Part 3 - The French Perfection

Bon Jour y'all,

The stage is all set for next Thursday game between the Green Bay Packers and Dallas Cowboys...of which I have a ticket for...and both teams are at the top of the NFC with records of 10-1. First time since 1990 that teams with records like these have met up this late in the season. Last time it was the 49ers and the Giants. It's going to be a great game. Hopefully legendary. One of Brett Favre and Terrell Owens' last games (Predictions: TO gets clocked by a safety...and his career is over...FINALLY. Brett plays until his backup Aaron Rodgers is 32.) Can't wait...but I have a few days in Europe to blog about this morning before going to see the family.

Previously...on Rational Babboon's European Vacation, $teve (who refers himself in the third person sometimes like Bobby on "Shot at Love") was sleeping peacefully in his bunk bed on his way to the French Riviera. We now return you...to your program. (Law & Order chime)

Day 7 - Villefranche, France

After a shower in the test tube that passes for a shower on a cruise ship, the ladies & I went to have breakfast in the Windjammer Cafe. Fruit, corned beef hash, various styles of eggs (with shrimp occasionally), breakfast meats, passion fruit juice, bagel stations, and most importantly...an omelet station. See? You thought I was going to say pancakes...but even a cruise ship has its room for improvement. Oh yeah, it was mentioned on my exit survey. I believe the words "Ridiculous", "Questionable", and "Infectious" were used. During breakfast, We talked about the Art of Scarfing. No, not shoveling food into our mouths...but that's just a skill, not an art. Pat was going on about how much she likes European scarves because they're so much longer and she can do all kinds of things. My response: "Oh, I've heard that before. Allegedly, they hang low, can wobble to and fro, can be tied in a knot and/or bow, even thrown over your shoulder as if you were a continental soldier. Oh yes, they hang low." Another thing about traveling with elderly ladies, sometimes your quick witted reference to a popular children's song in silly conversations...isn't quite caught by the fading ears of experience. Oh well, hopefully it made your day. It sure made mine during an early morning. I crack myself up all the time.

After breakfast, we met up with our tour group and took a temper boat from the boat to the port of Villefranche in the south of France. Here are some shots from the temper of the seaside village. The large stone structure is a former sea fortress that is now a major bus station during tourist season. The bus drivers are incredible. They can fit those behemoths of modern automobility through former moats and passages intended for a horse. Yes, there were some recently exposed brick at some of the hairpin turns...but those were probably from the tourist drivers...certainly not our driver. Mad props.



Being Veteran's Day (which is also celebrated in France), there were a lot of morning parades and activities downtown, so we took the freeway to Cannes instead of the English Promenade (oceanfront drive along the bay) but we still found beautiful architecture...and some interesting architecture. For example, here's the new public library loathingly referred to by the locals as "The Blockhead."

This street was Rue de Renee.

It made me think of my sister-in-law.

Any Eagles fans out there?

Not football, music Eagles fans.

We arrived in Cannes after about an hour drive...and of course, I wanted to go to the convention center were the Cannes Film Festival is held...and see some of the handprints. Which international superstar actor has hands that can compare with those of the young up-and-comer $teve? Well, unfortunately Andre the Giant had never been invited to the festival...but I found a few to at least compare with...

Gregory Peck - To Immortalize a Mockingbird

Sophia Loren - Even in her seventies, she's still hot.

Michael Douglas - These hands have touched

Catherine Zeta-Jones...but they are no match.

The Great Charles Norris - Finally, a worthy opponent.

More than a knuckle on him...

Even the paw of the Pink Panther is no match.

This statue made me think of my mom.

Love ya mom!!!

We then had lunch at the Alba Restaurant (no relation to Jessica...and yes, I asked) and it was a delicous meal of salad, chicken, and sorbet. The discussion at the table turned political so I zoned out and people watched out the window as the older people ragged on my generation...and the younger one too. I know what you're thinking. "$teve, why didn't you stick up for yourself...if not your generation?" Because if you get into a discussion with anybody who was alive during World War 2 - War Harder, you're not going to change their opinion and you're going to lose. "Your generation hasn't had anything to test your muster. You weren't around for Dubya-Dubya Eye-Eye, son." "First off, you were FIVE...and a girl when Pearl Harbor was bombed. Secondly, sir, you're too young for Nam, so what wars did you participate in? The Star Wars? The Cola Wars? Thirdly, our latter-day Dubya is changing that as we speak...so give us some time...and those soldiers half a world away some respect. In the meantime...are you going to finish that sorbet?" Pictures of the harbor outside the window of the restaurant.

