Friday, February 29, 2008

Happy Leap Day

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

A Merry Leap Day to all of you!!! An occasion that only happens once every four years…like the Olympics…or remembering to water the plants. A day that rarely exists. I'd like to wish a very special birthday to Jeffrey Atkins a.k.a. Ja Rule, who will be celebrating his 8th birthday today. Supermodel and actor Antonio Sabato, jr. is celebrating his 9th birthday. Comedic legend Dinah Shore was also born on Leap Day. Anyway, other than that, it's just an extra day to pay rent…which is good because I took care of it this morning. This also marks my 250th posting in this blog since I started about ten months ago. Good times. Basically, I've just been running around all morning, now I'm back home doing laundry and packing for the San Diego trip starting tomorrow night. A big thank you to my coworkers Mickey and the Mad Scientist for helping me get Easter Weekend off so that I can have a great time in Vegas. Other than that, I don't really have much to say, so I'm just going to talk out of my backside about some news, if that's okay with you. Hopefully I won't cause too much of a stink. (Rim shot)

Wolfman Movie Update - Not sure if I've mentioned this one before…but they're remaking "The Wolfman" made famous by Lon Chaney back in the silent movie days. Benecio Del Toro ("Usual Suspects", "Way of the Gun", etc.) is playing the Wolfman, Sir Anthony Hopkins is his dad, Emily Blunt ("Devil Wears Prada") is his love interest, and who is the man that will be hunting down the Wolfman? Hugo Weaving (Mr. Smith from "The Matrix") will be the hunter…or we he be the hunted? No definite word on the release (at least that I could find) but keep an eye out. It should be pretty good.

Ip Man Biopics in the Works - Do you know who Ip Man is? Don't worry. Very few people outside of Asia do. No, he's not an obscure comic book hero or anything like that…but rather the master of martial arts who trained and influenced Bruce Lee. Yes, THAT Bruce Lee. Well, there are currently two movies being made about the life & times of this martial arts master starring some of the greats of today's martial arts movies in the lead role. Donnie Yen ("Hero" & "Shanghai Knights") stars in one of them…and says that it's his most challenging role yet. "We all know that teacher Ip Man promoted Chinese kung fu around the world. He's also the teacher of my idol Bruce Lee. So when I took this role I put a lot of pressure on myself." Another film stars Tony Leung ("Hero" & "Hard Boiled") as Ip Man and also stars Sammo Hung. Ip Man was born in Foshan in 1893. He started training around 1903 and arrived in Hong Kong in the 1940s to escape the Communist takeover of mainland China. In Hong Kong, he started out teaching kung fu to restaurant workers but broadened his reach to hundreds of students, including Bruce Lee, before passing away in 1972. The movies should be interesting.

Kiss A Frog, Stay Forever Young - A fitting story for Leap Day, a team of researchers in South Korea say that they have found a strong anti-ageing substance for humans by isolating a peptide with antioxidant properties…from the skin of a bullfrog. Alpha-tocopherol, also known as Vitamin E, is traditionally considered as the most active antioxidant in humans and widely used in medicines and health supplements (and is the number one reason that I don't look like the Phantom of the Opera from my car accident a decade ago). However, because of the theory of supply & demand, the price of Vitamin E is rising like postage stamps. This new froggy peptide is ten percent more effective and according to Professor Kim Se-kwon "Because it is water-soluble, the substance may be consumed in much more diverse ways than the oil-soluble tocopherol. You may put it in soft drinks, for example." Delicious…but staying beautiful is a chore…at least so I'm told. So the next time you see a bullfrog…give it a little peck on the cheek. Best-case, you found yourself a prince. Worst-case, you get worts. Sure thing, you'll look a little younger…but probably have ass breath.

Spiders Play Dead for Sex - In experiments designed by the University of Aaarhus in Denmark, researchers set up date-and-mate opportunities for Pisaura mirabilis, a species of spider native to Europe. All the males sought to attract partners by offering a gift of food, held in the mouth (that's hot). But the ones that lay flat and motionless, even if meant getting dragged about by a female that had latched onto the victuals, wound up in a much better position, as it were, to engage in sexual activity (sounds like on the bottom). The hapless males that tried the direct approach wound up keeping the free meal but not getting what they were really after…sweet sweet thorax. Males that played dead were also allowed to copulate longer than males that did not, ensuring more eggs could be fertilized. Playing dead is a well-known defense mechanism in nature, but this is apparently the first time such behavior has been observed as a strategy for obtaining sexual favors. The moral of the story - Don't be too eager. Show her the goods…and if she's interested, she'll come to you. She knows where it's at. Also, don't be afraid to offer the chocolate on the tip of your tongue (victuals?), apparently they really like that.

