Sweet Sweet Delusion

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Do you ever have that feeling that some things just happen for a reason? Like...no matter what happens, it's going to be okay, because as long as you lead a good life, live to make others happy as well as yourself, and love those around you, things will work itself out. I feel that way all the time...mostly because I'm somewhat delusional...but I just have faith in what I can control and everything else will just do what it do. It keeps my stress levels low...almost dangerously low. It also helps me to realize that sometimes all you need is a little patience, peace & quiet, and a good friend or family member to call to cheer you up...and you can do just about anything. It's a service that I'm more than happy to provide & utilize given the situation presented to me. If any of you are ever feeling down, just call up $teve and he's more than happy to help out. Hell, if he's within driving distance, Dr. Love may make a house call. Free of charge.

For example, last night I got a call from my buddy Bubbles...and she was feeling really lonely. I tried my best to console her & keep her positive...but sometimes you just have to sit back, listen, and let them vent. Unfortunately, it got to the point of Bubbles crying...and because women crying is my kryptonite, I was kind of in a gloomy Gus mood. I worry about her. She's my buddy...and so far away. You know how it is. So I basically made her promise to relax, get some sleep, call me in the morning so I had something to look forward to, and know that no matter what happens I'm gonna be her friend. That seemed to work. Hopefully it did.

So there I was...in a gloomy mood despite watching the Celtics win the championship & see other legendary athletes like Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, & Doc Rivers cry like whipped puppies too. Then I flip it to the other channel I was watching...and it's "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" which makes me think of Bubbles...because we watched it once and she reminds me of Angelina (you've seen the pictures). Then I figure that I'll check my email or something before the late night cartoon lineup starts (exciting life that I lead) and I'm greeted with this picture from JL Clyde...

Awesome, right? Well, now for the best thing to sum it all up. I then immediately got a call from my sister-in-law...telling me about their latest trip to Wal-Mart. They were in the toy aisle...and all of a sudden she hears my niece Kairi behind her yell out "$TEVE!!!" She turned around...and saw Kairi sitting on the floor with a mini-RoboPanda trying to tear it out of the box...then she looked up at her mom, lifted the box, and kept saying "$TEVE!!! $TEVE!!! $TEVE!!!" So grandpa was there...and bought it for her. Tell me that's not the cutest thing you've heard all day. You see? I was there for my friend in her time of need...it made me feel a little down...but then I saw grown men crying with me, showing that it was okay to have some emotions. Then I caught one of the best parts of one of my favorite movies of all time (it was the husband-wife shoot-out that ends in fiery, violent, passionate coitus). Then a cheerful picture from a friend pointing out my natural tendencies to look directly at the best of everything...and then topped off with an incredibly cute story showing the kind of impact I have on a lovely little niece of mine. Karma comes back around. That's why I'm somewhat delusional...and I can only hope that some of you out there share my condition. It's great. Ignorance truly is bliss. Now for today's news...

Today's news is dedicated to…well, there's kind of a theme to it I think. Some days you just look at your situation…and I think everybody would like to have that special someone waiting for you when you get home asking you how your day was…or a friend you can BS with to get through the day…or a family member always quick to tell you how much they love you…or at least a great booty call…and this newsreel is pretty much dedicated to that idea. Enjoy. Preferably with others.

Monkey Hugs - Who doesn't like hugs & kisses? Consensual, of course (shout out to my brothers in Cell Block 4). For most folks, a nice hug and some sympathy can help a bit after we get pushed around. Turns out, chimpanzees use hugs and kisses the same way. And it works. Researchers studying people's closest genetic relatives found that stress was reduced in chimps that were victims of aggression if a third chimp stepped in to offer consolation. Dr. Orlaith Fraser says, "Consolation usually took the form of a kiss or embrace. This is particularly interesting because this behavior is rarely seen other than after a conflict. If a kiss was used, the consoler would press his or her open mouth against the recipient's body, usually on the top of the head or their back. An embrace consisted of the consoler wrapping one or both arms around the recipient." Further research may lead to the pure primal instincts behind Pity Sex…since there appears to be a correlation. Wait, actually I've just been informed that is not the reason for further research. Perhaps it'll just be an incidental discovery…like Post-Its and penicillin.

