Giving Blood - Part 5

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

First & foremost, as of this moment, I have heard nothing from Vegas...and it's starting to bug me...but I'll get over it. Not much has gone on today except that I donated blood again. This time was a little different...for several reasons. One, I actually got some good sleep last night. Two, it wasn't done first thing in the morning...but around 3 PM. Third, I didn't get dizzy at all afterwards...and that might be because of the first two reasons...or that I've been jogging since last time...or just plain luck, who knows? I also met a nice six-foot tall nurse named Carrie, we talked about basketball and people assuming that we play...yet we do, so it's okay. Then I met Whitney, who sucked me thoroughly & completely professionally...so I had to stir it up a bit. Apparently, I kind of looked like I was zoning out at one point, "Are you tired, $teve?" "What? Oh no, I just ugh...don't like needles and all, so I just try to think about other stuff. Anyway, how long have you been doing this stuff?" "About eight months. Well, that's nice of you to donate being scared of needles and all." "Oh, not scared. Just don't like 'em. Besides, those people effected by the earthquake in China need my blood...so that they can save pandas and make toys for my future children." "(Laugh) Wow, that's ugh...that's great." "Yeah, but on the real, I assume this is going to help somebody else...and everybody that I help will probably help somebody else and so on and so on...and I think Karma will come back around." "Oh, so you're a hippie? (Laugh)" "Hey, I prefer granola child, Whitney." So yeah, that went well...and I donated. Now for other thoughts...

NBA Conspiracy? - Is there anybody else out there that thinks maybe...the NBA wants the Lakers & Celtics in the Finals? Or that they're having the referees call the games a certain way to make that happen? Now, I had my inklings into this conspiracy last year...when LeBron (the future) could simply do no wrong (and shoot 20 free throws a game) up until the NBA Finals when the Spurs stopped him...but disregarded it because, why would the NBA want the San Antonio team (like 25th largest market in the league) to win the championship if that were the case? Now, after watching a lot of playoff games...and the inconsistencies in charges, intentional fouls, and just ticky-tack touches, I think that there may be something more to it. Especially since it's been 20 or so years since the last Lakers (largest market in league) vs. Celtics (4th largest), Bird vs, Magic matchup (before Bird hurt his back & Magic got HIV). Funny thing, I'm sure that at least half the NBA's players weren't even in elementary the last time that happened. Heck, do you realize that some players weren't even born when Jerry Sloan became the head coach of the Jazz?

Sorry, I'm getting off point. Anyway, it seems that Kobe can now do no wrong...and he's a great player, don't get it twisted...but now it's contagious to his team...and when I see Bruce Bowen getting called for fouls for looking at a guy intensely...and then Derek Fisher can jump on Brent Barry's head in the closing seconds of a close game...and nothing is called. Then the next day, the league says "Yeah, a foul obviously should've been called...but it wasn't...so suckiteasy" and it was conveniently the first game back for official Joel Crawford...who threw Tim Duncan out of a game for sitting on the bench (apparently Mr. Crawford's having an old man's nervous breakdown...but he has tenure) then one just has to question this stuff a little bit. I even went with the Chicago Bulls (I think 3rd largest market) having a one in sixty chance of winning the NBA Draft Lottery...and they get it...when there's a Chicago-raised top draft pick that might bring back thoughts of MJ (Derrick Rose) and Miami (7th largest market but they admittedly gave up about halfway through the season) gets the second pick so that they can get an inside scoring presence being compared to legends like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar & Bill Walton already at the age of 19 (Michael Beasley). Maybe I'm just a little bit of a conspiracy theorist...like a tall Mel Gibson. Well, it's raining outside so that means that the black helicopters are closing in...so I'll just get off my milk crate for a minute. Just thought that I'd share a few thoughts with you. Maybe see what you guys thought if any of you watched basketball.

I Love the 80's...Action Stars - Anybody who's read this blog over the past week may now that I really like Sylvester Stallone and the movies that he's been in (okay, so I haven't really seen the "Italian Stallion" stag film that he was in...but still, any movie star with one of those in his portfolio gets respect from me). However, it may amaze you to the amount of 80's action movies that I have seen over the years. My dad LOVED all of them...and I kind of took to them too. Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Charles Bronson (though technically 70's), even the lesser films of Dolph Lundgren & Steven Seagal have all graced the Love household...and my dad actually has a pretty good collection of them. Sure, the plots may be questionable...but that's why there are terrorists & bullies in the world...so that they can take over a small town in the Midwest, a naval ship, the world, the future, whatever the situation calls for...and then it comes time for a quiet man, who's conveniently trained in the art of death...but just wants a quiet life to become the hero and single-handedly drop hundreds of bad guys...and you know they're bad guys because they wear bandanas and don't shave...as well as carry guns yet aim poorly. So with that in mind...and Sly's impressive line of work over the last thirty years, here's today's Movie List...

Sylvester Stallone Movies - By the way, did you know his middle name is Gardenzio? Just found that out.