Fowl Language On Billboards - A chain of convenience stores in Pennsylvania (Home of the Amish?), advertised on billboards that their fried chicken sandwich contained "Crispy Frickin' Chicken" and apparently use of the Frick word has upset some people. Spokeswoman for the chain Sheetz Inc. Monica Jones commented "We're kind of known for edgy, kind of brash advertising tactics, and we knew this would spark a certain amount of controversy. That said, we're proud of the campaign." In that case, I have a suggest for you, Ms. Jones. If you are looking to spark some controversy, go with my favorite slogan for chicken and say that they are simply "Finger F**kin' Good" chicken sandwiches. You claim your main demographic is young adults…and most know how good that finger f**king can be. Hell, I'd be curious. Damn, I'm gonna have to stop by KFC for dinner now. Oh yeah…and anybody who's offended by "frick", I'm truly sorry for that…but get the frick over it. Maybe they should just go with "Finger Frickin' Good" chicken…and then they may just assume that to frick a finger is like some conjunction of freely flicking. I don't know what else frickin' could be…but it sounds like fun.

Well, that's enough for an early morning entry because I have a lot of stuff still to do this morning. Again, thank you to Mickey & the Mad Scientist!!! Congratulations again to Bubbles & JJ!!! Also a congratulations to all my other coworkers out there with new jobs...and to Laquesse and her new growing family!!! The Wingmans, I'll see you tomorrow night. San Diego, here I come...well, probably one more post at work tomorrow before going. Everybody out there in cyberspace, you all rock!!! Thanks for reading...and be sure tell loved ones what they mean to you. Positive thinking is powerful!!!

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Congratulations to Bubbles & JJ

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

First & foremost, congratulations to my hot friend Bubbles on getting a great new job in Las Vegas!!! Also, my other hot friend JJ accepted a similar position in Denver!!! Congratulations to both of you!!! After all the hard work I put into their resumes and emails and words of advice & encouragement, we were finally able to get them good positions. I'm just kidding because I was basically just there for moral support and as a thesaurus or something...but they'll be moving away soon…and that saddens me. It's okay though…because I visit Vegas fortnightly (or at least did before I started doing this blog and my job went down the pooper) so I'll be able to see her once in a while. Like I mentioned earlier, I already have two trips planned during the spring. Arrangements have just been made for the first one over Easter weekend in which I'll be taking my brother & sister-in-law with me for their 1st wedding anniversary (don't worry, separate rooms this time). I'm cool with Denver too. It is also reassuring that…if I ever wanted to get a similar job (which would involve leaving the state/country) that I would be more than qualified to do so. Anyway, congratulations Bubbles & JJ!!! Let me know when the Going Away Party is.

This morning, I met up for breakfast with the Wingmans at Jim's Restaurant and it was very good, very inexpensive (about $5 for a great full breakfast of crispy bacon, pancakes, eggs, hash browns, and cranberry juice), and the waitress was very nice…which apparently never happens there. She was new. They have some nice homemade salsa there too. After that, we talked about the new prospect for my dating life, the trip to San Diego, and I helped them pack some stuff to move down to their house in southern Utah. Good times. We're really excited about this trip. They also suggest that I check out this video they got called "The Secret" and it was pretty good. It's more of a philosophical motivation movie about positive attitudes, Karma, and all that other stuff that I already live by…which is basically deny negativity's power over you and imagine the life that you want…and be willing to work for it…but don't forget to send out positive energy to everybody. It's a great little video…and I'm going to suggest it to several people who I think it'll help out. It's pretty cool.

For the entertainment part of this program, I'd like to start things off with an amazing post-Oscar collaboration of many of Hollywood's finest…coming together to back their boy, Jimmy Kimmel. Enjoy…

I couldn't help thinking through the entire last half with all the celebrities, "Was that Pat Benetar???" but it could have been Joan Jett too. It's been about twenty years since I've seen either of them. Still an amazing feat in calling in favors. Kudos, Mr. Kimmel.

Prize for Oddest Book Titles - They may not leap off the shelves into the best-seller category, but the books short listed for the oddest book title prize certainly grab the attention. Trade publication The Bookseller compiled a list of some of the craziest such as "I was Tortured by the Pygmy Love Queen" which recounts the tale of a fictional U.S. WWII fighter pilot who is captured by jungle pygmies led by a sadistic woman…and its sequel, "Go Ahead, Woman, Do Your Worst." Others include…

  • "How to Write A How to Write Book" - An obvious knock-off of my "How to Blog About Your Blog" by Dr. Mookie Love

  • "Cheese Problems Solved" - My guess, by bacon

  • "Are Women Human? And other International Dialogues" - I'm going to say…yes

  • "If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs" - Dr. Phil's latest?