Sexbot Update - The Japanese firm Sega Toys has produced a 38 cm (15 inch) tall robotic girlfriend that kisses on command, to go on sale in September for around $175, with a target market of lonely adult men. Using her infrared sensors and battery power, the diminutive damsel named "EMA" (Eternal Maiden Actualization) puckers up for nearby human heads, entering what designers call its "Love mode." She can also sing, dance, hand out business cards, and entertain party guests apparently. Spokeswoman Minako Sakanoue (who may soon be out of a job) says, "Strong, tough and battle-ready are some of the words often associated with robots, but we wanted to break that stereotype and provide a robot that's sweet and interactive." We all know where this is going. They're just testing the interacting, compassionate, heat-seeking software for the larger models. I must admit, I'm fairly impressed with the sleek, aerodynamic design…and I'm assuming the batteries are located in her chest (Hotchuma hotchuma). Sega hopes to sell 10,000 in the first year…and they'll probably get that easily (millions of lonely people out there) but at least they're trying to make sexbots appear personal & sympathetic…because after a hard day at work, don't we all just want a little heat-seeking hottie to hug & kiss us and make it all better? Don't look at me like that. I'm not going to buy one. My RoboPanda has completely creeped me out. I'll wait until all the kinks have been worked out…and perhaps date in the meantime. You never know. Stranger things have happened.

Soccer is STILL Boring - Even during Euro 2008, it seems nothing can make soccer (futbol) interesting to me. Sure, it's nice to go to a bar and watch drunken people with funny accents argue about why Scots are better than Portuguese during the hours between goals…but in that instance, I'm interested in the people, not the game. However, there was a mildly interesting idea presented last week when a match organized by a chatroom website features a topless women's soccer team from Germany played a similarly clad team from Austria. The six-a-side teams wore nothing but thongs, with the national colors painted on to their bare skin. The football may not have been of the highest quality but that did not temper the enthusiasm of a mostly male crowd boosted by a sizeable media presence only too happy to desert Euro 2008 training for an hour or two. Austria won 10-5 but the real purpose was to help motivate their male counterparts in Euro 2008. Doris Fastenmeir said, "I hope our men will take heart from that tomorrow. We played pretty hard, we even had some injuries, like I for example broke my toe nail." The Germans took defeat sportingly and joined their opponents for alcopops and dancing at a beach club alongside the Danube. However, the quote of the day goes to German goaltender Jana Bach who said, "I was supposed to hold the balls but I really have no idea how to do that. Maybe it is because I am not all that much into soccer. I am more into shoes to be honest." Don't be coy. You know how to handle those balls. Be proud.

Utah Bikini Ban Lifted - In the city of Kanab (southern Utah), a ban on bikini swimwear is being lifted…and called an oversight for a new public pool called the Cowboy Water'n Hole, opening July 4th. City Councilwoman Nina Laycook said, "My recommendation is going to be no thongs or string bikinis. We were so engrossed with safety and health issues we overlooked the wording. We are addressing that now by amending the policy." The restrictions were not popular, even in the conservative community where the council passed a resolution in 2006 to favor the "natural family" consisting of a working husband, a stay-at-home wife and a "full quiver of children." Is that what a natural family is? I consider my family pretty natural. My mom WISHES she could have stayed at home. Exactly how many children are in a quiver? Are they arrows now? Projectiles to be fired upon neighbor's dogs? My parents were one of seventeen children…and one of eight children…so they decided to have two. Their choice…and apparently a wise one since I have a lot of stepsiblings now. Anyway, congrats on catching this oversight. Now do you see why moving to Vegas may be a really good move for me. I want a little more craziness, excitement, and perfectly tanned & oiled skin walking around the pool…and streets. Turning the temperature up about twenty degrees outta do that nicely.

Anyway, that oughta do it for me today. I've already rambled on long enough. Tonight's a work outing party with some of my favorite people in all the world like JL Clyde, the Mad Scientist, Lilie, Captain Monty, Camb, Cat, Mickey, and a few Boss Ladies. It should be fun. I may get pictures. Also, for anybody interested, Alisa's husband's band Slow Ride is going to the Huka Lounge in Murray Thursday night...and I plan on going & having a good time. I'm told they do "white guy reggae" music, so you can't go wrong. Throw back a few Red Stripes and sing along. Hooray beer!!! Have a great day everybody!!!

