The Eclectic Eccentric

The Next Generation

2008-07-23T13:40:00.003-06:00

Good Afternoon again Ladies & Gentlemen,

Here's the link to the next generation of my blog experience, Dr. Mookie Love, jr (Alternate name was $pawn of the $teve...just so you're aware). The official URL is http://drmookielovejr.blogspot.com/ so feel free to copy & paste as needed because you guys rock and I hope that I can entertain you for years to come and share my wonderful world with you. I just can't do it here because of more than ample memory limitations...and I have a LOT of pictures to share of my journeys. I hope that while I'm setting up the new blog, you'll enjoy some of my past entries. If not, please be patient. I am theoretically on vacation right now...but not much else to do here in Great Falls honestly. Maybe I'll hit a bar up tonight and see how the local college girls enjoy their weekend nights. Anyway, have a great day & I'll see ya later.

Your favorite non-profit gigolo,

Dr. Mookie Love

a.k.a. $teve

a.k.a. $tever Beaver

a.k.a. Cookie

a.k.a. Pooh Bear

a.k.a. Sloppy Papi

a.k.a. The Eclectic Eccentric

Part 4 - Yellowstone & Montana

2008-07-23T11:50:00.015-06:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

We now continue on our mystical journey. Today, we get to check out Yellowstone, one of my favorite places. I apologize for the cloud cover on most of these pictures...and so does the Big Guy who put them there. Enjoy...

Day 7 - Cody to Great Falls

We started a little earlier than usual (around 6:30 AM) and left the Beartooth Inn in Cody towards Yellowstone National Park. Now, this time, we basically did a drive through to get to Montana along the Eastern side of the park...but because I love you guys, I'm going to add some pictures from two years ago when I went along the Western & Northern sides with my mom, stepdad, brother, and his fiance...now wife. No need to thank me, just pay it forward as usual. Now, one thought that I had about Yellowstone (being one of my favorite places on Earth) is about all the geysers, hot pots, mud volcanoes, and whatever else you want to call them...and they're basically the Earth letting off some internal steam...like sweating...only in Yellowstone, it's a lot more than just sweating...and the smell takes some getting used to I'm told, which is why I affectionately call Yellowstone "Mother Earth's A-Hole" but think about it. If Earth's A-hole is one of the most beautiful sights in all of the world...then we should definitely do all we can to see the rest of her, right? Anyway, just my thought...and I apparently think too much sometimes. Enjoy the pictures...

Lots of waterfalls of various sizes in the Park

Yellowstone Lake

Think about the end credits of "Little House on the Prairie"

I like these purple flowers...whatever they're called

"The Buffalo are nearby."

"That's amazing! You can tell that just by sniffing their droppings?"

"No, I can see one right there."

We've had a few close calls with Buffalo

"Now, don't be alarmed...but he's coming towards you guys.

It's okay, stay perfectly still. They rarely eat humans."

Buffalo Joe - We have video with the van door open...

but he gets up really quickly and I don't want to post

footage of my entire family crapping their pants simultaneously

Colter's Hell!!!

Mud Volcano

My favorite, the Dragon's Lair

A lot of buffalo on the range

A bear that we saw two years ago

When we got to Mammoth Hot Springs, the does had taken over

"Use the crosswalk. Remember what happened to Bambi?"

Mammoth Hot Springs

Apparently twenty years ago, there was more action...

Get your mind out of the gutter...

Sapphire Spring

Inspiration Point at the Grand Canyon of Yellowstone

The Falls at the Grand Canyon

Now, for the big show...

"Everybody gather round!!! He's about to BLOW!!!"

I was a little disappointed by the size of the eruption...

but maybe it was a long day for the Old Guy...

maybe they should add some Viagra with his Metamucil

The Northern Gate of Yellowstone

After making it out of Yellowstone, we drove about an hour north to the city of Livingston, Montana. We stopped at a nice little diner there called Clark's Family Restaurant...but after waiting for twenty minutes and no waitress, we decided to just head to Arby's and be on our way. The drive through Montana was quite scenic. There was Bozeman, Butte (which ironically enough...has a HUGE hole in the middle of it, a copper mine), the capitol of Helena, and eventually to our stop for the next few days, Great Falls. Here are some accompanying pictures...

If you don't know why I took a picture of this sign,

then you may not get half the jokes on this blog.

P.S. Hi Lilie, it says "Boulder"

The State Capitol of Montana in Helena

Magic Diamond Laundromat Casino

Now, think about that for a second. MAGIC!!! DIAMONDS!!!

CASINO!!! LAUNDROMAT!!! "One of these things does not belong..."

Along the drive, my mom & I kept ourselves entertained by talking about this and that. By the way, we pulled into Great Falls with just over 2000 miles on this trip so far, which by my calculations means somewhere in the range of 40-50 hours in the car at various speeds over the last week...so we talked a LOT. One of the more memorable things from this portion was we say a semi going uphill carrying a large cylinder...but from our angle, it looked like a giant O...so we got to talking about Oprah...but not about all the stuff that she owns...but how unlucky she is because she can't trust anybody & will probably never know the joys of having a family because of it. People like her & Bill Gates probably have a hell of a time finding friends that they can trust...because they would always suspect they're only around them because they are bazillionairres. Oprah doesn't have any kids...just her dogs. You never hear about Bill even having a girlfriend or anything...probably because he's trying to develop that sexbot prototype or something. Anyway, the point is...money really won't make you happy. I know you're rolling your eyes at me right now...and that's okay, I forgive you. Trust is the key thing. You have to be willing to trust to be trustworthy...and that means running the risk of being taken advantage of (remember my little spiel a few days ago?). Trust is like a flower or something. It takes a lifetime to build...but only one quick act to destroy. Once you've been burned, it makes it that much harder to grow back too. Anyway, I hope that all of you out there have at least a few people that you can trust...and please, don't take advantage of them. That's today's public service announcement.

We arrived in Great Falls, got some Wendy's, checked into our hotel, and basically kicked back and watched TV. It was already kind of late...and we'd been in the car for something like eleven hours. Didn't want to take it anywhere else that night. We watched "What Lies Beneath" with Harrison Ford & Michelle Pfeiffer. I hadn't seen it in a few years...and my mom had never seen it. It's pretty good. I really like the slow, dramatic suspense, especially during the last half-hour or the movie. It's more psychological than anything else...and big ups to director Robert Zemeckis, who did "Back to the Future" and others. Yeah, slept pretty good that night.

It is at this point...that I have to stop yapping about my journey...because my blog's memory is full...and I need to format a new one over the next couple of days to tell you about all the sights of Great Falls & continue my incessant ramblings. It's probably a good thing because I found out last night that my brother & sister-in-law are going through some serious drama right now...and I don't want to bring you guys down too. Seriously though, see what happens to them when I leave town for a WEEK? How are those kids gonna survive when I move to Vegas (whenever the Hell that'll be)? So I'll check in with you ladies & gentlemen in a few days, wish me & my family luck with their drama, and I'll update you as soon as I can with what I can...mostly about my trip and other positive stuff because that's what I'm all about. It's been great hollerin' at ya for the past year or so on this blog...and I hope that you all join me over on my new one. I'll have a link to it soon. Promise. In the meantime, feel free to check out some of my past entries. I think they're pretty good...but I'm kind of partial. Have a great time everybody!!! See ya soon!!!

Part 3 - Wild Wyoming

2008-07-22T14:41:00.020-06:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, it's almost to that point...where I've put simply too many photos from my trips (and of my adorable nieces & nephew) onto this blog so I'm in the mid-90's percentage wise on my blog's capacity...so it's almost time to announce a winner of the Ultimate Challenge for my new blog and lord and/or ladyship in the Land of $tevonia. I may be able to finish up my trip on this blog...but we shall see what the webgods decide. By the way, still awaiting word from Vegas on the big job/move...but I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, back to my latest trip...

Day 6 - Gillette to Cody

So I had a rough night sleeping because of being a fairly light sleeper and thunderstorms and Gladiator dreams...but after a shower, I was fresh and ready for the day. We drove across the state of Wyoming and through the Big Horn Mountain Range of the Rockies. We stopped and got a little breakfast at Taco John's, which has been around since 1969. Funny little tidbit from my mom - My aunt worked at the FIRST Taco John's back in 1970. You probably don't care...but that's just an example of some of the little tidbits that I learned during this trip that were kind of cool...at least to me...almost forty years later. Anyway, here are some pictures of our drive...

Our first real stop for the day was the city of Thermopolis. I know, it sounds like a made-up city where Lava Man would have come from or something...but it's home of the world's largest mineral hot spring...as these pictures will back up...

Shall we go on the bridge swaying in the wind?

A pot that has been capped over by time & calcite deposits

My mom likes to headbutt things

I just like to ride 'em. Show 'em who's boss.

Also in Thermopolis, there was the Wyoming Dinosaur Center...where they excavate & set up full skeletons of some of the coolest dinosaurs ever. Now, as a child, I was a HUGE Dinosaur geek. Like really huge. Like...I still remembered all the names of the dinosaurs walking through the center...without having thought about them since the late 80's...kind of a dinosaur geek. Like...I still have dinosaur sheets at my mom's house for when I have kids...kind of a dinosaur geek. So this was really cool to me. Here are some pictures...

Archeopteryx Fossil

A feathered flying reptile

Imagine if pigeons & magpies looked like this...

Coelocanth - Thought to be extinct...until found in 1938

Dimitrodon - "Sailed Lizard"

This one looks like Sara from "Land Before Time"

One of my favorites as a kid, Anklyosaurus

Like a turtle / pitbull with a dense ball on his tail

Stegosaurus

Triceratops & a Tyrannosaurus Rex are nothing...

Compared to this Supersaurus - Over 106 feet long

Just look at those balls!!!

Wait, I'm being told that is actually it's pelvis. My bad.

Maybe they are evolved from birds...

Don't judge me. They wouldn't let me ride the others.

The drive through Wyoming from Gillette to Thermopolis to Cody was also quite picturesque...and as you may notice...with a lot of the driving pictures, there are smudges on some of them...and those are to honor the great insects that sacrified themselves upon my rental car's windshield...just to have their moment of fame on my web-based journal. So enjoy...

I know it's not supposed to be funny...but it still is

Same thing with "Package Liquor" but it still makes me giggle

The city of Tensleeps was kind of cool

Named because it was a ten days' ride from anywhere

In Cody, we checked into our hotel, the Beartooth Inn, which was actually a nice place...and had the Wyoming Vietnam War Memorial in its driveway. After checking in, we went and got some comfort food at Bubba's Bar-B-Q in town...and went through a drive-thru liquor store to pick up some beverages for the night...as we called it kind of early...so I typed this up while sipping. I apologize for any spelling errors due to this process...but I'm sure you barely notice that kind of thing (unless you're JL Clyde). I also didn't sleep well this night. I'm not entirely sure why...but I just didn't. It's not that the bed was uncomfortable or anything...but I basically tossed and turned and woke up with a few pulled muscles in my neck & lower back. Strange.

Day 7 - Cody

I woke up tired...but after a hot shower could move around easily and fresh as a daisy (for the moment). Since it was a bit of a late, slow rise, we missed our complimentary breakfast (they had waffles) and went to Taco John's again. Good eats. Then we walked the main tourist street of Cody called Sheridan Avenue. There a lot of souvenior shops, restaurants, and painted bear sculptures. Here are some of the better ones we found...

A Cowboy (Buffalo Bill Cody?) and a Young'un

This bear was just creepy to me

Pooh Bear and his Hunny

Silver Dollar Bar

After that, we decided to hit up the Buffalo Bill Museum & Historical Center, which is five separate museums in one. There's a Natural History Museum, a museum about the life of Buffalo Bill Cody, the Plains Indians, Indian Art, Contemporary Art of the West, a Sculpture Garden, a Firearms Museum, and even an incredibly overpriced restaurant. It was actually a great museum with a lot of interesting things. Basically, "Buffalo Bill" Cody was a very accomplished man who fought during the Civil War and was one of the first people to help with Indian Affairs after America constantly broke their agreements with the Plains Indians and basically all the tribes of the time. He often acted as a mediator in their affairs and represented both sides. Later on, his legendary traveling show of the Wild West made him an international celebrity and one of the early movie stars. Comic books were made about him and his mythical adventures (usually just using his name & authors filling in their own adventures). Here are some pictures from his museum, then the others...

Cody's Hefner Robe & Horny Lounge Chair

An example of comic strips starring Buffalo Bill

I like the chesty cowgirls...

BEARS!!!

My money's on the one with skin

I was called a Yellow-Bellied Marmot once...

I had no idea they were so cute.

"For God's sake, put a shirt on..."

The Buffalo Jump

I may have found a way to combat fuel prices

during my move to Vegas...

Sooooo many rifles at the Firearms Museum

Some of their handiwork...these are Caribou

A Native American (I forget the tribe) hut

I really liked this painting

Looking at your past...and wondering what happened

Painting of the Buffalo Jump

On the way to Gillette, there was a GORGEOUS hitchhiker

that kind of looked like this...but we didn't pick her up

Mostly because my mom was driving, we were heading downhill,

and for a hitchhiker to be that hot...she had to be a serial killer.

"He is here. $teve Comes with a Thunder has come...with a thunder."

About the time I got through the Plains Indians museum, I started to feel really sad. Maybe it was exhaustion. Maybe it was that JL Clyde had told me that she was sad earlier in the day. Maybe it was the Ottawa in me crying out for all the horrible things done to the Native Americans over the years. Suddenly though, I felt like crying a little bit...but didn't want to...because I really was having a great time. Why was I sad then? Was I being hormonal or something? Maybe. I sat down a few times (because my mom takes about four times longer to view a museum than I do apparently) and during that time, I thought about times in my life, what my future holds, and that my attitude towards life was a lot like the people that I was reading about...and hearing about their struggle. I have simple needs, love nature, love my family, want to find a squaw and raise my own family, and avoid conflict whenever possible...but will attack if my trust is broken or you threaten my family. Love, Friendship, Family, Thankfulness, these things rule my life. When I'm involved in something that I'm passionate about, I tend to talk with my hands a LOT. I've noticed that I do that less and less...and it bothers me. The things that I enjoy doing the most, I tend to do less and less.

Sometimes I also wonder, am I being taken advantage of by some people? Am I too easy-going? Should I stand up for stuff more...even if I really don't care what the outcome is or have all the information? I don't want to be like my marginal ancestors where they let it be, let it be, let it be, and give more and more and more, then when they realize that they're being taken advantage of or betrayed...are simply too weak to resist or too late to do anything about it. Do I bend too much like a tree in the wind...and eventually I'll break? Am I not being true to myself? Should I be doing more for others? Am I thinking too much about material possessions...and not enough about those around me? Okay, probably not that last one...because I'm always there for my peeps...but you know, I wasn't in a good mood at the time. Anyway, I got over it when I took a little nap / quiet time back at the hotel.

Then I watched the best movie that I've seen in a long, long time...and it's "The Dark Knight", the latest Batman movie...and it's everything that you want in a Batman movie...but dark, edgy, gritty, and realistic. I had to take a leak for that last...I'd say hour or so of this movie...and I kept telling myself that I'd scurry out of there the instant that it started to slow down or drag a bit for plot. I ended up holding it until the end of the movie (don't worry, everything still works great). Christian Bale was excellent as Batman again. Heath Ledger was creepy...and funny...and just a hoot as that crazy sum'bich Joker. Aaron Eckhart was convincing...and menacing...and everything you could hope for as Harvey Dent/Two-Face. Gary Oldman was Gary Oldman as always. Incredible. Even Maggie Jelly Belly was okay...and there were special appearances by the likes of William Fichtner, Michael Jai White, and Tiny Lister...and magic tricks. However, it's was very dark...and I wouldn't highly recommend it for little kids...but whatever, it's Batman...and a lot of the violence is implied (or cut completely waiting for the special director's cut). Great flick. Best movie of the year...probably last few years. Check it out if you aren't one of the MILLIONS to check it out already this weekend.

After the show, we headed over to the Silver Dollar Bar on Sheridan Avenue for some appetizers, microbrew beverages, and people watching...mostly guys in a mid-life crisis with their motorcycles...basically looking ridiculous and trying to be badass. Now, I can't say much...because as you may know, my father is one of these guys...but yeah, Harleys are cool. I like them a lot. However, Harley riders in large numbers...not quite as cool...unless there's a wet T-shirt contest involved...and with young contestants...not the usual ladies that you see on the back of a Harley at these kind of functions...which tend to happen all around the past few states that we've been in over this week. Anyway, there was a band there too...so we had a good time, then I hit the hot tub to relieve those sore muscles...and went to bed. It was going to be an early morning for the next portion of our trip.

So again, I'll leave you for the day...and hopefully you enjoy my pictures...and are considering seeing some of these sights for yourself. Now, just a little heads up...but the next entry has Yellowstone...and it's well worth it. I'll try to get that to you as soon as possible...and we'll see how the memory on this blog holds out. I think I'm at 95% right now...and we still have a week to go on this trip (but the last few days have yet to happen & are stuck here in Great Falls). Have a great night everybody!!!

Part 2 - Black Hills, South Dakota

2008-07-22T08:47:00.023-06:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

When we last left $teve & his mother, they were fighting off bed bugs & biker zombies at the Town House Motel in lovely Lusk, Wyoming.

Day 4 - Lusk to Custer

Lusk just sounded like a dirty, sexy, smelly kind of town...and the perfect city for a motel...like a mix of Lust & Musk into an entirely new kind of memorable experience...but I was with my mother instead of a beautiful young cowgirl...so nothing of that sort...just sleeping, waking, & getting out of town to see the sacred Black Hills of South Dakota. The town of Lusk was pretty nice...and I didn't get any bed bug bites...and only had to fight off one biker zombie, but he was drunk, so no match for my machete. After a beautiful few hours drive, we arrived at our first stop in the area, the Mammoth Site. This is a location where an sinkhole was made about 50,000 years ago...and a number of Mammoths fell into this sinkhole because it was a mineral spring with slate sides...so they would slip in...and die of exhaustion or drowning. Of the 56 mammoths that they found, every last one of them was male. Why? Allegedly, they were the non-alpha males that were thrown out of the herd and had to fend for themselves...so they found an easy meal, then fell in. I think they were pushed in by the females in a prehistoric form of "breaking up" but that's just my theory. Here are some pictures...

One of my favorite proverbs...

Here's a chart about the sinkhole...

Did you know that there were American Lions?

How about Giant Short-Faced Bears?

Is it just me...or does this Sabre-Tooth Tiger

Look like Patrick Stewart?

Not a bad hut...and uses all-natural materials

Utah - We've got fresh Mammoth Dung

Afterwards, we drove through the city of Hot Springs and had a wonderful Mexican meal for lunch. I had Blanket Tacos, which were basically double-decker tacos from Taco Bells...but handmade & delicious.

Our next stop was to the city of Custer and the National Museum of Woodcarving. Don't give me that look. It sounded mildly interesting...and my mom really wanted to go...and who was I to tell her no? It was actually kind of cool (and cheap) so here are the pictures from that...

"Where Wood Comes Alive"

Most of these things moved...but pictures don't really show it

Shotgun Wedding

Not sure what this is...but it was titled "Wife"

This was my favorite one...and I'm not sure why

The highlight of the day...was definitely our next stop, the Crazy Horse Memorial. My mom had never heard of this...but I had seen it on the Travel Channel or something...and it was even better than that I thought. Basically, in 1948, Mount Rushmore had been erected...and the Native Americans wanted a monument for them in the Black Hills. So they talked to a famous sculptor named Korczak Ziolkowski and told him that they wanted to turn one of their sacred Black Hills into the largest man-made monument in the world...in the form of the legendary warrior chief Crazy Horse. Over the next 60 years, he & his family have slowly but surely widdled away at this mountain (some 80 million tons of rock so far, mostly in the last twenty years after Korczak passed away but his legacy lives on) and it's really starting to take form. It's amazing to me that this guy & his family have such a burning Passion for this monument. It's truly their life's work...and he & his wife in particular for the first thirty years or so, he was going up & down the ladder, blasting up the mountain by himself, while she was home watching their ten children...out in the middle of nowhere (though it's a beautiful area) and that's just amazing. So much Love & Passion for what they do...it makes me wonder if I'm going to have a legacy (besides my ideas helping Pandas to reproduce). The story is truly legendary...and I haven't even started talking about Crazy Horse...so if you're interested, check out this link...but basically, he was a warrior who never signed a treaty with the white man but didn't attack them until they broke their promises on his predecessors' treaties. Then he kicked some ass...and was stabbed in the back by an American soldier under a flag of peace.

A scale model and the memorial in progress in the back

Crazy Horse...and Crazy Woman

Crazy Horse, Crazy Woman, & $teve

Korzcak Kiolkowski - The Sculptor

Ambitious plans for the monument

Yes, that is an airport & a university

This guy lived to be 125 years old

What was his secret? Froggy style, four times a day

In Sioux tradition, a man would stake himself to the ground

and defend himself for days from attacking animals until the tribe

said "Okay, you're a man now!"

Billy Mills - Olympic Native American Champion

1964 Tokyo Games

"Fighting Stallions" not Wyld Stallyns

The exhibits in the museum are an incredible collection of Native American artifacts, artwork, historical pictures & documents, and basically makes me proud to be 1/8th Ottawa (finally realized that if my great-grandmother was Ottawa, it makes me 1/8th not 1/16th. I suck at fractions). There's also other great sculptures from Korczak, a 1/34th scale model of the final vision, restaurants, tour buses up to the base of the mountain, and a laser light show in the evening (pictures didn't turn out well...but it's almost as good as Laser Zeppelin...but on a grander scale). I highly encourage EVERYBODY to go check this out...and donate to the cause. They refuse to take government funding...because they don't want anything from them to make it a government entity. Sure, it'd help them build it quicker...but they believe the idea will grow without government assistance...and I believe them too. I hope that within my lifetime, they'll be able to finish it up. It'll truly be a majestic sight for centuries to come. In fact, if you're ever in the Black Hills, forget Mount Rushmore, go check out Crazy Horse. All four Presidents' heads...will fit inside Crazy Horse's head. It's that big...and that amazing...and it's even cheaper (because it's not paying for government) and the proceeds go directly to future construction. With donations, you can also take a piece of the beautiful sparkly stone home with you and own a piece of history. Let me know if there's any other way that I can convince you to go check this monument out. It's amazing. Check out the website.

I wondered what my name would be if I were raised in the culture of the Native American. My dad has taught me some traditions and has a lot of stuff around his house...but to my knowledge, I was never given a native name. So I asked my mom about my birth...and she told me that it was a stormy day with lots of wind & thunder which started about the time that she went into labor. Based on that evidence alone, I believe that my name would have been...$teve Comes with a Thunder!!! Tell me that isn't sexy. The best part about the name...is that it's true.

After that, we drove to the Bavarian Inn and got a room. It was pretty nice & reasonably priced. There was also a German restaurant where we had some Jager Schnitzel, Beef Rouladen, and Spatzel. It was delicious. Here are some pictures...

Then we went to the light show at Crazy Horse and it was awesome...and free with the purchase earlier. For twenty bucks, it's the best deal in the Black Hills. I can't stress that enough. It's worth the drive or flight out there. I'm glad that Minot got cancelled...because I would have missed out on it. See? Things happen for a reason. When we got back, I got a call from Bubbles...and she was feeling better now with the medication for her sinus infection (and I like to think that my sexy, soothing voice helped out a bit) and was feeling much better. Great day!!! Great trip so far!!! Slept very well.

Day 5 - Custer to Gillette

We had a wonderful continental breakfast at the Bavarian Inn Restaurant, then did a driveby of Mount Rushmore...because they were charging $20 for parking & another $20 for entrance...so we just drove by slowly and used my 3x zoom on the camera. Then we drove to our first stop for the day, the Cosmos Mystery Area, which I had been to when I came here fifteen years ago...and my mom was there...but she swore that she had never been there before (Alzheimer's?). Anyway, we went...and it's a goofy place where through mystical magnetization or just poor craftsmanship, things are not as they seem...and the floors inside the building are really really steep. Anyway, you be the judge...and decide for yourselves. Here are some pictures...

The Cosmos Mystery Area

The next stop was to Lead (like the element) where there was the President's Sculpture Park...where sculptor David Adickes made twenty-foot busts of all 43 Presidents. So to check it out...and keep myself entertained, I sent a text to Bubbles & JL Clyde saying "Pick a President. Any President." I would get their response...and then send them a picture of me picking that President's nose...which was quite a stretch. Those things were huge. Here are the pictures to prove it...

Instead of Jeff Goldblum, here Lincoln watches you poop

I really found John Adams quite creepy over the urinals...

George Washington...and his wooden nose

Thomas Jefferson - He liked the Brown Sugar too

Andrew Jackson - Best Dressed

Abraham Lincoln - The Penny Guy

By the way, did you notice that Lincoln's getting head?

A field of Presidential Glory

Teddy "Bear" Roosevelt

I think this is Taft...but I just liked his moustache & tie

Tehehe, I'm picking Dubya's nose

Let it be known that I like to play with Bush

"My Fellow Americans, it has hit the fan!!!"

First President to give a speech wearing shades

"Hey hey hey, can y'all keep it down? I had friends in

town last night and...well, it got a little out of hand."

Next stop was the city of Deadwood, made legendary by the outlaw nature of its early days during the Gold Rush, the death place of Wild Bill Hickok & Calamity Jane, and the recent HBO series of the same name. We walked around the town, had some lunch at Mustang Sally's (burgers & spicy chicken popcorn balls), and then moved on...but there was plenty of opportunity for gambling...and a lot of bikers & Corvettes for separate gatherings in nearby towns.

Saloon #10 - Where "Wild Bill" Hickok was shot

Then we drove by Sturgis...but didn't stop because we had seen it before...and it's not much unless it's backed with Harley riders...so we drove on to our next stop, the Devils Tower in Northern Wyoming, about an hour away. Legend has it, that this mountain was formed when a little girl was turned into a giant bear and chased her brothers & sisters around, after destroying their village. The Great Spirit told the children to run around a rock in the middle of a field four times, then the rock lifted high into the air...and the bear tried to climb the sides...but could not get to the children. Eventually, the bear's claws ripped away and...well, I forget how the story ends...but I'm sure everybody was okay...except the other villagers. Looking at the rock, you can see how that's believable...but scientifically speaking, it's vertically striped because of erosion. Enjoy the pictures...

Is that a shark on the mountains?

"This is important...this means something."

Illustration of the Legend of Devils Tower

Prairie Dog Exhibit

For the night, we decided to pull up in the city of Gillette, Wyoming but the rooms were really expensive because of a biker's group in town...but we found a Motel 6 that wasn't ridiculous and stayed the night there...were as mentioned in my first entry on this trip, I spent a lot of time writing about the first few days...and actually the majority of this one too...because I think fast & I type fast. Go see the Crazy Horse Monument!!! You owe it to yourself. It's truly awe inspiring. It's like Korczak Ziolkowski said, "Never Forget Your Dreams!!!"