Can't think of a better name for a hotel here.

After lunch, we drove to the city of Grasse, home of several of the world's prominent perfumeries...and we visited the legendary Fragonard perfumerie, to see how perfume is made...and made expensively. If any of you are interested in the history, method, and key points of how a perfume is made...and want a bit of murder and/or Dustin Hoffman thrown in, check out that "Perfume: Story of a Murderer" movie that I blogged about a few months ago. It's actually really interesting...but since I really don't have a sense of smell, I picked the scents for the ladies back home based on the smells that it SAID it contains...and crossreferenced it with the impressions and knowledge of the ladies back home. So far, I chose wisely. Whew.

"Okay Charlie, I think I've got it. Bring me some jasmine,

some rose essence, some peach schapps, and sweat from

Adriana Lima's thighs. Hoo-hah!!!"

Next stop was the lovely hilltop mountain village of St. Paul-de-Vence. We approached there as the sun was about to set and walked down the main street (there was only two and the other was a back entrance and parking to the hotel and restaurants in this small town. Here are some beautiful pictures of the city...and the latter during "The Magic Hour" when everything is stunning.

A horse made out of Colts logos?

I don't get it...

Not the real "Thinker" but still cool...

Honestly, one of my favorite pics from the trip.

To me, the tree is like a brainstorming map.

Start with one thought and it branches out to others.

On the drive back to the boat, I sat next to a family of four from the Dallas area...and lucky me will be there next week, so I asked them about the cool stuff to see. Basically, it was the stuff that I already knew about...but they reaffirmed my suspicions. Big thanks to Ed & Julie, their son Matt, and 12-year daughter Kendall. You guys rock!!! Also, we drive back after the sun had set down the English Promenade and saw some of the beautiful hotels. As we went up the mountainside, looking down on the bay, it looked like a lovely diamond necklace sparkling along the coast. Beautiful.


Dinner on the ship included lobster bisque, escargots (oh yeah, I eat garlic snails), and filet of beef. Afterwads, I wanted to relax and watch some football (the exciting American version) and the Eagles were playing an early game...or so I thought...but when I got to the sports bar (only location were sports were allowed), they were watching football...but Beckham, not Brady. Oooh, Croatia and Portugal playing for qualification in next year's Euro 2008. Who cares? Outside of Croatia and Portugal obviously. "The center kicks it to the striker, back to the center, he holds. He holds. He HOLDS. He HOOOLDS. Back to the striker. HOOOOOOOLDS!!!" I went back to the room and watched paint dry...until I fell asleep.

Dreams - Day 7 involved the first episode of freaky dreams caused by unfulfilling motion in the ocean. Dream #1 was especially odd. I really only remember the few minutes before I woke up...but it involved my brother & I being at a farm and we were walking around. We walked into a barn or a stable or something. Inside we found animals like horses and cows and pigs and stuff...but they were stuffed, plush animals. There were also a few plush dolls walking around complete with button eyes and blonde & brown knotted dreadlocks (no redheads, believe me, I looked). If that wasn't creepy enough, they were walking along, kind of hopping, to the tune of "Lean Wit It" by Dem Franchize Boyz. Thinking this rather strange (and noticing some were walking towards us with sickles), Kiel & I hopped into a conveniently parked Cadillac and drove out of there...running through the dolls in a poof of stuffing and some rolling up on the hood. I was driving so my brother would reach over the windshield (droptop) and pull them off, rip them in half and toss them back. It's good to know that he's got my back...even in my dreams. "Look out!!! Horse!!!" POOF!!! "SHEEEEP!!!" Bump-bump-bump-bump... "Elephant!!!" I wake up face down in my pillow. Oh yeah, sometimes my dreams start in a Candyland fantasy...then switch to a muscle car chase movie. I think that I've mentioned this before...but now you know.

Dream #2 - Oh yeah, the night wasn't over. In the next one, I won the lottery. Wanna know the numbers? Okay, I'm willing to share the wealth if you are. The numbers were...5, 15, 25, 50, 55, and of course...69. Sure, that may seem like having a suitcase combination of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...but that's what it was. Go forth and spread the Wealth. Also, one of my good ladyfriends was there to congratulate me. "I guess you just know how to pick 'em." "I have my moments." Why do I mention this? It wasn't the first time that she was in my dreams...but the first time since I had met her about 18 months ago. Think on that one for a second.