Magic Moments

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Happy 68th Birthday to one of the single greatest voices and recording history, William "Smokey" Robinson, jr. This R&B singer was born and raised in Detroit, Michigan and was one of the greatest performers ever to grace Motown Records...and they've had more than their share. He started as a member of the Miracles, then his silky voice seemed to transcend the group...later named Smokey Robinson & the Miracles, then eventually breaking into a solo career producing some of the greatest baby-makin' songs of all time. Over fifty years after beginning his singing career, he's still active in the music industry as a producer, guest judge on American Idol, and even releasing albums as recently as late 2006. By the way, check out his greatest hits album...it's incredible. Anyway, happy birthday to Smokey!!! Thanks for being there to sing background to some of the greatest times of my life.


So yesterday, I commented about Lauren Graham being a gorgeous 40-year old woman...and last night, I decided to watch a new release called "I Could Never Be Your Woman" directed by Amy Heckerling ("Clueless" & "Fast Times At Ridgemont High") and starring Michelle Pfeiffer and Paul Rudd. It's about Pfeiffer playing a TV producer who hires an incredibly funny new actor (Rudd) and there's instant attraction to go out. The only thing is...she's 41 and he's 29...so there's obviously an age difference. This is apparently a big thing to Michelle's character but not Rudd's. I especially like Rudd's character because he's pretty much like me...only cuter. Always zany and a bit of a class clown...and doesn't sweat the small stuff. As for the movie, it's actually very clever and funny and has a great ensemble cast including Jon Lovitz, Fred Willard, and Tracey Ullman as Mother Nature. Great flick...but kind of a chick flick obviously...so I'd suggest checking it out if you're into that stuff. By the way, in case you were wondering, Michelle really turns 50 in April and Paul turns 39 a few weeks earlier...yet thanks to Hollywood it's believable. Having dated up to 6 years older and 7 years younger, I can kind of see the point of views...but if you focus too much on age (just like any other appearance thing) then you miss out on all the other stuff...and that just wastes time & opportunity to enjoy yourself. Some news now...


Lindsay Update - Lindsay Lohan is a good friend of the blog…and we like similar things (save I enjoy my coke with a little bit of rum). Further proof of this will be forthcoming in the next issue of New York Magazine in which she poses nude for photographer Bert Stern in a recreation of the famous Vogue issue where Mr. Stern photographed a very hot & very nude Marilyn Monroe shortly before her death in 1962. Does anybody else still remember Lindsay in "Freaky Friday"? Just checking. Anyway, Lindsay wears a blonde wig and a smile for these pictures apparently as she tries to take her career out of the crapper…and I wish her the best of luck. It's even shot at the same Hotel Bel Air as the original spread…and frankly, I'm curious to see the pictures…because I’m a big fan of the original (Wallpapers on computer, PS3, etc. Don't judge me. Norma Jean was hot.) and it really didn't take much convincing for Lindsay to bear all. "I didn't have to put much thought into it. I mean, Bert Stern? Doing a Marilyn shoot? When is that ever going to come up? It's really an honor." Funny thing that she said was when asked about Heath Ledger, Marilyn Monroe, and how Hollywood can destroy young stars, she commented, "I sure as hell wouldn't let it happen to me." Apparently, drinking can give you short-term memory loss…for about a year. The photographer Stern even commented, "I thought she was a natural, not at all squeamish." In others words…she made an old man happy. Be sure to check out the next issue of New York Magazine. Coming soon...


Dr. Spock: Vulcan, Visionary, Smut Peddler? - Leonard Nimoy, who is most famous for playing Dr. Spock on the popular TV series and movies for "Star Trek", has released a collection of photos that I believe is actually long overdue entitled "Full Body Project." Essentially, it is a collection of pictures of women in the nude...inspired by some of the great artists of history...and portraying women of a larger nature by today's standards in a natural and artistic image. Not being into the whole 'reading' thing or anything concerning the literary world, I found out about this book the old fashioned way...by watching an interview on "The Colbert Report" but I like it. His reasoning for doing the book is that he believes, as I do, that all women are beautiful...and the images portrayed on television and printed media and the internet and all other mediums of the rail-thin, anorexic ditzy pixies focused on how they look more so than having a positive self-image. I simply can't believe what I hear women say about how they look all the time. It's always negative...and always wanting to lose a few pounds...or get something tucked here...or the need for new clothes to cover up their belly...or that their boobs are sagging...or some other absolutely ridiculous thing...but at least it gives me an excuse to check it out with their permission. "I ugh...I really like 'em. I don't think they're saggy at all." "Well, they're in a bra now. You should see them when they're not." "How's Friday? I'm free after ten."


