Laboring Day

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,


Happy Labor Day to us all!!! Especially those of us laboring on Labor Day...and again to those ladies out there that go through labor for the good of the human species. An interesting fact about Labor Day is that it was started in 1882, but despite what Wikipedia will tell you, it wasn't started by the Centraul Labor Union...but an ill-fated group called the Central Organization of Women, which was an early version of the National Organization of Women. The purpose of the holiday was to install a weekday where husbands could spend an evening with their wives & not have other holiday obligations (like Christmas or Thanksgiving), give them a more widely recognized time to switch from white shoes to dark shoes, and also as a tribute to the process of childbirth and child rearing. Ladies, this one's for you!!! Oh...and in case you were wondering where I got this information from...that is a very good question.


This morning, I was doing my bachelor grocery shopping as usual...and I noticed a new tasty beverage on display - Mountain Dew Game Fuel. As you may already be aware, I'm a fan of Moutain Dew and it's experimental flavors (except that sour grape Pitch Black stuff they had for a few weeks). This citrus berry concoction is pretty good too...but the whole tie-in with Halo 3 is a bit of a turn-off in a way. The extreme sports angle is okay because it encourages kids to go out & burn off the calories of Code Red or Live Wire...but this Game Fuel encourages them to sit & drink and play video games all day. I will simply not stand for it!!! I will sit down and play my Madden 2008 where I get to pretend to play football for hours at a time and enjoy a Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade.


Why do we watch baseball? - It has baffled me for a long time why people watch baseball on TV, at the stadium, on Sportscenter (usually to wait for the real highlights), or anywhere else in society as opposed to playing it. My friend Riot Poof answered me in quite possible the most prophetic way possible...for he too had contemplated this mystery. "People watch baseball because their father watched baseball. Their father watched baseball because his father watched baseball. His father watched baseball because we didn't have TV back then." Of course!!! It's all so clear now. That sums it all up. Further elaboration is not needed. However, I just wanted to still note that I don't like baseball because it promoted many violent gang-related themes.

• Players form an alliance with other players and wear similar clothing to show affiliation
• Wooden and aluminum bats are used...as well as small projectiles
• In urban areas, it promotes vandalism...by way of broken windows and usually a few clumsy kids running into and on top of vehicles
• Stealing home? Tell me that doesn't promote Breaking & Entering
• Terminology - What exactly is a Shortstop? Also, a bunt sounds to close to something that Snoop Dogg & Willie Nelson would share.

Anyway, again I'll be here until 1 AM working...on a day dedicated to give workers a day off...but it's okay...because I'm getting paid double for working it. It's still in the honor of Labor Day...because A) I have no wife (or anybody else) waiting for me at home to spend some time with them; B) I wear black shoes all day everyday because I lack fashion sense; and C) I always remember to thank the ladies for future generations. You girls rock!!! Such is the story of my life...and now, to talk about movies about other people's lives...

Biographical Movies

Medal Winners

Gold - Raging Bull (1980) - Martin Scorsese has yet to make a bad movie...that I've seen. With that being said, I haven't seen all of them. This biopic of former heavyweight boxer Jake LaMotta is a stirring epic into a complicated character played by Robert DeNiro in one of his best performances...if not THE best. Why does it get the Gold? Because the movie itself has no color...only shade...so I thought it would brighten it up a bit. Maybe I should have given it silver to keep with the color scheme...but it's too late now. It's on the internet...therefore it is fact. Another great biography by Scorsese that you should check out is "The Last Temptation of Christ" starring Harvey Kietel as Judas and Willem Dafoe as the creepiest Jesus EVER!!!

Silver - Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story (1993) - If I'm ever flipping through the channels and see this movie on TNT or HBO or the countless other networks that play it, I will watch it until the end (or I have to go somewhere). It's a great movie with an incredible performance by Jason Scott Lee in the role that he was BORN to play. It's chuck full of the teachings of Bruce Lee and plenty of action & one-liners to keep you entertained as well. It's what I like to call...a Perfect Movie. So why silver? Fine, just imagine that this & Raging Bull are switched. Happy now? "I'm no bastard. I'm Bruce Lee."

Bronze - Ray (2004) - As I've probably stated before, I cried when I saw this movie in theatres...and on a date. There was no follow-up date...but there's an old saying, "If you spend $30 on a bad date...and never see that person again, then it was probably worth it." The movie though was great. Jamie Foxx is himself a very talented pianist, great actor, and really gave an incredible performance as Ray Charles Robinson, who sadly passed away during shooting. Also, this movie gets a medal for having BOTH Warwick Davis & Curtis "Booger" Armstrong.