Speaking of which, here's Dream #2 for this trip. Well, in reality, it was a stormy, thunderous night (because $teve Comes with a Thunder) and I was laying by the window, so that may have had something to do with it. I was in the middle of a race...which involved me running through this seemingly small Victorian house...with very poor lighting save for a few little spotlights moving about...and I notice that there are rings involved...and a few treadmills...then it hits me...I'm running through a kind of mini-Eliminator, like from American Gladiators with about five other people. Others are fallen (or being thrown, shhh...) and long story short, I win the race. Then there's a choice for me to make...either go up against the male American Gladiators...or the female Gladiatoresses...and so you KNOW that I pick the ladies. So the floor drops to a ramp and I slide downstairs into a basement or something...and then the announcer is calling out some of the Gladiators (actually a mix of guys & gals) and the first one is a girl from my first year of college named Heather, who was really hot, fit, and we had a Physics Lab together that she always wanted to be in my group (cuz brains are sexy?). She starts doing her tough-girl routine and getting in my face then looks surprised, "$teve? Hey, nice to see ya" but then the other gladiators come in.

Next is "Raul" who has the tennis ball blaster mounted on his shoulder, gives out a yell, and starts firing at me, so I slap the balls away (cuz it's my dream) and snagging a few out of the air...and throwing them back at him. After a while, he throws down the blaster and returns fire by hand. Then the next one's called in named "Olga" and she's doing backflips & cartwheels and stuff...but then slips or something...and CRACK, lands on the ground oddly. I run over to make sure she's okay (as does everybody else). "Are you okay, Olga?" "Ow." "Okay, stay still, the stretcher's on its way." Medics show up and cart her off...and Heather's sad, so I give her a shoulder to cry on. "Oh my God, she's paralyzed." "Now, it's okay. They're looking at her...and she was talking. That's a good sign." "She wasn't moving though." "That's because we asked her not to. Another good sign. She was thinking clearly. It's gonna be okay." Then Raul comes over and says that the show's cancelled for a few hours. "Wanna get a coffee or something?" $teve wakes up because somebody started up their Harley by the window. Damn first floor rooms.

Anyway, that'll do it for tonight. Tomorrow, we go to other cities in Wyoming...which is actually surprisingly beautiful in the northern part. We've already driven over 1200 miles now...and have many more to go. Have a great day everybody...and I'll update you on the trip as soon as I can.

Part 1 - Denver Adventure

2008-07-20T19:19:00.018-06:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Hello everybody, just shacked up here in Gillette, Wyoming during a Biker Rally with nowhere to go when I typed this up, but then loading the pictures was a pain. So now I'm in Great Falls and I thought I'd catch you up on the first few days of the trip...so up until about a week ago. By the way, Happy Birthday to Bubbles today!!! Hope you enjoy. How do I start? Well, the night before starting this vacation, I was driving home from work when I got a text message from JL Clyde, who was hanging with her friend Esther. They asked if I had any plans, I didn't & offered them to come hang out for a while. "Do you have Klondike bars?" "As a matter of fact, I do. Peanut butter cup Klondike bars." A little odd of a request...but they came over and we played Rock Band. Yes, that's two RB parties on consecutive nights. After a few hours, the girls wanted to watch "a scary movie...but nothing gory or violent." Quite the request...especially for a scary movie made in the last, I don't know, 50 years...and we had already watched the black & white ones a few months back. Then I remembered a movie that wasn't violent...but pretty damn scary...and starred Coach. That's right, I'm talking about "Poltergeist" with Craig T. Nelson. By the way, is there a Craig A. Nelson who's famous that I don't know about...or is the T for Trustworthy or something, like Jack T. Colton? Anyway, it's a great flick, really scary (especially for being PG) if you get into it, and be the time it was over...the clock said 2:30 AM...and I had to be up around 7 AM to start my two-week journey...but it was worth it.

Day 1 - Slick City to Cheyenne to Denver

I woke up around 7:10 AM on my own. As I was thinking to myself, "Should I get up & get going?" The phone rang...and it was my mom telling me that she was about 45 minutes away. I guess that answered that. So I woke up, got ready, and we went off to get the rental car. My mom said that we had to go to Fox Rent-A-Car to pick it up. "Fox? I've never heard of them. Where are they? (Address) Ugh...that's by dad's house. Are you renting a car from a chop shop?" Okay, so I had never heard of them...but apparently they're a legitimate business that started April 1st, so just really new. They upgraded us to a Chrysler 300 (cuz I'm hot & charming, that's why) and we started our epic journey.

Along the drive, mom & I entertained ourselves by talking about this & that. She would tell stories about the first time she drove out to places like Evanston...and oddly enough, it was for her brother's wedding...and she was at his daughter's (her niece, my cousin) wedding earlier this week. Weird, right? I told her about the trips that I used to ride along with to get fireworks, high-point beer, & low-grade porn. Seriously, I don't think there's more reason for that city to be in existence besides that & the occasional rodeo. Great little town though. We stopped there & got some Mickey D's for breakfast (because Wendy's wasn't open yet). As the drive continued, we talked about gas prices, family, me moving to Vegas, her 50th birthday coming up, my brother's birthday coming up, road signs along the way, what we were going to do on the trip, songs on the radio, why country singers have to cover EVERY song, and just about anything else that came to mind. You know how you are with family & nothing better to do...so here are some pictures of the drive...

Not going to lie, this was the view most

of the way through Wyoming

P.S. There are going to be a lot of pictures taken at 80-90 MPH

during this trip. Please forgive the fogginess of it all...and bug stains

Not sure why my mom wanted me to take this picture

Wait, two round boulders with a tower-like rock in the middle?

We stopped in Laramie because my mom wanted to "rest her eyes" and pulled into the parking lot of Bart's Flea Market. By the way, in case you were wondering, it's basically impossible for me to take a nap when my mother's driving...because she'll randomly slam on the brakes for no reason...or one of the cataracts jumps on the road or something...so I keep her entertained...and Gawk Block her so that she keeps her eyes on the road. I went inside because I had to pee...but then I noticed there was some cool stuff in there. Mostly old Americana stuff and overpriced junk...but I did find a present for my niece Kairi. For those who don't know (or haven't seen my bedroom pictures), I like Winnie the Pooh...and have a few plush toys of them...and was even called Pooh Bear by the U of U women's basketball team for over a year (story I may tell you if you ask nicely) but I was walking around...and saw what looked like an old fuzzy plush of Pooh Bear himself. So I walked up, gave him a squeeze, and he started singing "Up, down, touch the ground..." and I basically jumped around with giddy joy (on the inside because I was in public) as he did a whole verse of the song. Tehehehe. I checked the price...five bucks. Headed for the register...and the checkout lady (maybe fifty?) gave him a squeeze...and she started dancing around with it a little bit. "Are you getting this for yourself or somebody special?" "Well, I was going to get it for my niece...but then it started singing, so it may be for when she visits MY house."

We made it to Cheyenne after getting a little lost trying to find the hotel. Well, let me elaborate on that a bit. I was under the impression that my mom knew where she was staying in Cheyenne (because she told me she did), so I didn't bother getting Mapquest directions like I did for everything else. So after we passed every exit along I-80 that went to Cheyenne, I called up her hotel & got directions for her. I checked her in...then we headed for Denver so that I could stay at the new Ritz-Carlton there. Oh...and before you judge me, I DID invite my mom to stay there too...but she had work business in Cheyenne at 6 AM & didn't want to deal with that...so she had her chance. Oddly enough, no Ritz-Carlton in Cheyenne. I know, right? Weird.

Anyway, the Ritz-Carlton, Denver staff was really nice checking me in, they gave me a room on the 14th (13th) floor, and this was what I was greeted with in the room...along with two goblets full of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups & York Peppermint Patties (repeat customer & they know what I like).

View from my room - Yes, that's Coors Field

The Legendary Ritz-Carlton Bed

It was at this point that I called JJ to let her know that I was in town...and then I called Bubbles to let her know that I made it safe...and then she informed me that I basically hadn't mentioned the trip to her at all (and she no longer reads my blog everyday) but I broke it to her as easy as I could that I was staying in a legendary Ritz-Carlton bed and hanging with our friend JJ. Then she made me jealous by saying that she was having some of Barbie's fantastic pork tacos...so we were even. Anyway, met up with JJ and JP (who's also a former coworker) and we walked around the 16th Street Mall and had dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe (their choice). Good times.

After dinner, we parted ways...and I returned to my room because I was exhausted (odd because I was in a car all day...but on four hours sleep). I flipped through the channels a bit & stumbled upon the new episode of Venture Brothers ("What Goes Down Must Come Up") and while sitting there, thought to myself, "Wow, this would be so much better if I had somebody else to share it with." Don't get me wrong, I love going on vacations & seeing new things & trying out new experiences...but the only thing better than ME experiencing all that stuff...is to SEE other people experiencing it too. The smiles on their faces, the look of wonderment, "Oh my gosh, this is amazing!", glancing in every direction to soak it all in, basically taking in the moments that they'll remember for a lifetime, then a few years later "Hey, remember when we were in...", then you both share the experience again in your own living room, that's SO much better than sitting in an incredibly well-appointed luxury hotel room by yourself overlooking Coors Field...and enjoying a few peppermint patties. This is why I don't like to travel alone...and it's REALLY easy to convince me to go on a trip with others. Anyway, I went to bed around 10:30 and didn't wake up until...

Dream #1 - I was at a party. Not the usual affair. This was at somebody's mansion...or at least a very large house...and it was catered with ice swans, you know, that kind of thing. I was walking around...and didn't really know anybody. What the hell was I doing here? I was hanging out by the bartender, then decided to try to find a bathroom. I get a little lost near the kitchen...and a lovely older lady (in her late thirties/early forties) says, "Hello there, handsome. Haven't seen you at one of these things before." "Yeah, I'm not exactly sure why I'm here honestly. Coach invited me (ah-ha, a coach is involved) but I don't know anybody else here." "Well, I'm Ginger. Nice to meet you." "I'm $teve." So then we get to talking...and she's obviously flirting with me...and I'm not opposed to the idea. Like I said, she was quite gorgeous. We talked about music (both liked oldies) and going to see a play in a few days (she had an extra ticket & I had a suit and a friend involved with the play). Some not-so-subtle innuendo later, followed by "Well, I live just a few blocks from here if you'd like to walk with me" and we walk off (fade to black).

Next thing I know, we're lying back in bed, I have a huge grin on my face, she's breathing deep & caressing the sheets, "Oh my god, FIVE TIMES? We've been going at it for hours. You're like a stallion." "Pbpbpbpb (that's me neighing)" "My husband is usually a one-and-done man. That was amazing." My eyes widen up, "YOUR HUSBAND???" "Yeah...oh my God, you didn't know? Oh I'm sorry sweetie. I'm Ginger Jones, Coach Jones' wife." "Holy sh*t!!! What the...? Are you trying to get me killed? Are you some kind of robot sent back through time to destroy me? (Why do I always think that?)" "No, not at all. I'm sorry. I just...this hasn't been the first time that I've seduced players over the years. Just the first time that they didn't know who I was. I just thought...you know, you'd be cool with it." "Well, I'm not. You're married...to Coach." "I'm sorry. You're a sweet kid. I like you a lot...and not just for the multiple orgasms (giggidy). My offer still stands for the play if you wanna go. I'd hate to go alone...and my husband isn't going to go with me." "Well, I guess that'd be cool. Just as friends though." (Are you kidding me?)

A few days later, we're finding our seats at the opera, I'm in a suit, she's in a dress with a surprisingly low neckline...and surprisingly firm support (then again, it is my dream). As we approach our seat, I hear somebody say, "Hello there $teven." I turn to find, "Bishop Bishop (I really had a Bishop Bishop growing up), how are you?" "Fine, I just came with the wife to the theatre. She dragged me along. You?" "I came with Mrs. Jones (yes, I realize the "Me & Misses....Misses Joooooones", Billy Paul's hit irony at this point in the dream) because Coach Jones couldn't make it & she had an extra ticket. I've been wanting to see this play for a long time, just nobody I could do it with...er, I mean, go with." He looks at me weird, "Hmm, interesting. Well, enjoy the show." "You too Bishop Bishop." "Please stop calling me that."

After the play, I'm being driven home (how old am I in this dream?) and Mrs. Jones tells me, "$teve, I'm sorry about the other night." "Oh it's...no big deal...just please don't get me killed." "Hahahaha, no of course not. You're a great kid...and you've opened up the flood gates of Passion in me again (OH GOD, HERE IT COMES!!!) but I would never want to hurt you. Can we still be friends?" "Oh...yeah, sure, I guess." "Can we be friends...that f**k?" "NO!!! Absolutely not." "Are you...sure? (gently tugging on the dress revealing...well, revealing)" "YES!!! Absolutely sure." "Hahahaha, I'm just messing with you. I'm sorry. You're a sweet kid. Okay, friends it is."

A few days later, I'm at Coach Jones' house and we (me, him, some other teenagers) are tossing a football around the backyard during a barbecue. Apparently, he was my football coach (never played football...or had a Coach Jones). After a few minutes, somebody yells out "LIES!!! ALL LIES!!!" and Bishop Bishop's agitated about something. "THIS MAN IS A LIAR!!!" pointing at me. "I know the truth. I know what you've done. GOD knows what you've done." At this point, I'm scared. He's gonna blab and her husband's going to kill me...and my friends are gonna bury a hole in his flower garden for me...and roses & tulips are gonna grow using my nutrients and be some of the most beautiful flowers ever...but I'll be dead & that'll suck. "I know your secret. I always had my suspicions...but then I knew it when I say you at the theatre. God frowns upon your actions...your awful, sexual actions...and you should be ashamed." Okay, how can I play this off? He hasn't seen anything...nobody has. Unless the neighbors...no, they're pretty cool about that stuff...and they wouldn't have talked to Bishop Bishop. "I have no idea what you're talking about" nor did anybody else in the backyard except me & Mrs. Jones. "Oh yes you do. You and your hedonistic lovers." What? Lovers? Plural? "Abominations." Then it hit me.

"Wo wo, wait. What? As you saying...that you think I'm gay?" "He admits it." I'm laughing myself silly at this point, "Oh my gosh, you're a homophobe...and you think that I'm gay. Hahahaha!!! Dude, why would you even think that?" "Who else would go to a musical with a woman more than twice his age...just because? Who else would be playing grab-ass in somebody's backyard with other young men?" Everybody's laughing at this point. Coach Jones steps over to him, "Ray, I think you need to go home & sleep it off. You've been here since lunch with a wineglass in your hand. Oh...and it's called football, not grab-ass." This was about the time that I woke up and was literally laughing as I woke up. Not a bad way to start the day. Anyway, so what do you think? Weird movie of the week dream? Repressed teenage memory? You be the judge. The streak of sex-teased dreams has been...well, somewhat broken. Hope you liked it...and were surprised by the ending like I was. My storytelling methods kind of suck.

Day 2 - Denver

Woke up in a good mood around 8 AM because of that dream...and was fully refreshed, so I showered, got dressed, and walked around the 16th Street Mall to check it out, get some breakfast, and a few beverages for throughout the day (because hotels are expensive for that stuff...and there's a Walgreen's two blocks away). Then I went around the Civic Center to people watch, take pictures, and see some museum once it got too hot. Unfortunately, the Denver Art Museum (DAM!!!) is closed on Mondays...but it looked like it was going to be modern art anyway. So I went across the street to the Colorado Historical Museum...and here's some pictures of my journey...

Colorado State Capitol Building

Civic Center Park

The Romans were big on Hopscotch

Colorado History Museum

Did you know there were Beavers

the size of today's Bears during the Ice Age?

Anasazi Condominiums

Check out the views from inside

Loves it - "GO FIGHTIN' WHITES!!!"

Mining is HUGE in the American West

Gotta love the Cowgirl exhibit too

(Disappointed there was no Mechanical Bull)

After that, I decided to go back to the room (too hot) and take a nap...by basically watching TV and kicking back for a few hours watching "Bickford Schmeckler's Cool Ideas" on Comedy Central. It wasn't really a funny movie per se...but it had it's moments. It's about a college kid who collects a bunch of his thoughts about existence & physical nature & philosophy & psychology and puts all of them into a book...or a journal or sorts. Then at a toga party, some super-high superhottie stumbled upon them, reads them, and basically has a mind-gasm about them...so steals the book because she's a nympho clepto (I know, hot right?). Obviously, Bickford wants his book back...but she gave it to a f**k buddy of hers...who threw it away to be picked up by a spaced-out young homeless man named Spaceman (Matthew Lillard) and the journey goes on from there as The Book is passed around campus. It was okay...but yeah, nothing major. Watch it if you have nothing better to do when it's hot outside. It was either that or watch continuing coverage of the Brangelina Twins, Knox & Vivienne.

That evening, I had dinner with JJ & JP again, this time at the Cheesecake Factory where I enjoyed some Jambalaya and a glass of Sangria. Delicious...and great company. After that, I went to the Club Lounge at the hotel for a drink & a snack. While there, I started what basically turned out to be the start of what I thought was an increase in my Mojo. I met a six-foot, skinny blonde girl (probably 16 or so) and her mom...and we talked about some of the items, like chocolate covered almonds dipped in cocoa...which seemed like a good way to stay up for a few hours. After a few minutes, they excused themselves...had been there for a while, so one of the Club attendants talked with me for a few seconds, asking where I was from, etc. Very nice...and she was cute...but yeah, after that, I sat there...by myself, overlooking downtown Denver at sunset sipping on a wonderful beverage thinking "Man, this is nice...but it'd be better if somebody else was here too." Finished my drink, went back to my room, watched some Sports Science show about a guy getting hit in the nuts with a tennis ball, and went to bed. No memorable dreams.

Day 3 - Denver to Lusk

Had a continental breakfast in the Club Lounge (fruit & a muffin) and another one of the attendents said, "How was your room last night?" "Lonely...but still fantastic." "Oh, I'm sorry about the lonely part. Traveling on business?" "Mmm, mix of business & pleasure, I guess. Always try to mix the two whenever possible." "Excellent. How long are you staying with us?" "About (check metaphorical watch) three more hours." "Well, good luck wherever your travels take you then." "Thank you." So I finished up my breakfast...and checked on a rumor about a Rolls-Royce Phantom that the Ritz-Carlton owns that they'll drive you around on a first-come, first-serve basis...and it was true. While waiting for the Phantom, Olympic basketball player Chauncey Billups pulled up in a Bentley, so I shook his hand and wish him luck in Beijing next month. Then the Phantom rolled up...and took me to the Denver Aquarium. Here are the pictures...

When you trust your camera to a valet...this is what you get

(Note the Captain Morgan pose)

My driver Rod is even giving me a salute

What it looks like inside a Rolls-Royce Phantom

What I look like inside a Phantom

"Excuse me Miss. Wanna go to the Aquarium?"

Denver Downtown Aquarium

Rocky Mountain Habitat with Trout, Salmon, etc.

Alligator Snapping Turtle

Mechanical Orangutan for B

Best picture I've ever had of a Poison Dart Frog

Usually the kids tap on the glass before I get to them

Moon Jellies - I want some for my house

Piranha - You should have seen them when I dripped

blood in their tank. It looked like a hot tub for like five minutes.

If there weren't kids getting their faces painted,

I'd have a slightly more interesting picture

Lots of kids at this place

"Dora! Dora! Dora!" - Finding Nemo has saved aquariums

I had lunch at the Aquarium's restaurant, which of course specializes in seafood...so I ordered some Mahi Mahi Fish Tacos while watching a giant aquarium...as if to say, "You're next if you don't ackrite, fishies." Good times.

More Mojo - I think this scuba diver's hitting on me

After lunch, I walked around the Riverside, down the 16th Street Mall, and down to the Denver Art Museum (open this day). Here are some pictures of that...

There's a giant Blue Bear at the Convention Center

and nobody knows why...

16th Street Mall

Hard Rock Cafe - "Love All. Serve All."

Denver Art Museum

Some great Northwestern Tribal Art

Made of Sand - Imagine sneezing ONCE while making it

After that, it started getting hot again, so I ducked into a Starbucks, ordered an Iced Caramel Macchiatto, and people watched for a little over an hour...and answered a lot of text messages. This happened to be my brother Kiel's 25th birthday so I called him up & sang him happy birthday. Also, his wife had texted me a few times about our Greatest Present Ever (that fell apart), Bubbles was in the hospital for a sinus infection in Nevada, my Wingman was in the hospital getting his last chemo treatment in Utah, my mom was working in Wyoming, and I was living la vida badass in Colorado. I almost felt a little bad for having so much fun...but quickly got over it. I sent them all my Love and wished them the best. JJ was kind enough to drive me back to Cheyenne to meet up with my mom...so big ups to her for a wonderful stay in Denver. I offered to take her out to dinner at Applebee's in Cheyenne...but she wasn't having it. Oh well, I tried.

I waited at Applebee's for an hour waiting for my mom...and again, the Mojo seemed to be working as a few of the hostesses were checking on me every so often...including one incredibly cute girl that asked me how the WNBA game that I was watching was going. "Pretty good. Care to have a seat? I can catch you up..." "Oh, I probably shouldn't, working and all. Tehehehe." "Well, if you have a break or something, I'll be here for about an hour." "Tehehe (walks off)" I just assume she was probably underage...so it's a good thing it didn't go any further than gentle, mild flirting. Anyway, after some appetizers, my mom eventually showed up, then she ate (so I was there for a few hours total), then she informed me that our plans for Minot, North Dakota have been cancelled. Cool. More time for the Black Hills...so we started driving towards there...but decided to pull up in the small town of Lusk, Wyoming at the Town House Motel. It actually wasn't a bad room based on the rate being half its competitors....and being in backwoods BFW. Here are some pictures...

You'll see this when entering Colorado

Town House Motel in Lusk, Wyoming

Anyway, the rest of the trip will be coming shortly...and it has been a LOT of fun. Can't wait to catch you up...but it'll take a while. Have a great day...and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Love y'all madly!!!

A Brick Wants to Be Something More

2008-07-12T12:20:00.006-06:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

There have been a few people who have said, "$teve, you haven't mentioned any of your kooky dreams lately. Are you still having them…or just not writing about them?" The truth is that if I were having good, entertaining dreams…then I would be more than happy to share them with you. However, for example, this morning I awoke to find myself lying with a beautiful, long dark-haired woman yearning for my touch…so I obliged her. Slowly but surely though, that damn logic of mine started kicking in. "Wait, I didn't go to bed with anybody last night. Oh crap, I'm dreaming again." Almost as instantly as I realized it, she started to fade away…like a ghost. "No, dammit. Go back to sleep, $teve. Deep breaths. You know she's not real…but you're still gonna lose her…" and then she evaporated in a heavy-panting mist leaving behind only a few warm blankets and silky sheets. It's a running theme with me. The more that I think about something, the more it seems to slip away, especially with dreams. Logic has become a pain in the ass for me. Wish I could say it was the first time (this week) that a dream like that has happened…but it's not. Why don't I share these dreams with you? Because you're probably already bored of me talking about this one…and it's not even a full paragraph. You like hearing about my frustration as much as I do…but rest assured, if I'm ever saving Australian scientists from giant snakes or saving Foxy from Transformers or saving kids from a tornado or anything else like that, I'll be sure to share them with you. Wow, I just realized that most of my dreams end up with me saving people. Maybe there's something to that...then again, I was also scared that I made sweet Love to a Terminator too. Anyway, I hope that answers all your questions that you may or may not have asked.

Yesterday, I officially applied for that THIRD job in Vegas so we'll see how that goes over the next few weeks. I'm expecting the other two to start making offers (or at least interview) soon…because I'll be out of town the next two weeks and it'd be inconvenient…which seems to be their style. It's all good though. I would love to do an interview while driving 80 MPH as I pass Lamont, Wyoming (population 3) where there may or may not be cellular phone reception with my mom talking in the seat next to me about changing the radio station because she doesn't like the song & doesn't know how to use buttons…then when the question comes up about multi-tasking, I will just laugh.

I also watched a movie that I hadn't seen before, "Indecent Proposal" with Demi Moore, Woody Harrelson, and Robert Redford. For the few of you who may not have heard about this movie, a billionaire (Redford) is gambling at a Vegas casino and his eye catches a lovely couple (Harrelson & Moore) and he invited them over for good luck. It proves effective, so he invites them up to his suite to discuss a proposition of one million dollars…for one night with your wife. Now, think about that for a moment. I have a good job that pays about well…but a million bucks is me AND my wife's salary for over the next decade…and it's offered in one night. Then comes in the Logic vs. Love conflict that made this movie really hard to watch…yet I couldn't turn away. Anyway, they go through with it (honestly, who wouldn't really? REALLY? Be honest, I won't judge). Redford's smitten with her…and he's a billionaire. Moore thinks that he's a great guy (and dynamite in the sack) but she's married. Woody's obsessed & insanely jealous because a billionaire just had relations with his wife. Conflict ensues…and I'd love to tell you how it ends…but I won't. You'll have to see it. I'll give you a hint though…a Hippo is involved. Now I know you're intrigued.

Anyway, back to the main question that the movie brings up: Would you do it? Now, you all know my resume (or lack thereof) when it comes to relationships. So keep that in mind, that I may be entirely & ignorantly blissful…or completely cynical at any time. Now, I'd like to say that I wouldn't even consider the offer because we can get by well enough without a million bucks (which would be less than half after taxes & stuff probably anyway). As it happens in this movie (and I would assume in real life if it ever came up), it was only considered after the wife brought it up as an option (since she's basically earning it) because who doesn't want to be a billionaire's girl…even for one night? So then you negotiate for more money (might as well) which didn't happen in this movie because he didn't speak with his lawyer first. Even then, I would think that if you were really in Love and trusted your partner, then it wouldn't be an issue. Sure, you'd have your thoughts…because again, who doesn't want to be a billionaire's girl…even for one night? Yeah, it's just a twisted little scenario…but I would think that Love would come through…because I'm an optimist. Worst-case, you lose out to a billionaire Robert Redford…and even though your heart is shattered into a million pieces, at least you didn't lose out to Bubba the car mechanic with a meth addiction. I don't know. What do you think? Discuss.

Best part of the day was in the evening when I hosted the $teve's Stayin' Here Rock Band party. There were a few last minute cancellations but Lilie, Mandy, Cat, Julie, and a few of the boy toys showed up and we had a rockin' evening well into the night. Great time was had by all!!! Here are some pictures…

The projector TV wall...and Sinatra on the right

Kyle & me guitar dueling to "Green Grass & High Tides"

Oh yeah, I'm $teve DeSexy

DAMMIT!!! - So apparently the reports about Megan Fox & Brian Austin Green calling off their engagement were grossly misinformed. According to an interview in TV Guide (really?), Green says "We're solid. We've lived together for three years. We have tattoos of each other's names. We have more time away from each other right now than we'd like." I'll bet. She's working. Hell, I wouldn't want to leave her side (or get dressed). Interesting thing though, he wants kids…and she's said that she's not ready for all that…but they're getting a petting zoo or sorts, which is a great compromise. "We have a potbellied pig, we have dogs, two cats, two birds a squirrel…and Megan wants a leopard - that'll never happen! That's a whole different world." Okay, I'm all for obeying laws and all of that…but if my baby wants a leopard, my baby's getting a leopard…or at the very least, a leopard-like cat…maybe a Lynx or an Ocelot. PETA would have a field day…but my Fox would have her kitty & a huge smile on her face…so it's all worth it. Anyway, it's great to hear that they're together & doing fine. I'm sorry for believing everything that I read in smut magazines…like Brett Favre retiring too. Seriously, what's going on with that?