Medal Winners

Gold - Rocky (1976-2007) - Sly wrote & starred in this Best Picture award winner & the ultimate Underdog Story. He even directed a few of the sequels. The story of the Italian Stallion (the boxer, not the porn star) Rocky Balboa who, as Fate would have it, gets a chance to fight the Heavyweight Champion Apollo Creed (Carl Withers) despite only fighting in boondock matches and being muscle for the Philadelphia underworld. He meets up with Mick (Burgess Meredith), an aging trainer who takes a liking to Rocky and tries to convince him that he has a chance...all he has to do is train...and apparently start a diet where he eats raw eggs, eats lightning, and craps thunder. Will Rocky win the fight? You'll have to watch the movie to find out...but I'll give you a hint. There are FIVE sequels...including one made last year where a sixty-something Rocky fights Antonio Tarver. Classics. There's the original, the Rematch, the one with Mr. T, the one where he fights Communism, the one where he was too old, and the one where he was REALLY too old. Watch them all His birthday's coming up on July 6th. What a great day to watch boxing movies for about 12 hours.

Silver - Demolition Man (1993) - The Prophecy has already begun...with Schwarzenegger being named Governor...and possibly President one day (try to look surprised). However, this tale of an officer falsely convicted of killing innocent people is cryogenically frozen for about thirty years...and brought back in a pansy future to stop the fiercest criminal of his time, Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes). Teaming up with the unstoppable team of Sandra Bullock, Benjamin Bratt, Denis Leary, and Rob Schneider, he must save San Angeles from Phoenix and his goons (Bo Jackson, Jesse Ventura, etc.). The hilarity and action ensues. I can't wait for the day that every restaurant is a Taco Bell...but I still have some questions about the three seashells. Be well.

Bronze - Rambo Movies (1982-2008) - John Rambo (Stallone) is a mentally unstable Vietnam vet who gets messed with by small town cops (including that badass David Caruso) and then starts a one-man war with them in "First Blood." Then, three years later, he comes back for a top secret mission...and a higher body count in "Rambo: First Blood Part II." Then another three years later, his C.O. Colonel Trautman (Richard Crenna) is kidnapped in Afghanistan...so now he has to go in to get him. Then in the latest one...well, here's my review of it from a few days ago. Lots of guns, explosions, and badassery. I think Stallone works out too.

Suggestion - Nighthawks (1981) - Not the Edward Hopper painting...but rather an action flick. Wulgar (Rutger Hauer) is an international terrorist that has brought New York City to its knees. Who can stop him? How about the unstoppable team of Deke DaSilva (Stallone) and Matthew Fox (not Matthew Fox but Billie Dee Williams)? Through in the Bionic Woman (Lindsay Wagner) as eye candy...and Rutger Hauer just being creepy...and a few twists and turns...and Sly yelling "You're (bleeping) dead!!" a few dozen times...and you've got a great flick. "Tango & Cash" (1989) was a great action comedy with Kurt Russell and Jack Palance as a bad guy. Oh...and Teri Hatcher's in it too. Check it out. Let's see, this millennium, "Driven" (2001) was a pretty good Renny Harlin movie...about Sly as a race car driver. Gina Gershon and Estelle Warren were in it for eye candy. I also liked "Cliffhanger" (1993) because it has rockclimbing and "Assassins" (1995) because it was badass...and had assassins oddly enough. Check them out too...but I'm rambling.

Flush It - Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! (1992) - Too easy to make fun of this movie...based solely on the title. Basically, Sgt. Joe Bornowski (Stallone) is going through a tough time, so his mom (Estelle Getty) comes to meddle. Along the way, she helps him out...as only a Golden Girl could...very annoyingly. I was also a little disappointed with "The Specialist" (1994) but I'm not sure why...because I got what I was looking for (Sharon Stone naked) but there was also a lot of explosions too. Oh...and James Woods was the bad guy. Nothing too spectacular...but check it if you want to see a steamy scene with Sly & Stone. "Daylight" was pretty lame too...but still action packed.

Future Watch - Notorious (2009?) - Apparently, he was really into doing this feature about the murders of 2Pac & Biggie...but is losing interest in it...and it's in jeopardy. Probably because he's trying to bring Gabe Walker back in "Cliffhanger 2" (2010?). I really think that the real reason though...is that he's taking the next step in his life...and looking to be "Senator Sly" (2012) and he may have a shot at it in Pennsylvania. I mean...he has a statue there already. I'd hate to run against somebody that already has a statue...even if I was the encumbant. Anyway, we'll see. If he were to join forces with Chuck Norris...he would be UNSTOPPABLE!!!

Another new sponsor idea...was the great Stephen Colbert...because I figured that he would jump at the opportunity to sponsor a fellow $teve...and I talk about him almost as much as he does. Okay, so that's pretty much impossible...but still, great South Carolinian dude with an ego similar to mine...and maybe if he needs a guest on his show down the line...we can talk about how great we are. It'll be fun. Anyway, that's probably at least weeks down the line. Have a great day everybody!!!