Sorry to sell you short, but I think today is only going to be this one day...because I'm going to see my family...and loading these pictures and adjusting them take a long, long time on my laptop. Don't worry, I'll be back tomorrow...and I'm thinking about giving you all three days in Italy. Sorry, I didn't mention this yesterday...but I'm very thankful for...

- My Family & Friends - I love y'all madly...twice
- My Health - Speaking of which, it's about time to donate blood again
- Smiles - Always glad to make you smile
- My Blog and other Blogs - It's been a lot of fun...and it keeps me from being really, really bored
- Readers of my Blog - You guys & gals rock!!!

- Pancakes - 'Nuff said...
- Soldiers Overseas - Nothing but Love for ya, come back safe & soon
- Your Mom - For her smiles & home cookin', not the other stuff. I'm sure that she's thankful for it though.

- Statute of Limitations
- Being a Wiseass isn't a Crime - Yet...

Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving with your families. Peace out!!!

Part 2 - The Clone Whores (Coming 2014)

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

When I last left you, we had just seen many of the sights of Barcelona...but there's so much more to this trip...almost two full weeks to go actually. Anyway, I just finished up watching the Roman Polanski movie "The Ninth Gate" starring Johnny Depp and Frank Langella. It's a goodie. Check it out...and there's SATAN!!! Anyway, back to Europe...

Day 4 - Barcelona

Nearly every morning in Barcelona, I woke up, got some breakfast in the restaurant, and watched a little BBC to catch up on how bad the US dollar is doing, the political craziness in Pakistan, date rape drugs being found in toys, and other news...but I won't bore you with all that. Because of all the walking we did on Day 3, my grandma decided to just stay at the hotel today...so Pat & I went to see the city. First stop, back to Montjuic because it's a hill and we couldn't really move about there with grandma before...so that's when I took the pictures of the Olympic Venues posted yesterday.

Museu Nacional d'Art de Catalunya - Located just off Placa Espanaya, the National Museum of Catalonian Art bears a striking resemblance to the Museum of Art in Philadelphia (the Rocky Steps) and houses some of the great works of Catalonian sculpture and arts work, mostly Romanic, Gothic, and Baroque. A lot are walls from old cathedral that have been transported to the museum after their destruction...and some massive paintings by local artists (though not Gaudi or Picasso or anybody really famous). About half way through, I just about passed out...and I'm still not sure exactly why. It was kind of stuffy...maybe it was jetlag catching up with me a few days later...maybe it was a quick hit of the Bubonic Plague for all I know...but after I got me some cold water and a sandwich, I was good to go for the rest of the day. Anyway, no pictures were allowed inside the museum...but here are some of the exterior and the view of Barcelona from the entryway.




After the Museum, we walked around Montjuic and took the Metro across town to see the Arc de Triompf. No, not the one in Paris obviously (Paris smells like ass, by the way) but this one in Barcelona. It was pretty cool.

Here's a cool building off the Arc's park area.

Sorry for all the Spanish Palms

in the way...but it is Spain.

Near the Arc de Triompf was the Museu Picasso, displaying the works of Pablo Picasso, one of the most famous artists of all time (because I've heard of him, that's proof enough). Picasso spent a few of his early years in Barcelona...and unfortunately, pictures were not allowed in the museum, so I don't really have much of the interior to show you. Based on my observations though, he was quite the doodler. Many of the works were early sketches from his twenties and thirties. Some of them were rather risque doodles of people having coitus, a man defecating into a toilet, a curvy woman with a Chia pet between her thighs, and other stuff that caused Pat to say, "My gosh, that Picasso was a pervert." "Look Pat, these are basically doodles from when he was 21 years old. EVERYBODY draws doodles like these at that age. Hell, I'll doodle one for ya right now if you want. See this one here? This one of the guy going down to Ginatown for some Mooshu? My brother has been drawing stuff like this since he was in like 6th grade. I like it. It shows that he was an average young man once." Anyway, it was really interesting to me.

Nearby, we stumbled upon the Museu de Zoologia (Zoological Museum) and thought it'd be cool to check out (we were looking for the Museu Xocolata, but couldn't find it). It had a lot of taxodermic examples of animals from around the world...as well as a super lame exhibit on the Origins of the Universe. You know that for me to say that an exhibit was super lame...it means that it was really super duper lame...and this was fitting...but here are some of the cool stuffed animals that I took pictures of...

This looks like a wicked animal...

By the way, this was the only (bleep) I saw all vacation.

Yes, that is a stuffed Condor on the left.

Have any of you seen "Dude, where's my car?"

I'm sorry.