Can't Wait for the Craziness - Police in Las Vegas say they arrested a naked man who stole a beer and then hijacked a bus several miles northeast of the Strip. A police spokesman says the man fled from a convenience store when an officer arrived to investigate a report of a shoplifter Tuesday. The man allegedly punched in a back window of a Citizens Area Transit bus, climbed aboard, forced the driver off, drove the bus about 200 yards and then jumped off the moving vehicle. A police officer climbed aboard the bus and stopped the vehicle. Police say the man was arrested on felony charges and given clothes and a mental evaluation. Do you see why I want to move to this place? Craziness & excitement everywhere…or at least near the Strip. It would be like a homecoming of sorts. Besides, it makes riding the bus a fun activity…until the new nude bus driver suddenly gets of on the next stop and forgets to put the bus in park. Good times.

Is It Chile In Here? - A stripper who danced on the poles of Santiago subway trains to challenge the prudishness of Chilean society was arrested on Thursday during one of her lightning performances. Monserrat Morilles, 26, surprised subway riders all week stripping to skimpy underwear, but she refused tips. Nice! She said she was protesting a lack of tolerance in Chile, one of Latin America's most conservative societies where the first generation since the Pinochet dictatorship is reaching adulthood. "This is just a beginning. We are starting an idea here that will grow and be developed further." The professional pole dancer worked quickly all week to avoid arrest, getting on at one station, finding a subway car with no children on it and stripping in time to exit at the next station. Chilean media dubbed her "La Diosa del Metro" or Subway Goddess. She called her performances "happy minutes." Her manager Gustavo Pradenas said, "Chile is still a pretty timid country. People aren't very extroverted and we want to take aim at that and make Chile a happier country." Fantastic. I like this idea. Ladies, do you think that America's a prudish nation like I do? Join me. We shall take it to the subway poles, the street's light poles, the barber poles, election polls, wherever the people are…that is where we will show them what of what we're made and the good Lord gave. Viva la Revolution!!!

Also gentlemen, based on sworn testimony, here's a list of things that will help out your lady when she's having that exceptionally touchy time:

Sex (apparently it works)

Exercise (preferably sex)

Heat & Ice cream (interesting combination)

Chocolate, hot tea, caffeine in general

Ibuprofen & birth control pills

Compliments

Showing that you care

Lots of sweetness, hugs, massages, etc.

Make her laugh & don't piss her off (like calling her a fatty)

Thanks for the info, ladies. If anything else comes up, please feel free to share...and guys, remember this stuff next time it comes up. No need to thank me, just pay it forward.

Anyway, that'll do it for me for today. Tomorrow morning, I leave on my two-week vacation with my mom…and I'm not sure what kind of email access I'll have…but I'll try to keep you updated & entertained when I can. Honestly, if I hear anything about getting a job in Vegas, you'll probably hear my screams of joy across the countryside before you get an email from me anyway. So keep your ears open…and have a great time everybody!!! See ya soon...

The Lives You Affect

2008-07-11T13:36:00.007-06:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday, I spent the day with my brother and his family. You know, I wonder sometimes about when/if I go to Vegas, who's going to be affected here in Utah the most? My coworkers, they'll miss me but eventually get over it...and probably eventually stop emailing me (prove me wrong). My other friends, they'll miss me...but I don't see them that much anyway because they already live an hour or so away. My parents, they'll miss me a lot...but they'll call me every other night & visit every few months...because it's Vegas. However, the people that will be most affected...are my brother & sister-in-law. This became incredibly apparent yesterday as I was hanging out with them (well, my brother mostly). I showed up around noon & watched the kids for a bit. Here are some pictures...

My nephew Vinny's already tatted up

Sorry for the picture quality, but I just wanted

to show you how cool my niece is...

"High five!!!"

My niece is cute (and my hands are HUGE)

"Pound it!!! BOOM!!!"

"Now, hide from the other boys!!! That's my girl."

We watched "Wanted" with Angelina, James McAvoy (Mr. Tumnus), and Morgan Freeman. It's a great little shoot-em-up action flick by director Timur Bekmambetov who did the Russian Nightwatch, Daywatch, Baywatch vampire movies. It's about a league of assassins...and a Joe Nobody (McAvoy) who is recruited by them to save them from the assassin who killed his father...who left him when he was a week old. It should be a horrible movie, right? Well, it has great special effects and slow-motion, rewind, one-liner, faster-motion action sequences. It was a really exciting movie for the most part, funny (if you're a little twisted like me), but yeah, pretty bloody & extreme at times...so you've now been warned. I liked it a lot though. However, I think that one scene sums the movie up best (not Angelina's back shot on the commercials...though that's what peeked my interest) and it's the great Morgan Freeman, who's the head of this organization of assassins. Now, the man has played God, the President of the United States, a singing vampire on the Electric Company, and many other memorable roles...and to hear him say...in that wonderful narrator voice, "Shoot THIS mother (lover)!!!" just sends waves of guilty pleasure through my body (though not as much as Angelina). Check it out if you like R-rated shoot-em-up movies...and await the sequels.

Anyway, back to why my brother & sister-in-law are going to miss me...because I like to think this blog is about me...to a certain extent. About the time the movie was over, Ashley was coming home from work...and she was her usual hour or so late because she stopped by her old job to say hi to her friends. No big deal, right? This happens ALL the time. Hell, I've gotten used to it...but apparently my brother can't grasp this. So she comes home (by the way, she's one of the ladies that I've been talking to about menstruation the past few days) and he does the usual "Where you been?" and of course, she wasn't in a good mood anyway, so she cops an attitude & goes upstairs...so my brother rolls his eyes in my direction, which is man code for "See what I have to deal with?" My brother's not a gentle guy. At all. In fact, he's a jackass 99% of the time...if not more.

However, after a few minutes of talking at me in a loud tone of voice about his wife (not yelling...because he knows that I would leave instantly if he were yelling at me for no reason), I suggest that he go talk to her & see what's wrong...and if there's any way that you can help. So he gives me a weird look...and I say, "Just do it, bitch." He goes up there, I hear some soft baritone talking, then some soft soprano, then some more baritone, then louder soprano, then slightly louder baritone, then a second or two of silence (uh-oh), then some kind of screaming that I can hear through walls...then Vinny starts crying because he was awoken from his nap time...and then some jumbled noises upstairs...and then Kiel comes down with a crying baby. "So ugh...what's wrong?" "(Rolls eyes) She said nothing...and I said obviously something's wrong...then she flipped out...and now I have a crying baby in my arms. Thanks (brother)!!! Wait, correction...YOU have a crying baby in YOUR arms. I'm gonna make him some food." Ladies, we try. Even after all the advice that you've given me...and I've passed along to others, it doesn't help that when we try to show some concern, you flip out. I know it's not (necessarily) your fault...but at least we try. Long story short, I texted her shortly after (I wasn't going to bug her face-to-face) and cheered her up a little bit. She was worried about school, her family, her hormones, all that stuff. It happens.

Eventually she came down & hung with the kids (my mom even stopped by) and a good time was had by all. Then my mom left with the kids (staying at grandma's house so their mom could get a good night's sleep) so it was just me, my brother, & Ashley. Then the drama started again because my brother's a bit of an idiot & mentions...well, anything moments after a women handed her kids away for the night, is exhausted, and doing her lady thing. So now I'm in the house with an arguing couple again...not what I wanted to do with my afternoon. We decided the best thing to do was to go to my buddy Young Prodigy's house and let her talk with his pregnant girlfriend while he barbecued & hung out with him. It worked. Thank God.

Later that night, Ashley had gone to bed...and so Kiel & me went out back and talked about whatever...mostly me going to Vegas. He's deathly worried about being left alone with his wife apparently. He didn't say it in so many words...but he REALLY doesn't want me to go. "I'm only going to see you when we go down for our anniversary...and maybe when you're up for the holidays or something...but you're going to use those days off for trips to Europe & the Bahamas or something (he knows me well). Who am I going to talk to? All my friends are flakes." "Well...you're kind of an asshole too, dude. Maybe you should learn to talk with your wife. Most people make sure they can do that beforehand." "Still dude, you know I'm going to be calling you all the time." "And you know what I'm doing if I'm not answering, right?" "I hope so, man. If anybody I know deserves a good girlfriend, f**k buddy, wife, whatever, it's you. I hope you find one in Vegas...just stay away from those hoes, bro. I don't want you getting the clap or anything." "Well, that makes two of us."

That's really all I've got today, except I applied for that other new job in Vegas this morning. So yeah, he's gonna miss me...and Ashley's going to miss me (because she vents to me all the time too). The kids are going to miss me too (until they forget about me) but it just feels like Vegas is the next step for me. Don't know how to explain it. It's gonna be fun...but in the meantime, I'm just going to have to enjoy my time here in Utah...beginning with my $teve's Stayin' Here Rock Band Party tonight!!! Stop on by!!! If not, have a great night!!! Oh by the way, Rock Band 2 will be here later this year. Awesome, right?

Livin' on a Natural High

2008-07-10T09:37:00.007-06:00

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

First off, I'd like to thank all the ladies who have helped me out with getting to know menstruation yesterday...and those of you who just haven't gotten around to it (hint hint). Some great advice there...like just showing that you care, being there for them...but at a distance, make 'em laugh, don't piss 'em off, and showers are always nice. Any other suggestions on how to help? Please let me know. Together, I think we can make the world a better place on a monthly basis.

Last night after work, I drove home some sweet, older lady coworkers home, Valencia & Tangerine. They don't have a car...and I was heading out anyway. It was a few miles out of my way...but they're great gals...and they wanted me to tell them how Vegas was going (because they're older ladies & don't read my blog). I've done this a few times before...but I've never asked for gas money or anything...and I probably never will. It's kind of sad that owning the car, what used to be the staple of being an American, is becoming so hard to do. More so than hot dogs, baseball, credit cards, pornography, and crack cocaine...having your own car was pure Americana. Now, things have changed a bit. I have a beautifully restored muscle car that I can't afford to drive anywhere...so she sits & gathers dust...and I have a very good paying job. Most people have to work within walking distance of where they live...and barely get by. It's for reasons like this that I have absolutely no reservations about driving people around. It's kind of like spreading the wealth...and besides, it's a lot of fun. Gosh, I'm going to my brother's today to see him before his birthday (since I'll be out of town) and it's going to cost me as much to do that as it used to cost me to drive down to Vegas when I started driving...ten years ago. I don't know. I guess I'd better get used to it. Gas prices aren't going to change for the better. We're just to the point where everybody else in the world used to be. It's just a little sad...but maybe for the better so that we don't pollute as much. You win this round, Mother Nature!!! Anyway, here's some news about nature...

New Natural Wonders Named - Eight new natural wonders have been added to the World Heritage List. World Heritage Sites are named by the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO). The sites, both cultural and natural, added to the list are deemed "of outstanding value to humanity" and deserve protection and preservation. With the new additions, the World Heritage List now boasts 878 sites (679 cultural, 174 natural and 25 mixed) in 145 countries. The eight new natural sites added this year include:

Joggins Fossil Cliffs (Canada)

Mount Sanqingshan National Park (China)

Lagoons of New Caledonia: Reef Diversity and Associated Ecosystems (France)

Surtsey (Iceland)

Saryarka - Steppe and Lakes of Northern Kazakhstan (Kazakhstan)

Monarch Butterfly Biosphere Reserve (Mexico)

Swiss Tectonic Arena Sardona (Switzerland)

Socotra Archipelago (Yemen)

Haven't been to any of these places...but now they're on the list. I may have to check the list of 878 to see how many that I've been to...but probably not too many. A few dozen maybe? If I get REALLY bored one day, I'll let you know...and show you any pictures that I might have. The Butterfly Reserve sounds like the secret headquarters of the Monarch from Venture Brothers. Who knew that he lived in Mexico?

Eat in Moderation, Live Longer - Everybody's searching for the Fountain of Youth so that we can enjoy these wonderful lives as long as possible...and new research finds a fairly simple way to add a few years to your life. Eat in Moderation. Specifically calorie restriction by about 25%. "There is plenty of evidence that calorie restriction can reduce your risks for many common diseases including cancer, diabetes and heart disease," says Saint Louis University researcher Edward Weiss, who last week announced a new study that brings fresh understanding to how it works. "And you may live to be substantially older." By which they mean, according to the research, eat 15 percent less starting at age 25 and you might add 4.5 years to your life, coupled with some drugs being designed based on these studies, you may be able to increase your life by 10 to 15 years in the very near future this way. The link has some more details...but I'm not going to bore you with numbers on this anymore. It could be true. The evidence says so. Here's a way that might help...

All Natural, No-Calorie Sweetener - Agribusiness giant Cargill Inc is starting to roll out Truvia, which is made from certain compounds in the leaves of Stevia (I swear, I did NOT make this up, read the article), a shrub native to Paraguay, and will provide a natural alternative to artificial sweeteners including Sweet 'N Low, Equal and Splenda. Truvia is going on sale first at a handful of D'Agostino supermarkets in Manhattan, and will eventually be sold at grocery stores and big box retailers near you. Starting in packets of forty then eventually into beverages & food by next year, it may be the next big thing in sweets. The sweetness of $tevia will soon spread across the globe. However, Stevia is approved as a food additive in a dozen countries including Japan, Brazil and China, but not in the European Union or the United States. Yet it is sold in the U.S. as a dietary supplement, since supplements are not subject to the same regulations. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration classifies Stevia as an "unsafe food additive," saying on its website that "available toxicological information on Stevia is inadequate." Why? Based on previous tests, Stevia is dangerous, yet sweet, and ends up going straight to your thighs. A few lucky researchers out there would be glad to give you testimony (emphasis on few). Anyway, keep an eye out on this stuff. You know I will...since it's basically named after me.

Well, that'll do it for me today. Gonna head over to my brother's in a little bit to see him for his birthday...and help him with the greatest present ever, courtesy of my sister-in-law & I...but more on that later. Tonight's Slow Ride at the Huka Lounge (61st South & State) if you're interested...but get there early. Tomorrow's the $teve's Stayin' Here Rock Band Party at my place. Saturday's work. Sunday starts the two week road trip adventure (on Uncle Sam's dime) with my mom...to some exotic locations (like the 4th largest city in North Dakota). Have a great day everybody!!!

Help Me Help You, Ladies!!!

2008-07-09T10:22:00.005-06:00

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

You know, I've been puzzled for the last few days. However, before I go further, I want to warn you that the discussion for the first two paragraphs gets a little...unusual, especially for my blog. Some of the things discussed may make your stomach a little queezy and I may not use politically correct language...but it's only because I'm pretty much ignorant on the subject...as you will soon find out. Wow, I make it sound a lot worse than it is...but don't say that I didn't warn ya. Definitely do not read the next little bit of your sitting at your computer reading this & eating something. You see...the past few days a few of the ladies that I speak with on a regular basis have been Menstrating. I know, it's a touchy subject for both genders...but I'm just trying to learn. The longest that I've had a girlfriend is three months...and I had no sisters growing up...and my mom didn't talk to me about this stuff...and is now in menopause...so yeah, I have very little experience with regards to menstration other than women get mysteriously & extremely irritable (to put it lightly) on a monthly basis.

Being the curious little monkey that I am, I decided that it was finally time for me to not Fear the crabbiness, cramping, bleeding, mood swings, temporary insanity, physical drainage, emotional baggage, social awkwardness, and all the other stuff mentioned on those damned commercials that I see all the time...and try to get myself a little educated on the subject. So I've been asking a few questions about it...directly from the source. Why? I want to know what I can do as a guy to help out & make you feel better. I mean...what helps? Back rub? Scented candles? A few kind words? Garlic pills? Dirty limericks? A nap? Or do I just give you some chocolate ice cream and get the hell away? From the people that I've asked, it's usually the last one...but then something unexpected was mentioned. I realize that there's a rushing of hormones involved with menstation...but I was told that sometimes the ladies just want a good ol' rogering...and it makes sense...sort of. Hormones rushing, take your time, lay it down proper, she nods off, hormones & headaches subside, endorphines are running wild. Yet for some reason, I always thought that the cramping thing would be an issue for her...and the blood might be for me. I'm not going to lie. I would probably freak out...a lot...but there are ways around that to make you feel better. Also, the mess involved...I don't know, maybe this isn't a usual thing. Like I said, I'm just starting to find out this stuff. Anyway, my question is this...what is it that you ladies want us to do when it's that time of the month? How can we help? I have a feeling that a lot of guys out there want to know...yet just don't want to ask the awkward questions. Well, I've gone beyond that, I think. Please, let us know how we can help you. I'm extremely curious now...and I want to inform others. Help me help you, ladies.

Last night after work, I watched the movie "Cellular" with Chris Evans, Kim Basinger (hotchuma hotchuma), Jason Statham, and William H. Macy. It was a surprisingly good flick the first time I saw it...and it didn't disappoint this time either. It's about a lady who's kidnapped from her home (Basinger by Statham) and she doesn't know why. Somehow, she manages to dial a random number on a broken phone...and a teenager answers (Evans). He thinks that it's a prank at first...but then realizes it's not and tries to go to the police (Macy) but a series of events gets in the way...and now he has to try to find her, save the rest of her family, get help, and save the day...all before the battery & his plan minutes run out. Oh yeah, Jessica Biel's in it for a few brief glorious moments too. Anyway, car chases, suspense, funny moments, intrigue, twists & turns, and William H. Macy turns out to be a badass...who wants to open a day spa. Great flick. Check it out. Now, here's the news...

Everybody's a Winner!!! - A brothel in Nevada is trying to stimulate business by offering free gas cards to cover the costs of driving there from Vegas. Clients of the Shady Lady Ranch will get a $50 gas voucher if they fork out $300 (worth about one hour's worth of services) at the brothel in Beatty, Nevada, which is about 130 miles northwest of Las Vegas. Owner James Davis said he already has had to order another $1,000 set of petrol vouchers because the first $1,000 were spent in one week. "It's rocking along. We're doing quite well. June and July historically are not big months." Great for them. It's a great idea that stimulates business for them...tapping directly into the millions of people in Las Vegas. Fill 'er up...then get some gas. I like it a lot. By the way, you all know that prostitution is legal in some parts of Nevada, right? Not Vegas...but other counties...like this one about two hours away. If you didn't know that, you may be wondering why this is on the news & nobody's doing anything about it. Oh...and I like that James runs the business with his wife Bobbi, who came up with the idea. Just goes to show, behind every great man is a woman giving him ideas. Kudos!!!

Baby Names Update - The 1960s brought us baby names such as April and Sunshine, and naming new Americans has never been the same. So when Sunday Rose Kidman Urban was born this week, the baby of an actress (Nicole Kidman) and a country western singer (Keith Urban), news of her distinctive name created only a small stir. While many parents still stick with traditional names, U.S. babies now are tagged with an ever-increasing diversity of names for which the inspirations range from the calendar to languages from afar to colors to fruit to movie, literary, & video game characters to states to acronyms to stuff that can only be characterized as throwing random letters together & low-level child cruelty. The top 10 baby names from 1950 look nothing like today. Here's the list from 1950, according to the U.S. Social Security Administration:

Most popular boy/girl baby names in 1950:

1. James / Linda
2. Robert / Mary
3. John / Patricia
4. Michael / Barbara
5. David / Susan
6. William / Nancy
7. Richard / Deborah
8. Thomas / Sandra
9. Charles / Carol
10. Gary / Kathleen

Here's the list from last year:

1. Jacob / Emily
2. Michael / Isabella
3. Ethan / Emma
4. Joshua / Ava
5. Daniel / Madison
6. Christopher / Sophia
7. Anthony / Olivia
8. William / Abigail
9. Matthew / Hannah
10. Andrew / Elizabeth

The diversity in U.S. baby names has exploded since the 1950s. Back then, a quarter of all boys and girls got one of the top 10 baby names. In recent times, the top 10 names account for only one tenth of all baby names. Laura Wattenberg's blog has an interactive tool that displays the historical popularity of thousands of names from the 1880s to now, if you're interested. Looking at the 50's names, I see a lot of my aunts & uncles (five uncles, three aunts, & my mom) and from last year...not so much. Apparently, Michael & William are still popular a half-century later...but that's about it. Anyway, I like diversity in names (as my proposed names for my offspring would suggest) so keep 'em coming. It's just interesting how the trends go...like celebrities naming their kids ridiculous stuff...but it's their choice...until the kid grows up. "You named me APPLE? What the f**k, mom? Dad, where were you?" "I was on tour. I wanted to name you Joshua. I heard about it on the tellie myself."

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Another big day at work that I'm convincing myself to stay the whole day...no matter what...but we'll see if my willpower prevails. Also got a job description for that new prospect...and it looks pretty good. I'll keep you posted. Have a great day everybody!!! What number are you?

You Are 7: The Enthusiast

You are outgoing and playful - always seeing the happy side to life.

You're enthusiastic and excitable. You love anything new.

Multi-talented, you do many things well... and find success easy.

You prefer to keep things light with others. Opening up is hard for you.

At Your Best: You are deeply involved in each experience. You appreciate life for what it is, and you take the time to enjoy each moment.

At Your Worst: You are greedy, self centered, impulsive, and insatiable.

Your Fixation: Gluttony

Your Primary Fear: Deprivation and pain

Your Primary Desire: To be satisfied and content

Other Number 7's: Howard Stern, Cameron Diaz, Robin Williams, Jim Carey, and Jenny Mccarthy.

What Number Are You?

Is There Such a Thing as Coincidence?

2008-07-08T12:18:00.005-06:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Some good news on the job front. My managers are trying to help me get certified as a manager as soon as possible so that I can get to Vegas sooner rather than later...but we'll see how it works out. I spent about an hour with Boss Lady D yesterday and basically she paid me a lot of serious compliments in filling out some paperwork and went over my strengths with me...and as you can probably guess, it's really nice to hear somebody talk flowery about you. So a good day was had...and according to some system that determines my strengths by interview questions, my top qualities are Teamwork (playing well with others, going the extra mile, training & helping, etc), Positivity (maintaining a positive attitude, making those around me happy, building great relationships) and Caring (helping out whenever needed & basically giving a damn). Pretty accurate...and perfect for the jobs that I'm looking into. Also, there's another job opening that was just posted yesterday that seems almost too good to be true...so I'll investigate & get back to you when I know more.

Last night, I watched "Platoon" for the first time...and really not much else to say other than it's a Vietnam movie directed by Oliver Stone with an all-star cast (did you know Johnny Depp was in that? I didn't). Bloody, twisted, and about Vietnam...so not exactly a feel good movie...but what would you expect with Willem Dafoe being the good guy (still creepy), Charlie Sheen is the narrator, and Tom Berenger looks like he's pieced together by Dr. Frankenstein. Great flick...but yeah, not a cheerful one. Vietnam sucks.

Luckily, "Signs" was on TV. Now, I make fun of M. Night Shyamalan a little bit (probably because I'm just extremely jealous) but I really like this movie. It's about a former minister / farmer (Mel Gibson) and his family's experience during a slow but steady alien invasion...or is it a hoax? Great suspense throughout. Great, fun performances by Gibson & Joaquin Phoenix and it's just a great movie that almost brings me to tears at times...because it's about Family, Faith, Fate, Aliens, and basically just seeing Signs in every situation. You know that I'm a big believer in "Everything happens for a reason" and though it may seem like the right thing at the time, down the road it turns out to be the best thing. This movie deals with that...and the Love for family & loss...oh and throws in a few aliens...or are they the neighbor kids? Or just dead people walking around? Spoiler alert: ZOMBIE NINJAS!!! What a twist? Now, here's the news...

How to Make A Portuguese Orange Juice - Husband and wife Francisco and Casilda Figueiredo are among the last exponents of a traditional Portuguese handicraft -- making ornamental ceramic penises. For more than three decades, the couple have carefully shaped thousands of ceramic male organs, moulding them into upright shapes and painting them in life-like colours for export to Germany, France and North America. Oddly enough, they say the tradition is dying out. "The days of the ceramics trade here are numbered, I see no possibility of survival," Francisco said as he prepared moulds of the couple's top-of-the-range two-foot phallic-shaped bottles in his workshop. "It will never be like it was in the past." The couple produce ceramic mugs with a penis sticking out of the bottom or the side, penis-shaped bottles and ceramic soccer figures with the male organ popping out from under a flag...and sell for about 15 Euro ($30). The tradition is said to have started in the late 19th century when King Dom Luis suggested that the local potters make something more interesting...and this certainly has an interesting market. I can just imagine being at the home of a lovely elderly couple in Lisbon. "Would you like some milk for your coffee?" "Oh, yes please." Poured out of what appears to be a ceramic mold of John Holmes. "That's ugh...that's milk, right? You know what...sorry, maybe I'll just have some juice. I'll ugh...squeeze it myself."

The Sport of Wife Carrying - It's not just for professional athletes anymore. Julia Galvin came to Finland looking for a man that would carry her 120 kg over a 253-metres track -- the incentive being the chance to win the wife-carrying world title and beer worth her body weight. In the end the Irish woman was carried by an English man through a pool and across hurdles. She did not make the gold, but said she would keep trying until the title and the beer was hers. Wife-carrying is one of a host of bizarre contests that Finns, who can tend to gloominess in the long winter dark, have devised for the scant months of summer when the sun hardly sets and people's mood turns frolicsome. Forty-eight couples from 13 countries, including Kenya, Australia and Canada, gathered in the remote Finnish village to complete the track. Estonia reigned supreme once again, as Alar Voogla sprinted home in just over one minute to win the Baltic country's 11th title, with Kirsti Viltrop clinging upside-down to his back. Honestly though, tell me that you wouldn't watch this if it were on primetime. It also purportedly stems from an even earlier tribal practice of wife-stealing, in honour of which many contestants now take up the challenge with someone else's wife. It has also inspired others to organise events such as sauna sitting, swamp football, cell phone throwing or karaoke singing. All are part of a summer bonanza of events that rake in visitors and cash for as long as the midnight sun shines. So next time you think that there's nothing to do...remember these Nordic events...and celebrate with a beer or two...and throw your cell phone out of the sauna while singing "Yesterday" or something. Always something to do...when you have imagination.

RZA, Eli, & Quentin: The Holy Trinity? - The other day it was reported that rap artist RZA (WU TANG!!!) and director Eli Roth ("Hostel" & "Cabin Fever") are teaming together to develop a martial arts film called "The Man with the Iron Fist" in which Quentin Tarantino may involve himself in. Now, Eli Roth has said that RZA is not only writing the film, he's also directing. "This movie will have everything martial arts fans could want, combined with RZA's superb musical talent. Fans should know that yes, there will be blood... This ain't no PG-13." What about QT's involvement? Seems that RZA "has been studying directing with Tarantino for years. and he's really ready to get behind the camera." This is of course mostly speculation at this point...but this could be awesome. Like Kill Bill meets the Wu Tang Clan. Awesome!!!