  • "People who Mattered in Southend and Beyond: From King Canute to Dr. Feelgood" - Which was only four pages long with the bibliography

Congress Wants to Probe Roger Clemens - What exactly is that going to prove? What he had for lunch? The steroids are going to be out of his system by now…or are they? Honestly the only time that I really care about baseball is when one's flying at my face or groin…or I need a few extra minutes…but why does Congress give a damn? Because kids look up to them? I'm sure that changed a long time ago. Are there really a lot of high school kids shooting steroids into their ass to get that edge…or is it just insulin because of their diet? I don't know the numbers…but if Congress wants to probe "The Rocket" then that's their thing. I just don't want to see it on the television anymore if that's cool with you. Wouldn't it be weird if they found out that Roger Clemens was an alien during their probe? What I anticipate…is that this will be drug out until…say October…and he'll be found guilty of steroid use, purgery, all that stuff…but then he holds a press conference with a good buddy - "My Fellow Americans, I asked you all here today to announce…that I am pardoning Mr. Clemens of all legal actions brought against him…and declaring his right arm a national treasure…and shall be preserved by the fullest extent of the taxpayer dollar." "Mr. President, why are you doing this?" "Well suckah, I'm ugh gonna tell you why. My job is done here in a few weeks…and by the time you guys can do anything about it, I'm outta here bitches." Then they finish it off by W & the Rocket singing "The stars at niiiight are big and briiiight (clap clap clap clap) deep in the heaaart of Texas. WEEEE-HOOOOO!!!"

Woman Stripped of Mayoral Position - That's right, I said may-oral position. Carmen Kontur-Gronquist was the mayor of a small Oregon town…until opponents found out that she once posed in her underwear on a fire truck and pictures were taken for her to be in a fitness contest before she was elected to office three years ago. A relative posted them on MySpace (a.k.a. the Devil) to improve the social life of the single mom…but apparently it fell into the wrong hands…and by a tally of 142-139 was voted out of office. Apparently, the opponents felt that it wasn't fitting for a mayor to be depicted that way…as a voluptuous single mother who knows how to get her freak on when she's not on taxpayer's time. Smut peddling may be wrong…but it's effective…like clubbing baby seals…or hooking up with drunk girls. However, I have a feeling that Carmen's social life has picked up due to the publicity…and feel free to drop by and say howdy to Dr. Love if you ever stop by Slick City. We'll talk about what one needs to do to become a mayor…and talk about whatever. It'll be a fun dinner. Guaranteed.

This Week in Racism - A kindergarten student with a freshly spiked Mohawk has been suspended from school. Michelle Barile, the mother of 6-year-old Bryan Ruda, said nothing in the Parma Community School handbook prohibits the haircut, characterized by closely shaved sides with a strip of prominent hair on top. "I understand they have a dress code. I understand he has a uniform, but this is total discrimination. They can't tell me how I can cut his hair." Principal Linda Geyer said the hair was a distraction for other students…and yes they can, "This was his third infraction. We felt that we were being extremely patient." However, I know racism when I read about it. Pure discrimination against the traditions of the Mohawk Indians…and their distinctive cultural heritage…and it needs to stop immediately. However, I am proud of Ms. Barile because instead of letting the Man get her down, she's simply enrolling her child into another school. Why? "(The haircut) is something that he really likes. When people hear Mohawk, they think it's long, it's spiked, it's crazy looking, and it's really not." Stand proud, fellow Native American (1/16th Ottawa & proud casino patron / dreamcatcher fashioner). As for the Ohio kindergarten, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Dress code? Racism? Kindergarten? Sounds like a Nazi camp to me. Fraulein Geyer, du ekelst mich!!!

Anyway, that's about it for tonight. It's been uber busy here at work with getting things squared away and saying goodbye to all the lovely faces moving on due to the 'reconstruction' of my workplace. Hopefully they'll all keep in touch (at least I know the cool ones will) but I'm sure that our paths will cross repeatedly…because I'm thinking positively as all of you should be. San Diego's coming soon…then Vegas shortly after. I'm so excited…and to be perfectly honest…I just can't hide it. Woohoo!!! Have a great day everybody!!! See you on Leap Day!!!

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Beowulf Rules

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,
Only a few more days until I'll be basking in the glow of sunny San Diego and California's southern coastline. I got a call from the Wingmans earlier today and they are getting super excited about the trip. They're also super excited about introducing me to this hot young thing that they met at a hospital (nurse?). Apparently, she's a lot of fun, really good-looking, and "a lot like me" hopefully sans penis. "She has a boyfriend right now...but he's a douchebag, so we gave her your number. She'll probably be calling you soon, so don't be surprised." "She has a boyfriend?" "Yeah, but he's a douche. She wanted to go to Denver to try to be the Next Top Model or whatever...and he was like, 'You're not going to win, so we're not going' and stuff." "Hmm, positive self-image, unsupportive boyfriend, likes tall guys, sounds like I'm in. Wait, she has a boyfriend. Isn't that kind of a big deal?" We'll see how it works out, I guess.