Giving Blood - Part 4

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night after work, I went home and my Wingman came over for a few beverages and to watch some silly stuff...and mission accomplished. We watched the first season of the Cartoon Network cartoon "Frisky Dingo" which is a twisted little superhero tale that is just so bizarre...that you'll laugh your ass off. I had seen the first four episodes or so before borrowing the season from the Mad Scientist...but the other nine were just as great...and I can't wait for season two. I highly recommend this for anybody who likes wild, crazy, zany comedy. Here's a gauge as to whether you'll like it or not, the superhero's name is Awesome-X and he has his fighting friends, the X-Tacles...and his arch nemesis is named Killface. Enjoy.


I woke up this morning a little early...because I was doing a good deed and donating my O-Positive whole blood (no 2% here) to the American Red Cross. Then it happened, I walked out to my car...and some jackass took a blue paintspray bottle to the passenger side windows of my car. F**king vandals should be castrated by fire, in my personal opinion. Not only that, when it concerns a car, I think that they can pick the appendage that they want ran over afterwards. That's just how I feel. I don't suppose a Proposition 69 is going to be passed to all that stuff any time soon...but still. Now you know where I'm coming from with respect to Vandals (University of Idaho excluded...unless they f**k with my car).


I was somebody's first!!! I know, it's rare nowadays to be somebody's first when you've just met them...and you don't have a whole lot in common...but there's something there...and then a miracles happens...and she's sucking blood out of arm. Her name was Christy...and today was her first day in the field...and her reward was me. Don't worry, I was gentle. She also had a trainer right behind me to make sure that she did everything right (which is good because I still don't like needles much) and she did a great job. She seemed a little jealous when she found out that I had been to Spain, Italy, France, Mexico, and China in the last three years...so I didn't mention that I've been to another ten countries (questionairre you have to fill out before donating). This time took a little longer to drain (no breakfast, oops) but it was okay because we kept eachother entertained...and the nurses station was right in front of me...so the scenery was nice.


When they took out the needle and stuff, I felt a little lightheaded...so I let them know and they gave me the ice packs while I was still in the recliner. The trainer also dropped the seat suddenly to startle me and get the blood flowing. It worked a little bit. Then some of the hot nurses brought me over some Fig Newtons & water...and were asking me questions to keep me occupied. It really wasn't that necessary...because this happens every time...but still, I'm a sucker for attention. "What's Spain like?" "Beautiful, great culture, great architecture, sexy & intelligent women, I'm glad that I went there with my grandma. She loved it too." "Oooh, you took your grandma with you?" "Of course. It was her first time out of the country...and I had some experience in it, so I was her guide. She's a lot of fun." "Ooooh."


Then I asked about this torture device looking thing in the corner...and apparently it was like a blood recycling machine that they use to get platelets or plasma or something (I was lightheaded), where they take your blood out, take out platelets, and then put the blood back in your other arm. "Really? That sounds evil. I'll ugh...work myself up to that maybe but ugh...yeah, I still don't like needles." Christy told me about her days in training when she had to stick herself 5-6 times a day...and eventually she got over it. "I'm good with the once every few months...and hopefully somebody else can use my good health to their benefit." "We appreciate it. What kind of blood do you have?" "O-Positive, that's like the ultimate donor type, right?" "Well, O-Negative goes to just about everything but the only difference is that A, B, AB, or O can take it...but they have to be positive too." "Oh, you learn something new everyday." "Yeah, it's really good for babies in need." "Really? That's why I do it...for the babies in need. That's awesome." See? I knew there was a reason I donated when I could sell my blood. Karma coming back around, I guess. You can make a difference too. Please call your local American Red Cross. You're not feeding vampires. You're helping babies and people in dire emergencies...and all it costs is your time...and a little dizziness...but you can watch weird movies during that time of rest.


From the writer/director of "Donnie Darko" Richard Kelly comes his latest "Southland Tales" starring the Rock, Stiffler, and Buffy (Dwayne Johnson, Seann William Scott, & Sarah Michelle Gellar). Actually the cast also includes Justin Timberlake, Bai Ling ("The Crow"), John Larroquette ("Night Court"), Christopher Lambert ("Highlander"), Mandy Moore, Curtis Armstrong ("Revenge of the Nerds"), Kevin Smith (Silent Bob), Zelda Rubinstein ("Poltergeist"), Eli Roth, and kinda creepy performances from comedians like Jon Lovitz, Cheri Oteri, Amy Poehler, Will Sasso, and Janeane Garafalo. How have I never heard of this movie before seeing it on the new release shelves? Oh well, it happens...and I think it has something to do with the storyline full of things like WW3, alternative energy, Patriot Act expansion, government control, and the APOCOLYPSE!!! Set in the near future in LA, it's really kind of a complicated storyline...but I'd recommend it...especially if you liked Donnie Darko and the like. Full of twists, turns, intrigue, mystery, and random fun stuff...like my personal favorite while recovering from donating blood, what appears to be Justin Timberlake's new video for "I've Got Soul but I'm Not A Soldier" with bombshells on skeeball machines. If that doesn't intrigue you, I don't know what will. Man, I hope I'm a little less loopy for the symphony tonight. Here's a little bit of news...