Anyway, that'll do it for me today. Busy day at work again...and I'm determined to spend the whole day there after half-assing it yesterday. I need the money for a future move...and that two-week vacation with my mom starting on Sunday. Remember that? Yeah, it was finally thrown together...just in a different order (government work). It's the one to Cheyenne (Denver), Minot North Dakota, maybe a stop by Mount Rushmore, and Great Falls Montana. We'll make it fun though...because it's my mama. Check with y'all tomorrow. Have a great day...and keep an eye out for signs...especially ones that say STOP!!!

You're My Boy, Blue!!!

2008-07-07T12:29:00.007-06:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I'd like to start things off by wishing a happy first anniversary to Mr. & Mrs. Wingman on this 7th of July. Can't wait until I live within shouting distance...but in the meantime, I am going to celebrate staying in Utah for the time being...with a Rock Band party this Friday, so if you're interested. Feel free to stop by. There will be booze, charred mammal flesh, edamame, shadow puppets, the company of great people, and Rock Band with 7.1 Dolby Digital Surround Sound & projected on an over 200 inch screen (wall). Good times & lots of fun.

Yesterday, I didn't do much during the day except watch TV movie versions of "Kill Bill" (Party Wagon? Seriously?), "Ultraviolet" (my Milla fix), and possibly one of the most thoroughly funny movies ever made by man...Old School. Seriously, is there more than a minute in that movie where you don't laugh hysterically? Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, Luke Wilson, even cameos by Sean William Scott, Jeremy Piven, and Juliette Lewis are hilarious.

Based on a suggestion from the Mad Scientist though, I decided to finally go to a coffee shop and try to pick up on girls...awkwardly yet charmingly. So I went down to one of the local Beans & Brews (two within walking distance), order a Mr. B (I don't know what's in it...but I'm guessing it contains delicious crack), set up my laptop, and basically wait for people to show up...because it was a Sunday afternoon. While there, I basically just sent emails to JL Clyde to entertain her at work & checked out the news (pan down if interested). The beverage was delicious...but in the two hours that I was there...the only girl there without her boyfriend was the girl that made my beverage...and I wasn't going after her. It was later suggested that I try a place near the university which makes perfect sense...and instead of just pratting along on my keyboard...to read a book of poetry or something. Conveniently, I do have a few poetry books...that I've actually read a few times...and memorized a few back in high school (to impress the female nerds in the clubs that I was in) but mostly John Donne. So if somebody inquires about my reading...and they like their 16th century preacher poets who wrote beautiful love poetry to their jailbait nieces, then I'm good to go. Great ice breaker right there. More attempts to be mysterious & interesting later...but I think I'm too open for all that. What do you think? Based on what you've read about me on this blog...would you be interested...or am I EXACTLY what you're trying to avoid?

This morning, I helped my dad pick up an old stereo that somebody he works with (moving to Reno) was giving away...but that's not all. It was an original 1963 Pioneer stereo system with a record turntable, cassette player (probably one fo the first years), AM/FM phonograph (kid you not, that's what it said on the owner's manual...and yes, the owner's manual was with it), two CS series speakers (medium size 8" woofers), and a collection of records that was simply amazing. I'm talking the Beatles "Revolver" album, original Lynyrd Skynyrd (including the revoked one after their plane crash), Led Zeppelin "Houses of the Holy", the Ventures, the Holy Bible as narrated by the Statler Brothers, Perry Como, Bob Seger, ten kinds of Clapton (Byrds, Derek & the Dominos, God himself, etc), and many many many more with some great value to them. Thanks Ruby!!! You rock!!! Anyway, here's some news while I'm at work...

Panda Update - A panda who was relocated after China's deadly earthquake damaged her home gave birth to twin cubs on Sunday. Guo Guo is the first panda to give birth since the 7.9-magnitude quake struck Sichuan province on May 12, killing nearly 70,000 people and leaving 5 million homeless. One cub weighed 6 ounces and Guo Guo was cuddling the other cub and staffers at the Bifengxia Giant Panda Base were not able to weigh it. The report did not give the sex of the twins. This is awesome news...because not only are the pandas breeding...bu they're doing so in Brangelina fashion...two at a time. Maybe the techniques that I kept telling them about when I was over there in China are finally starting to pay off three years later. Yeah, I know. I should be used to being right all the time...but it still startles me once in a while...because statistically, I have to be wrong at least once in a while, right? It's simple mathematics & probability. Anyway, congratulations to Guo Guo & now...during the next hundred days, I'm sure they'll have a contest to name the twins...and might I suggest Ren & Stimpy...or whatever that translates to in Chinese (probably "Angry Rat Dog" & "Nasty Pussy Cat" or something). Maybe they can just wait until Angelina has her litter...and copy them. I still think Ling Ling's a good strong name too. Any other suggestions? (God help you if you say Mary Kate & Ashley)

Pompeii Update - Now, I may have mentioned during my travels there in November that I've always wanted to make a movie about Pompeii now that we have CGI technology & the option of an orgy scene in the movie industry...not like "The Last Days of Pompeii" back in the 50's. However, the Italian government declared a state of emergency at the Pompeii archaeological site on Friday to try to rescue one of the world's most important cultural treasures from decades of neglect. A cabinet statement said it would appoint a special commissioner for Pompeii, the ancient Roman city buried by an eruption of the Vesuvius volcano in AD 79 and now a UNESCO World Heritage site. Archaeologists and art historians have long complained about the poor upkeep of Pompeii, dogged by lack of investment, mismanagement, litter and looting. Bogus tour guides, illegal parking attendants and stray dogs also plague visitors. (But the dogs are really cute & friendly though) Some 2.5 million tourists visit Pompeii each year, making it one of Italy's most popular attractions, and many have expressed shock at the site's decay. Basically, the report says that at least 150 square meters of fresco & plaster work are lost each year due to erosion (and probably unlicensed patron souveniors) and preservation that started thirty years ago isn't cutting it. In fact, the parts of the city that haven't been excavated yet...are literally a trash dump for the nearby city of Naples and is scattered with tires, fridges, and mattresses. Truly sad...but I'm sure that the Italian government will find a way to preserve this incredible place. I mean...it's not like they've elected porn stars or anything. Oh wait...maybe we should help them out. Nah, the Euro's stronger than the dollar now. It's their problem. Feel free to check out my pictures from last year.

Wax Figures: The New Clowns? - In our pursuit to preserve history, sometimes we do some silly things. We've turned the Leaning Tower of Pisa into a symbol of a great nation full or sooooo many cooler things. We display bones of people & giant animals that no longer exist in museums...and yet there's still a market for endangered animal skins. However, wax museums are filled with figures of humans throughout history to...well, basically show just how creepy it would be to see them frozen in time...in three dimensions. Like you went back to a moment in time...yet were frozen there (so you could give Napoleon a wedgie or put his hand down his pants instead of in his lapel or something). Now, they recently opened a Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in Berlin...and of course, when you think of the history of Germany, who's the first person that comes into mind? No, not David Hasselhoff, the other guy. No, not Dirk Nowitzki, shorter...with a silly moustache. Geraldo's not German, not even close. I'm talking about Hitler. Anyway, on opening day a 41-year old German man tore the head off the Hitler wax figure and I'm guessing the authorities stopped him before he could skull f**k the former German dictator responsible for the death of millions.

Now, the interesting thing about this story in my opinion, is that it is illegal in Germany to show Nazi symbols and art glorifying Hitler and the exhibit was cordoned off to stop visitors posing with him. Unobtrusive signs asked visitors to refrain from taking photos or posing with Hitler "out of respect for the millions of people who died during World War Two". Camera surveillance and museum officials were meant to stop inappropriate behaviour. Institutions such as the foundation for Germany's central Holocaust memorial site condemned the idea of the exhibit as tasteless, saying it had been included to generate business...so why did this seem like a good idea to the museum? When I went to the Wax Museum in Barcelona, they had a whole array of Socialist dictators on display...but they're still a Socialist nation. It just seems...obviously they saw it coming, hence the security around the figure. It's like opening one of those wax museums in Detroit and having a Klan leader figure next to Osama Bin Ladin. Somebody's going to get shot...and that's probably before the museum opens. Anyway, it's just weird, I guess.

Well, that'll do it for me today. Have a groovy day...and I'll probably see ya tomorrow. Happy Anniversary to the Wingmans once again!!! "Brown chicka brown brown, brown chicky chicky brown..."

Love, Passion, & Double D's

2008-07-06T10:45:00.008-06:00

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, after work last night, I met up with Bubbles & two of her ladyfriends at Green Street for some pool and free drinks. It's about time a girl bought me a drink. Then again, it was just about last call when I showed up. I did better than usual with regards to billiards...and we all had a good time. The ladies then talked about getting a cab...but were going to different places, so I just offered to drive them home & they spent the money saved on some late night waffles at Village Inn that I ended up eating most of. Nice. The best part about eating at Village Inn late at night...is the people watching. In fact, there was one lady in her twenties who...probably should have been cut off a long time ago...and she was basically roaring like a cat at the other tables & rambling at the waitress. It was interesting...and mildly entertaining. Of course, sitting at the table with three very attractive ladies, there were a few guys watching our table...and probably wondering who the hell I was. "Either it's their gay friend, an older brother, or some kind of centaur. Look! He's totally looking down her shirt. That eliminates the gay friend...and he's not nearly as hot as them, so he's probably half horse." As we left, one of them even tried to wave down Bubbles from across the room...and she just laughed & grabbed onto my arm as we exited. See? Being a chauffeur pays off...in fun, waffles, and confidence-building.

Drunk Driving - You know, I realize that I talk a lot about having a designated driver (Double D's in title), enjoying alcohol in moderation, and basically being safe with your fun. It's primarily because I have seen some of my friends & family suffer greatly when they don't. My dad would tell me horror stories while he was a cop about accidents where alcohol was involved. Several of my high school friends & classmates died in car crashes. Even lesser things like DUIs and repairing your car are both really expensive & inconvenient. Even as recently as yesterday, I expressed how much I enjoy being a designated driver…because I don't need alcohol for a good time, so everybody has fun & gets home safely. Then last night I was looking through the news bites and found this story that scared me a little bit. Former Chargers safety Terrence Kiel was killed after he was thrown from a Chevy sedan he was driving Friday night. He was driving alone after leaving a party at about 10:15 PM when he hit a wall in San Diego's upscale Scripps Ranch neighborhood and was thrown from the car. Friends had tried to keep Kiel from driving home from the party, Sgt. Alan Hayward said, and witnesses told police he appeared to be driving in the wrong direction when he crashed.

Now the reason that this particular story scared me…was because Kiel is my brother's name (as you may know) so when I see a headline containing "Kiel dies" it immediately creeps me out…because it's even an unusual spelling. Secondly, he was 27 years old & driving home alone after a 4th of July party. I'm 27…and went to a party the other night. Thirdly, I thought it oddly ironic that his position when he played football was Safety. Anyway, I know you guys are probably sick of me reminding you that drinking & driving is a really bad idea…but please just take it to heart. It's not that I'm trying to tell you how to live your life or anything like that…just that I'd like you guys to be around as long as possible…and I certainly don't want to read any headlines containing "(Someone I really care about) dies" as I'm sure there are plenty others out there that feel the same way. Drink responsibly…and if you must, feel free to invite me to your shindig. I'm pretty entertaining anyway…and I'll drive you home in my plush, newly renovated Poor Man's Maybach. Seriously, you'll fall asleep in these heavenly sofa-like seats & smooth ride. I'm not joking. It's THAT comfortable.

American Tales of Gluttony - American Joey Chestnut reclaimed the top spot at the annual Nathan's hot dog eating contest in Coney Island on Friday after first tying with Japanese archrival Takeru Kobayashi in a 10-minute chow-down at 59 dogs...and then beating him in a five-dog eat-off. Kobayashi had hoped to reclaim the throne after a disappointing three-dog loss last year shattered his six-year winning streak. Chestnut's winnings include $10,000 and the coveted mustard-yellow belt. Congratulations, Mr. Chestnut!!! Your dedication has paid off. Really though, what's more American than gorging yourself on incredibly unhealthy processed meat-based products while people around the world & in your own country starve? How about this…

The Big Cheese - A sculpture of the signing of the Declaration of Independence made from a one-ton block of cheddar cheese glistened on the sidewalk of Times Square in New York on Thursday as an artist's tribute to the 4th of July. The replica of an iconic painting by John Trumbull shows John Adams, John Hancock, Benjamin Franklin and others standing around a table signing the historic document. Sculptor Troy Landwehr worked eight hours a day for a week in a 40-degree cooler carving the block of Wisconsin cheddar for cracker company Cheez-It. "The cheddar has been pasteurized and will not melt. What I spray on it is cooking oil and that stops it from drying out and cracking. That's why it looks sweaty. It actually preserves the cheese. The hardest part was trying to keep everybody in proportion." He said putting the cheese on display in New York and Philadelphia would help it age faster and then it would be taken back to Wisconsin to be donated to food pantries. Well, as absurd as it sounds, at least it's going to a good cause…eventually.

Rage & Gluttony - A man was charged with battery last week after he hit his mother in the head with a three-pound package of Polish sausage (that's what she said). Gregory Allen Praeger, 46, was in the kitchen cooking and talking on the phone when officers arrived Saturday night. His mother told police he had been drinking and arguing with her, then picked up the package of sausage and hurled it, grazing her head. She was not badly hurt and did not have to go to the hospital. He was held on $500 bond. "What are you in for?" "I clocked my elderly mother with three pounds of all-beef Polish sausage." Not going to get you street cred unless they take it in an entirely inappropriate way…then they may be disappointed during shower time.

Betsy Ross Update - Remember a few months ago when I mentioned that Benjamin Franklin & Betsy Ross were getting married? Well, to commemorate the 4th of July, historical figure reenactors Ralph Archbold (Franklin) & Linda Wilde (Ross) tied the knot in front of Independence Hall in Philadelphia. The bride and groom, as well as the entire wedding party, were in costume for the event. "Ralph and Linda, the entire city could not be happier for you," said Mayor Michael Nutter, who performed the brief ceremony. After exchanging vows, Archbold and Wilde were given a standing ovation by the crowd of several thousand as the Philly Pops played the wedding march. The couple boarded a horse-drawn coach for the trip to a private reception at the historic City Tavern, where Franklin dined along with such notables as George Washington and Thomas Jefferson. The 66-year-old Archbold, who has portrayed Franklin since 1973, and Wilde, 50, met Sept. 1 after she hired him for a friend's wedding toast. The couple discovered a mutual Love of history and education, and they announced their engagement this spring.

Speaking of Betsy Ross, the ULTIMATE CHALLENGE is still alive & well. Show off your creative skills & stand to receive a magnificent array of wonderful prizes. Years from now, perhaps a couple portraying your historical image will be married in this fashion…as the legendary creator of the first Flag of $tevonia. Do you think that Betsy Ross expected to be immortalized in song when she (allegedly) made the first flag? Nope. Never even crossed her mind. That's the thing with history, the little things that you do today, when filled with Love & Passion, could immortalize your image to inspire future generations to do the same. Perhaps the only thing that people should live with an excess of in their veins…is that Love & Passion for others. Because when it all comes down to it, the greatest purchases of our life aren't when we buy a new sportscar or an Armani suit or something just for us…but when it's an engagement ring for the Love of your life or a house to start your family. The greatest thrills aren't when you jump out of an airplane or race around going 180 MPH…but when you find that special someone who makes everything exciting & new, yet gives you a sense of inner peace and spiritual creaminess. I guess what I'm saying basically is don't sweat the small stuff…and don't be stingy with the Love (at least to those that deserve it). Sure, there may be lots of bad people out there wanting to do you wrong…but when you find those great people who make you feel incredible & really care about you, don't take them for granted. Let them know what they mean to you. Don't be afraid to open up to them. Live your life with Love & Passion.

Wow, I just realized that I babbled on a lot about that…when I started with talking about the flag for my imaginary principality. Nice. Well, that's why some of you read every word…and others skim through. Either way, thanks for reading. Writing this gibberish keeps me entertained…and hopefully does the same for you…and let me know if you'd like to sponsor me. Donations / Gratuities are greatly appreciated…as well as comments.

Anyway, that will do it for today. Not any real plans or anything...but worst-case, there's the Sunday Night Fox lineup and a new Venture Brothers episode. Awaiting the possible return of the lovely Molotov Cocktease. I know, I'm lame...but I'm also charming, so it doesn't come off as creepy unless I write it down and display it for the world to see. (Sigh...) Have a great night everybody!!! Hotchuma hotchuma!!!

Activate Hero Shield

2008-07-05T12:19:00.007-06:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

After work last night, I met up with Brooklyn at Ex-Wives Place (house party was apparently cancelled) and had a few beers. Good times. I showed up just before last call...so I basically just sit back & watched intoxicated individuals celebrate America's birthday, Life, Liberty, & the Pursuit of Happiness in general. I bought a round of shots...and was instantly everybody's friend. Not a bad way to drop twenty bucks...but I doubt anyone will remember me this morning. Anyway, after an hour or so, I drove Brooklyn home & made sure that she got home safe. She was appreciative...and sent a few text messages saying so. She was a little tipsy but it's all in a day's work. I like being the designated driver because then I know that my friends get home safe. It really eases my mind. For example, the other night I was driving Bubbles home and I was being a smartass & said something that was construed as me being her chauffeur. "Oh, so that's how you feel about this? Like I'm just using you as my chauffeur?" "No, I like being your chauffeur. We have fun & you get home safe. Win-win." Besides, when you ask drunk people for gas money...sometimes they give you more than expected. Anyway, after that I talked to my brother for a few minutes (wife was camping at my mom's) then went to bed.

Today, I'm working late yet again. Really have NO idea what they're going to do when/if I change jobs. When I'm gone, who is going to work every holiday? Most weekends? Honestly, at that point, it's not my problem. Got a call from my buddy Airon today. He's sending me a wedding invitation for 8/8/08 and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to make it (really haven't seen him in a while) but we shall see. Now for some slightly morbid news...

Bozo Dies - Larry Harmon, who turned the character Bozo the Clown into a show business staple that delighted children for more than a half-century, died at his home Thursday of congestive heart failure. He was 83. Although not the original Bozo (that was actually Pinto Colvig, who voiced Goofy in 1946), Harmon portrayed the popular clown in countless appearances and, as an entrepreneur, he licensed the character to others, particularly dozens of television stations around the country. The stations in turn hired actors to be their local Bozos. "You might say, in a way, I was cloning BTC (Bozo the Clown) before anybody else out there got around to cloning DNA," Harmon told the AP in a 1996 interview. My condolences go out to his wife of 29 years, Susan Harmon, who indicated Harmon was the perfect fit for Bozo. "He was the most optimistic man I ever met. He always saw a bright side; he always had something good to say about everybody. He was the love of my life." That's great stuff right there. I can only hope that when (if) I pass, somebody would say stuff like that about me. Although clowns may be universally recognized as the creepiest things ever…you have to admire the people who portray them and bring smiles to children (and occasionally make them piss their pants in fear). So long Bozo!!!

Fun-eral Songs - At Centennial Park, the largest cemetery and crematorium in the southern city of Adelaide, Australia, only two hymns still rank among its top 10 most popular funeral songs: "Amazing Grace" and "Abide With Me." Leading the funeral chart is crooner Frank Sinatra's classic hit "My Way," followed by Louis Armstrong's version of "Wonderful World." Among other less conventional choices were "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" by the Monty Python comedy team, "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead," "Hit the Road Jack," "Another One Bites the Dust" and "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead." The Led Zeppelin and AC/DC rock anthems "Stairway to Heaven" & "Highway to Hell" rank outside the top 10, but have gained ground in recent years as more Australians give up traditional Christian hymns. Now, I've told my mom that there are a few VERY IMPORTANT things if (God forbid) she or anyone out there is in charge of my funeral.

There must be an open bar
I want a Jazz funeral kind of procession with upbeat music…or if a live band proves too expensive…then to just play some of my premade mixes like "Let's Get It On", "Funk Me Gently", or "Funk Me Again." I don't believe I've talked about the last one yet…but as you can guess, it's funky & upbeat.
In the pictures that will be displayed, along with the surprisingly few photos of me growing up, you have my permission to Photoshop my face on as many pictures as you want…as long as it gets a laugh. You could have me as the guy who knocked Sonny Liston out, the 5th Beatle, a tattoo on the small of Angelina's back (or newest on Megan Fox), cover of GQ magazine or some Calvin Klein underwear ad, superimposed on Tony Montana during the final shootout of Scarface, whatever.
Every eulogy or speech must start with "I remember the first time that I saw $teve's penis. It was that magical (holiday) in (country or major U.S. city) and we had a few too many to drink… (story continues from there)" I don't care if it's my grandma up at the podium. My will be done.
Also, every eulogy or speech must contain the words "chesticles" AND "schpedoinkal" at least once…and end with the speaker giving my wax statue a high five or handshake (be gentle though, I may be brittle)

There are a few others that I've forgotten over the years…but the point is that I don't want people to remember the way I died…but rather the way I lived. Trying my best to experience new things, help others, & just spread the Love. Just have a good time, it's a party y'all. Hopefully this won't be an issue for another 150 years or so…but you never know. They say that the good die young…and if Billy Joel sang it, you know it has to be true.

Wanna Be A Mushroom Guinea Pig? - Researchers at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore said Tuesday that the "spiritual" effects of psilocybin from so-called sacred mushrooms last for more than a year and may offer a way to help patients with fatal diseases or addictions. The researchers also said their findings show there are safe ways to test psychoactive drugs on willing volunteers, if guidelines are followed. Of the volunteers who took the one-day test of psilocybin, 22 of the 36 had a "complete" mystical experience, based on a detailed questionnaire. Griffiths said 21 continued to rate highly on this standardized scale 14 months later. "Even at the 14-month follow-up, 58 percent of 36 volunteers rated the experience on the psilocybin session as among the five most personally meaningful experiences of their lives and 67 percent rated it among the five most spiritually significant experiences of their lives." Now, I've never experienced mushrooms based on mixed testimony from people who shall remain nameless…but I do like the idea of this stuff being used to ease pain with fatal diseases & addictions. Well, wouldn't this just replace the addiction? Well, as long as mushrooms are better than heroin or something, I guess it's okay. Anyway, keep an eye on the classifieds in your area for the chance to help experiment with these mushrooms, I guess. Be careful out there though. Experiment in moderation…and with people that you trust.

Or Else This Might Happen - Lynne Rice of Norwalk drove her 1988 Cadillac into Joe's Food Mart and Video on Sunday evening, Los Angeles County sheriff's Lt. Jenny Ha said. The car plowed about halfway through the store but nobody was injured. Rice got out of the car, walked over to the cooler, pulled out a six-pack of Budweiser beer, and attempted to purchase it. Needless to say, the transaction wasn't completed, Rice was taken to a hospital for examination because she had a pre-existing medical condition, arrested for investigation of misdemeanor driving under the influence, and then released on $15,000 bail. Damage to the store was put at about $8,000. Always have a designated driver. You don't wanna be in one of these stories…and these are the good ones where nobody was hurt. They really only get worse in these circumstances. Be safe out there this weekend.

Anyway, that concludes the Public Service Announcement for the day. Sorry it was a little morbid...but that's just how the news was today. Man, the past few days have been kind of downers on this thing. My apologies. Maybe these will help cheer you up before you finish this.

Okay, I'm not going to lie...

This one's for me!!!

At least I've got tomorrow off. No plans or anything...but we shall see. Have a great, fun, safe weekend!!! Hope you all enjoyed the fireworks last night!!!

Thou Shalt Love the Tentacle

2008-07-04T12:56:00.007-06:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Happy Independence Day to all of you!!! Also, happy Anniversary to my dad & stepmom!!! (I think it's 11 years now...but it's not my job to keep track) Also, a happy birthday to Geraldo Rivera while I'm at it. He turns 65 years old today. His moustache is 62. Yesterday was an incredibly laid-back day. I basically ran a few errands before it reached 100 again...and then watched a "Burn Notice" marathon on USA the rest of the day while cleaning up around the house. Bubbles stopped by around 9:30 after spending the day with her sister & her family...and then we picked up her mom to hang out, have a few drinks, and watch "Bad Santa" starring Billy Bob Thornton. Great flick. Christmas classic...like "It's A Wonderful Life" but the exact opposite. That's really about it from yesterday. Around 1:30, I dropped them off, drove home, and went to bed.

This morning, I watched a movie loaned to me by the Mad Scientist called "Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs" recently released on DVD. Now, if you like Futurama, you'll greatly enjoy this movie. If you've never seen Futurama, you may end up scratching your head half the time...but it'll still get a few cheap laughs out of you. Basically, the story is set in the year 3000 (or so) about the lead character Fry (from the 20th century but cryogenically frozen and revived a thousand years later) and long story short, he's bummed. He fell in love with a girl...and found out she was a bit of a harlot. It happens. So feeling lonely & loveless, he strolls into an anamoly (tear in space into another dimension) and meets up with...an enormous tentacled creature who wants nothing more than to make love to all the beings of the Gamma Universe (ours) now that it's free for its isolation in the other dimension. Anyway, I do a poor job of summary...so feel free to check out the movie yourself. If you like cartoons geared at a demographic of ages 18-30, then you'll love it.

Today I'm working late, then heading over to a party that my buddy Brooklyn invited me to that's being hosted by her friend Boston. It should be a good time. Oddly enough, it was this time last year when I first introduced to a lovely young lady by the name of Megan Fox...and then just in time for Independence Day, I get news that...

Megan Fox is SINGLE!!! - Transformers star & Maxim Magazine's Hottest Woman Alive Megan Fox has reportedly called off her engagement to former Beverly Hills 90210 actor Brian Austin Green. The 22-year-old actress is said to have ended her four-year relationship with the 34-year-old because she feels too young to settle down. A source close to Fox said: "Megan still cares about Brian, but she now realizes she's too young to marry him." Now, obviously I think Brian Austin Green should be on Suicide Watch for the next few days...but eventually he'll get over it...because God damn it, he had a four-year relationship with Megan Fox...from legal to 22. By the way, he finished second in the Luckiest Man Alive nominations that I decided on St. Patrick's Day (losing out to NBA player Marko Jaric, who's now engaged to Adriana Lima) but anyway, he'll be fine. Megan will also be fine...in fact, apparently she's been fine as frog's hair since the day she was born.

Now, do I think that I have a chance with her? Sure, but only if she knows what's good for her. If she's just going out to sow her wild oats (think about that for a minute...and try not to black out) then she'll probably go out with some douche who will treat her like sh*t and she'll think that all men are evil monkeys or something. Then a few years later, she'll look for a great guy like me (only better looking & richer). It's how most women are. Do I sound bitter? Well, I am a little bit. Feel free to prove me wrong. I've pretty much decided that I'm going to make a great second husband for some lucky woman out there. Only when they've been there, done that, got f**ked over, and now want to do it the right way. Then they're lucky enough to stumble upon a diamond like me. In the meantime, I'll just do the best I can, try not to get f**ked over myself, and wait for Karma to come back around. Anyway, best of luck to both of you, Megan & Brian!!! May you find the kind of Love that makes both of you complete and happy for ever & ever!!!