Last night, I got home from work and decided to watch "Beowulf" featuring the voice talents of Sir Anthony Hopkins, John Malkovich, Ray Winstone, Crispin Glover, and others including Angelina Jolie. Directed by Robert Zemeckis ("Back to the Future", "Forrest Gump", etc.) so I expected it to be good...but I really enjoyed it. I had never read the story it's based off (though apparently one of the oldest action stories ever) but using the incredible CGI motion-capture, it was a great movie and genuinely entertaining. Oh...and Grendel's mother is Angelina in 3-D glory. That's worth price of admission right there. The "300" esque action is just extra. Great story with great antagonist...and the action is superb...even if the eyes are a little shifty at times...but really an amazing feat in filmmaking. I think anyway. You be the judge...and I'll check out Grendel's mom a few more times.

Smilin' Bob Shenanigans - Steve Warshak is the founder and president of Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals which distributes Enzyte and a number of other products that allegedly (love that word) boost energy, manage weight, reduce memory loss, aid restful sleep, make you smile uncontrollably, stiffen the magic stick, and an assortment of other "male enhancement" features. However, Mr. Warshak faces more than twenty years in ass-packin' prison and his company could forfeit many millions of dollars because a federal court jury found the owner guilty of conspiracy to commit mail fraud, bank fraud, and money laundering. Prosecutors claimed customers were bilked out of $100 million through a series of deceptive ads, manipulated credit card transactions and the company's refusal to accept returns or cancel orders. They said unauthorized credit card charges generated thousands of complaints over unordered products. Former employees testified that the company created fictitious doctors (Dr. Mookie Love thinks that is deplorable) to endorse the pills, fabricated a customer-satisfaction survey and made up numbers to back claims about Enzyte's effectiveness. So apparently, selling placebos is a booming business…but don't get caught. The best part about the story though…is that Mr. Warshak's MOM and other family members were convicted of the same stuff (business & family don't mix).

Why I'm Not Going To Watch This Year Either - Okay, so the first season of "Dancing With The Stars", I watched a few episodes…but it was purely for the greatest reason possible. I was getting to know my girlfriends' parents while she was recovering from heart surgery…and she was thanking me afterwards orally. I honestly don't even remember who won…but I think it was the Seinfeld guy. This year, the list of participants is a who's who of reality should-be's. Kristi Yamaguchi should be interesting. I still have a little crush on her…then again I haven't seen her since Lillehammer. Shannon Elizabeth, that's worth the price of admission right there…because it's free…and it's about time because I want my money back from "Thirteen Ghosts" damnit. Steve Guttenberg…is apparently still alive…and he gets my dark horse vote. Mrs. Andre Agassi a.k.a. Monica Seles will make it to the first show. Star of the NFL's worst team, Jason Taylor will make a brief appearance. Magician Penn Jillette's only chance is if he makes his partner's clothes disappear…and by partner, I mean the dancing partner, not that little mute guy Teller. How the hell is Marlee Matlin going to keep the beat? That should be interesting. I don't even know who Christian De La Fuente and Marissa Janet Winokur are. I don't think it's really fair to have R&B stars like Mario in the competition…because they have training. I think he should be replaced by Ron Jeremy…because he looks like Super Mario. My pick for the winner - Priscilla Presley…and not just because she's the bride of Elvis…but because she's still hot & I think she'll surprise a lot of people. Anybody taking bets? Didn't think so. Let me know how it goes. The show starts March 17th.

How To Steal a Bridge - Police in the western Czechoslovakian border town of Cheb have launched an investigation into the theft of a four-ton railway bridge. Police spokesperson Martina Hruskova said in a lovely accent, "We are not sure if it was taken for personal use or for its scrap value. It is the first time we have dealt with this type of theft." Personal Use? Really? Like somebody needed a stretch of railroad track to finish up their California King-sized train set. Maybe something to compliment the landscaping in the backyard. A conversation piece strategically placed outside the breakfast nook. "Oh my, you've changed this living room somehow. Did you rearrange the furniture?" "Why yes. Then again, I had to because of the new metro stop conveniently located next to the armoire." "That's what's different. Did you stumble upon that at a yard sale?" "Oh-ho-ho no, it happened to have fallen from a truck whilst I was driving neh its rear." "Smashing." Anyway, best of luck to them in finding the railroad section. The logistics involved suggests KGB…but they don't exist…and never have. Period. Stop asking questions about us.