French First Lady - French President Nicolas Sarkozy and his new wife former model Carla Bruni were married in February after a whirlwind relationship following the divorce from his second wife. His approval ratings have dropped dramatically coinciding with his "flashy" lifestyle and political views. However, another situation has come up that may have dire consequences. A portrait of the new first lady is about to be auctioned off by famous auctioneer Christie's in New York next month. It's a 13" x 10" gelatin silver black & white photograph taken in 1993, when Bruni was one of the world's top fashion models. Oh yeah…and she's nude. I know. Hot, right? Christie's expects to get between $3000 and $4000 for the picture…but I think they may be selling themselves a little short. I wouldn't be surprised if it broke the six-digit marker. This about it. How much would a picture of Jackie O in her twenties have fetched from the marketplace? Now, take into account inflation…and the dollar to Euro exchange rate (since it'll probably be bought by an opposing politician for smut use at a future election) and you could easily conceive somebody paying 40000 Euros (which'll probably be $100,000 by next month). Sarkozy and his new wife are due to pay a state visit to Britain this week during which they will be hosted by Queen Elizabeth at Windsor Castle. Oh snaps, I just thought of Princess Di having a steamy portrait from her youth. Hold on a second. (Mmmm…) Okay, I'm back. This situation could make for an interesting & awkward dinner conversation. "So…Mrs. President, I hear that you used to be a model some years ago." "Why yes, your Majesty. I was pretty famous in ze, how you say, fashion industry for quite zome time." "Hmm, interesting. Was that before or after your career in pornography?" "Excuse moi?" "Oh, I apologize. Is it called something different across the Chunnel when somebody takes nude photos of you? Because over here it's pretty cut and dry." There may be a glass of wine tossed by the time tea is served. Now that's something to see on YouTube, a Royal Food Fight.


Have a great night everybody!!! I think I'll watch me some "Battlestar Galactica" Season 3...and here's a little taste for ya. Mmm...the dangers of sexbots...

Giving Blood - Part 3

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen.

Last night was a fabulous 12-hour day at work...but at least I got my Chia Bart and he's soaking in water as we speak. I didn't know this...but they have to be submerged in water for 24 hours so the clay can soak up water, the element of life. Just in case you didn't know that. I didn't. Ch-ch-ch-chia!!!! After that day, I went straight to bed. It was been cold...really, really cold this morning. After only 6 hours of sleep (because I'm an idiot with no concept of time), I went to the Red Cross to donate a pint of my blood. Remember Cami from my last time at the Red Cross? The redheaded vampire? Yeah, she walked me through the paperwork again this time. She's about four months along now. The nurse that actually drew my blood though, her name was Toni...and she was a sweetheart (not really like Bettie Page...but read on). She was making little jokes and stuff the whole time...and you know how I play with that. Best part - When she was prepping my arm, my arm was out and she bent down to get something, breast totally in my hand, and my primal instinct is to squeeze it a little bit...every 3-4 seconds (it's what you're supposed to do when giving blood...not just when a breast is in your hand) but I didn't. That could have been awkward...but it certainly got my out of my morning coma. By the way, not a fistful or anything...but still nice...and it was cold in there.

"Sorry about that, $teve."
"Ugh...no biggie, I mean...no problem. Anytime."
"No biggie, huh? Well, you do have big hands." She smiles at me.
"That's not what I...best part of my day. Can we just draw my blood already? My comfort level is plummeting here."
"(Giggle) Ah, I'm the best part of your day? That's cute. Well, it is still early. You've probably got a hot date tonight or something." By the way, not hitting on me. She mentioned her daughter earlier.
"(Laughs out loud, mumble to myself) Yeah, maybe next year..."
"What was that?"
"Daredevil has no fear."
"(Giggle) Wow. Not what I was expecting."
"That's how I roll...and I'm not even a pint low yet."
"Well, if you feel lightheaded, just let me know."
"Lightheaded? Are you taking my blood or giving me a Blonde Tranfusion?"
She was a brunette, "Hahaha, that's hilarious. That's honestly the first time I've ever heard that."
"Yeah, me too. I surprise myself sometimes."

Speaking of blondes, I know that it's a horrible stereotype and needs to be stopped, no matter how funny it may be, but did any of you catch former American Idol r'tard Kellie Pickler on "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?" It just goes to show that looks can get you far in life. I'm pretty convinced that I could Pickler if ever met her...simply by a little trickeration.

"You know, Kellie. It has been proven that the semen of extremely tall men can increase mental capacity and give your skin a healthy glow."
"For reals? Seriously? That's amazing. If only there were a tall guy 'round here."
"Kellie, my face is up here. You're looking at my shirt. Look up, sweetie."
"OH...MY GOD, YOU ARE TALL!!! Do ya think y'can help me out?"
"Well, I'm a little drained from Jessica Simpson and Miss South Carolina earlier today...but I think we can work something out..."