Ladies, if I've said it once, I've probably said it a few dozen times...almost to the point of nauseum...on this blog, you are gorgeous. Please just deal with it. There's a reason that guys are always checking you out...and they're not criticizing you. They're usually thinking just how "out of my league" you are...and admiring for the few brief moments that they can enjoy your presence. My suggestion - Work out because you want to feel healthy, eat accordingly, wear what makes you feel comfortable, and be sure to hang around people who make you feel great...whether it's positive attitudes, making you laugh, or whoever you share those special moments with.


The culmination of last night's experiences (the movie, my calendar mentioning Smokey's birthday, the Nimoy interview, remembering some of the Marilyn pictures that Lindsay's portraying, and the concept of moments) made me reminisce about simply one of the greatest moments in my life. Now, I've been all over the globe and seen a LOT of beautiful things...and had incredible experiences...but what I've found is that life is comprised of moments...and the moments that stick with you the hardest are those with at least some element of Love. Just think about it. Think about the greatest moments of your life. What comes to mind? Your child being born, getting married to the love of your life, tender moments, I don't know, you tell me. For me, the one that really sticks out was just over two years ago...when my ex-girlfriend spent the night...and she was there the next morning. I had "sneaked off" for my morning whiz and came back, trying to sneak slide back under the covers so as not to wake her (it was a long night). It didn't work too well...but I had slid back under...and was just looking at her lie there, on her stomach, hugging her pillow, a beautiful smile upon her face without makeup, the morning sun giving her curvy body the glow of an angel, and I just thought to myself, "Wow! I am one lucky guy." She then I guess sensed that I was staring and trying to take it all in, so she opened her beautiful brown eyes, sat up a little bit just to arch her back in an even sexier manner, "See anything you like, big boy?" I then leaned in and told her the three words that every woman longs to hear in the morning, "You're so cool!" (Brownie points if you get the reference) I then kissed her, tasting her morning breath...and I enjoyed it. I then ran my hand down her back...and could feel a shivery rush go down her body (which is always really really cool, to have that effect on a beautiful woman) and she gasped for air...but only found me. She didn't seem to mind. From there, it gets a little R-rated...but that moment when I was sitting there looking at this beautiful, curvy woman who was over five years my junior, looking like a brown-haired Marilyn Monroe glistening in the morning sunshine, after listening to Smokey Robinson on repeat all night and just knowing that I made that girl happy...was simply one of the greatest moment of my young life. So now you see why all the previous stuff made me think of that.


Whether it's looking back on your own life, walking into a building, or looking at somebody that you've known for years, an almost subconscious feeling runs through your body when you recognize them...and it's a summary of all the moments, whether good or bad, that that person, place, whatever has made you feel. Not what you've said or what you've done or how right you are or anything like that...but how you make that person feel...for that moment and many others throughout your life. Just keep that in mind next time that you're reacting to something...like in an argument or, one that I'm guilty of all the time, being a smartass. Remember to take the other person's feelings into account. Now, Valentine's Week doesn't officially end until tomorrow (because I say so) when the Lunar Eclipse happens...so do yourself a favor and enjoy that moment with somebody you care about. Once again, it's tomorrow, the 20th and will be going on pretty much from 10 PM to 11 PM with the apex right in the middle there. Just a suggestion from your boy Dr. Mookie Love. Enjoy every moment that you can...and I hope that you have so many great moments that you even forget a few.


Have a great day everybody...and I'll see ya around. Lunar Eclipse tomorrow night!!! Write it down!!! Schedule it on your cell phone!!! Whatever you need to do. You're all so cool!!! Have a good one!!!

For Heather

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

In an earlier blog, I mentioned some of my views on religion...or lack thereof...and this was brought upon by a discussion with a good friend of mine, Heather. I didn't put in several key things though because...well, I just didn't. For example, I mentioned my Buddish nature, where I'll wait for things to go on sale...and she rather enjoyed that. The other day, she told me that she felt ripped off because I didn't mention some of this stuff...so today, this blog entry is for her.