I Predicted Wrong (Gasp) - Alas, it appears that a bold predication that I made many months ago will not come to pass…for 7'5" center Yao Ming of the NBA's Houston Rockets has suffered a stress fracture in his foot…and will be unable to play for the remainder of the year. Thus nullifying any slim chance that he had…of becoming this year's Most Valuable Player. Though voted a starter to the All-Star Game last weekend and having an amazing year where he was averaging 22 points and 10 rebounds per game, while still holding the title of NBA's tallest player, and currently riding a 12-game winning streak, he suffered the injury…and had an emotional press conference. It really is a shame…and I hope that he makes a full recovery…and fulfills my prediction for next year - YAO MING WILL BE THE 2009 MVP!!! Why you ask, when my favorite team the Spurs play their home games inches on the map away in San Antonio? Because I have no doubt…that Yao Ming will come back stronger, faster, and more resilient than before. We have the technology. He's a 7'5" Chinese man. Tell me that technology wasn't involved in that. Anyway, hopefully he'll be ready to play by the time the Olympics come around. He's basically the symbol of Chinese athleticism...and an international icon. Get well soon, big guy!!!

Runaway Lawnmower Kills Monk - If there was 'naked' or 'hooker' in there somewhere, it would essentially be a perfect headline…but alas it is true. Reverend Seiji Handa was cutting the grass around his peace pagoda in the English city of Milton Keynes when the accident occurred last August. He got out of the tractor to inspect something but the vehicle, which was pulling a multi-bladed grass cutting machine, slipped its handbrake…and mulched him. Truly a tragedy…and I feel really bad for laughing about it…yet I can't seem to stop. I have a friend from high school who had a similar tragedy…but it was basically his older brother (kind of an idiot) running over his leg with a lawnmower while he was napping in the front yard. That's how he tells it…but that sounds…suspicious to say the least. So anyway, he has a prosthetic leg…and his brother still gets to be an idiot. Be careful with lawnmowers, ladies & gentlemen. Don't let your kids operate them either. They don't have the coordination or brainpower to fully grasp the concept. It's true. Don't believe me? Ask a friend of yours who knows them. "I wouldn't trust that boy with a ketchup popsicle, less a piece of heavy machinery." Anyway, I digress. Be safe out there with your lawn maintenance.

Viking Women Dressed Provocatively - Inspired by Beowulf, analysis of the remnants of from a woman's wardrobe discovered in a 10th century Russian grave shows that Viking women had a bit more flare in their garments before the introduction of Christianity. Imported colored-silk gowns adorned with metallic breast coverings and long trains may soon be found…throwing doubt upon the previously thought-to-be prudish nature of Viking wear (coupled with the sub-zero temperatures). Textile researcher Annika Larsson said, "When Christianity came, the dress was more like that of nuns. There was a big difference." Larsson discovered a blue silk dress and associated ornaments in a grave in the Russian region of Pskov and said it was positioned in a way suggesting it would be worn in the afterlife. The new finding reveals instead that a Viking woman's dress consisted of a single piece of fabric with an opening in the front. A pair of brooches, or clasps, was situated on top of the breasts to accentuate the wearer's figure. Now, after all that scientific mumbo jumbo, I'm sure that you've all been thinking what I've been thinking…about large Viking women in sexy attire…so without further ado, here they go. Have a great day everybody!!! Call now for natural male enhancement...


Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Cash Money Millionairres

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Happy Birthday 76th birthday to a legendary songwriter & performer, the original "Man in Black", Mr. Johnny Cash. In over fifty years in the music industry, he sold over 90 million albums and recorded thousands of songs. He was there at Sun Records in the early 50's with Elvis, Jerry Lee Lewis, & Carl Perkins to make the "Million Dollar Quartet" if only for about an hour. During the 60's, he toured constantly as one of the top grossing performers of the era in both Rock & Roll and Country-Western, all while tripping on amphetamines & barbiturates. During the 70's, he had his own TV show and wrote a few biographies that would later be made into movies (sort of) while raising a lovely family with his wife June. During the 80's, he was the youngest living inductee into the Country Music Hall of Fame and traveled with the supergroup the Highwaymen (with Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings, and Kris Kristofferson) and collaborated with dozens of other legends. During the 90's, he released more albums and collaborated with more legends…and had probably his greatest achievement…had a cameo on the Simpsons. In 2002, he released the music video for his cover of Nine Inch Nails' "Hurt" which won him Grammys and is widely considered his epitaph (check it out). Then in May 2003, his wife & inspiration June Carter Cash passed away…and she had told him to keep recording and performing…so he did. At a June 21, 2003 concert in Bristol, VA, before singing "Ring of Fire", Cash read a statement about his late wife that he had written shortly before taking the stage. He spoke of how June's spirit was watching over him and how she had come to visit him before going on stage. He barely made it through the song. Despite his health issues, he spoke of looking forward to the day when he could walk again and toss his wheelchair into the river near his home. Less than four months after the passing of his wife, Mr. Cash died on September 12, 2003 in Nashville and was buried next to June in Hendersonville, Tennessee.