Teamless in Seattle - After years of discussion & lawsuits, the Seattle SuperSonics will move to Oklahoma City next season after reaching a settlement with the city of Seattle, ending the 41-year Seattle team history. The city of Seattle will be paid $45 million up front and Sonics owner (and OKC native) Clay Bennet will pay an additional $30 million in five years if the city is unable to secure another NBA team. That's $75 million...and the team's name and colors will remain in Seattle. Tell me that divorce isn't expensive...even with sports teams. The announcement came just hours before a federal judge was to issue a ruling in a lawsuit between the city and the Sonics over the KeyArena lease. The city had sued the Sonics to try to force the team to continue playing in Seattle through the end of the lease in 2010. So starting next year, the team owner has brought an NBA franchise to his hometown...and now they just have to come up with a team name & colors before the season starts around Halloween.

My suggestions from nearly a year ago still sound like good ideas to me. Don't remember? Well, here they are again...for your convenience (and hopefully a 2% cut from profits of this new Oklahoma City franchise's merchandise sales). Originally, the OKC Sonics would have worked because fast food chain Sonic's headquarters are there...but the team name has to stay in Seattle. So a close second in my would be the Bombers (unless it's still too soon, of course). Let's see what OKC is famous for. There's the warehouse district turned trendy shopping area called Bricktown...so the OKC Bricks? No, that's really bad for a basketball team. It's known as the 'Horse Show Capital of the World' so how about the OKC Horses? Or Clydesdales? There's that whole Grapes of Wrath Dust Bowl thing, so how about the Dusters? Anyway, best of luck to you Mr. Bennet. Congratulations on realizing your dream...and my condolences to the city of Seattle (psst, see if you can get the Clippers to move up there or something...because nobody cares about them in Los Angeles).

Also, speaking of team colors & whatnot, the ULTIMATE CHALLENGE is still on-going & awaiting your entry. The Great Mediocre Gatsby has already expressed interest & I can only assume is painstakingly overseeing every aspect of the Flag of $tevonia's design between projects ranging from space exploration to hallucinogenic pancake research. I'm curious to see what kind of incredible ideas you can come up with. You could be the next Betsy Ross or Ross Betsy and win the plethora of prizes.

Anyway, I hope that all of you have a wonderful 4th of July weekend with your family & friends. Be safe out there...and remember, don't drink & drive...and don't drink & light fireworks either. Let the kids do it. They're smaller targets & have faster reflexes. Have a great weekend!!! (Megan, call me)

It's just like the tattoo says, "There once was a little girl

who never knew Love until a boy broke her heart"

(then she called Dr. Mookie Love on his cell & arranged a rendezvous)

HOLLA!!!

MORE COWBELL!!!

2008-07-03T09:42:00.004-06:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night after meetings, I went over to Filly's house and basically we played Rock Band, watched some South Park (yes, including Guitar Queer-O), and ate pizza. It was good clean wholesome fun...except for Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. Other than that, not really much to tell. Today, I have the day off so I was going to get some stuff done around the house...then Bubbles is in town, so we'll probably hang out & have a few drinks (shocking, I know) but really no plans or anything. She does know that I work Friday & Saturday nights though...and she's a little bummed...but she'll get over it...and I'll be off at midnight. Well, according to the Classy & Fabulous Katie's blog, today is Air Conditioning Appreciation Day, Compliment Your Mirror Day, and Independence Day...for Belarus. I've already complimented myself in the mirror (every day in my world), going to appreciate the AC in my car, and congratulations to the Belarusians. Enjoy the sweet savory taste of Freedom. Anyway, here's some real news...

Panda Update - South China may get its first panda breeding centre, taking over some of the animals driven from their home by last month's powerful earthquake in the country's far southwest. The Xiangjiang Safari Park in Guangzhou, capital of Guangdong province, is applying to the State Forestry Administration for permission to breed the endangered animals. "The park has all it takes for panda breeding ... with the state-of-the-art infrastructure and our rich experience of taking care of rare animals like pandas, koalas and golden monkeys," said Zhang Delu, a park official. Currently only Beijing, Fujian province in the southeast, and Sichuan province in the southwest have panda breeding centres...and of course, the one in the Sichuan province was damaged by that May 12th 8.0 earthquake and millions in the area are homeless...so their attention is elsewhere. Best of luck, Xiangjiang Safari Park!!!

Madagascar 2: Marty & Alex Go to Amsterdam - Amsterdam police say 15 camels, two zebras and an undetermined number of llamas and potbellied swine briefly escaped from a traveling Dutch circus after a giraffe kicked a hole in their cage. The animals were back at the circus later Monday after being rounded up by police and circus workers with the assistance of dogs. Aben says neighbors fed some of the animals, which he said was a bad idea, but they were tame and nobody was hurt. Says police spokesperson Arnout Aben: "You have to imagine somebody rubbing his eyes first thing in the morning and saying, 'Am I seeing things or is that 15 camels walking past?'" See what happens when you shrink the Red Light District? The animals see weakness...and smell fear. "Ah-ha, they are intimidated by our styles once again!!! Now is the time to strike!!! Llama infantry, ATTACK!!!" "Yes General Jaffe (because seriously, what else are you going to name a giraffe?)"

Does the Earth Cry? - Astronomers have discovered that Earth emits an ear-piercing series of chirps and whistles that could be heard by any aliens who might be listening. The sound is awful, a new recording from space reveals. Scientists have known about the radiation since the 1970s. It is created high above the planet, where charged particles from the solar wind collide with Earth's magnetic field. It is related to the phenomenon that generates the colorful aurora, or Northern Lights. The radio waves are blocked by the ionosphere, a charged layer atop our atmosphere, so they do not reach Earth. That's good, because the out-of-this-world radio waves are 10,000 times stronger than even the strongest military signal, the researchers said, and they would overwhelm all radio stations on the planet. This flat beam could be detected by aliens who've figured this process out, the researchers say. The knowledge could also be used by Earth's astronomers to detect planets around other stars, if they can build a new radio telescope big enough for the search. They could also learn more about Jupiter and Saturn by studying AKR, which should emit from the auroral activity on those worlds. Now, when I listened to it, I thought it was a lot like the sounds from the Transformers movie (and probably was used for it) but there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of importance to it. If aliens were able to hear the noise, it would be like them hearing wind blow through the trees...only a LOT less calming. Then again, what if the Earth is talking to us...or aliens...and this is their SOS signal? Yeah, probably not...but I'm just trying to make this interesting to somebody else other than me.

Sherlock Holmes Movie - Speaking of things that may make the Earth cry, "Talladega Nights" trio Sacha Baron Cohen, Will Ferrell and producer Judd Apatow are re-teaming on an untitled Sherlock Holmes comedy for Sony Pictures. Cohen will play detective Holmes and Ferrell will play his assistant Watson. Inspired by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes tales, the plot is being kept under wraps but the article was quick to point out that the film has nothing to do with the proposed 2010 Guy Ritchie-directed Warner Bros. Pictures drama "Sherlock Holmes". Really? Wouldn't have guessed that with Borat playing Sherlock Holmes & Ron Burgundy as Watson. For some reason, I don't see Guy Ritchie getting involved with that. It may be a funny movie...but I'm still waiting for the announcement of the Will Ferrell biker movie costarring Martin Klebba.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. I'll catch up with you on INDEPENDENCE DAY!!! Fireworks, hot dogs & burgers, cold beers, and...oh yeah, 8 hours of work during primetime for that stuff. Why did I decide to work that shift? Honestly, I was planning on being in Vegas by this time, remember? Funny how things work out. Have a great day everybody!!!

The Next Step

2008-07-02T11:08:00.004-06:00

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday was an interesting day at work. Well, not really. I get frustrated about certain aspects of my job...and the only thing that can save me is my Mute Button when talking to people on the phone. Don't get me wrong, I like my job...and I do it tremendously. However, there are a few things that I don't like to do...and among those is repeat myself...a lot...and have to adjust to usual speech patterns to something that sounds retarded just so that you understand me Ms. Duluth Georgia. "Could you spell that for me?" Then they continue to use the four sounds that apparently in her deck of the woods constitute 26 separate letters in the English alphabet. "Ee, ugh, ee, ee, ah, ee, (slurp), ep." "I'm sorry...ugh, could you use it in a sentence? Definition? Country of origin?" So after ten busy hours of that...I wasn't in the best mood. So yeah, I like my job...but I wanna take the next step...in a new place like Vegas (even though it feels like Sisyphus pushing that boulder up the hill). Why take the next step? I've found from experience that just because you're a great f**k doesn't mean that you have to remain a porn star. Sometimes you wanna direct, produce, get the money as well as the honey, the next step.

Sometimes you just lose that feeling that you used to get by doing a fantastic job & being adequately rewarded. Sometimes you just need to try something new to keep your creative side satisfied. Sometimes you feel like the only reason you haven't moved on already is because you're quite talented at entertaining yourself & others with your delusionally optimisitic views...and you're just too damn lazy and/or afraid to make the move. Sometimes the money that you make is "good enough" for the work that you do. Slowly but surely, time goes by...and though you have many wonderful adventures along the way, you look back, and have to question decisions made along the way. Sometimes you sit at home some mornings and watch Samantha Brown travel through Latin America, Europe, Asia, and a bunch of other places that you haven't been (even a few that you spent a day at) and think "Why don't I have my own show on the Travel Channel?" I don't wanna be satisfied right now. I don't wanna be complacent. I want to have the Passion that I used to have when doing my job & not feel like I'm wasting my time for a fistful of dolla dolla bills y'all (Though when moved from fists to a pocket or bank account is nice to have around).

I want to try new things, see the world, make a few bucks along the way, spread the Love, do stuff that when I blog about it won't bore you to tears like my incessent bitching, and if it's not asking too much...maybe have a gorgeous nympho waiting for me when I get home. High goals? Well, when you shoot for the stars, sometimes you get the Moon. I believe it was the Taoist philosopher Lao Tzu (pictured riding a mechanical bull) who said, "Love is of all Passions the strongest, for it attacks the head, the heart, and the senses (and the groin)." By the way, is he related to "Art of War" author Sun Tzu? Maybe I'm just suffering from Love deprivation...and it's effecting my outlook of work. Maybe I'm just frustrated in oh so many ways so everything's getting to me (my God, it has been over a year). Oh well, at least Karma comes back around...and I do have great friends & family to keep my spirits up. For example, in the heart of my trying day at work yesterday, here's what happened...

As mentioned yesterday, we had visitors at work and they were giving away the fabulous prize of a $75 Gas Card (a little over a tank for Brandy or Baby) for filling out a quiz about their company. Took like two minutes to do, so I did it. About an hour later, I'm doing my job...and while maintaining a professional voice, am getting frustrated with a customer who doesn't understand that Georgia is a big state, not a city, so I need to know where within Georgia they were curious about...so when they weren't comprehending this, I used my Mute button and express my opinion of this person using a somewhat vulgar tone & language. I then notice a shadow over me...and there were a total of EIGHT managers (including the three visitors) standing behind me. Luckily, they were laughing a bit...because I'm charming...and they heard me continue to explain to the customer the geography behind my query. When that call was over, I apologized for the language...and they presented me with the Gas Card. YAY!!! I'm not fired...and I have a tank of gas in my hand. YAY!!!

After that, Brooklyn was working late with me...and had a brilliant suggestion to go to Green Street and have a few drinks after work and play Buzztime Trivia. So I stuck around work (though I wasn't getting paid) to hang with her for an hour & keep the late night crew entertained as usual...then we headed to the bar, had a few Red Stripes (special for $2 a bottle), I lost my ass in trivia (no movie or sports questions, mostly literature & obscure history), and then headed home. Good times. Gonna have to do that again sometime. See? Though I may feel a little bummed sometimes, I know that I have great people to cheer me up...and Karma comes back around, so I just have to keep up the positive thoughts...and then through the power of the Cosmos, my nympho will present herself...or you know, whatever Karma decides to give me...though if Karma's interested, I could make a list or something to help out. Anyway, here's some news...

Soccer Strikes Again - Spain's success at Euro 2008 hurt attendance at an erotic film festival which wrapped up Saturday in Madrid as its target audience (horny men a.k.a. men) were glued to their television screens to watch the national soccer team. About 15,000 people flocked to the three-day International Erotic Film Festival of Barcelona (FICEB), staged for the first time in the Spanish capital this year since it started being held in 1992 (remember those Olympics? The Real Dream Team?). Over 60 firms were represented at this year's edition of the film festival which featured live sex shows and an awards ceremony for different categories of pornographic films. Previous editions of the event, which features performances by buxom strippers and appearances by top porn stars, have drawn over 50,000 people. FICEB director Juli Simon blamed the lower-than-expected turnout on the fact that the festival's opening day coincided with Spain's 3-0 Euro 2008 semi-final win over Russia which drew a record Spanish television audience of 17 million. "Football is one of the few things that can compete with sex." Really? I mean...don't get me wrong, I love basketball...but given the chance to see the Spurs play even the 1972 Lakers...and get cockteased by Spanish-speaking porn stars, you can bet that 10 times out of 10 that I'm going to FICEB and offer some "mosca espanaya" if that's how you say Spanish fly in Spanish. Silly me took German in high school for some reason. As mentioned during my travels in Barcelona, Spanish is just sexy. For example, I watched "Pan's Labyrinth" in theatres last year & apparently I misunderstood a few things about the movie beforehand. "What the...it's in Spanish? Oh man, now I have to read subtitles. Holy Christ!!! Did that dude's throat just get sliced open? What the hell kind of kid's show is this? Oh my, now the mother is having a miscarriage or something & writhing in pain...moaning in Spanish...uh-oh. Why am I getting aroused by this? There's blood...and she's obviously in pain...but it's...just so sexy. This is gonna be really awkward when David Bowie & those Muppets finally show up in the movie."

Sexbot Update - Soft and squishy chemical robots will one day squeeze through tight spots then expand to 10 times larger, offering an advantage over rigid robots. Once a mission is complete, a chembot would biodegrade. The chembots could get into a building through a crack, for example. They could explore a cave or crevice and dismantle an explosive...or they might climb ropes, wires or trees. Another tiny idea: One chembot could pack a smaller chembot into a situation, then release it for even more minute explorations. Researchers at Tufts University in Medford, MA have received a $3.3 million contract from the U.S. Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) to build the soft automatons. ChemBots represent "the convergence of soft materials chemistry and robotics. It is an entirely new way of looking at robots and could someday yield great technological advantage for our armed forces," said Mitchell Zakin, who oversees the program for DARPA. You may be asking, "$teve, how does this constitute a Sexbot Update?" Well, according to this information, there may be inflatable sexbots (or sexbot parts) that can squish into tiny crevasses, nooks, and crannies...then expand...and eventually disintegrate. I don't want to go into incredible detail on this PG-13 blog...but sounds like a little something for the ladies may be on the way...or at the very least, the ability to collapse and conceal your sexbot into a small area of your home. We shall see in the future...for as the Amazing Criswell once said, "We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friends, future events such as these will affect you in the future."

Anyway, that'll do it for me today. Meetings at work today...then I have Thursday off, which is awesome...because then I work late on Friday & Saturday to celebrate the holidays. It should be fun though. I'm sure that I'll make due. Have a great day everybody...and if I don't see you by then, have a great 4th of July weekend!!! YAY AMERICA!!!

Smokin' Cigarettes & Watching Captain Kangaroo

2008-07-01T08:52:00.009-06:00

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, the work situation keeps getting ever so deeper...as it appears that the next time I'll be able to certify will be in August some time...then I can apply (if the job's still there), then they can take a few weeks to call me back, then when they realize that they've wanted me for a while now...they offer me a job, I move down there...if I choose them over the originally intended employer, who may be hiring again by that time. What does it mean? I get to miss the Vegas summer which isn't all that bad...but it also means that it's going to be a total of six months for this single guy with a great work ethic & not a whole lot of attachments just to get a job in Vegas. Thanks Bush!!! How many days do you have left?

Last night, I decided to add a little treat for my fans...by adding my little playlist thing from my MySpace account here so that you have some merry tunes while reading my gibberish. It's not a complete list of awesomeness...but it has some classics, some hip-hop, and Richard Cheese & Lounge Against the Machine, which is always goodtime lounge music. Also, if you're wondering how to change the track (or just turn it off), it's on the right sidebar towards the bottom.

Luckily, I got off work a little early yesterday...but couldn't go straight to sleep as intended because my house was too hot. So I turned on the swamp cooler, turned on the TV, and watched "Love Potion No. 9" starring Tate Donovan & Sandra Bullock (and Adrian Paul as an Italian car company owner & Dylan Baker as Prince of England briefly). I really like this movie...because it's quite ridiculous & funny for an early 90's romantic comedy. It's about a pair of scientists who meet up with a psychic downtown...and are given a special potion that when diluted & drank, will cause the opposite sex to fall in Love with simply by hearing your voice. They test it on monkeys first (of course) but it rings true...so they decide to test it out on humans...and oh yeah, it works. As probably guessed, the girl use it to get diamond necklaces & become a princess while the guy took it to the bars & sorority houses. Anyway, the guy then realizes that he loves Sandra Bullock (can't blame him) and it goes from there. I say check it out. It's a great cheesy funny heartwarming flick from the year of '92.

After that, I went to bed for about ten hours...and just woke up a few minutes ago. I'm over my sun sickness now. Long day at work today and we have a visitor so I have to dress up...but it's all good...because I look gooooood in a suit. Believe it or not. Anyway, here's the news...

Statler Brothers Honored - The country/gospel group The Statler Brothers have been inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame. The Statler Brothers were first hired as a vocal backing group by the late great Johnny Cash. They had their first hit in 1965 with "Flowers on the Wall." They had several more Top 40 hits through the 1970s and 1980s, including "The Class of '57," "Do You Know You Are My Sunshine" and "I'll Go to My Grave Loving You." Also, some of my other favorites include "Susan When She Tries", "Bed of Roses", and "Whatever Happened to Randolph Scott?" Harold Reid says the honor makes their career worthwhile. "It wraps up everything you did. Every song you wrote. Every performance you did. Every TV show. Everything that we did that made a contribution to the business. They looked at us and said thank you for the contribution. It doesn't get any better than that." Another great thing about these guys is that they dedicated their Greatest Hits album to their wives. Tell me that's not the sweetest thing ever. You won't hear about Motley Crue doing something like that. Congratulations to the Statler Brothers…and if you ever want to hear some of their merry ditties…all you need to do is ask.

Mini-Me Has a Sextape Now? - From wholesome music to celebrity porn, thus is my existence…and therefore my blog. Actor Verne Troyer (Mini-Me in "Austin Powers") has successfully shut down the distribution of a sex tape featuring him & a former girlfriend. The celebrity Web site TMZ posted a 25-second snipped of the video Wednesday, but pulled the clips down Friday evening after a federal judge granted a temporary restraining order requested by Troyer's attorneys. The ruling prevents any attempt by a porn distributor from taking orders for the full 50-minute video, and keeps TMZ from broadcasting any more clips. Troyer's lawsuit also seeks $20 million in damages and the return of all copies of the tape. TMZ reported that the video could fetch $100,000 from a porn distributor. Really? That's it? I think a more realistic number would be about a million if Mr. Troyer wants to distribute it. Honestly though, unless he's diving in there head-first and wiggling like a salmon going upstream, or his former girlfriend is Megan Fox, then I'm not really interested in seeing the movie. However, there is a niche market for that kind of thing. I've seen the Pam Anderson - Tommy Lee tape. If I had the opportunity to see the Kim Kardashian tape, I wouldn't turn it down (unless the offer came from somebody creepy). I've even seen little people in porn before. Even when you stop laughing, it still isn't sexy. I guess my point is…there are certain celebrities that most people WANT to see in sex tapes…and then there's Mini-Me, who a few people want to see. Mr. Troyer, if you don't want your tape distributed, then I say do everything you can to forbid it (call Kim Kardashian's dad, he has some experience in this field…and he got O.J. off) but if you want to make a few bucks…then don't settle for less than will satisfy you. Can't wait until I have a celebrity sextape. All I need now is celebrity status…and maybe a partner. That's what I'm waiting to see on TMZ next…is a video of somebody like Daniel Radcliffe masturbating or something. "Check out this footage of the Harry Potter actor's sextape…with himself. This was sent to us by a former stagehand who found this footage when Mr. Radcliffe thought he had found a solitary bathroom…but it was actually a set for a new teen comedy. The stagehand then compiled it into a ten-minute video using the various angles…and yes, the audio is excellent. Viewidus Erectus!!! Available at TMZ.com."

What Is It With Germans & Feces? - Wednesday evening, two women entered a farm in the northern village of Eberholzen and started to fill the stockings with manure to make what the article calls "Manure bombs." A police spokesperson said, "One of them slipped into the manure tank, right into the cow muck. The other one helped her out. We found their clothes in a field. One seems to have run off completely naked, the other in her underwear." Police said it was unclear what the women had intended to do with the "manure bombs," but added the incident could be linked to victory celebrations surrounding the Euro 2008 semi-finals on Wednesday evening, when Germany beat Turkey 3-2. "The women can get their clothes back from the local police station -- unwashed." Maybe blog reader Ruben (who is now a local celebrity after being in the local online paper with his new car) can shed some light on these seemingly ridiculous celebration methods…but wow, Germans really like poop. I've seen…er, heard of those videos on the internet. That ain't fudge. I've seen your Hasselhoff. Who is he to judge talent? Now you celebrate your soccer victories with these "Manure Bombs"? That's not the sweet smell of Victory. Actually…now that I think about it…it's really not that weird. Maybe I’m exaggerating a bit. However, if I were to do such an unbelievable things as exaggerate…why are the police keeping the clothes at the station? Unwashed? Either it's a clever ploy to draw out the fecafanatics…or somebody just likes the aroma in the evidence room.

South Beach is Awesome!!! - On Wednesday, police said that a "brothel bus" that detectives said cruised Miami Beach offering lap dances and drinks has taken its last ride. The sleek black bus cruised the South Beach neighborhood popular among tourists and club-goers, offering rides and unlimited drinks for $40. Riders were then offered oral sex for $100, according to Miami Beach police who impounded the limousine bus and arrested its operator early last Sunday. While aboard, undercover detectives (the lucky ones) said they found a fully stocked bar and several young women who stripped down to reveal G-strings stuffed with cash and offered to perform sex acts. Suspected operator Christine Morteh, 29, was arrested on charges of offering to commit prostitution, transportation for the purpose of prostitution and operating a business without a license. She was released from jail on $5,000 bond (50 BJs). I've been to South Beach a few times in my life…but I must have been hanging in the wrong area. Would I have fallen for the ride, unlimited drinks, and lap dances for $40 plus tips? You bet your ass I would have. BJ for a Benjamin? Probably not…but then again. Oh well, won't have to worry about that moral dilemma anymore…and probably a good thing…because if I were immersed in an environment where prostitution was mainstay, that would probably have a serious impact on my moral barometer. Oh, by the way, did I mention the Vegas situation already today? Don't know why that just popped in my head just now. Yup, looks like I did.

Happy July everybody!!! The year 2008 is already half gone. How's your New Year's Resolution list looking so far? Let's check out mine real quick.

Travel more...or at least as much - Yeah, still traveling

Find a good girl who likes me too - Sigh...

Have more sex...preferably with a woman nearby - Double sigh...

Pursue another part-time job...maybe as a late night radio DJ - Just trying to get another job in Vegas now

Play more basketball. I miss our times together - Don't believe I've picked up a basketball yet this year

Give more to charity & donate time, blood, plasma, sperm, hair, feces, whatever they'll take - Blood a few times & helping with a charity yard sale in a few weeks

Dance more...preferably with a woman nearby - I have the ability but not a lot of ballroom socials that I'm invited to

Swear less (now that my nieces & nephews are getting spongier) - I try...and kind of mute myself sometimes...which is really just weird more than anything

Should I swear off Mountain Dew or something? Like Lent? - I've been drinking MUCH less than I was & a lot more water

Nah, maybe just eat healthier...or cook more - I'm cooking a little more & eating more veggies and jogging when it's not 100 degrees outside

Remember JJ - Who? Just kiddin', I may be seeing her in a few weeks instead of seeing the metropolis of Cheyenne, Wyoming

Smack more asses (a.k.a. More forward with the opposite sex) - Eh, not really...

Drive my Baby more - Frustrated sigh...

Most importantly, make sure everybody out there knows how much I love & care for them - I think people out there have a good idea about it...without crossing that threshold of creepiness

That'll do it for today. Gonna clean up around the crib before I head into work. Have a great day everybody...and let me know how those resolutions are coming. Hopefully you've either kept them...or doing something that makes you happy. Peace!!!

Sabrina, Don't Just Stare At It. Eat It.

2008-06-30T12:28:00.011-06:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, I watched the latest episode of the Venture Brothers (love that show) then went to bed. I had a lot of errands that I needed to run...but really wanted to sleep in...because I needed some rest to get over this bug that I've had the past few days called heat exhaustion. However, if I slept in, that would mean that I'd have to do all of this running around in the heat. So I woke up around 7 AM and by the time I finished polishing my car & running around to get her registered & grocery shopping it was 10:30...and I sat down at my house...and basically passed out. Fifteen minutes later, Brooklyn texted me...but I was already feeling better with my Power Nap. I used to do those ALL the time when I was going to school & had an hour in between class & work...but it had been a while since I really needed one like that. It's also a good thing Brooklyn texted me...because who knows how long I would have slept? Anyway, now I'm at work...and have more stuff to do tomorrow...but I may just have to sleep in & postpone those plans another 24 hours. I needs me some sleep.

Just got into work...and found out why there have been some problems with the new job application. Apparently, I'm no longer certified to be a manager (though I've pretty much been one for the last five years) so I have to do another mass interview (3-4 other managers asking me questions) some time soon. Loads of fun...and it's really odd because I've applied for a lot of internal jobs where I work...and it was never brought up. Explains a lot. Anyway, enough of my bitchin', that's not what you came for. Here's some news.

Slick City Siblings - Sadie and Pyper Vance (brother's name is Bagger) have had just about enough of high gas prices. The sisters are still years away from being old enough to drive, but that doesn't mean the $4 per gallon price tag isn't hitting them as hard as anyone else. Why are they protesting? Their parents had to cut Cable TV to compensate for the cost of gas. The girls marched through downtown Monday chanting and carrying signs made from old campaign signs. "All of my mom's monny goes to the gas tank!" Pyper's sign read. Sadie carried a sign asking drivers to honk to lower gas prices — adding that her mom had to cut "cabel." You know…these kids really aren't aiding their cause. Sure, everybody already knows that gas prices are higher than usual…but they're really just speaking out on illiteracy when misspelling words like "Monny" and "Cabel" on city streets. Maybe it's a good thing that they don't have cable…so they can focus on their studies. "But $teve, it's summer vacation. What else are we supposed to do?" Read a book. Learn an instrument. Play (sigh) soccer. Mow the lawn. Do the dishes. Recycle. Chalk the sidewalk. Plant a garden. Get a job. Go cut me a switch. The possibilities are endless. I admire your spirit, Sadie & Pyper (Seriously? With a Y?) but perhaps you should focus your efforts elsewhere…like finding a solution to this whole gas dependency thing. We could use a fresh new perspective on the subject.

