere that you go, there's music playing - at the restaurants, street performers, from the riverfront, etc.

Aquariums are always cool...but I didn't see this one.

Statue of Jean-Baptiste Le Moyne de Bienville

Founder of New Orleans (1680-1767)

The place that the locals go for fun & good food (allegedly) is Frenchman's Street just outside of the French Quarter...but you can take the street cars over there...and if you like soul food like I do, check out the Praline Connection. Jambalaya, alligator sausage, red beans & rice, collard greens, cornbread, barbecue anything, all the necessities at a moderate price...and the service is friendly & spectacular. It's kitty corner from this mural if you get lost.

Steamboat Natchez Cruise - While on the Riverfront, you can take a cruise on a steamboat like Tom Sawyer (Or was it Huck Finn? Or his buddy N-word Jim?). As you board, you hear the calliope playing various tunes and once you're inside they have live entertainment with turn of the century ragtime music playing, a southern buffet lunch, and beverages...then a tour guide over the intercom system discussing points of interest such as where the Battle of New Orleans happened, where Tennessee Williams lived, etc.

The Big Easy Skyline

Garden District - Take the streetcar on the St. Charles Line out past Lee's Circle and until the 3rd Street stop (about a thirty minute ride for a buck or so). From there you can walk around and check out some of the beautiful Victorian style homes from the 18th & 19th centuries...and maybe one of the owners will invite you over for a mint julep. Believe me, it happens. There are also a few cemetaries that you can walk through if you're into that thing. Here are some examples...

Honey Island Swamp Tours - This was really cool. They'll pick you up at the hotel & drive you out into the swamp area (about a 45 minute drive) and take you on a boat. Along the way, you see the equivalent of a swampland trailer park...and alligators all around...and just get to soak in the environment. It's an experience that everybody should experience. It was only like $40 if I remember right too.

Lots of gators in dem swamps...

Plantation Tours - Similar to the Swamp Tour, it's about an hour drive that they'll take you on to get out to the Oak Alley & Laura Plantations (birthplace of the Brer Rabbit). The picture speak more than I ever could...so here they go.

Laura Plantation

Oak Alley Plantation

A Magnolia Tree in bloom

My mama & grandma under the old oak tree.

I took them to New Orleans for Mother's Day.

New Orleans Voodoo Football - If you like REAL football and not Real soccer, then you can get a good seat at an AFL game for $30-$40 and soak up the atmosphere and thrill of competition...and get a good view of some cheerleaders. I went with my grandma...and she loved it. That's right, the same grandma that's going to Europe with me in a few months.

Participants of the Yummy Mummy contest at halftime

Artsy Stuff - If you like art exhibits & museums and stuff like that, there are plenty of them in New Orleans. However, I didn't see any of them...but I hotel that I stayed at was like an art museum that you can spend the night at...so here are some examples of the exhibits at the Renaissance Arts Hotel on Tchoupitoulas Street (pronounced 'this street' and point).

This guy Chihuly blows glass...to make these chandelieurs

This was drawn by a gorilla found near the city of Zinj

This was more impressive in motion...

Cemetary Tours - If you're one of the cool kids who ain't afraid of no ghosts, then you can walk around the above-ground cemetaries during the day to check out the amazing marble work & read some of the dates on the tombstones like 1796 and 1815 and stuff like that. I think it's cool. Then if you're really cool, you can take the Bloody Mary midnight tour. Take the Canal Street car to the end of the line, walk into the bar across the street, that's where Bloody Mary resides (stop laughing, it's true), give her twenty bucks (or negotiate) and she'll take you into a cemetary for about two hours & share stories and pictures of past visits...and talk about some of the culture of the region, etc. It's pretty cool...and with a breeze through the trees, it can be really creepy...so guys, bring your gals. Convince them that you're just going to a cool bar that a local told you about...then say, "This looks fun. Let's do that. I'll protect you."

They all don't stay put...zombies do exist...

Mother Theresa herself may be roaming...

I wonder what she's thinking...

"Do you want some help with that, Jesus?"

"Yeah, get outta my way lady!!!"

Anyway, that's my spiel on New Orleans. I hope that I sold you on the fact that it's a pretty nifty place & you should check it out when you get the chance.

I think I'll call that a night...since it's about my lunch time & there's free pizza here at work. This just in, I may ALSO be going to Dallas for my first NFL game after Thanksgiving. Sweet, huh? I just can't get enough vacations nowadays. I'll keep you posted of course. Peace!!!