How is it that I can pretty much despise country music…yet love to listen to Johnny Cash? I'm not sure exactly…but here's my guess. He always spoke and sang from the heart. He lived life on the edge, experiencing the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows. He saw tragedy as a child brought up in rural Arkansas but had a loving family to teach him right. Hard work & singing from the heart brought him superstardom and introduced him to the Love of his life…yet addictions nearly took all of that away from him. When Johnny sung a song, you know that he meant every single word of it. When he talks about a ring of fire, you know that burns deep in his chest. When he sings about Sunday morning coming down, you feel like you're right there with him…whether you've experienced it or not. When his heart breaks, you feel it too. If you pissed him off, he let you know it (as the picture indicates). When he sings about Love, there's no doubt in your mind that he loves that girl. If only everybody could be so honest in their lives…and walk that line. Was it really a surprise that he couldn't survive without the love of his life by his side? Not really. Maybe it's just my admiration for the way he lived…that's why I like him so much (even though I kinda thought "Walk the Line" was only an okay movie). Kris Kristofferson is in the same realm too. It seems the more that I hear about this guy, I like him more & more. Anyway, happy birthday Mr. Cash!!! It's sad that you had to leave…but at least you & June are together still.

Congratulations to beloved blog reader Laquesse on her new firstborn son, born Sunday morning!!! Baby, mother, and father are all doing well...and we can't wait for you to come in and show the little guy off. Here's some news things that happened over the weekend…

Monopoly Movie - Okay, so last week I made a joke about the guy who withdrew $2 million on a bank error…and then the next day, they announced that Hasbro is probably going to really get into the movie making business by licensing some board games…like Monopoly. Odd, right? Well, how about it being reported (on the web) that Ridley Scott ("Blade Runner" & "Aliens") is going to direct…and that Scarlett Johannsen & Kirsten Dunst have already been offered roles (I'm guessing Ms. Johannsen as the Thimble because I'd gladly stick my fingers in her). It should be an interesting process…but we shall see how this works out at the box office. There are just so many possibilities…

  • Clue - Already been done. Classic. Tim Curry rules!!!

  • Ouija - Pretty sure it's already been used in crappy horror movies…but what if the pointer piece attacked people? I don't know, I'm trying to work an angle here. It's like "What if the Ouija board opened a portal to Hell?" and I get a sneaking suspicion that I've seen that somewhere.

  • Candyland - Now I can see Scarlett Johannsen & Kirsten Dunst getting some offers…

  • Battleship - Think "Hunt for Red October" but with Keanu Reeves & Colin Farrell as the captains. "B7!!! Fire one, dude." "Miss. No, wait…yeah, miss. Sorry lad, I'm a little hung over. B4!!!" "Before what?" "B4, ya bastard!!!" "Before what?" "B4 I kick ya in the (bleep) nuts. Jesus, why the (bleep) did I agree to do this movie? Ah (bleep) it, I'm just gonna look off the reflection of your shades."

  • Chutes & Ladders - Yes, I have seen that Robot Chicken…and it'd probably work

  • Gloworm - Like Godzilla…but cuddlier

  • Jenga - Sylvester Stallone stars as Detective Rocky Rambo who finds himself in a deadly game of cat and also cat. He awakes in a deep crevasse with impossible cliffs (he knows because he tries…in a shameless attempt to get some cool rock-climbing action out of him) and the only thing that can help him out…is an odd too-small pile of 2' x 3' x 9' wooden cubes. Then it hits him. He can stack them in a certain order…but as soon as he moves the first one to take it to the top, the ground heats up and becomes a furnace…and the villain (played by Gary Oldman) shows himself, "Detective Rambo, the game has begun." "Doctor Jenga? Iz nah possibuh. I…I killed ju. Years ago." "Apparently you didn't kill me enough…and now you must make it out of this cleverly designed trap…before the tower becomes ashes." Incredible action sequence ensues…possibly with involving ninjas (why not?) and leads to final showdown. "JENGAAAAAAA!!!" Dr. Jenga meets him at the top of the tower, fire everywhere, swaying side-to-side, uppercuts, spinning back kicks, more rock climbing, lasers, chutes & ladders, whatever works…and then Detective Rambo…is down & out. "You see, detective. You shouldn't play games with a Master." Rocky's eyes open, uppercut sends Dr. Jenga flying off the edge into the inferno. One liner - "Yahtzee, mother (bleep)!!!" Queue Vince DiCola song, fade to black, roll credits. Thank God the writer's strike is over.

  • Mr. Potato Head - I'm not exactly sure how I can make a movie out of this…but I do know that Ron Perlman must star in it.

  • Operation - George Clooney reprises his role as Dr. Douglas Ross and he gets a patient…that will change his life forever. He gets a phone call from Howard Payne (Dennis Hopper in "Speed", it's a prequel, working title "Speed Operation"). "Pop quiz, hot shot. There's a bomb in a school in the LA area…and the detonator is in this guy's pacemaker. If he dies, they die. Get the picture?" "Why are you doing this?" "BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU COULDN'T GIVE ME A BIGGER PENIS!!!" How do I plan on making Dennis Hopper say that? Lots of money. Remember, he was King Koopa.