Anyway, we took the Metro back to Placa Espanaya to take the hotel shuttle back for free instead of spending about $20 on a taxi. Pat did her best to try to convince me that the bus would pick up somewhere else...but I knew better...and again, she's the kind of person that would rather open her mouth than her eyes & ears...or remember this morning when it dropped off at the exact spot I was standing...and the bus driver saying, "I will pick up RIGHT HERE at 6 o'clock" but my stubbornness saved her from getting lost (just barely because she started wondering off to the freeway before I ran over and stopped her from being a lost old lady.

When we got back to the hotel, we had dinner at the hotel (expensive but we wanted to have dinner with grandma). We ate Lobster Paella and a glass of Sangria. The ladies made a bit of commotion when paella came out and the lobster, clams, shrimp, etc. still had their heads, shells, exoskeleton, all intact. I explained to them that it shows that it's fresh...and that's their method of presentation...and just don't eat it if you don't want to put forth a little effort to behead or unshell it. It was delicious...and worth the effort, I assure you. Slept like a baby.

Day 5 - Barcelona and Rupit

It was kind of an early morning (so no breakfast) because we had a bit of a drive ahead of us for our tour...and daylight is sparce this time of year. We were to meet up with our guide downtown in an area known as Placa Reial, at a local travel agency. However, the address that they gave us...we went there and there was no signage, so we were a little concerned...but had no cell phone or anything to contact them. Anyway, after about 15 minutes of nervous waiting, Trevor met up with us. He honestly didn't seem to happy to see us again (it takes a lot of patience to both wait for my grandma to walk & answer Pat's sometimes silly questions...believe me...and I wasn't getting paid for it). We drove about almost two hours away through beautiful Catalonian countryside at sunrise to the secluded medieval mountain village of Rupit. The drive there was absolutely gorgeous but I haven't taken pictures from my video yet...so I really don't have any of the countryside to show you. It seemed like the perfect time of year though because the leaves were changing color and the mist was just beautiful off the hillsides. Sorry to rub it in but it was really nice. I'll try to get the pictures soon for you...but it'll be after my Dallas trip next weekend.

For breakfast, Trevor treated us to some local pastries and some juice (coffee for the ladies) then we took a stroll through the cobblestone streets of the city. Most of the 300-400 inhabitants of this city are farmers, mostly livestock, and work in the countryside that we drove through. We saw beautiful stonebuilt houses, herb gardens, flowered balconies, kind people greeting you, and...well, here are some pictures, sorry to tease you like that...

Shortly into the tour, it was obvious that grandma wasn't handling the cobblestones too well...and our journey would require a lot of climbing of both stairs and wooden paths, so she decided to sit it out at the restaurant that we'd have lunch later on. I distinctly remember pointing out to the ladies that this adventure would require climbing MONTHS ago when we decided to book it, but again, they're a little slow and stubborn. Pat didn't even bring her knee brace from the hotel either. Anyway, we walked up tiny side streets to reach the top of the city, then down into a path along the riverbed to a nearby waterfall. Allegedly, there was a much larger waterfall further down the path...but Pat's knee wasn't feeling good, so we called it short and walked back to the city for lunch. Why can't I go on vacation with people of my generation? It's frustrating sometimes...but it was still a beautiful hike. I didn't take most of these pictures. (Pat's camera battery ran out and I didn't want her to be left out...so I offered my camera while I took video. The video is much better. I'll share later on too.)

Can't you see Frodo & Sam having a tea party at this table...

and then having anal sex in the house?

What? They were totally gay in those movies.

Lunch included a wonderful collection of local appetizers and Trevor highly recommended the grilled chicken saying that it was the best that he had ever had...and it was pretty damn good. Pat insisted that I take a picture of her with her Irish Coffee. She's weird sometimes.

After the drive back (again gorgeous), Trevor dropped us off back on Las Ramblas, so we went back to Placa Reial (just off that street) and had a beverage in a beautiful local square. Heineken is a fine beer. Any objections to that statement? I didn't think so.

After our beverage, we wandered around an area called Barri Gotic ("Gothic Area?") filled with shopping and beautiful architecture. It was also a Friday night, so there was a lot of music and activity going on around us. After an hour or so of watching the ladies window shop, we decided to grab some dinner in a local square overlooking the below Casa de L'Ardiaca Cathedral.
It was a pretty good club sandwich...and another Heineken. We then took a taxi back to the hotel...and got packed...for the next day, we would board the Royal Caribbean cruiseship, the Voyager of the Seas.