How Golf Should Be - Sure, I have my views about Golf…and have expressed them before. I want there to be a lot of stuff that makes it more exciting both for the fan & the player…but there are a lot of conservatives out there that don't share my view…and I respect that. Sure, high grass with booby traps & shoe-hungry wildlife may not be good for the safety of your shoes. Sand traps with quicksand may lead to lengthy delays as they try to free the golfer from a slow, painful death. Additional water hazards like sprinklers, class three rapids, shaky rope bridges, and alligators may not be necessary. Even your opponent being allowed to count to ten-Mississippi while you're teeing off…before he/she is allowed to tackle you…may seem a little extreme. However, I didn't even consider strippers until this story came out. At the Gold Crown Junior Golf Association tournament Monday, youngsters aged 7 to 12 were just finishing up their rounds when scantily clad women spilled out of a limousine. The women were part of Shotgun Willie's Charity Golf Tournament to benefit breast cancer (the sexy killer). The strippers were to serve as caddies to patrons of the strip club. A club manager said there were 144 golfers and 70 caddies. A woman told KUSA-TV the event drew curious questions from her children, who asked her why the men joining the strippers had water guns and why the women wore only their underwear. Course manager Evelyn Koch says the women were forbidden from going topless and that they were just flirting with the men. "I cannot tell you the girls didn't flash out there but it wasn't a free-for-all." That's what golf needs…partial nudity while raising money for a noble cause. My hat's off to Shotgun Willie's and their groundbreaking tournament. Because it doesn't matter what you shoot, everybody's a winner.

Twin Peaks - An American hiker stranded in the Bavarian Alps for nearly three days was rescued after using her sports bra as a signal. Berchtesgaden police officer Lorenz Rasp said that he helped lift 24-year-old Jessica Bruinsma of Colorado state to safety by helicopter on Thursday after she attracted the attention of lumberjacks by attaching her sports bra to a cable used to move timber down the mountain. "She's a very smart girl, and she acted very resourcefully," said Rasp. "She kept her shirt and jacket for warmth, but thought the sports bra could work as a signal." An Alpine rescue team, including five helicopters and 80 emergency workers, had been searching for Bruinsma since she went missing June 16 after losing her way in bad weather while hiking with a friend near the Austrian border. She fell about sixteen feet to a rocky overhang, where she spent the next 70 hours on the narrow ledge, sustained by water that she found by breaking into a supply box on the ledge. She badly bruised a leg and dislocated a shoulder in the fall, and the cliff was too isolated for her to climb free. "She did so well because she is in very good shape," Rasp said. "She has been training for a marathon (in the Alps?). Her goal is to finish in 3 hours and 10 minutes." Bruinsma told Rasp that she has scrapped plans to stay in Berchtesgaden to learn German and plans to return home to Colorado Springs with her parents. He said she still plans to run the marathon, if she recovers in time to keep training. Wow. Best of luck to you. Just goes to show ladies, taking off your bra may save your life one day. I'm pretty sure that was the moral of the story.

Did you say your name was Buck? - A New Mexico appeals court ruled against a man trying to legally change his name to "F**k Censorship" on Friday. Judge Nan Nash ruled that the proposed name change was "obscene, offensive and would not comport with common decency." Here's a little background on the applicant though. In 2004, there was a similar situation in which the court had to clarify the law when concerning name changes. In that case, it was decided that the man had the right to call himself whatever he wants, unless there's fraud or misrepresentation involved but once he seeks court approval for a name change, the court has the authority to turn him down on several grounds, including if the name is offensive to common decency and good taste. The funny thing is…that it was the same guy who then changed his name from Snaphappy Fishsuit Mokiligon…to simply Variable. Now he was trying to change it from Variable to F**k Censorship. Suddenly Frank Zappa seems like father of the year. I mean…I'm not 100% sure if Snaphappy Fishsuit Mokiligon was the name that his parents gave him…but if so, they need their breeding license taken away.

Ninja Makes the News - Public schools in Barnegat, New Jersey were locked down briefly after someone reported seeing a Ninja running through the woods behind an elementary school. It turns out the ninja was actually a camp counselor dressed in black karate garb and carrying a plastic sword. Police tell the Asbury Park Press the man was late to a costume-themed day at a nearby middle school. I mean…obviously it was a false alarm…because a real ninja wouldn't have been seen…until it was TOO LATE…then vanished without a trace. I truly wish there were more ninjas in the news…but then they wouldn't be ninjas. Real reason for mentioning this…was just so that I could put up a picture of a ninja.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Please have a wonderful day & enjoy the wonderful weather outside...but drink plenty of water...or else. Just kiddin'...but not really, be safe out there having fun!!!

Utah Arts Festival & Ingrid Michaelson

2008-06-29T10:09:00.015-06:00

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Thursday, I spent most of the day running around, getting stuff for my car so that I could spend today at my dad's fixing it up and getting it great for Vegas, so that I wouldn't have to worry about maintenance when it's pushing 120 degrees or something (and AC is a necessity). Then as the sun started to set, JL Clyde & I went to the Utah Arts Festival at the City & Country Building / Library area (remember Pride?) to see some art…and possibly purchase some. There were plenty of artists with paintings, pottery, pens, posters, spoken word, music of all genres, dance, and most importantly...gelato. Here are some pictures…

We may have a bug problem in Utah

if they appear to have brass exoskeletons

The City & County Building

I took this picture because it says "Sancho's Ass"

"Are you Sancho? No you are not...but I...am Sancho."

Stacey Board & her lovely folk music

You can't not like Belly Dancers

"Oh, so it's okay when a girl does it?"

Guess which one's the Joey Fatone of the group

Colosimo - "That's one Impressive Sausage."

They're playing an instrument of some sorts

Funky, jazzy music at sunset courtesy of Indigenous

This dancing old guy up by the stage was amazing

This band is called Insatiable

"Aw yeaaaah, it's time for a dance-off y'all!!!"

After the festival, we met up with our friend Filly who was working around Temple Square driving horsedrawn carriages and BS'd with her for a while (business was slow). When her shift was over, she drove us back to the stables (yeah, stables in downtown Slick City, who knew?) and then back home. It was awesome.

Meet Max

Yes, I am too cool for this ride

Don't fret, it's the Wingman letting me know he's in town

Friday, I did little else except work & ramble about the NBA Draft. Bubbles also found a bar in Vegas that she's going to take me to called Stoney's...and it has a mechanic bull with weekend bikini bull riding contests & seems like a decent cowboy bar. I'm a little excited for that...but yeah, still no word from Vegas on the new job.

Saturday, I spent the day at my dad's from 9:30 AM to 4:30 PM in the heat (and direct sunlight mostly) giving my car a tuneup, good polish & waxing, rethreading hubcaps (f**ked up by last guy that rotated my tires), and did I mention the heat...because that's kind of important. It was hot. Big thanks to my dad for helping me out!!! Don't know what I would've done without him. He's always there for me...and I'm pretty sure that why I'm there for my friends & family whenever they need something. We're both suckers. Anyway, there was about an hour break during that time where we drove around town to get parts for his Harley. I may have mentioned that he's going to Sturgis in a month or so...and you know, I was interested in going...but then he mentioned that the friend that he's going with is "in tight" with ZZ Top...so instead of just going to see them rock the Black Hills...he's going to get to meet them. See? Karma comes back around for him too. Awesome.

After that, I was absolutely exhausted...and probably smelled like ass...so I took a shower and was probably battling sunsickness...but after a few bottles of water & sitting down for about a half hour, I was ready to go to an inpromptu concert with JL Clyde. At the Avalon Theatre, the sweet melodies of Ingrid Michaelson were to be staged...and yeah, I only knew the one song of hers on VH1...but "The Way I Am" is a great song & I like that folky love song stuff with heartfelt lyrics. Yeah, sometimes that stuff can be really cheesy...but then again, they're not just about money, sex, & drugs (I know, lame) but about how they feel about other people...and those seemingly meaningless images & moments that mean so much in a relationship, always being there for them when they're in need, and just that connection between two people...and that's hot. Oh yeah...and Ingrid's really cute too...and I think Ingrid's an underused name nowadays like Gretchen, Ethel, and Harriett. Again, probably not a good idea for me to name children. Here are some pictures...

Hooker @ Cost? I thought it was a furniture place

That's great...because I'm tired of paying the middleman

Everybody was told doors open at 6 PM...

This picture was taken around 6:30 PM...

About 45 minutes before the doors opened

It took a lot of willpower not to mess with the instruments

Opening act Greg Laswell was awesome

Great heartfelt songs...and a slowed down

cover of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"

I am NOT joking!!!

This guitarist has inspired to do the following:

Learn a few chords on a guitar - Check

Buy a few collared plaid shirts & wear them - Check

Refuse to comb hair - Mmm check

Let facial hair grow recklessly - Could take a while...

Join a band named after somebody else - Openings?

Become sexy to chicks at concerts - We shall see

That chick in the Upper Mezzanine is totally checking me out

Ingrid Michaelson...and her smiley bass player

The Ukulele...is ALWAYS hot!!!

Her backup singer/guitarist Allie is hot too

Great show everybody!!!

Greg & Ingrid came back to do a cover of one

of my favorite songs ever, "Fools Rush In"

After the show, I was still battling feeling pretty bad despite one of the best concerts EVER so we got some Coke Slurpees and watched "Harold & Kumar go to White Castle." It was the first time JL Clyde had seen it...and as with everybody else that I've ever watched this movie with (almost as many as "Fifth Element"), she loved it. Then I slept for about eight hours...in some of the most comatose sleep I've ever experienced. I don't even recall any dreams or anything, just how comfortable my bed is...and oh my, is it comfortable.

Anyway, not much going on today except working all night & drinking lots of water...but my car looks amazing. Maybe I'll have to get some pictures when it's all completed (still some polishing because I didn't get it all done before it got too hot to even polish in the shade before it got baked onto the paint. I hope that you all have a great weekend!!! Go check out Ingrid Michaelson & Greg Laswell in your town, it's well worth the twenty bucks that tickets are...and even an hour wait in the sun when there was a miscommunication in the start time. They rock!!!

Basketball's Christmas 2008

2008-06-27T15:04:00.006-06:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, yesterday was the 2008 Edition of Basketball's Christmas, toys for tots style known as the NBA Draft. "Okay, first person in line step up, grab one present, then open it up back at your bunk. (Whistle blows)" but this still turns out to be kind of heartwarming in a way because you get to see the all the single mothers break down to tears when their baby gets drafted to play basketball and they know that a new house is on the way once the paperworks finished. Always gotta show Love for mama. However, I didn't see the draft. I went to the Utah Arts Festival during that time...but more on that tomorrow. Here's a brief yet important summary of the NBA Draft and some of the future stars...in my humble opinion...

1. Chicago - Derrick Rose - Guard from Memphis - I like this kid. He seems like a great guy. That being said, I don't think he's a #1 pick kind of player...at least yet. Now, I know that he's 19 and playing point guard...and he's from Chicago so that's what gave him the extra bump...and he's a good player now. However, I watched a few Memphis games last year...and he was nothing spectacular...until the NCAA Tournament. I mean...he was like the 3rd best player on his team for most of the year (behind Chris Douglas-Roberts and Joey Dorsey easily) then he had a great run in the tournament. He was the pick that Chicago had to make...but because he has great size & skills, I think that he'll be really good someday...just not right away like Chicago's hoping. Also, now the Bulls are going to have to get another big star via trading off their former point guard Kirk Hinrich and a lot of those mediocre forwards on their roster, maybe to get a center. Best of luck with that. Da Bulls!!!

2. Miami - Michael Beasley (right) - Forward from Kansas State - I think this guy is going to be great. He's also 19 but already seems to be able to hold his own in the NBA. Not sure exactly because it seemed like he was playing against less than worthy opponents...but that may just be a testament to how great a player he is. Everybody talked about the "attitude problems" that he had...but I have no idea what they're talking about...because have they looked at the NBA recently. Oh, did he say something conceited & cocky? Did he make a mistake? Hang out with the wrong crowd? He's 19. That stuff happens. I did the same thing at that age...and I was a good kid...with similar game but no team. He, Dwyane Wade, & Shawn Marion (if they don't tradehim) may be staples in South Beach for a long time to come. Perhaps another Celtics-like 30 game turnaround next year? Only if they stay healthy. They also drafted the guy that kept Derrick Rose from getting his NCAA championship, Mario Chalmers (#34) from Kansas for a long distance bomber. Great picks, Pat!!! Maybe you'll show up to half the game this season...

3. Memphis (from Minnesota) - O.J. Mayo - Guard from USC - Now, I was curious what O.J. stood for (suspected Orthell James being born a few years before the whole O.J. Simpson murder trial, more like when he was doing Hertz commercials & Naked Gun movies) but it stands for Ovinton J'Anthony Mayo. Easily the most original...and probably ridiculous name that I've heard in a while. I tried to figure out what it means (other than something that sounds odd) and the closest I can find is that it's Not Nivo backwards...and for some reason there's a J in front of Anthony. Regardless, this guy has a LOT of hype surrounding him...and he seems talented...but at least in the games that I saw, not worth ALL the hype. I hate to say it...but he brings back thoughts of another former guard from USC named Harold Minor. Remember "Baby Jordan" who won the Slam Dunk contest...and then disappeared? Don't worry, few do. Hopefully O.J. will prove me wrong. Also, through the trade that brought him to Memphis, the Grizzlies also acquired former All-Star & random 3-point bomber Antoine Walker and the future Mr. Adriana Lima, Marco Jaric. I think the couple will like Memphis better than Minneapolis. Things are already changing for the better for them since their engagement.

4. Seattle - Russell Westbrook - Guard from UCLA - Seattle had SIX draft picks to start the day...and honestly, picking Westbrook was a surprise that I wasn't expecting. I was certain they were going with Jerryd Bayless (#11) but that's why they make the decision. He's a great point guard who may not be a superstar...but will be a consistent defender & distributor to last year's Rookie of the Year Kevin Durrant for years to come. The Sonics needed...well, just about everything except a two-guard (Durrant) and I think they did a GREAT job by getting one of my favorite players from last year, D.J. White (#29) and also getting Sasha Kaun (#56). White is just a great, surprisingly good player who knew his role at Indiana, grab all the rebounds from your teammates misses & put them back in...and he did it well. Instead of college teammate Eric Gordon (#7), now it's going to be Kevin Durrant throwing up the "passes" to D.J. (Dewayne White Jr.). He's not the biggest guy...but he plays with heart...and I like that stuff. KAAAAAAUN is a seven-footer from NCAA champion Kansas who didn't play big minutes or anything...but you can't teach size & he can block shots and grab boards...which again are exactly what the Sonics need. He's apparently been offered a HUGE contract by a Russian team so he may opt for there (why he lasted to #56) but again, the Sonics had six picks...so it was worth a shot to get his rights. They actually got some other great talent with California center DeVon Hardin & 19-year old Spanish forward Serge Jonas Ibaka Ngobila...or just Serge Ibaka. The Sonics may be pretty good if they get all their young talent working together with last year's rookies Durrant & Jeff Green...and their few veterans too.

5. Minnesota (from Memphis) - Kevin Love - Forward from UCLA - My brother from another mother Kevin Love is going to the Great White North (not racist, it's just snowy up there) and I think it's great. As you know, I think K-Love is a great player and will make any team better. Great shooter, great passer, decent defender, breaks backboards, hit full-court shots, great fundamentals all around, and seems like a great dude. He's also a great compliment to emerging superstar Al Jefferson and the other players up there. Also, with the trade that got them Love, they also acquired sharpshooter Mike Miller and a solid rebounder Jason Collins (from the last set of twin centers to come from Stanford University a few years ago...but more on that later in the draft). Randy Foye, Corey Brewer, and Rashad McCants are great young talent too. They should at least do better than last year...when they traded Kevin Garnett away. Good luck, T-Wolves!!!

6. New York - Danilo Gallinari - Forward from Italy - Coach Mike D'Antoni has some BALLS!!! However, I like the pick for a few reasons. It's a win-win-win-win situation. First win, he was probably the best talent available despite being young (again 19) and having only played in Europe...also known as the big guys with funny accent, no-touchy league...and in the video of those games, he seems like a decent player with lots of potential...and you know how I like potential. Second win, coach D'Antoni played in that league with his dad, Vittorio Gallinari a few decades ago...so it's like doing a HUGE favor for an old friend. Third win, no matter who they selected with this pick...the Knicks fans were going to bitch & moan about it. It's just what they do...especially since Boston sports teams keep winning EVERYTHING...and they're not the most gracious winners. However, the Knicks tried to trade up to get a higher pick...but they have NOTHING to deal with. "Yeah, what are you going to give us? Quentin Richardson? The guy that married Brandy? Is he still in the league? Who the hell is Renaldo Balkman?" So no dice there...however, if he turns out to be "the next Dirk Nowitzki" like some people say, then he seems like a genius. Fourth win, if Gallinari turns out to be the next Darko Milicic...then the Knicks buy out his coaching contract in two years & he walks away into the sunset with millions of dollars...and retires to Lake Como. Sounds like a great choice to me.

7. L.A. Clippers - Eric Gordon - Guard from Indiana - I like Eric Gordon. I almost feel sorry that he has to go to the NBA's wasteland, the Clippers. He's a great talent that I watch...and he just seems to be the next Allen Iverson. He's scrappy, tough, talented, and basically throws up shots that you think have absolutely no chance of going in...swish. He's drawn a lot of comparisons to AI as well as Isiah Thomas (happens when you go to Indiana) but he's not quite there yet. However, I say keep an eye on him. As long as he can stay healthy, he has potential for great things...but being a little guy, you never know. Not sure if he can...or rather should, run the point like the Clippers are hoping...but we shall see. Not a lot of help on that team...but they also drafted center DeAndre Jordan (#35) who many thought would be a top 10 pick...until they saw him play...and realized that they were just basing that on the fact that he's big. Sad thing is...that nobody wants to play for the Clippers...and for good reason. Sure, I would play for the Clippers...but that's compared to my other options...which are to play for the Taylor 3rd Ward Seniors Church League. "T3 BABY!!! THIS IS MY HOUSE!!! Oops...sorry God, my bad!!! (Kiss to the skies)"

8. Milwaukee - Joe Alexander - Forward from West Virginia - I've only seen Joe play once this last year...and I was impressed. He seems like a great kid with fundamentals and a sweet mid-range jumper. The Bucks also traded to get All-Star forward Richard Jefferson to go along with current All-Star sharpshooter Michael Redd and emerging stars like Andrew Bogut (GO U!!!), Charlie Villanueva, & Desmond Mason. Their other pick was Luc Richard Mbah a Moute (#37) from UCLA and he's a pretty good player too. So they may not have a superstar face to the franchise...but an ensemble of B-list players that if they click...can do good things.

9. Charlotte - D.J. Augustin - Guard from Texas - Great point guard...but being around six-foot believe it or not is a little undersized. It's okay though...because the reason the Bobcats drafted him...was because the four players from UNC that declared from the draft decided to go back to school. Also, D.J.'s full name is Darrell Gerard Augustin, jr. Last I checked, that's D.G. Well, I guess the Darrell Junior thing works. Anyway, he should be a good fit for them and now Raymond Felton can move over to his natural position of undersized two-guard.

10. New Jersey - Brook Lopez (left) - Center from Stanford - The first real big guy of the draft...and one of the Lopez twins from Stanford (remember Collins mention earlier?), he may be the steal of the draft. Of course, he may also be the Spencer Hawes of this year's draft...but I think positively...and he really has no competition in the Eastern Conference to be a dominant center except Dwight Howard & KG. The soon-to-be Brooklyn Nets also traded to get Chinese superstar Yi Jianlian (who finally got his & his nation's wish of a bigger market than Milwaukee) and drafted Memphis' best player last year, shooting guard Chris Douglas-Roberts a.k.a. CDR (#40) so they could be pretty good. I say that about a lot of teams...but it depends on chemistry & health. I think the Nets stepped up though...and they also freed up some cap space so they can try to convince a LeBron or Gilbert Arenas to go to Brooklyn. I mean...think about it...Brook Lopez in Brooklyn. Add in the Chinese market, CDR, a possible new superstar, AND Vince Carter's already there. part-owner Jay-Z's got himself a great team...if not just from a marketing standpoint. "IT'S THE ROC!!! HOLLA!!!"

11. Portland (from Indiana) - Jerryd Bayless - Guard from Arizona - My prove to be the steal of the draft because I was sure that he was going to go at #4 to Seattle...but he joins a great team that just missed out on the playoffs in the West...along with last year's #1 overall pick Greg Oden who has yet to play an NBA game...but even if he does turn out to be the next Sam Bowie, he at least has a few good years in him & with a top young center AND point guard coming in on a decent team with emerging superstars like Brandon Roy & Lamarcus Aldridge, the Blazers could be a team to watch.

15. Phoenix - Robin Lopez - Center from Stanford - The other Lopez brother joins a team that is in transition with a new coach, a few personnel changes (possibly dropping Shaq?), and a lot of expectations. It's a good pick for Phoenix because it gives them a more mobile option at center with still great size...but I honestly think that his brother got the better deal in Jersey.

17. Indiana (from Toronto) - Roy Hibbert - Center from Georgetown - I was hoping that he'd fall a bit so that the Spurs could get him...but I like Roy Hibbert. He's big (and you can't teach that), he's got a few moves, fills the lane on defense, and the Pacers lucked out to get him.

23. Utah - Kosta Koufos - Center from Ohio State - Because Hibbert didn't fall, they went with the best available center who is actually a pretty solid player from THE Ohio State University. Little surprised that the Cavaliers passed on him at #19 but should be a decent player. Just in case, they also drafted a 7-1 Croatian center named Ante Tomic (#44) who I'm told has decent skills.

26. San Antonio - George Hill - Guard from IUPUI - Just in case you were wondering too, IUPUI stands for Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis...which seems redundant to me...but apparently he averaged over 20 points a game last year in college and if the Spurs picked him...he's pretty good. I mean...for the first time in a decade or so, they picked an American in the first round. Then again, last time was Leon Smith straight out of high school...and they traded him immediately. Oh well, we shall see. They also got a forward from Maryland named James Gist III (#57) a.k.a. JG3 or something. Is that Brazilian guy Tiago Splitter from last year going to play for them yet?

27. New Orleans - Darrell Arthur - Forward from Kansas - Projected as a Top 10 pick by many, then drafted by New Orleans at #27, then traded to Portland, then Houston, then Memphis...all on what was to be the greatest day of his life. It's a little sad to hear...but honestly, this guy's really good. There was a lot of concern about some alleged kidney ailment...but he's a seven-footer with great athleticism and skills...and now, a chip on his shoulder from 26 teams (including the Spurs for some reason) saying "No thanks...we're gonna go with this guy". Not only that...but because of the trades, he has specific teams (all in the Western conference) that said, he thinks these specific guys and/or future draft picks are a better fit than you. Honestly, I hope this guy goes on to be an MVP one day. He's already an NCAA champion. Perhaps the matching of him & Mayo will be something great for a long time. Oh also, on that whole kidney thing...he reminds me a lot of another guy who had a similar situation by the name of Alonzo Mourning...who can still find work after fifteen years in the league. Prove 'em wrong, Mr. Arthur!!! I'll be rooting for ya...unless you're playing the Spurs...or the Jazz because they grow on ya.

42. Sacramento - Sean Singletary - Guard from Virginia - My only mentioning specifically of the second round...because I think the Kings got a few good'uns in this point guard and also Georgetown's Patrick Ewing, jr. (#43) on back-to-back picks. Singletary reminds me of the great Mookie Blaylock and though Pat Junior isn't as tall or dominating as Pat Senior was, he's still a pretty decent role player that should fit well in the system...which is the key to most players drafted after...say pick number ten in the draft.

Anyway, that's about it on this draft. I'm sure there are more free agency, sign-and-trades, straight up trades, and stars coming from out of nowhere to come this year. I love basketball. I like to think that I know a thing or two about it...but it's all about how you play the game...and I wish all of these guys the best of luck...and congratulations on their big day. Since I'm on a sports kick today, I think I'll get a few other things out of the way...since most of you may have stopped reading already.

Becky Hammon - For those of you who don't know, Becky Hammon is an incredibly cute girl-next-door from South Dakota, who played at Colorado State, went undrafted into the WNBA, and now happens to be an amazing basketball player for the WNBA's San Antonio Silver Stars (formerly Utah Starzz...damn you Larry Miller) placing 2nd in MVP voting last year. Well, she wasn't even considered for the USA Olympic team in the upcoming Beijing Games...so she signed a big contract with CSKA Moscow (all the girls play overseas in the WNBA's offseason) and became a naturalized Russian citizen...and is going to play on their Olympic team. This apparently has caused some controversy because people (including Hall of Famer Ann Donovan) say that it's unpatriotic, all about the money, and I didn't think of it first...or something like that. I think it's great. I obviously have a bit of a crush on Becky (call me) but I honestly don't care if she wants to play for the Russian team. If she has dual citizenship & isn't breaking any rules, then I wish her nothing but the best...which would be a Silver Medal because I've got to root for the USA (Sue Bird & Diana Taurasi). Still, I think you're great...and Russia's lucky to have you...just please, please, pleeeease come back with a sexy Russian accent to go with that fantastic smile. I know you like to keep pretty elite company...but I think your friends'll like me. GO SPURS!!!

Ana Ivanovic Upset at Wimbledon - Top-seeded women's tennis player Ana Ivanovic was knocked out in the third round of Wimbledon today by 133rd-ranked Zheng Jie of China. Ivanovic, who took over the No. 1 ranking after winning the French Open earlier this month, slumped to a 6-1, 6-4 loss to the wild-card entry and doubles specialist. "It's a surprise for me," said the 24-year-old Zheng, who won the Wimbledon doubles title in 2006. "Thanks to Wimbledon, (which) gave me a wild card. I just tried my best and had to keep going, going." Now for the important part...whose shoulder is there for Ana to cry on? I'd like to offer my services Ana. Call me...or send me a plane ticket...even coach. I'm here for you. You're still amazing. Keep your head up & rest for the next tournament.

Odd thing, though I've babbled on about sports all day...and requested a few gorgeous girls to call me...but do you know who's going to call me...probably my mom, my dad, my brother, my sister-in-law, maybe Bubbles, a few text messages, and if anything...a call from one of the new draft picks...