  • Trouble - I'm thinking of Thunderdome…but with a surface that launches them into the air every so often

  • Barrel of Monkeys - Guaranteed a billion dollar gross…and it's exactly what it sounds like…for two-and-a-half hours…and there will be sequels…with orangutans

Black Hole - A Horror Romance? - Director David Fincher has brought us some great movies in the past like "Se7en" and "Fight Club" as well as some crap…like "Alien 3" and "Zodiac." Apparently, he's decided that his next…well, fifth next movie is going to be a horror romance called "Black Hole" based on a graphic novel by Charlie Burns about a group of high school students whose lives are drastically altered when they come in contact with a sexually transmitted disease called the "teen plague" or "the bug." I'm sure that it's a real heartwarmer chick flick…for being shot in an entirely dark atmosphere. Don't wait up for it though. Like I said, he just completed a movie called "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" where Brad Pitt plays a man who ages backwards…then he has three other movies in line. This will probably have a 2012 release or something. Use Protection!!!

Movies Can Save Your Life - Colleton County Fire and Rescue Director Barry McRoy says he was leaving a Waffle House restaurant (greatest restaurant ever) in Walterboro, SC last week when two men ran in fighting over a gun. Police say a bullet hit one of the struggling men, shattered a window and then hit McRoy. He was unphased. How did this happen? Did McRoy have superpowers? Was HE in fact the son a Ja-Rel? No, the bullet had hit a DVD that was inside of his jacket, shattering the case instead of his internal organs. Sure, the report may say that it was a gift from an employee of a TV show about fire extinguishers…but I'm damn sure that it was a pirated copy of the Adam Sandler / Damon Wayans comedy "Bulletproof" instead. Besides, who the hell would want to watch a show about fire extinguishers? He's a fire chief. He knows how they work, right? Right?

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Congratulations again to Mr. & Mrs. Laquesse!!! Have a great day everybody…and be sure to honor Mr. Johnny Cash and really listen to his music…if only one song. Walk Hard…on the Line!!!

Monday, February 25, 2008

Seattle Weekend

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Seattle was fantastic!!! Friday morning, we woke up at the break of dawn...actually a few hours before the break of dawn...hell, we were in the air before the sun thought about coming out...but the sun had risen by the time we landed in Seattle...and that's what was important. The weather was absolutely gorgeous. Not a better way to celebrate George Washington's the state of his namesake. Beautiful clear sunny skies without a drop of rain...the entire time we were there. After a 45 minute shuttle ride from the airport, we dropped our stuff at the hotel and checked out Pike Place Market as everything was opening up and the producers were setting up for the day. That place is awesome. There's fresh seafood, produce, preserves, souveniors, flowers, crafts, and other crap you can spend your money on...but have a good time doing it.

Bee's Wax - So many uses

Lots of flowers for sale

My personal favorite - Pussy Willows

"You want one order of the Chitty Fish?"

Seattle has a GREAT Healthcare system
Possibly being so close to Canada

The guy looked at me funny when
I told him to "Fill 'er up"

Earth, Wind, & Fire Rules!!!

Seattle's Shoe Museum, which doesn't really exist
Thank God!!!

Really, who doesn't like a Sister Sandwich?

I think Angelina likes me...

By the way, my birthday's coming up soon.
Anybody looking to get me the perfect gift,
she's on the right. I would still take Bettie Page
out to dinner...even if she's an 80+ Jesus Freak.

After walking around there for a few hours, Randy Randy had a lunch appointment, so we went back to the hotel to relax for a few. "Gremlins" was on TV, so we watched it...and I woke up about two hours did everybody else. Then we decided to walk along the waterfront and to the Olympic Sculpture Garden.

Happy Birthday George!!!

Maritime Museum - Something to do next time

Hehe, Pier 69 - Port of Seattle

My mom tells me this is what an eraser
looked like when she was a kid. She's old.

Why are Washington Apples so good?
The trees are dipped in silver.

Ichiro is HUGE in Seattle

Space Needle - Something to do next time

We arrived at the Seattle Center...but just in time to not be able to do anything...because they closed in less than an hour. Oh well, it gave us something to do on we hopped onto the Monorail and took it into town to a restaurant that JL Clyde liked called Wild Ginger. It was a very classy establishment...and by that, I mean it was very expensive, well decorated, dimly lit, and the food is fantastic though in incredibly small quantities. We had crab cakes, baby bok choy (not a Klingon dish, I found out), some great shrimp with some kind of sauce on it. It was really good. But who can put on a price on making the world's most pretentious sandwich using roasted duck, some sauce, and a half-cooked roll...but was still really good? Don't worry, we paid the bill...and then got some gelato across the street afterwards.