Anyway, the vein was tapped, blood was drawn, we kept BS'ing about whatever...and the other nurses were getting in on it. After words, I went to relax and enjoy some Welch's white grape peach juice (smurfin' delicious) to wash down my Fig Newtons (also smurfin' delicious). As usual, I did get a little lightheaded...but after about 30 minutes I was good to go...so I went home and watched movies while drinking plenty of fluids. Here's a rundown of some of them.

Wonder Twin Powers ACTIVATE!!! - The other night, I watched "Secretary" starring Maggie Gyllenhall and James Spader. This came highly recommended by the Mad Scientist because he overheard me say something along the lines of "That Maggie Jelly Balls is one attractive woman. I wonder if she and her brother Jake are going to be the Wonder Twins in that Justice League movie that's probably never going to happen." "Well, $teve. Have you ever seen "Secretary"? I think you would like it because...well, it's a little..." "I get to see Maggie's Gyllenhalls?" "Exactly." "Hmm, I may have to give this a gander."

Allow me to sum up the plot of "Secretary" if you don't mind. A young woman (Gyllenhall) was just released from an institution because she cut herself...you know, the razor blades on her thighs and stuff...just for the rush. To get back into the swing of society, she tries to get a job...as a secretary...for a slightly eccentric isolated lawyer (Spader). He's a little strict with her and she starts to hate her job...but the lawyer has kind of a voyer thing where he quietly peeks around corners and stuff...and checks out the backside when she's bent over to pick up something, you know...stuff that would normally get you a Sexual Harassment suit in an office environment. Then, he notices that she's cutting herself occasionally at work...so he brings her in, tells her that she's never going to do that again, takes a Polaroid of her smiling, and like that...she's falling in love with him. Then, there was a spanking scene about paper typos which...was quite hot...and probably got my hopes up for the rest of the movie. It takes a slightly different turn though...and I'm not going to spoil it for you, except for this...yes, you do get to see the goods...and they're okay...but most importantly, it's artistically done (therefore not as hot as you would expect...and no funky soundtrack). I say give it a gander...it's kooky...and I like kooky.

Also recommended...and also starring Maggie briefly was "Donnie Darko" starring her brother Jake in the lead role. The only other movies I had seen him in were "Day After Tomorrow" and "Zodiac" but I was told this was the movie to see him in...and it didn't disappoint. Donnie Darko is a kid with some psychological issues...but to be perfect honest, he seemed like an average teenager to me...just a little aggressive is all. For example, in the therapist's session he's asked, "Tell me about your life." "I think about f**king...all the time." "How about school? Do you like school?" "I think about f**king all the time at school." "Okay, how about your family? Tell me about them." "Gross, I don't think about f**king my family." Which I can't understand with Maggie as a sister...but whatever. Anyway, it takes place during the month of October 1988 and Donnie has an episode where he is told by Frank, a 6-foot tall creepy bunny that the world is coming to an end in 28 days, 6 hours, 4 minutes, and 12 seconds. He then awakes on a golf course, then finds out that a jet engine went through the roof of his house and smashed into his bedroom. Creepy, right? I'm not going to tell you any more. I want you to go check this movie out tonight and watch it over the weekend. It's kind of a dark comedy meets a psychological thriller with a dash of suspense thrown in. Also, it really helps to have donate a pint of your blood then watch the movie...just make sure that you stay warm and drink plenty of fluids...and whatever you do, don't listen to Frank. Don't like my summary, here's a comic strip.

Bubbles recommended that I watch this comedy called "Kickin' It Old Skool" starring Jamie Kennedy and Miguel Nunez. I knew it was a parody of "You Got Served" and I had no intention of watching it when it came out...but if Bubbles recommended it then it has to be good...and it was. Kennedy plays a breakdancing kid who puts himself into a coma trying to win a talent show at his school. Twenty years later, he wakes out of the coma...but is basically still 12 years old at heart...but Jamie Kennedy in body. There are dozens of great, zany characters, 80's references, a David Hasselhoff cameo, another one by Emmanuel Lewis, yet another by Vivica Fox, and plenty of funky fresh moves to keep you entertained...or laughing your ass of. Thanks for the heads up, Bubbles. Any child of the 80's should check this movie out, at least once.

That pretty much brings us to now...where I've decided to call in sick from work...since I work all weekend. Tonight, I might hang out with some friends...but I'll get the word when they get off work. Also, my brother & I plan on going to see "Alien vs. Predator: Requiem" when it comes out on Christmas Day. Anybody who may be interested in seeing it (and doesn't want to feel like the only sci-fi nerd going on Christmas Day) let me know and we can go as a group of nerds, a gaggle of nerds, or as I prefer...a Pride of Nerds. Then we can celebrate Jesus' birthday by watching a gruesome sci-fi monster movie where even the preview is rated R...then turn water into wine (or whiskey) after the sun goes down (at 4 PM). That's really about it. Nothing else to say at this point...but remember the passing of Ike Turner two days ago. Well, the internet has provided me with a hilarious headline that I want to share with you...