Why I think Mormons rock - Being born & raised in Utah, I've been submerged in the LDS culture. Their cuisine is incredible & includes such delicacies as Funeral potatoes, fry sauce, & many infusions of Jell-O & various fruits & vegetables...yet they seem to steer away from caffeinated products (whereas I have Mountian Dew flowing in my veins). The people are extremely nice...almost too nice. They don't even swear. They even send people to my house every few weeks, wearing nice button-up shirts, ties, & slacks (so I feel REALLY underdressed when I answer the door in a robe...but they woke me up at the crack of noon) and they not only offer to hang out with me & tell me about this cool book that they've read (a lot) but invite me to these brunches that they have on Sunday mornings with their friends. It's a little unsettling that they refer to the other guy as their 'companion' but hey, that's their lifestyle & I'm cool with it. I have to admit that I'm a little flattered & all...but I've mentioned how I like to spend my Sundays...resting, watching sports, & making my place liveable by government institution standards. So I usually decline...but being the resiliant people that they are...they keep coming back occasionally to see how I'm doing & if I've changed my mind. it's always good to know that they offer is out there...just in case.

Now, one of the top reasons that I think Mormons rock....is the idea of Polygamy. Now, before my female readers get all flustered & call me a schovanistic pig (See? I don't even know how to spell it), please allow me to explain myself...at least in part. I am all for the idea of Polygyny as well (one woman + many men) and if you can do it, do it. However, I've found throughout my journey called Life...that it is much much harder to find a good man than a good woman. In fact, I'll go as far as to say that there is AT LEAST a ratio of 10:1 great women to good men. So, with that in mind, why is it so awful for one good...nay, GREAT man to have a few wives that he cares for, respects, provides for, & wants to raise many, many wonderful children with? What is so wrong with that? There are plenty of single mothers out there that would be (and are) agreeing with me. I don't know, maybe I'm old-fashioned (like 19th century frontier old-fashioned) but that makes a lot of sense to me personally.

Many of you ladies out there are probably saying "But you can only love one person, $teve (or Dr. Love, I answer to both)!!!" That is simply not so. No, I'm not talking about Chef singing about simultaneous loving...because that is definitely possible...and how!!! To me, there is A Love and THE Love. Allow to elaborate...so that you can see where I'm coming from.

A Love - Is the Love that you have for friends, other people that you barely know, a favorite sports team, an idea, somebody's cute shoes, pancakes, a fully-restored muscle car, chocolate, or anything else that you basically wouldn't hurt, maime, or kill for...but you'd still sacrifice a little bit for...whether it's making someone smile & brighten their day or depart with $5 to get an endless stack of flapjacks. This is what I also refer to as "The Overused Love" because it stems from the statements that I hear many people say like "Oh, I LOVE Fallout Boy" or "Oh, I LOVE your shoes. Where did you get them?" and the like. Still good & all...but it's not THE Love.

THE Love - Is the Love for your family, great friends, significant other, 'companion', Wingman, and all of the other people (even pets) that have helped you to become the great person that you are and want to be. They complete you & compliment you in every aspect of your life and you would do anything for them. This is the kind of Love that you can share with your other wives or husbands to make your Compound in southern Utah or wherever else you can find a nice plot of land to start one up. The main thing to remember is...it's illegal to MARRY more than one person. If you all have a cohesive unit of friendship, mutual respect, & Love than the Man can't hate on that Game, they can only hate the Playa. If you just leave marriage out (which causes a lot of legal mumbo jumbo anyway) then it's all good. That's what my Wingman tells me...and he's not a Lawyer...but he plays one on TV.

Anyway, those are my thoughts on the Mormon culture & what I've learned from them...besides how to make some bitchin' potato dishes. Feel free to share your thoughts with me on the subject. Have a groovy day!!!

Conspiracy of the Day - Earlier I mentioned that the Mormon culture is suspiciously nice. When I spent a month in China, every person that I met there was incredibly nice (except the guys with AK-47s in their hands playing crossing guard) which leads me to believe that - The Chinese are planning something...soon. Probably after the Olympics.........but no people can be THAT nice & not be plotting against you........except me, of course...because I'm pure & geniune. :) See? That's me smiling convincingly.