After dinner, we walked around and went to the SAM (Seattle Art Museum) to see the special exhibit of Roman Art on loan from the Louvre, Ghiberti's Gates of Paradise, and some of the most unremarkable modern art I have ever seen (and a really cool one with dog tags) but because they don't allow pictures inside the's what I can share.

This is art showing how a car blows up

I'm proud to say that I don't get Modern Art

My sister Laura was playing at the Triple Door

I always wanna get Mee Sum Pastry

Sounds good. Is it like a Brazilian Snowcone?

After the museum, we returned home...and basically went to sleep for ten hours. Lame, I know...but we were really tired (and it didn't really help anyway because I love my mom...but she snores LOUDLY and talks in her sleep...unless she was coughing because she was a little ill). I eventually got well rested though. In the morning we had breakfast at the hotel...and I had another pretentious sandwich called a Dungeness Crab BLT. Crab, bacon, poached eggs, crisp green lettuce, baby tomatoes, oh yeah...really all I need is crab and bacon and that's a good breakfast. Complete with smashed potatoes...which are not mashed potatoes...but rather small cooked potatoes cut in half with a butterknife and placed under the sandwich.

Then we headed for an early start at the Seattle Center...starting with the Experience Music Project and Science Fiction Museum and Hall of Fame. The EMP was basically a Seattle Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (from the Kingsmen to Jimi Hendrix to Heart to Nirvana and more) with more interactivity than Rock Band. It's a definite must-see for the area...and the Sci-Fi Museum will certainly tickle the inner geek in any of us. Exhibits from over a hundred years of science-fiction novels, movies, TV shows, and anything else you could ever want to know or see. Cylon robots, damn dirty apes, weapons from all over the galaxy, Yoda, and so much more. Since you must see the EMP, check this out too...because they're at the same place. Again, not allowed to take pictures in the galleries...but here's what I got...

JL Clyde meditating at the EMP

"Ah-Louie Louie...oooh oh we got'go"

That's a LOT of guitars

Message Received

Science Fiction Museum & Hall of Fame

Gort, My Mommy, & Me

My mommy grabbing Gort

The Restaurant at EMP

We had lunch at the restaurant at the EMP and it was really good. Buffalo chicken wings, fish & chips, ahi tuna, salads, anything you could want...and that's just for appetizers. After that, we went to the Pacific Science Center to get our learn on...and be super junior geeks now. Dozens of interactive exhibits, water cannons, playlands, IMAX shows, and this one allowed lots of here they are. Best Part: LASER BEATLES!!!

This is going to be awesome...

The Adventures of Owly

Special Guest: Frank the Bunny

Water Cannons are always cool

"Mmm braaaains..."

Where's the rest of the pine cone?
Fun for kids of all ages

My mom likes big nuts

Naked Mole Rats fighting
This thoroughly entertained me
for a good three minutes.

I heart Science too!!! We should hang out.

There was a Butterfly Exhibit

"JESUS!!! RUN!!!"

Then we took a waterfront streetcar over to Pioneer Square to see the Underground City...but the last tour left about an hour we decided to wander around and get drunk at a fine establishment called Collins Pub. They made some great meatloaf with lamb, pork, and beef covered in gravy with ...followed with lots of beer and alcoholic apple cider. Good times...then we stumbled back to the hotel...and continued to drink for a few more hours in lobby bar listening to piano music & people watching (there was a dress-up karaoke jam downstairs).

Chief Seattle Memorial

Utilikilt - Check it out!!!

Sunday, we woke up early to get some things at Pike Place before flying back home. Not really much happened...except I got to the airport and they confiscated my rose petal jelly...because apparently they thought it was explosive. "Are you kidding me? It's jam. If you want some all you have to do is ask, man. I've got enough." "Sir, liquid containers cannot be more than three ounces. If you would like, you can take this back and check it in as luggage." "You know what. Please just take it home and enjoy it. Don't throw it away. It's too good for that. YOU and your family just enjoy it. It's from Pike Place. It's delicious." Interesting that they didn't give me any hassle about my large toothpaste, nail clippers, or Schick Quattro...but they got that jelly. Rabble rabble. I did get some damn fine strawberries though.

We returned home to rainy cold weather in Utah...and went home to unpack and do some laundry in preparation for the San Diego road trip next week. Good times. Apparently, Mr. & Mrs. Wingman are very excited for the trip...and even want me to go on a double date with somebody they ran into, so we'll see how that goes. Also, there may be at least two trips to Vegas in the near future. My brother & sister-in-law want to go, as does my dad, and Bubbles may be moving out there I'll keep you posted on that too. In the meantime, I hope the pictures and stories were fun for you...because they were for me. Auf Wiedersehen!!!

Where should I go next?