Caller: "Yo dogg, did you say that Ovinton J'Anthony Mayo is a stupid name?"
$teve: "No, just that it's ridic...you know, maybe if I knew the context of it, it wouldn't seem so...uniquely peculiar."
The New O.J.: "Ovinton was the name of my mother's D&D elf character when she was in high school...and I love my mother very much. J'Anthony is a mix of my two grandfather & father, Jay & Anthony. What now, bitch?"
$teve: "Cool, I had a grandpa named Jay too. That's cool man. I'm sorry to criticize your name...but yeah, believe it or not, O.J. is still more marketable...and if I were CEO of Best Foods, I'd already have you selling your own special brand of mayonaisse. Hey, I'm looking into a new career, what do you think? Need another marketing guy? Are...are we cool now? Sorry about the whole name thing, I just didn't understand."
O.J.: "Yeah, we cool. Sorry dogg, I got somebody else for that stuff. They've had my back (and bills) for a few years now. Thanks though. Not just because of that stupid idea...because your brother Kevin saved me from having to end up in f**king freezing Minnesota for the next decade. Be sure to thank him for me, would ya?"
$teve: "Ugh...sure. Will do. We're ugh...tight like that."

Have a great weekend everybody!!! Pictures & stories from the Utah Arts Festival tomorrow...because today was a sports day. I only do one of these a year...so it's done now. Enjoy the next 364 or so posts. Peace!!!

My Love of Brandy

2008-06-26T10:11:00.004-06:00

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

So...how much do I love my Poor Man's Maybach, Brandy? How does one measure love? Is it a unit of volume...like liters of gallons sweat or blood spilled for her? Unit of distance...like how far you would physically go to make something better...or how far you'd travel with her (up to 210,000 miles now)? Unit of heat...need I say more with this heat wave going through Utah this past week? Well, since I didn't have proper measuring devices for those units, I think I'll just resort to the units of American currency that I've used this past week on her upkeep. Now, I realize that a lot of you pay hundreds of dollars per month on a car payment...but this is kind of a big deal to me...and keep in mind...that it would be a LOT more if I didn't have a great father, his great mechanic, and a newer car.

$350 - 6 months of full coverage insurance
$120 - Windshield
$350 - Air conditioning (a must for Vegas)
$180 - Fix steering wheel
$400 - Fresh new tires (Uniroyal Tiger Paws)
$100 - Safety, emissions, & registration
$100 - Tuneup (plugs, wires, belts, cap, rotor, etc)
$60 - Full synthetic oil change (every 3000 miles)
Grand total - About $1600 (and don't forget gas)

Sure, it's all needed...but still, hurtin' my pockets, son. It'll be like a new car though...and when all the work's done, I'll have to give her a good wash & wax so that she can bling in the summer sun.

NBA Draft Tonight - Basketball's Christmas 2008 Edition is later today...and my predication, a lot of trades...including the top picks. Why? It worked for the Celtics this year when they traded the #5 pick last year (Jeff Green) for a veteran (Ray Allen) and they ended up winning a championship instead of rebuilding. Don't worry, I'll save all of my insight & analysis until tomorrow when the draft is actually finished...but I think that my brother from another mother Kevin Love is being severely underrated in this draft...and just because he looks a little on the chunky side. I think he'll be a great player for a long time...and most mock drafts have him going around pick number ten. Keep your eye on that guy. More tomorrow...

Last night after running around, I met up with my mom, ordered up some Chinese food (still lots of leftovers), and get a few movies. The movie that I picked was "10,000 BC" starring Steve Strait ("The Covenant") and Camilla Belle ("The Quiet" & "When A Stranger Calls") and narrated by the great Omar Sharif. The story is...well, it's not historically accurate by any means...but it's about a tribe of mammoth hunters who are pillaged by a group of...I don't know, maybe Vikings...and they take a bunch of the people as slaves to unknown lands to the hunters. Yet because one of the girls taken is SUPER hot (and the prophecy says so), a small group of hunters go to save them. Along the way, there's African tribes, sabre-toothed tigers, giant moas (prehistoric birds that apparently act like raptors), the Egyptian pyramids, and a lot of other things...but as long as you are a master of disbelief & not history, it's quite the enjoyable movie. It's like a mix of "Apocolypto" and "Last of the Mohicans" (because it's mostly in English). It's a pretty good exciting flick.

The movie that we picked was "The Bucket List" with Jack Nicholson & Morgan Freeman. As you may have seen on the preview, it's about two elderly strangers who are about to kick the bucket, so they make a list of things that they want to do before that happens. It's a great movie with a few touching moments, a lot of one-liners from Jack, and a lot of trivial facts & narration from Morgan. I say check it out. It makes you think about the time that you have here & what you should be doing to make it better for yourself & others, a subject that I tend to think about a lot...but not do as much as I would like. Perhaps I'll have to put some thought into this & make a Bucket List of my own. I'll have to get back at you with that though.

One possibility may have already slipped away...as earlier this week, Adriana Lima was proposed to by her boyfriend Marko Jaric. Now, through the sweet power of delusion, I may think that I'm a better match than him...but as long as she's happy, that's what's important. Congratulations to both of you...and don't forget to invite me to the wedding. Can you imagine the lineup of bridesmaids? I wonder if they'll be wearing angel wings...and hideous seafoam dresses that look like something out of a sci-fi movie.

Well, that'll pretty much do it for today. More errands to run, more work on the car (and a few stops by the bank), going to the Arts Festival tonight, should be a fun little day. Have a great day everybody!!! Make the most out of it!!! Cross something off your Bucket List when you get the chance!!! Let me know if any of you want to go skydiving. I have yet to do that...and it's on the list.

My Mom May Have Wanted A Daughter

2008-06-25T12:55:00.006-06:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday I got off work a little early...so I spent the evening hanging with my mom...and looking back at it...basically being a chick with her. How you ask? Fish tacos, ice cream, chick flick, chick beer, cleaning my house, and redecorating my bathroom. Now to elaborate. When I got home, I called my mom...and she was shopping...for new towels, shower curtain, and a rug for me. That's what moms are for, I guess. She just kind of showed up with them...and so we cleaned the bachelor bathroom & set up the new stuff. After that, we went to get some dinner at Maui Tacos...and had some Mahi Mahi Tacos (pretty good) and a Chimichanga (also good). For dessert, Coldstone Creamery was next door, so ice cream.

Then my mom wanted to get her drink on...but the liquor store was closed (apparently an election day) so we went to the grocery store where the only option was premium malt beverages (the low-point ones) so we got some Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonades. Along the way, she had the BALLS to ask me if I had "27 Dresses" in my DVD collection. "Nope. I like (vagina). I mean...I did just have fish tacos for dinner." "I heard from my sisters that it was good. Can we get it? Pleeease." I'm thinking how I can let Fate decide whether we will watch it or not. "Tell you what. Do you know what Redbox is?" "I think so." "Well, if the Redbox at the grocery store has 27 Dresses, then we'll get it. If not, then we'll find something else. Better. Deal?" "Deal." Long story short, it was there...and the movie wasn't that bad...but it was a chick flick...through & through. All the formula characters were there - superhot lead actress who thinks she'll never find love because she's crazy, dream guy who's just dreamy and nothing else need be known, other girl who steals him away before lead actress can do anything about it...also happens to be her materialistic sister, slutty wisecracking best friend, other guy who comes in & is different...so steals her heart, a few predictable twists, and basically it's the "Wedding Planner" as a packrat with a slew of bridesmaid's dresses played by Katherine Heigl ("Knocked Up"). If you like chick flicks, check it out. It may warm your heart...or make you a bitter single heterosexual man realizing that he's spending a night watching chick flicks with his f**king mom...and you may die a little inside...but just a little.

This morning, I drove around to pick up parts for my car to get it registered & fixed...and this involved the annual pain-in-the-ass that is safety & emissions. I went to the grease monkey habitat (sorry, I try to like them...but then this stuff happens), they ran the tests, and come back with the usual spiel. "Your emissions were fine...but I couldn't pass you on safety." "Go on." "Your serpentine belt looks like its just about to snap, so I couldn't pass you there. Also, your steering wheel is REALLY loose like this (starts shaking violently like a monkey on an electrified banana tree)." "Oh...well, first off I don't drive my car like I'm testing a jet...so I don't even notice it...and secondly, the serpentine belt isn't part of the safety test...but I do have a new one in my passenger seat that will be replaced by this weekend." "Well that's good because you've fifteen days to blah blah blah..." Now, my dad has this mechanic by his house, El Tigre (shameless plug) that I may just have to take it too...because it's just ridiculous. My dad & I are going to pop open the steering column and check it out (might just be a loose bolt or something) but yeah, worst-case. Despise mechanics...yet can't do a lot of things when it comes to cars...but I'm learning. At least on pre-computer cars I can hold my own...just lazy.

Slowly but surely, I'm trying to grow as a person, become independent, self-sufficient, experience what life has to offer, meet new people, learn new things, date when the planets align, live on my own, now move outside of my comfort zone to a city that's the complete opposite of what I'm used to. However, sometimes I find it hard to motivate myself to do anything...especially when it involves just me. I'm a pretty easy going guy. Okay, EXTREMELY easy going guy. The thing is with this growth comes some growing pains...mostly just frustration & hard-learned lessons like...

You can't save somebody who doesn't want to be saved

Liquor before beer, you're in the clear

Learn when to say no

You can negotiate with a terrorist...but not a woman with cramps"

There's still plenty of lessons for me to learn...but little things like this tend to really piss me off...because if I want to drive a car, I have to put up with these mechanics, who I know are going to screw me over. If not knitpicking, they'll make something wrong. It happened last year with my Baby. "Can't pass ya because your wipers don't work." "They worked yesterday when it rained." Magically, the wiper fluid pump no longer worked. Surprise. So after fighting the urge to land an overhand right haymaker on top of his skull, I suck it up & buy a new pump (special order because the car's 40 years old) and replace it. Another lesson learned. Don't go for the convenience. Go for a good mechanic who won't try to screw you over. Now if I can just learn when to say no, how to get rich off the stock market, and how to find a good woman who wants me. Maybe tomorrow...

Cleaning Everest - Speaking of lofty aspirations, China is looking to clean up the northern side of Mount Everest due to a half-century of climbers leaving debris. Everest's 29,035-foot peak — the world's tallest — lies on the border between China and Nepal, with climbers providing a large source of income for both countries...and in true fashion, this leads to damage to the fragile ecosystem because of all the oxygen tanks, tents, backpacks, corpses, and whatever else left along the way by climbers. The high altitude, deep snow, icy slopes and thin air make it difficult for climbers to carry anything other than the necessities down the mountain once they reach the summit. The Nepalese government has tightened its laws, and climbers and their guides are now required to carry out gear and trash or forfeit a $4,000 deposit...but China doesn't do anything like that...and about 90% of visitors go to the Chinese side in Tibet. This cleanup project should be interesting...because I suspect they would have to send climbers or sherpas or Tibetan prisoners to clean up after climbers...so it seems a little ridiculous. I mean, they leave the stuff there on the mountain...because the conditions are so harsh that they can't bring it back the first time, right? Anyway, best of luck to you China!!!

Jeannie Script Problems? - For a while now, they've been trying to make a movie based on the TV series "I Dream of Jeannie" about a man who stumbles upon a lamp (or perfume bottle or vase or something) and out pops a superhot genie. However, it's proving difficult to turn this into a 90-minute comedy or set it to our politically correct times. Apparently, calling somebody "Master" is now racist and/or sexist. Five previous writers have tried to write scripts and now the sixth is Rita Hsiao who made the Disney classic "Mulan" about a female warrior princess. She's also written "13 Going On 30" and "Enchanted" so this may be a really lame chick flick when it's all said and done. You may be asking how I would rewrite this movie. I wouldn't. It's already been written...when it was a TV show.

Summary: Astronaut (played by Jim Carrey?) crashes near a deserted island and finds a genie in a bottle (played by...who the hell cares? I just want to be the guy doing the auditions. "Could you say master again...sexier?") and of course...for some reason he doesn't wish for all the usual stuff like billions of dollars, his own island, and a herum of brainwashed supermodel cooks. We'll say he's a nice guy & doesn't want to take advantage of her or something. Then his buddy finds out about the genie and tries to steal it, gets thwarted, and they live happily ever after. You could even have a neighbor lady as the genie's slutty friend...who doesn't know she's a genie...probably thinks she's a niece that moved in & dresses uniquely...but she's into Kaballah or something, so she understands. There's also the gags of the Air Force psychiatrist guy trying to find out if he's crazy or not...which is why Jim Carrey would rock. Anyway, if Rita's script doesn't work out, give me a call. I'm cheap...and will take care of casting too.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Still no entries for the National Flag of $tevonia...but it has only been a day. Have a great day everybody!!!

Be the Next Betsy Ross or Ross Betsy

2008-06-24T10:00:00.006-06:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

RIP George Carlin: Patron Saint of Comedy - Legendary comedian George Carlin died Sunday because of heart failure. He was truly one of the greats. If there were a Mount Laughmore, he'd be one of the faces up there…along with guys like George Burns, Bob Hope, and Red Skelton. His social insight & controversial views make us look deep into ourselves and find humor in even the most horrible things…while at the same time, brainstorming about ways to better our world. Sure, he's most famous for his "Seven Words" routines or his cameos in Kevin Smith movies…but he's a great man…and the world's less funny without him. Rest in Peace, playa. Sorry to start out on a downer…but it had to be noted.

Work was okay last night...and I didn't mind being kept a little later than usual...because I got a late night call from Bubbles because she was having fun...and it reminded her of me or something. Nice. See? Stuff like that makes my whole day. Just knowing that somebody was doing something and thought, "I wonder what $teve's up to. Probably something crazy. I'm gonna find out." Also, my mom's crashing at my place for a few days (she has meetings in town) but because of my work schedule, I won't see her that much...except waking her up in the morning because she doesn't wake easily...because I hate to say it, but she may seriously be losing her hearing. It's all good though. Love that she's hanging out.

Forvik Independence - In international news, another nation has declared its independence from one of the chief members of the United Nations. Possibly inspired by the people of Kosovo, the owner of a tiny island off Scotland declared its independence from the United Kingdom on Saturday, saying he wanted the territory, population one, to be a crown dependency like the Channel Islands. In a declaration on his Web site, 65-year old Stuart Hill, who owns the 2.5 acre island of Forvik in the Shetland Islands in the North Sea, said he no longer recognized the authority of the government or the European Union, and cited a centuries-old royal marriage dowry deal as the basis for his claim. Hill has lived in the Shetland Islands on the edge of the Atlantic since 2001, when his boat capsized there during an unsuccessful attempted to circumnavigate Britain. He is Forvik's only resident, and his home is a tent on the storm-battered island. He says on his website that he plans to create Forvik's own currency -- the "gulde" -- print his own stamps and raise his own flag. Hill said he had written to the Queen offering his services as "steward" and recognizing her as head of state. "I also invite anyone from any country in the world, who supports these aims, namely to become free of liars, thieves and tyrants in government, to become a citizen of Forvik."

Ballsy!!! I like it!!! Kudos to you, Mr. Hill. Nay, Lord Grace Chancellor of Forvik, Stuart the First. I like it a lot. You've gone a little Cast Away on this small, cold, rainy island…possibly befriending a volleyball or something…and you want people to visit. Were I a Scottish native in the vicinity, I would certainly stop by to say howdy. Besides, what are they really going to do? Send in the British Navy to overthrow him? I would assume the Queen would find it comical. "Oh my, he lives in a tent with shrunken ponies. How adorable! We shall give him stewardship." Step one. Then he puts his face on some money, establishes flag with the Glasgow Rangers logo in the middle surrounded by the phrase "If it ain't Forvik, it's CRAP!!!" possibly in Latin, and print a few stamps with pictures of redheads downloaded from the internet. Of course he has the internet. He posted all of this on his website, remember? Now he can talk with the BBC or some less-reputable television station (VH1?) and set up the reality show to find his "Queen of Forvik" and they can have Shetland pony races, rock tossing, romantic fishing trips across through the craggy reefs of the North Sea, all the good stuff you come to expect from those shows…maybe even a haggis wrasslin' match with plenty of neepes & tatties for everyone (they're turnips & potatoes, I swear…but they sound so much better as neepes & tatties). It could be great. Besides, what kind of a pick-up line would it be to say that you're a Duke or something like that when you go to the mainland for supplies? A great one.

If I had my own sovereign nation…or rather some kind of principality that completely dependent upon the infrastructure of another nation but they gave me my own spot on the map because I'm cool like that, what would I name it? Loveland? Eccentricia? Funkatron? Goonie Gu Gu? $tevonia? If it were an island, I think I'd go with the Isle of Love…or if landlocked, Nipplopolis. Okay, that was on Norbit…but it does have a ring to it. We'll go with $tevonia…and the best part is…because of the money symbol, it'll be the first country listed on most computer lists. Boo-yah!!!

The Ultimate Challenge

The National Flag…shall be a challenge to all you wonderful Photoshop masters out there ready to flex your skills & receive an Ultimate Shout-Out (hint to BSUWG, Mediocre Gatsby, Bone Junior, and all the other talented artists out there). Now, many of you have been patrons of the blog for a long time…and it's greatly appreciated…but allow me to give you a few ideas that I had in mind…and some other key things that may need to be included in the design of this flag...but this is all about creative expression...so feel free to go wild.

Colors: The world is your pallet. Go Bob Ross on it!!!

My Initial Idea: A Panda must be involved, possibly wearing a crown & perhaps some royal bling…but not too much. In one hand he (and it is a he) holds a mighty scepter with a fortune cookie atop the phallic symbol…and in the other, a hotchuma hotchuma sexbot. Surrounding them is a heart…possibly radiating…for this is a land of Love.
Other Possible Additions: Bacon, Elvis, Jesus, Pancakes, Basketball, Batman, something Vegas, Zombies, Ninjas, Dinosaurs, any of the dozens of beautiful actresses, athletes, and other female figures mentioned on this blog repeatedly…and any combination of the aforementioned…such as Zombie Ninjas or Jesus Pancakes

Extra Credit: I'm thinking one of those cool effects that show things moving when you see it from different angles, like a baseball card where the player swings might have to be involved. In that case, you'd be able to accentuate the radiating heartlight, have the panda boogie (cuz gangstas don't dance, we boogie), have the sexbot drop it like it's hot, and an array of other cool effects…all while grabbing attention as the flag blows in the wind at the UN building.

The Grand Prize includes:

The Ultimate Shout-Out: Usually reserved for the most Loved of Loved Ones, Hottest of the Hot, Toughest of the Tough, and those who gets me laid…WELL!!! (and/or repeatedly)

The Ultimate Compliment: Your award-winning artwork will be displayed on my new blog…that I'm apparently going to have to start about the time I move down to Vegas because I'm running out of memory with all my pictures of adventures, nieces, nephews, and whatever else is on this thing. Where on the blog? How about…TOP BILLING??? Welcoming visitors to $tevonia…and establishing yourself as a National Treasure.

The Ultimate Promotion: Ever wanted to be a Duke? Princess? President? Pope? Knight Bachelor? Goddess of Light? Bringer of Destruction? Name your title…and it shall be yours. When visiting the land of $tevonia, you shall be greeted with all the respect & fanfare possible on the budget of this modest two-bedroom nation.

The Ultimate Business Card: Your face on the national currency of $tevonia - the coinage is called Lovies, and the foldin' money is called Funkies. "That'll be five Funky and twenty-seven Lovies." "Do you have change for a Mookie (slang for 100 Funky)?" I'll even offer you the Abe Lincoln treatment…where you can be on a Lovey AND a Funky.

The Ultimate Deadline: Entries must be turned in by the time that I move to Las Vegas…which at this rate may be several YEARS from now…but more realistically, the next few weeks…maybe a month. My fingers are crossed…and punctuality will score you extra brownie points towards your cause.

I really look forward to entries. I'm always amazed by the incredibly clever & amazing things checking out your blogs...and now, I'd like to display some of that on my blog...since I have little artistic talent myself. Be one of the Founding Fathers (or Hotties) of this new sovereign nation of $tevonia!!! Future generations will write songs about you. That's right. I'll write a song about you, singing your praises if you so wish. It's going to be awesome!!!

Busy day at work today...so that's going to do it. Have a great day everybody!!!

The Weekend That Was

2008-06-23T16:51:00.006-06:00

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Saturday, I was at work when I got a surprising offer from JL Clyde & Filly. Apparently, JL Clyde wasn't feeling well…and they had bought tickets to an Ani DiFranco concert at the downtown library…so they had an extra ticket. Now, I had heard great things about Ani DiFranco from them as well as Camb and basically any other lady that knows anything about music…but I really couldn't hum a tune or anything like that. In fact, if I were asked, "What kind of music does she do?" My response would be something along the lines of "Angry hippie chick folk music…but allegedly really good angry hippie chick folk music." So I was planning on going to the concert on short notice…because why not? Well, about a half-hour later, I get a call from Filly…and another one of her friends called her back…and was really excited about going to see the concert…so I said, "You can take them instead if you want. I'd rather a fan of her music go than somebody like me." It really was no big deal to me…and I'm sure that I made somebody's day…offering something that really wasn't even mine to begin with. So I was feeling pretty good from that.

About an hour later, a coworker of mine, Nate Dogg, comes up and has a bit of a problem. He's had to leave work a few times over the past few weeks because his son has been sick…and he had just received a call from his wife…so he needed to take his son to the hospital since he had the family's only car. But if he just up & left again, he may be fired…and he's a cool cat, great worker, and amazing asset to the company…just had a bad few weeks. So I see my opportunity to step in & help out. "Dude, don't worry about it. I'll take care of your hours…and you just get your son to hospital." "Really? Dude, thanks. I'll make it up to you. If you ever need hours picked up or anything, just let me know." Then it struck me, "You know, I may need somebody to help me move in a few weeks…and all my other friends are either petite girls or have bad backs." "Done. Just let me know when, man." "Sure…but first thing's first. Go home…and let me know if you need anything." "Thanks man." He's a cool cat…and I was glad to help him out. I just got a letter from his wife (via him) a few minutes ago thanking me…and his son is doing better. Karma's coming back around now…because now I have somebody to help me move…in my time of need. It's awesome how that stuff works.

After work, I decided to just head straight to my brother's house and hang out there…with his family, all three kids, my buddy Isaihia, his fiancé, his two kids, and my 15-year old twin cousins C & T. It was a full house…but we had fun, watched a few movies, played in the sprinklers (oh yeah), and just had a good old fashioned summer funtime. Sunday was more of the same…but I wasn't feeling well all day…and my brother & sister-in-law decided to throw in some drama because they're both hormonal…but eventually I got out of there…and got to see the nieces & nephew in the meantime. I didn't take my good camera…but here are some cell phone pictures from the weekend.

Kelaudri feeding brother Vinny

For all my Battlestar Galactica fans...

About the time I got home, I got a text message from JL Clyde saying, "I just got rear ended!" I immediately called her, "So…was this a concentual rear ending?" "(Laugh) No, the non-sexy kind." "Oh, so the automotive variety? That sucks. Are you okay? Do you need a ride or anything?" "No, I'm okay. It wasn't that bad…just some scratches on my backside." (Confused, contemplative silence on my end) "Again, the non-sexy kind." "Oh okay. Well, glad you're okay. Drive home safe." After that, I just slept, woke up today, and basically am working on getting my car fixed up & ready for a move (tune-up, AC, new tires, etc.) and it's going to cost a pretty penny…but it could be worse. That'll be my project for the week…between work shifts…and preferably once the sun's down…because it gets hot midday. Anyway, that was my weekend. Hope yours was funner (it's a word).

Also, I found this cool website on Jlee's blog where you put in your birthday and it tells you all this stuff about your birthday. For example, I put mine in…and it comes up with stuff like…

Your date of conception was on or about 3 August 1980 which was a Sunday

You were born on a Sunday under the astrological sign Taurus.

Your Native American Zodiac sign is Beaver (tehehee); your plant is Wild Lover…er, Clover.

Your Life path number is 4 - which upon further investigation means "The Life Path 4 suggests that you entered this plane with a natural genius for planning, fixing, building, and somehow, with practical application and cerebral excellence, making things work. You are one of the most trustworthy, practical, and down-to-earth of individuals; the cornerstone members of society. if you are among these highly talented people, you have an idealistic nature which is grounded in practical terms, allowing you to conceive grandiose, far-reaching schemes and carry them through to the end. If you desire and are willing to work for it, you can achieve enormous success, prestige, and fame. You have the kind of will power that is often mistaken for sheer stubbornness. You don't think of yourself as dogged, but your honest beliefs and that ever direct speech makes you come across as completely unremitting. Loyal and devoted, you make the best of your marriage, and you are always the good provider. Friends may be few in number, but you are very close to them and once friendships are made, they often last a lifetime. The negative side of the 4 can prove dogmatic to an excess, narrow-minded, and repressive. A lot of skin-deep people turn you off, and you lack the tact to keep your feelings from being totally clear to all around. Additionally, the negative 4 has a bad tendency to get caught up in the daily routine of affairs, missing the big picture and major opportunities that come along once in a while." So yeah…but there's also other cool stuff like…

Your birthday in a half dozen other calendars like Hebrew, Mayan, and Islamic.

I was also born on the Orthodox Easter that year. Not sure what that means…probably nothing

As of 6/23/2008 6:33:47 PM EDT
You are 27 years old.
You are 326 months old.
You are 1,417 weeks old.
You are 9,920 days old.
You are 238,098 hours old.
You are 14,285,913 minutes old.
You are 857,154,827 seconds old.
Coolest thing from that, my 10.000th day will be on September 11th this year.

Your birthstone is Diamond
The Mystical properties of Diamond - Diamonds are said to increase personal clarity to help one see things clearly as well as be straight-forward and honest. Supposedly, the higher quality the diamond, the better it is supports these qualities.

Your birth tree is the Walnut Tree, the Passion
Unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egoistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromises.

So yeah, a bunch of stuff…please feel free to check out the link and check out your information. Let me know what ya think. Anyway, that's gonna do it for today. Gotta get back to work. Have a great day everybody!!!

ABC's of $teve

2008-06-22T22:49:00.002-06:00

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Been a busy little weekend (sort of) but I'm a little tired tonight after spending the weekend at my brother's...so I'm going to do one of these quick quizzes that Alisa tagged me on...and because she's awesome, I'll do it. Oh...and because I like to talk about myself. I'll catch you up on the rest tomorrow.

Complete the ABC's of you. Then, each player tags 3 people and posts their names, goes to their blogs and leaves a comment letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog and copy the tag to theirs.