Day 6 - Barcelona to the High Seas

Today was the day!!! The cruise was starting...but first, we had to board the vessel. The breakfast was the standard...with the ladies talking about water gymnastics and othersuch items that had nothing to do with me. No matter. While waiting in the lobby (because the ship didn't start boarding until a few hours after checkout) we met some lovely ladies from Los Angeles...whose luggage was lost by the airlines the day before, so that was a mild concern. It ended well. They got their luggage just before the ship left. A van took us down and I carried my grandma's stuff so she could concentrate on walking...very slowly. Eventually we were able to get to our quarters...and here are some fun pictures of those quarters.

Oh yeah, you can guess who was sleeping on the top bunk.

Please note the towel bat on the mirror and

washcloth swan on the right bed. Nice!!!

This is what they do when you leave your sunglasses in the

room when they clean. They put them on a towel monkey.

Here's me slouching in the shower...and hitting my head on

the ceiling. Just imagine what the showers were like when

I was washing my flowing locks of Brown.

This is a $teve's eye view of the mandatory evacuation drill.

My only other experience on a cruise ship was last year for my grandma's 70th birthday when me & twenty-two of my closest relatives were on a 3-day cruise to San Diego, Catalina Island, and Ensenada Mexico. It was a fun, alcohol-fueled time of debauchery and good old fashioned hootinanery. See, the thing is that they give you this Card...and it's a magical card. It's your key to your room, acts as your passport so you can leave and/or return to the ship, and is kind of like a credit card where you can charge ANYTHING on the ship to it...because they simply won't except cash (until it's tip time at the end of the cruise...but then you can charge it to the card if you want). Meals are included too...but not the reasonably priced drinks. Having said that, over the course of that 3-day (and 3 crazy night) adventure, I had run up a tab of about...four hundred dollars. Why? No, I didn't drink myself into a stupor...but I bought rounds...for twenty-one of my closest relatives...a few times...and I had my share too. This trip wasn't nearly as bad.

While everybody was boarding, we hung out in the crown of the ship at a bar called High Notes...and just gazed at the city as the sun slowly set...sipping on Mango Lava Flows...and enjoying a bird's eye view of a wedding procession. Here are some shots...

Montjuic from the boat. Castell de Montjuic on top.

Dinner was held that night and we met our table guests. There were Pat & Julianne who were elderly sisters from Mississippi & Virginia respectively. They had cruised a few times before and were sweet ladies...but they mostly talked to the ladies...because I guess they speak the same language or something. Our other guests (who only showed this first night) were Igor & Julia and their 13-year old daughter Rachel. They were from Needham, Massachusetts but Julia was from the Ukraine (I guessed it by her accent, I'm good sometimes). Rachel seemed like a very bright girl...and a little hyperactive...but very inquisitive and nice. She didn't handle herself well when Pat talked to her like a little girl though, they got in a little spat about how big (size in meters & comparative size to other ships) the ship was...so I knew it was my time to step in and calm things down a bit.

$teve: "You know, I was exchanging money earlier...and I saw that this boat...apparently has a Godmother. I didn't know that ships had Godmothers...but for this ship, the Godmother is none other than...the lovely and talented Katarina Witt."
Rachel: "REALLY? I love Katarina Witt. She's such a good skater. Hmm, if ships have a Godmother...I wonder if they have brothers & sisters..."
Julia: "Sure dey do. Dey have de other ships of de fleet."
Rachel: "Oh yeah. Wow, Katarina Witt. Cool."

Dr. Love strikes again with an excellent misdirection...and a little sleight of hand as I traded glasses of wine with Pat while she wasn't looking. As John Turturro would say, "You underestimate my sneakiness." By the way, did you know Katarina Witt was in Playboy? I did...and I still mentioned her to a 13-year old girl...because she's so much more than a hot German figure skater...she's an inspiration. Don't worry, I'm not showing those pictures...this time...


Dinner was great. Watermelon gazpacho, shrimp ravioli, and rum cake...with a few glasses of wine. Delicious. After dinner, Pat & I went to the Pig & Whistle, an pub on the ship...and sang Irish songs with the guidance of another Steve...and enjoyed a few beverages. Then the staff had a "Party around the World" parade. Here are a few shots.

This girl was really, really hot...like many employees

on the ship...but nothing happened...obviously.

After the parade, I slept on the top bunk...like a baby with the gentle rocking of the open sea...on our way to the French Riviera for Veteran's Day...but that will have to wait...until tomorrow...because I've got work to do. So until next time, have a wonderful Thanksgiving...and I'll catch you all tomorrow...on Black Friday for Part 3 of Rational Baboon's European Vacation. Gobble Gobble...