Also, I finally put up my Christmas decorations to start up the spirit...and I hope that it puts the spirit in you too. Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Giving Life - Part 2

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night at work, just before my shift was over, a sweet naive girl (yes, Box girl from the past few blogs) told me that she had been on the phone for the last half-hour with this guy...and after a few minutes, he started to talk about his girlfriend...and her bowel movements...and continued in other such discussions of scat...for about twenty minutes. She told me this and my response was something to the tone of...

$teve: "Ah, so you got one of these late night pervert calls? Nice."

Box Girl: "Really? Do you think that he was a pervert? That's a little creepy."

$teve: (Wow!!! Did you really just ask me that?) "Ugh...yeah. A stranger calls up on a toll-free number and continues to discuss his crap consistency and that of his girlfriend? I would say that guy has a fecal fetish of some sort."

Box Girl: "Oh man. How can you tell?"

$teve: (You still don't get it? Hmm...) "Well, for example, the two of you were talking about stuff that you normally wouldn't bring up with your friends, right?"

Box Girl: "Oh, my friends & I talk about that stuff."

$teve: (Nice. A hot girl who isn't afraid to talk about peanut logs.) "Actually...that's a bad example because my friends & I talk about that stuff too...but okay, how about in front of your family?"

Box Girl: "Nyeh, not too often...but if we ever needed to, we could."

$teve: (Family sounds open-minded...and I can talk about poo with them) "Yeah, my family too. Jeepers. (That's right, I said jeepers like a Scooby Doo cartoon) Well, obviously the coworker example isn't going to work since...well, here we are. I guess you're just an incredibly open individual...but if the situation comes up again and you feel uncomfortable, just say something like 'Sir, I would rather not discuss my fecal matter with you at this time & would appreciate getting back to work.' That usually works...and if not, hang up."

Box Girl: (Laughing) "Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. Oh man, do you think he was getting his jollies or something? Gross."

$teve: "Well...just look at it as...you made a weird man very happy with your conversation...and don't look any further into it. That sounds safe."

Box Girl: (Laughing) "Aaah, gross. Oh well, that's a good spin on it, I guess."

$teve: "Besides, you made my evening too. I can't tell you how often I've been getting ready for work & thought 'Man, I hope I get to talk about pooh with a lovely female coworker. I hope today is that day' and it was."

Box Girl: "Well, my ride's waiting, so I'd better get going. Thanks $teve."

$teve: "It's my pleasure. Anytime." As she walks away, I check out her backside...and catch her glancing back at me smiling. This probably would have been a good opportunity to throw out the digits or something...but I'm a patient man...and a coward, so we'll see how it goes. I could take this situation several ways:

• This is how girls start casual conversations at work nowadays...by talking about poo, which is cool
• This is how a nervous girl in a new job start a conversation with a very attractive male coworker, which would be super cool
• She is really young & naive and I should drop this now before it's too late, which would suck...because she really cute & funny
• Somebody else is calling toll-free numbers late at night to talk dirty with young girls (or at least girls that sound young)
• We learned a lot about eachother...especially considering it could have just been a negative conversation about how creepy perverts are...but instead we found out a little about our family, friends, and something we both find funny, poop
• Most importantly, she's not scared to talk to me about anything...and vice versa, so this could be the start of something groovy ("Something tells me I'm into something good..." just came into my head. Does that ever happen to you?)
• I could just be overreacting. That happens a lot. I think too much about...well everything. Anyway, more to come as it develops. Back to you, Hope...

This morning, I awoke to the pleasant sound of an alarm clock (you know, that annoying yet effective AAAH AAAH AAAH AAAH kind) after a great six hour rest. After a little breakfast (granola bar), I went to the American Red Cross donation center to give life...and by that, I mean blood. I arrived a little early (as I do for just about everything) so they checked me in, asked me the donor questions, had me fill out the forms, and all of that mess.


By the way, I was reading through some of the questions...and some just kind of depressed me for a few moments. It's like a little reflection on the fun that you've had the past year. There's about a dozen questions of "In the past 12 months, have you had sex with anybody who has (horrible disease)?" and you're thankful that you haven't, thus avoiding disease...but then you think "Man, I need to get out more. I should at least be thinking about this for a few seconds, but there's only been one...and that was a great month but..." or there's the travel questions about being outside of the country...then you start thinking "I wish. That'd be sweet." and you zone out for a second thinking about a week in Brazil in that village where all the Victoria's Secret supermodels come from. "Sir, are you finished with the question?" "What? Oh...yeah, almost. Sorry. I was just...thinking about...math?" "Oh...okay." Whew.


After I finally focused & completed the questions, they came & told me, "Great. Now if you'll just walk over there, Cammi is waiting for you." "Which one is Cammi?" "She's the redhead over there." First thought, Angie Everhart in "Bordello of Blood." Second thought, these people are professionals. They need to get my blood pumping good, so what do they do? Have me lie down next to a cute redhead with green eyes in a nurse outfit. If they would have had "Get Low" playing in the background, there would have been a cover charge. Anyway, she was very gentle...and sucked me thoroughly...and I was a little light-headed afterwards. She even gave me a cookie & white grape peach juice afterwards. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better result...and not been slapped for it. Now, that my double entendre rant is done, allow me to mention that Cammi was twelve weeks pregnant and completely professional. After helping save three lives (in my optimism), I went home for an hour or so before heading back to work for the day.