Suggestion - The Notorious Bettie Page (2005) - From Mary Herron, director of "American Psycho" comes the tale of one of the hottest hottie to ever heat up, Bettie Page. A fairly naive curvy Southern Belle moves to New York and falls into the world of fetish photography in the 1950's. It's like a soggy dream come true. Gretchen Mol gives a great (and sexy) performance as the voluptuous dominatrix with a heart of gold...and I recommend that every man & woman see this movie...several times. Still waiting for the good Marilyn Monroe biopic...but this will tide me over...for now...

Flush It - Alexander (2004) - Again, I really haven't seen a 'horrible' biopic but this one had high aspirations from me...and it disappointed. Directed by Oliver Stone ("The Doors", "Natural Born Killers", "Any Given Sunday", basically classic movies), starring Colin Farrell, Angelina Jolie, Christopher Plummer, AND Val Kilmer, epic battles of ancient civilizations, a dictator conquering the known world, it's was all set to be Oliver Stone's version of 300...but instead...it was Alexander, the movie that $teve bought in China for a buck...and felt ripped off. It was okay...but I...(sigh) never again.

Future Watch - Super Freak: The Rick James Story (2008?) - This may never happen for several reasons...but I'd support it. RIP Playa. God is Love. So is one of your biggest fans. I'm also anticipating a Hugh Hefner biographical movie...but hopefully the man will live to be a thousand years old. I heard that they just cast somebody to play Christopher Wallace in a Notorious B.I.G. movie as well, so I'll have to check that out. Other than that, I just hope that one day they could make an exciting, action-packed, XXX-rated biopic about ME. It's going to take a lot of work...but I'm off to a fairly lame start...so I'd better pick up the pace. Anybody interested in being a co-star? Ladies? I could make a stipulation that the actress that plays you would have to be one of Maxim's Hottest 100 or something...and we can leave out the nymphomania thing in the final script...or at least make it a deleted scene for the 2-disc collector's set...but we've got a while before we really need to worry about that. Anyway, have a great night everybody!!! See you at work tomorrow!!!

Happy Father's Day!!!

Good Afternoon Everybody, Happy Father's Day!!!


I'd also like to wish a merry welcome to all the single mothers out there too...because you deserve another day. Fathers never seem to get the respect that they deserve...usually because they're not there to talk to you when you're feeling down, kiss your boo-boo's better, or cook you a fine meal everyday. Why? Because they're out there busting their hump to earn money to provide for the food, band-aids, clothing, shelter, electricity, & everything else that our society requires. Even on the weekends, they're mowing the lawn, working on the car, fixing that leak in the sink, figuring out why the swamp cooler isn't working, cleaning the gutters, repaving the driveway, cutting the firewood, picking weeds from the garden, restaining the fence, painting the house, and so on to make sure that the house is in order. Even at night, probably the best part of his day is finding the man in the boat...and that can be an tiring search when you're still buzzed from paint fumes & heat exhaustion. Yes, I know that in today's society most households have at least two parents in the workforce...but this is the day for the fathers.


Think about the conversations that you have with your father...and this will differ a little bit between sons & daughters reading this blog...but I'll continue. Sons - you have all the 'Becoming a Man' talks with your dad...and if you have a cool dad that you've hung out with & see as a big brother, so you've seen "Basic Instinct" a few times & had conversations about how hot the Disney princesses are, then it's not nearly as awkward when it finally comes down to it. Also, if you need help with something non-emotional, you'll go to your dad...because they know how to fix things...just don't cry in front of him.


Daughters - from what I understand, it's more of the variety of you incidentally bumps into them on your way to a friend's house. "Where are you off to?" "Jackie's. I won't be out long." "What are you doing at Jackie's? Isn't she that girl that wears too much makeup?" "Daddy, we're going to be studying." "Please, you're not dressed like you're going to be studying. I remember going to 'study parties' when I was a kid. That's how we got your older brother. You're not going to study at Jackie's." "I hate you. You never let me hang out with my friends. We're just studying." "OH!!! I'd love to spend some time studying with my daughter. What subject is it? Math? History? English? If you say Anatomy, you're grounded." It's not that your father doesn't like you...he just doesn't want you to make a mistake or put yourself into a situation for mistakes to happen...like your older brother. Sure, he's a little strict sometimes...but you're his princess & he wants you to find a prince, not that cocky guy on the basketball team (cockblockin' son of a...). Besides, if you wanted emotionally delicate handling of a situation, you have mom for that. IF Dad uses soap, it's that stuff that gets axle grease out of concrete. Mom uses stuff that smells good. Who do you think is more sensitive?