A- Attached or Single: I'm assuming this is in regards to my dating situation & not something anatomical. In that case, Very Single.
B- Best Friend: Bubbles - Sure, I've had friends for much longer...but we don't call each other everyday like Bubbles & me
C- Cake or Pie: "Oh, I says the damnedest things. Last night when I was runnin' game, I said 'Baby, can I cut your Cake?' Oh, can I have it my way? Don't I deserve a break today? Them buns, I like the way ya bake."
D- Day: Payday is usually my favorite
E- Essential Item: My sense of humor & perspective...because it helps everybody I meet
F- Favorite Color: Blue
G- Gummy Bears or Worms: No thank you...
H- Hometown: I claim Eden, Utah as my hometown...but live in Slick City...and may be moving to Las Vegas soon. Ask me when I have a real home of my own. Right now, it's where the heart is.
I- Indulgences: Las Vegas & Sarcasm
J- January or July?: According to my calender, it's still June...but I'll say July because that's when Dark Knight comes out. Both months have their charms.
K- Kids: None that I know of...but hopefully some days. Luckily, I may not have the opportunity to name them.
L- Life is incomplete without: Passion & Love - Without them, what's the point? Share it whenever you can.
M- Marriage Date: 13/13/69 - Like the combination to my luggage
N- Number of Siblings: One younger brother Kiel (and sister-in-law Ashley), one stepbrother Rumpelstiltzchen, and three stepsisters with cute kids
O- Oranges or Apples: Apples...because they make better pies
P- Phobias or Fears: Man, it's been over a year since I did one of those fears things. Whenever I find that I have one, I try to overcome it. Now, if I could only get over my fear of a three-way with a Brazilian supermodel & an American Gladiatoress. Can anybody help me out?
Q- Quote: "Sex is like Chinese food. It ain't over 'til you both get your cookie." - Confucius...and why Bubbles calls me Cookie...and I'm no longer asked questionairres like this by my workplace
R- Reason To Smile: Being Alive & Loving (It could be worse...)
S- Season: Summer...because if I move to Vegas, I won't have a choice
T- Tag Three: Since Alisa tagged me (you rock, by the way), I'm going to tag $teve's other Angels - JL Clyde, Bone Junior, & Pirate Monkey...because they leave comments sometimes...and I'm pretty sure JLee did this last month. Comments are much appreciated!!!
U- Unknown fact about me: Good question. Don't really have secrets. My legendary focus & discipline may be unknown to most. For example, I didn't masturbate until it was doctor's orders when I was 18 and I was a virgin until well into my 24th year. Not that you really care...but there it is. Judge me if you must.
V- Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animal: "Animals are here to serve two purposes...to be delicious...and to fit well." - Jesus
W- Worst Habit: I say "Your mom" entirely too much...even when it doesn't make any sense...and then to cover I'm forced to use "That's what she said" and then I usually have to use a smoke bomb to make a Ninja Vanish before I'm attacked by criticism
X- Rays or Ultrasounds: X-Ray vision would be sweet...and not just so that I could see rockin' tatas...but I would use my powers for good too...you know, for like checking out bombs & stuff, right? Like airport security. "She's smuggling drugs!!! Dibs on the cavity search!!!"
Y- Youngest or Oldest?: Oldest & Best
Z- Zodiac Sign: Taurus - According to Wikipedia, this means that some of my positive characteristics are disciplined (see U above), good sense of humor, great work ethic, artistic, loving, romantic, strong, sexual, trustworthy, stable, calm, tenacious, easy-going, patient, honest, resourceful, and faithful. The bad side is that I'm stubborn, opinionated, overindulgent, and overly self-conscious. Apparently, I'm compatible with earthy signs like Capricorns (Jesus, Elvis, & Vinny...think about that for a second), Virgos (Mickey & the Mad Scientist), Pisces (Kelaudri), and Cancers (brother Kiel & Bubbles). Interesting...

Anyway, have a great night everybody!!! Catch up with you tomorrow. Sleep tight!!!

Man Who Catch Fly With Chopsticks Can Accomplish Anything

2008-06-21T11:44:00.009-06:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, I watched one of my favorite 80's movies. It's the philosophical coming-of-age story about a Jersey kid who moves to sunny California, gets harassed by punks, befriends his maintenance man, who also happens to be a martial arts master…and former restaurant owner on "Happy Days", is taught the sacred traditions of this man from Okinawa, and falls for my first crush…Elizabeth Shue. I'm talking of course…about "The Karate Kid" with Ralph Macchio & the late great Pat Morita. Now, some crazy people out there have told me that they consider this a sports movie…and that simply isn't true. Karate is not a sport…it's a way of life. There are plenty of life lessons taught throughout this movie…and anybody who knows the deep, philosophical meaning of "Wax on, wax off" can appreciate it. However, I still find myself liking the Cobra Kai mottos more…like "Strike hard. Strike first. No mercy." or "There is no pain in this dojo" or "Sweep the leg." Does that make me evil? No, of course not. Also, just out of curiosity, am I the only person in the world that sings along during the tournament montage? "YOU'RE THE BEST…AROUND!!! NOTHING'S GONNA EVER KEEP YA DOWN!!! YOU'RE THE BEST…AROUND!!! NOTHING'S GONNA EVER KEEP YA DOWN!!!" Probably. Anyway, great flick…and I watched it last night…and told JL Clyde about how I wanted to be like Daniel-son when I grew up…a ninja who was bangin' Elizabeth Shue. "You're young. There's still a chance." "True, I've already got the ninja thing down…and she may be 44…but I'm still willing." She's also married too…and I respect that (call me Liz).

This morning, my sister-in-law called me up and we talked about my brother's upcoming birthday, my nieces & nephews, Pride (apparently she wants to go to the parade next year), and my hopefully impending move to Vegas. Apparently, her goal is to make it down every three months or so…but that's awfully $teve-like in scope…and she doesn't have my financial backing nor the irresponsibility to do something like that. She's got those babies to look after…and not just my brother…so we'll see. I told her at the very least that I'd get her into the Adult Entertainment Expo if she came in January. She liked that idea…as did I…as would anybody. Other than that, nothing much really going on except work today…so here's the news…and a Movie List.

Victoria's Secret Weapon - Macrida Patterson, a 52-year-old Los Angeles traffic officer, told NBC's "Today" show that she suffered cuts to her cornea from a small piece of metal that had been used to secure a rhinestone heart onto a blue thong that she bought at Victoria's Secret. So she is suing them. "I was putting on my underwear from Victoria's Secret and the metal popped in my eye. It happened really quickly. I was in excruciating pain. I screamed. That's what happened." Now, before the thought of a 52-year old cop in a blue thong with rhinestones makes you want to tear your own eyes out, try to see it from her perspective. Actually, never mind. I'm just going to look at the new summer lines on the website and forget this ever happened. How dare you try to take money out of my Adriana's perfectly shaped pockets…that I assume she wears when in temperatures below seventy degrees Fahrenheit. Hmm, where do Victoria's Secret supermodels keep their money…and driver's licenses? That's a thought for later tonight. Hotchuma Hotchuma!!!

Monument to Enemas - A bronze syringe bulb, which weighs 800 pounds and is held by three angels, was unveiled at the Mashuk-Akva Term spa in the southern Russian city of Zheleznovodsk Wednesday. The Caucasus Mountains region is known for dozens of spas where enemas with water from mineral springs are routinely administered to treat digestive and other complaints. Alexander Kharchenko, 50, said the monument cost $42,000 and was installed in a square in front of his spa. "There is no kitsch or obscenity, it is a successful work of art. An enema is almost a symbol of our region." If that is true, remind me never to go to there. A banner declaring: "Let's beat constipation and sloppiness with enemas" — an allusion to a line from "The Twelve Chairs," a famous Soviet film comedy — was posted on one of the spa's walls. Quite possibly the worst poop joke ever. Sculptor Svetlana Avakina said she designed the 5-foot-high monument with "irony and humor" and modeled the angels on those in works by Italian Renaissance painter Alessandro Botticelli. "This device is eternal, it will never change. We could promote this brand, turn it into a franchise with souvenirs and awards for medical doctors." That's slightly better than my idea of making a bronze statue for my memorial upon my untimely death…where three angels would hold a large, fully-loaded scrotal sack and ask passerbys to cough. Now there's a beautiful image. At least I know that one sculptor would be willing to do it…for about $42,000 (or about 18 trillion rubles). Now for a Movie List...

Gary Oldman Movies - Minus "Fifth Element" because I talk about it too damn much

Medal Winners

Gold - Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992) - Sure, most people know Gary Oldman as the best Villain actor EVER (that's right, I said it) if not just a badass. His role as Dracula though…made him the Ultimate Villain Badass. He basically carried the movie. Think about it. It's a great movie, can we agree on that? Okay. Done. Cool special effects? Okay, there were a few interesting things with the effects…but it's a supernatural movie. What else pushed it? The performances by Winona Ryder? Keanu Reeves? Cary Elwes? Anthony Hopkins in his five minutes of screen time? Monica Bellucci as hot vampire #3? (Hmm, perhaps…) NO!!! It was THE Gary Oldman…with a Romanian accent, I think. Some die hard Dracula fans thought this movie was horrible…but kudos to director Francis Ford Coppola for having the sheer testicular fortitude to turn it into a Love story…with vampires, nudity, and questionable casting calls. I personally love this movie…and laughing whenever Keanu opens his mouth.

Silver - Immortal Beloved (1994) - I've seen this movie twice this week. Once because I hadn't seen it in a while…and again because I had to show JL Clyde it. No complaints. The composer Ludwig von Beethoven (Oldman) has died…and the man handling his affairs stumbles upon a letter addressed to his "Immortal Beloved" whom he leaves all of his possessions. Now, the man must question those who knew Beethoven to find out who this mysterious woman (or man) is. Great (hot) performances are also given by Valeria Golino & Isabella Rossolini as former lovers…but yeah, it's Gary Oldman at his finest. Again, it also makes me want to learn how to make music…because chicks really dig that stuff. Apparently, talent & passion is very sexy. Best line in the whole movie though - While teaching his student (Golino) to play the piano, "Your lack of passion is unforgivable. I shall have to beat you." Slaps her hand…and within a minute of screen time, she's lying in her bed post-coitus. That's the Maestro!!! Anyway, check it out. Don't be scared of the R rating either. I honestly have no idea why that is. Yes, there's about three total seconds of boob & side-boob…and a Chancellor says "sh*t" in a comical tone…but that's it. PG-13 at most…even back in the early 90's. Oh…and the soundtrack is awesome because it's Beethoven…and the scenes of him as Dying Ludwig only convince me more than Gary Oldman would be perfect to play Benjamin Franklin in a biopic. Make it happen Hollywood!!!

Bronze - Leon, the Professional (1994) - Another bad guy role in this shoot-em-up classic starring Jean Reno and a jailbait Natalie Portman, directed by Luc Besson. It's the story of a professional assassin (Reno) who looks after a young girl (Portman) and they become the most unconventional of friends. She starts to admire his profession…and he teaches her to be independent and becomes her father figure…but then other killers are after him…led by Gary Oldman. Great shoot-outs, explosions, French, kids with guns, pure badassery. Gary Oldman may not get enough screen time…but he makes up for it with being creepy. See it if you haven't already…since I recommended it on my Shoot-Em-Up Movie List.

Suggestion - The Scarlet Letter (1995) - Nathaniel Hawthorne's book brought to the big screen with Gary Oldman as the sexy reverend…and Demi Moore as the object of his affections…or was it the other way around? I forget, it's been a few years…but allegedly there are some really hot steamy scenes. Speaking of which, he allegedly was in "Henry & June" (1990) starring Fred Ward, Uma Thurman (his wife at the time), and Maria de Medeiros…but I don't recall him being in there. Again, it has been a while though. Maybe it was a cameo or small role…like being Lee Harvey Oswald in "JFK" (1991) and a white Jamaican pimp in "True Romance" (1993). Love Gary as a pimp. Check it out if you haven't already. Great flick. Also, great bad guy in "Air Force One" (1997) starring President Ford. "Get off my plane!!!"

Flush It - Lost In Space (1998) - It's not Gary's fault that this movie sucked. The fact of the matter is…if Matt LeBlanc is in your movie, it's going to suck. Period. No exceptions. Look it up. Go ahead. Google it. See? Anyway, it's the movie adaptation of the popular sci-fi TV series from the sixties starring William Hurt, Heather Graham, Mimi Rogers, and jailbait Lacey Chabert (hence why she's pictured instead of something to do with the movie). Of course Gary's the evil (and possible pedophile) Dr. Smith…because he's Gary Oldman…and they paid a lot of money. Save your time & money…and watch "Fifth Element" instead if you want sci-fi Oldman.

Future Watch - Dark Knight (July 18th) - Less than four weeks until Batman is FINALLY back in theatres. Want to see this movie so bad I can taste it (and it ain't sweet). Gary Oldman plays Commissioner Gordon (or I think Lieutenant in this prequel) but I just wanna see this movie. Loved "Batman Begins" (2005) and hopefully this will be more of the same. I'm also told that I must watch "Sid & Nancy" (1986) because this is allegedly the greatest performance of Gary Oldman's career…so some day I'll have to check that out. He's also playing a part in the adaptation of "A Christmas Carol" (2009) that's going to star Jim Carrey as…well, everybody. Scrooge, the Ghosts, probably Tiny Tim. There's also a supernatural thriller being made called "Unborn" (2009) where he stars as a spiritual advisor to a young girl (Odette Yustman) who is tormented by the soul of a boy who died during the Holocaust. Should be intriguing.

That'll do it for today. Tomorrow I may be heading out to hang with my brother's family on my day off (since everybody's got the day off this weekend) so I may have more pictures come Monday. Just a head's up. Thanks to everybody out there reading this for being awesome…and have a great weekend!!!

Work Party & Huka Reggae

2008-06-20T11:42:00.008-06:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

As promised, here are some pictures from our work party at Hollywood Connection Wednesday night, courtesy of JL Clyde…but none of Laser Tag or the after party...because that's how we roll...like Vegas...

Mini Golf to start

Pictured are Brooklyn & Camb, with Lilie hiding

Captain Monty advertising for either

Polo shirts or Spiced Rum

Look at the crystal clear blue water...

but DO NOT let it touch your skin

The motorized clam was broken...but Alta's always helpful

Dinosaurs are always cool

ALTA!!! Don't feed the caged dinosaurs!!!

There's a reason they're caged!!!

The Mad Scientist plays & livesby his own rules...

which usually involve sarcasm, big sticks, & curry

"YAY!!! SKEE BALL!!!"

"Oh, it's broken..."

Captain Monty & me racing Quads

Boss Lady J prefers Hogs

"Ladies, that's not how you play"

"DIE YOU ZOMBIE NINJA SCUM!!! GET SOME!!! GET SOME!!!"

Air Hockey - Lilie vs. the Mad Scientist

It was a good, close game...but Science wins again!!!

The Imagination wanders...and the Pallet salivates

So yesterday, I just wasn't feeling it. The whole day at work, I was just going through the motions, updating my resume, and basically just doing what needed to be done…and that's it. Not my usual valiant effort to make everybody's day. I didn't know why. Figured it was just a little malaise from staying up until 2 AM driving home drunk people the night before and not getting to sleep until 3 AM or something. So what did I do to cheer myself up? Called Bubbles on the way home, got her voicemail, and left a cheery message along the lines of "HOLLA!!! HWHAAAT??? HWHAAAAAT??? YEEEEEEAAH!!! OKAAAAAY!!! Yeah, it's Cookie. Gimme a call. Bye." About twenty minutes later, I get a call back from her…and she said exhaustedly, "You knew that I was having a bad day, didn't you? You were probably feeling horrible all day too." I was caught off guard. "Yeah, pretty much. What's wrong? Are you okay?" "I'm in the ER because I was having migraines again & decided to find out what was going on. Your voicemail made my day. HOLLA!!! HWHAAAAAT???" "Well, I figured you could use some cheering up. I needed it too." "We just always seem connected that way, don't we?" It's true. I don't know if it's because she's a High Priestess or something…but we can usually sense when the other's having a bad day & we're always there to cheer them up…even if over the phone or something. It's weird…but hey, it works. Also, just so you know. She's doing better today & is back to work and everything. She's got some medication…and hopefully she won't have any more migraines.

After talking with Bubbles (and basically telling her to get some sleep & call me tomorrow), JL Clyde & I met up to head to the Huka Lounge to see Alisa's husband's band Slow Ride rock it out on a Thursday night. They did not disappoint. We got there right around 9 PM and we were already struggling to find a seat…but we did end up getting a couch…and a few Evolution Ales. About twenty minutes later, we met up with Alisa herself and caught up on all the new motherhood happenings & just relaxed to the soothing sounds of reggae. Her husband even dedicated a remake of one of my favorite songs of all time, Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight" to her…and she obviously loved it. Great song.

This kind of led to a question posed by Alisa, "What're the songs that turn you on?" She went on to explain it more specifically as songs that you hear…and then simply have to have someone to dance with…or more. Apparently, this might be a girl thing…because those two ladies had answers off the bat…whereas my response was "I have songs that I associate with great moments and certain people and stuff like that…but honestly, ANY song that is, I don't know, sung to me by a lovely lady…will turn me on." I don't know. Anybody else have songs that send them into a sexual frenzy? It's not really a song for me. Just a word - Yes!!!

By 10 PM, the place was standing room only with the young, drunken, hooting college crowd. The Huka Lounge is a great place. I'd go back there in an instant…but not as the creepy guy in the corner…so if anybody's interested in Reggae Nights (apparently Thursdays according to the valet) or whatever, let me know. It's a few blocks from my house…but we have to be there early. When we were leaving around 11:30, there was just as many people standing outside as inside…on a Thursday night. Don't they have school in the morning? Anyway, good times…and big thanks to Alisa & JL Clyde for going with me. It was a lot of fun. Now for the news...

Charlie Tuna Filleted - An 8-foot Monterey Cypress sculpture of beloved canned fish figure Charlie Tuna stood near the South Slough Bridge in Charleston, Oregon. That is…before two men swiped it last month. "We had planned to wait a little while and then leave Charlie in a random place in town where he could be returned unharmed," they said in an apology letter published in The World of Coos Bay…but someone tipped off sheriff's deputies, who started nosing around. Santos and Terry rushed to their hiding place and tried to move Charlie but the statue wouldn't fit in their truck. "We decided to chop him up so we could move him," they said. "This was not pre-planned." Really? You think? Deputies caught them in the act and charged them with theft and criminal mischief. Apparently the statue was almost hollowed out by bugs over the years anyway (insert your favorite rotten tuna joke here) but still, I think maintenance lady Mel Campbell said it best saying, "This was just a terrible, dumb, stupid prank that went absolutely wrong." A wake is planned Saturday at the town's visitors center. The Wild Women of Charleston and the Tuna Guys will offer musical moments. The remains are to be burned and buried at the center. Mourners are invited to share stories about Charlie, and tuna recipes. Sorry, Charlie!!! May you end up in the Land of Good Taste & Incredible Freshness…

4th of July: Sex & Drugs Celebration - Also in Oregon, a woman seen frequently in Ashland riding topless on her bicycle says she plans to be in the city's Fourth of July parade free and independent of all clothing but a hemp G-string. The Chamber of Commerce says that's contrary to the rules for the family celebration. She says she'll sue if she can't parade as she wishes. Jen Moss has been known as "The Naked Lady" since she moved to Ashland in May from Ojai, California drawn by the town's nudity laws. They specify only that people must cover their genitalia in a city park or the downtown commercial district, which means Moss need not cover her breasts. She says the police in California harassed her when she rode her bicycle wearing a G-string and pasties. I'll bet they did. I've seen my fair share of "CHiPs" episodes. Ponch would've done it. Anyway, she applied for a parade entry, was approved, then the C of C learned of her plans on an online posting promising that she'd lead in-line skaters "wearing only a hemp G-string and blowing a conch shell." Parade Chairman James Kidd said, "She's welcome on any other day of the year to do that but not on the Fourth of July while in the parade." City Council member & nudity enthusiast Eric Navickas thinks that it would be "an interesting commentary on our society that we're willing to tolerate dead bodies through our aggressive foreign policy from the war, but not healthy, naked bodies." I'm intrigued as to who will win this debate. Jen Moss & her healthy naked body with puff-puff panties & blowing a conch shell…or Jimmy the Kidd and his family values? Only time will tell…and about two weeks. By the way, I'm not sure if the lady pictured is Jen Moss (in fact, I doubt it) but I frankly don't care. A man can dream...

Iron Curtain, Concrete Skies - Russian air force planes dropped a 25-kg (55-lb) sack of cement on a suburban Moscow home last week while seeding clouds to prevent rain from spoiling a holiday. "A pack of cement used in creating ... good weather in the capital region ... failed to pulverize completely at high altitude and fell on the roof of a house, making a hole about 80-100 cm (2.5-3 ft)," police in Naro-Fominsk told agency RIA-Novosti. You have to admire a police force that can use terms like "pulverize completely" in an official statement. Love it. June 12 was Russia Day, a patriotic holiday celebrating the country's independence after the break-up of the Soviet Union and ahead of major public holidays the Russian Air Force often dispatches up to 12 cargo planes carrying loads of silver iodide, liquid nitrogen and cement powder to seed clouds above Moscow and empty the skies of moisture. The homeowner was not injured, but refused an offer of 50,000 rubles ($2,100) from the air force, saying she would sue for damages and compensation for moral suffering. I anticipate that he will disappear by next week and the KGB and/or Russian Mafia will have nothing to do with it. Going along with yesterday's news of the Chinese UFO, keep your eyes to the skies over there in Asia. You never know what's happening up there.

Well, that'll do it for me for today. I'm officially applying for that other job in Vegas…so wish me luck. Tomorrow, I work again…so I'm sure that I'll have something clever to type down…or maybe not. You know me. I'm pretty consistent with this thing…because I have no life. (Deep sigh) Have a great weekend everybody!!! Get Smart comes out today. Go check it out.

Electricity, Magic, Dead Presidents, & Aliens

2008-06-19T13:20:00.009-06:00

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday was a fun little out-of-work get-together with some of my favorite people in the whole wide world. Best part was…we were getting PAID for it. WOO-HOO!!! I won't go into any more detail until I get some good accompanying pictures from JL Clyde to go with these details…but it was a lot of fun…despite half the stuff at Hollywood Connection not working (including Skee ball). I'd also like to thank the Boss Ladies for sponsoring us…and Boss Lady D & her husband for hosting the after party at her house out in BFE. Also, big thanks to Big Bob & Lilie for covering for us while we were getting drunk (don't worry, I was a DD) and all the wonderful guests at the party for being awesome. Anyway, again more details when I gets me some pictures.

My mom asked me this morning if I'd accompany her on a work trip that's going to be about two weeks long. Normally, I'm more than willing to take two weeks off & travel the Earth with my mom…but it's for next month…and I have no idea what's going on over the course of the next few weeks…so I RSVP'd as a Tentative. Also, the destinations aren't exactly the most exotic in the world…but still not too bad.

Great Falls, Montana - Two days to see the "Electric City" (named so because of the numerous dams & power plants…if that's the case, just call it the "Dam City"). Even Lewis & Clark had to spend a month here during their historic journey westward in 1805. The least I could do is spend two days there…and witness the splendor of Giant Springs Heritage State Park, the Paris Gibson Square Museum of Art, the O'Haire Motor Inn, home of the Sip-n-Dip Tiki Lounge, rated #1 bar in the World by GQ Magazine (April 2003) and where they have a REAL LIVE MERMAID!!! Also, since my mom will be there on business, we may have to stop by the Malmstrom Air Force Base to see some Minutemen Missiles & a Huey helicopter that they have on display at the museum. Majestic mountains, mermaids, and missiles. What else could you ask for in a city?

Minot, North Dakota - Three days to explore "The Magic City" (still trying to find out why it's called that), the 4th largest city in North Dakota…to which I ask, what are the other three larger? I know one has to be Fargo. Isn't Bismarck the capital? I generally don't like cities named after German dictators since I spent a horrible weekend in Hitler, Idaho. That complimentary breakfast just didn't seem right. As far as attractions in the area, there's apparently a Point of View Winery about ten minutes out of town, the Roosevelt Park & Zoo (no pandas but penguins, tigers, and a river otter exhibit), an art gallery (probably modern), the Scandinavian Heritage Visitors Center, and I'm hoping that my mom can hook me up with seeing a bomber or something at the Air Force Base out there. That'd be sweet. I can also just drive north a few miles to the Canadian border. It's only a few hours to happening places like Saskatoon & Winnipeg.

South Dakota - During the weekend, we have three days open to drive from Minot to Cheyenne…and since we were in the area, we figured that we could drive to some of the wonderful sights of South Dakota like Mount Rushmore, the Crazy Horse Memorial, Jewel Cave & Wind Cave National Park, Deadwood, Sturgis, Black Hills National Forest & the Badlands in between, and whatever else we can fit in during that time. I remember going through that area as a kid (twenty years ago) and it was awesome.

Cheyenne, Wyoming - Not given one of those cheesy Magic or Electric city names, but Cheyenne is Sioux for "Aliens" which is kind of cool. So it may be "The Alien City" but in the way of "The Foreigner City", not the "The Extra-Terrestrial City". Foreigner rocks!!! This city may be the toughie. We have four days in the capital of Wyoming (which I always thought was a W) and the list of attractions include botanical gardens, a bison ranch, a steam engine, mini golf, carriage rides, a cemetery, a lot of Western stores, and 8 foot tall painted boots scattered throughout the city. Not sure what I was expecting from Wyoming…a state that I only know exists because it's about a two hour's drive away from Slick City to the border town of Evanston, where a young man can get more high point alcohol, fireworks, and porn that he knows what to do with…all at the same store. You know…so I'm told. I may just have to see how much a flight back to Slick City would be so that I can earn some money to pay for this trip. Then again, it's pretty close to Denver...and I did promise that I'd visit JJ there, so perhaps I'll have to make a stop in the Mile High City to say howdy. We shall see if this works out. In the meantime, here's some news…

Chinese UFO - Speaking of Aliens & flying saucers, a Chinese company called Harbin Smart Special Aerocraft Co Ltd has developed a prototype flying saucer that can hover in the air and be controlled remotely from afar. The aircraft is 1.2 meters (four feet) in diameter and is able to take off and land vertically and hover at an altitude of up to 1,000 meters. The unmanned disc is driven by a propeller and can be controlled remotely or sent on a preset flight path. Its top speed is 80 kilometers (50 miles) per hour, The company spend 12 years and about $4 million to develop the craft…and says that it's designed for aerial photography, geological surveys, emergency lighting, reconnaissance missions, and possible bombing of Tibet. Okay, the last two were made up…or were they? Keep your eyes on the skies, people. If I've said it once, I've said it thousand times, the Chinese are TOO nice to be trusted. Especially with this kind of extraterrestrial technology.

C*ck Lobster - A Brooklyn restaurant cook is accused of stealing frozen lobster tails by stuffing them down his pants. The Brooklyn district attorney's office said Tuesday that Raymundo Flores has been arraigned on misdemeanor charges of petit larceny and criminal possession of stolen property. Co-workers called 911 on Sunday to report a crustacean caper at the walk-in freezer at Junior's Restaurant. Police say they found lobster tails that Flores allegedly had hidden in his pants and in bandages on his legs. Petit larceny? Have any of these people ever purchased lobster at a restaurant? That's highway robbery. Maybe they sell it at a discount because it's been down the cook's pants…but still, petit larceny? It may have just been a way to battle the heat wave or something. It's like my Grandpa Love used to tell me, "Better Lobster than Crabs." He was a cool cat…who was a veteran of three wars…and apparently a lot of shore leave. Sad thing is…I still think lobster tails are excellent…even after this story. You may just want to wash them off before dipping them in butter sauce next time you're at Red Lobster or something. I can't seem to get that B-52's song out of my head now. What the hell?

Anyway, that'll end it for me today. Tune in next time, where I may have pictures from the party, maybe another Movie List, and who knows what else? Have a great day everybody!!!