While there, I got an email from my aunt & uncle saying that they're going to be hanging at the Barbary Coast, where I partied on Lucky Day 7/7/07 after my Wingman's wedding. I may go hang out with them...but I'm sure there was something in the information I read this morning about giving blood & drinking alcohol afterwards...and it was against it. We'll see. I'm glad that I'm one of those cats that don't have to drink to have a good time...and I haven't seen them in about three months, so we'll see. If anybody wants to party later, that's where it's at...and remember, I was the hottest guy there last time, so you're chances are pretty good at getting with a biker chick...if that's your thing. You know, I just realized that it's been a few days since I did one of my movie lists. How about this?


Vampire Movies


Medal Winners


Gold - Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992) - This star-studded movie is just awesome. Gary Oldman is a mythological monster of unending evil...but loves Winona Ryder...and who could blame him (then). Sir Anthony Hopkins is Van Helsing (not Wolverine). Keanu gives his usual adequate performance of a pivotal character. Luckily, he didn't try an English accent. Oh wait, he did? Oh, well then it sucked. Speaking of which, since when is being sucked dry by a trio of hot vampires a bad thing. Don't ruin it for the rest of us. Also, what ever happened to Lucy (Sadie Frost)? In all seriousness though, it's a great movie by Francis Ford Coppola...and some may call it the Godfather of Vampire movies...but that's just stupid. Also, check out "Dracula: Dead & Loving It" (1995) if you'd like to see a Mel Brooks parody of it.


Silver - From Dusk Till Dawn (1995) - Robert Rodriguez & Quentin Tarantino turn George Clooney into a badass...and launch his movie career with a horror flick. Awesome. The Gecko Brothers are on the run after breaking out of prison and have kidnapped a family & their RV to take them across the Mexican border. It works...and to celebrate they stop at a trucker establishment called "The Titty Twister" and wait for their contact in Mexico...but something's wrong. If you haven't seen this movie yet, I pity you a little bit...but as far as horror movies go, this is a fun one with dialogue by Quentin Tarantino and shooting (film, that is) by Robert Rodriguez with stars like Clooney, Harvey Kietel, Juliette Lewis, Cheech Marin, Danny Trejo, Salma Hayek, Fred Williamson, and other recognizable faces. "Where are we going?" "Mexico." "What's in Mexico?" "Mexicans." Love it.


Bronze - Blade: Trinity (2004) - I actually liked the Blade trilogy...but the third installment was my favorite because...well, somewhere between Ryan Reynolds' smart ass remarks & Jessica Biel's taut rear end, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Oh yeah, Wesley Snipes is a badass too...but he was third fiddle in my book. That Prison Break guy (Dominic Purcell) did a good job as Drake or whatever he was supposed to be too. Honestly, I was thinking about putting a Kate Beckinsale movie this spot ("Underworld" or "Van Helsing") but I couldn't decide...so I'll just keep her in my pocket for another time.


Suggestion - John Carpenter's Vampires (1998) - Okay, I know what you're thinking. James Woods? As a vampire hunter? Really? Yeah, it's a little better than you would think. It's from John Carpenter, the guy who brought you "Halloween", "The Fog", "Escape from New York/LA", "The Thing", "Starman", "They Live", and other classics. Would you expect anything less than a great horror flick? This is a pretty action packed one if I remember correctly (it's been a few years). I say give it a shot...because James Woods is from Rhode Island if anything else.


Flush It - Bloodrayne (2005) - Okay, aside from Kristanna Loken ("Terminator 3" sexbot) and watching her thirty second nude/sex scene, this movie was extremely lame...even for a video game remake. Director Uwe Boll must be a sweet talkin' SOB because he convinced Michael Madsen, Udo Kier, Billy Zane, Meatloaf, Michelle Rodriguez, and SIR BEN KINGSLEY into doing this movie. My guess? "Iz good movie...and you can watch Kristanna Loken sex scene, ja? Das ist gut. Sign here." Anyway, it's pretty bad...and that's a bold statement coming from me.


Future Watch - Castlevania (2009) - I actually just found out about this one...but apparently "Stomp the Yard" director Sylvain White (odd) is going to direct and Paul W.S. Anderson (Milla's baby daddy) is going to write. Other than that, and probably including that, it's all rumored. It very well may not happen but I found out on IMDB when I was checking to see if the video game was going to be adapted...and yay, it is...theoretically. Can't wait to see how the Belmonts take on the forces of evil. It's like Indiana Jones...with vampires. Anyway, we shall see.


That's more than enough for today. I'm going to continue drinking plenty of fluids and no heavy lifting (I wonder if the bathroom counts) for the next few days...and if you're interested in donating blood (which would make you super cool too), contact your local American Red Cross chapter. Have a groovy weekend!!!