What to get Dad - Now, traditionally ties, socks, & other useless articles of clothing are popular. Tools are much much better. Since my dad has all the tools that he could possibly want (because he's spoiled & knows how to use them), I usually like to get him action movies...preferably with attractive female co-stars. Why? My stepmom won't watch them with him...so he has a little solo relax time to see stuff blow up, hear a few one-liners, & maybe get some full frontal nudity. It's the family-appropriate version of buying the old man a lapdance, which if you live in a state where lapdances are lapdances and not cockteases, you should definitely get your dad one...but I'm in Utah, so it doesn't work out that way. If you're a daring individual, you could get an outfit for your mother to wear FOR your dad...but that's a shady area of morality...and you hopefully don't know your mom's dimensions...and it's just plain weird. I'm just trying to think outside the box. Look in your heart. You know what Daddy wants...and it ain't a tie.



Speaking of fathers, my brother set up a MySpace account & I told him that I'd 'advertise' for him on my blog. So if you like my blog, you may like his MySpace (Kielv). If you like 80's cartoon theme songs & funny stuff, he's got just about all of them (Thundercats to Captain Planet to Chip & Dale's Rescue Rangers). "Ch-ch-ch-Chip & Dale!!!" Sorry, it was a catchy one. Here's a picture of him with his daughter Kairi (brownie points if you know where he got the name from). After a custody decision, he now has a new 3 year old daughter Kelaudri, who I met for the first time over the weekend...and I think she has a crush on me. I'm telling ya, if the girl's under 18 or over 40, they love me...but in between those ages, it's like Shaq at the free throw line, sometimes I get lucky.


Also, I was forwarded a wonderful news story about a 73-year old Indian man (red dot, not feather) named Shivcharan Jatav. As the story goes, he was approached by an army recruiter in 1969 & told him that it would help his chances to get into the military if he passed his high school equivalency test. At the time, he was a 35-year old farmer who had no formal education, but he decided to give it a shot to serve his country...and apparently become a more eligible bachelor. See? In some cultures, brains ARE sexy. Anyway, he took the test...and unfortunately failed. So he took it the next year...and failed again. Did that stop him? No way. So last week, he took the exam for the 39th time...and failed every section EXCEPT SANDSKRIT!!! That's like a beet farmer speaking fluent Latin. What's the moral of the story? If at first you don't succeed, try try again...and maybe pick up an ancient language to impress the chicks along the way. Also, don't judge a person based on how they do on tests. Yeah, he may not know how to add & subtract...but the main can farm. How many of you know anything about horticulture? If I gave you a flat piece of land & a few backs of seeds, what could you make? We all have our skills. They're just different...and that's what makes them great. Anyway, check out the story for yourself...and never give up, never surrender.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070615/ap_on_re_as/odd_india_failed_exams;_ylt=AuU8c0cKuTioKfAKa6J4EE0DW7oF
Also, this guy may be playing us all for fools. He's mastered an ancient language but can't seem to master addition. Maybe he's playing an ill-educated man off to score the megahottie. Just look at what it did for this guy...

Mother's Day

Good Afternoon y'all,

Sure it may be my upbringing in the semi-rural areas of Utah, or the fact that I appreciate all that my parents have done for me in the rearing process, but I feel that Mother's Day is one of the most important holidays out there. In fact, were I the Lord Grace Chancellor or the World, I would move for the notion that everyday on the Gregorian Calendar be both Mother's & Father's Day with a dash of Christmahannakwanza. Some of you out there may be saying to yourself, "Wow, what a mama's boy!" and you would be absolutely right...but my daddy gets equal representation as well, just wait another month until his day comes around.

There are many skeptics out there that say Mother's Day is a collaborative effort between the various gift card companies out there commanded by General Hallmark & the Floral Industry...and you would be absolutely right...but the BS about showing your mother how much you appreciate them still rings true despite it's vale of Commercialism. Personally, my mother was there for me through better or worse, richer or poorer, & all that other stuff like marriage used to represent back before my father was an itch in grandpa's pants. When I was but a wee lad, we lived in a modestly stated, run-down fixer-upper in an older part of Ogden...and now we roll on dubs in the aptly named city of Eden. Moral of the story: Love, hard work, & knowing when to have fun is the key to moving up in the world. Who taught me all the tremendous values that I live by? This isn't rhetorical, I really want you to guess. That's right, my mama...and my dad had a few nuggets of wisdome in there too.

So, please...whether you truly care for your mother's well-being or not, because I understand that not all of them are as grand & wonderful as mine, please at least let them know that you appreciate them taking care of you...even if it's similar to how a 4-year old takes care of his new toy by throwing it against the way until it breaks & waiting for daddy to walk around barefoot & step on it. That is all I have to say on that. As for my personal life, I'm proud to say that I have a date tomorrow night...for the first time in a while...so wish me luck...or not...but at the very least, I request that you do not cock block...for that is very uncool. I wish you all success in your adventures as well. Until next time...peace.