Giving Blood

Good afternoon ladies & gentlemen,


Forgive me if my typed rant is a little more...disjointed & flighty than usual. For you see, I have just returned from donating a pint of blood to the American Red Cross...and I suggest all of you to do the same. This is actually my first time donating to the blood bank. On three previous attempts, I wasn't allowed to donate because I had been outside of the United States within the last twelve months (Europe, Jamaica, & China). This last year, I spent about two hours in Ensanada, Mexico on a cruise about nine months ago but all I had there was a hangover & we toured a winery. I think I'm safe. Please allow me to go share my donating experience with you...and hopefully ease your fears about this noble cause.


It started when I arrived at work around 11 AM for my 11:30 AM donation appointment (See? Punctual.) and read over the requirements in a blue binder. Then a kind medical individual escourted me to a computer. (By the way, I say medical individual because she may have been a nurse or medical assistant or whatever but I feared not read the 3 point font on her name tag because then I'd be staring at her chest...and I'm told that is rude)


The computer had a questionairre with similar requirements to the information that I read in the binder. Apparently the requirements are basically that you live a healthy lifestyle (abstinence & no drug use), don't use a lot of medications, stay within the United States for the last year, & have never heard of Afrika or identified it on a map. I kind of lied on the last one too, but it was for a good cause. After completing that, I was escourted to a waiting area & then asked to sit in a reclining lounge chair by a gentleman in a white coat who had several tattoos, facial piercings, and a nice rat tail goatee.


Ryan was very kind & made a few jokes to lighten up the mood. "Hey Darren, am I supposed to tell them that it's my first day out of training?", "It's this end that goes in the arm, right?", the usual ice breakers that you like to hear from a medical professional. Luckily, I have an iron constitution & simply laughed away the anxiety of having an eighth of my body's life force sucked out of my body. That didn't sound very calm, did it? Trust me, I was a lot calmer than when I was having my laser eye surgery & the words "Don't take your eye off the red light" repeated in my head as...well, the procedure was done. I'll spare you the details.


People told me that there'd be a little pain when the needle was stuck in...and frankly, I was disappointed. There was the slightest of pricks & then just a little numbness in my hand after a few minutes of draining. Ryan kept up small talk to make sure that I was okay, but as I would do in the situation, he spent more time talking to the ladies & making them comfortable, talking about his past, & mentioning his EX-wife several times. Play on playa!!! My time was six minutes & eighteen seconds...and I had no idea that it was a race. He then went on to explain that it was an average time & it's really just for our own amusement. I still like to think that I won.


After I was patched up, I went to have a package of Famous Amos' bite-sized chocolate chip cookies & an orange juice. After sitting up for a few minutes, I started getting a little dizzy (tall guy losing blood in his head) so when my vision started getting a little funky, I laid down on the ground voluntarily before it went the other way. Shortly after, I was doing fine so I went to watch a little "Judge Alex" in the break room before working.


I was curious as to what my blood type was & if they found anything 'interesting' that I might want to be aware of. They informed me that my results will be mailed to me in a few weeks. Start placing your bets now for what my blood type is. My money's on Red. Anyway, that was my adventure for the day...not very exciting...but at least I'm trying to help people...and if I can help just one person a day & make another smile, that's a good day my friends.


News of the Day - This is actually a little something for my mother, who's an avid reader of my blog...and loves manatees. In the Florida Keys yesterday, an injured manatee named Pumpkin & her calf were released back into the wild after over a year of rehabilitation at the Miami Seaquarium (wonderful wildlife center & home of Ace Ventura's "Snowflake"). So here are a few pictures of the release...and manatees in general. Enjoy!!!





Celebrity Birthdays


Vin Diesel (Mark Vincent) turns 40 - The hope for a young American action star turns 40. Bruce Willis, Arnold, Sylvester Stallone, Jean Claude Van Damme, Jackie Chan, all the action heroes from back in the day are retiring. Even the 'new breed' like Jason Statham is 35. Jet Li's retired from martial arts movies in his 40's. About the only young action stars around are in Bollywood like Tony Jaa. Happy birthday Vin!!! Can't wait for that Riddick sequel...

Paul Verhoeven turns 69 - Director of violent movie gold like "Starship Troopers", "Robocop", & "Total Recall"

Red Skelton - Comedic genius. Period.

Nelson Mandela turns 89- The legendary activist against apartheid spent 27 years in prison for his beliefs & has won hundred of deserved humanitarian award & the 1993 Noble Peace prize. I think Danny Glover summed it up best: "FREE SOUTH AFRICA, you dumb son of a bitch!!!"

John Glenn turns 86 - Ohio senator, Congressional Medal of Honor winner, Presbyterian elder, Marine Corps fighter pilot, Eagle scout, Kentucky Colonel (wikipedia), master Mason, oh yeah...and he was an astronaut too. Armstrong & Aldrin may get all the glory, but John Glenn is truly an American treasure. Happy birthday Sir!!!