Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
First & foremost, congratulations to my hot friend Bubbles on getting a great new job in Las Vegas!!! Also, my other hot friend JJ accepted a similar position in Denver!!! Congratulations to both of you!!! After all the hard work I put into their resumes and emails and words of advice & encouragement, we were finally able to get them good positions. I'm just kidding because I was basically just there for moral support and as a thesaurus or something...but they'll be moving away soon…and that saddens me. It's okay though…because I visit Vegas fortnightly (or at least did before I started doing this blog and my job went down the pooper) so I'll be able to see her once in a while. Like I mentioned earlier, I already have two trips planned during the spring. Arrangements have just been made for the first one over Easter weekend in which I'll be taking my brother & sister-in-law with me for their 1st wedding anniversary (don't worry, separate rooms this time). I'm cool with Denver too. It is also reassuring that…if I ever wanted to get a similar job (which would involve leaving the state/country) that I would be more than qualified to do so. Anyway, congratulations Bubbles & JJ!!! Let me know when the Going Away Party is.
This morning, I met up for breakfast with the Wingmans at Jim's Restaurant and it was very good, very inexpensive (about $5 for a great full breakfast of crispy bacon, pancakes, eggs, hash browns, and cranberry juice), and the waitress was very nice…which apparently never happens there. She was new. They have some nice homemade salsa there too. After that, we talked about the new prospect for my dating life, the trip to San Diego, and I helped them pack some stuff to move down to their house in southern Utah. Good times. We're really excited about this trip. They also suggest that I check out this video they got called "The Secret" and it was pretty good. It's more of a philosophical motivation movie about positive attitudes, Karma, and all that other stuff that I already live by…which is basically deny negativity's power over you and imagine the life that you want…and be willing to work for it…but don't forget to send out positive energy to everybody. It's a great little video…and I'm going to suggest it to several people who I think it'll help out. It's pretty cool.
For the entertainment part of this program, I'd like to start things off with an amazing post-Oscar collaboration of many of Hollywood's finest…coming together to back their boy, Jimmy Kimmel. Enjoy…
I couldn't help thinking through the entire last half with all the celebrities, "Was that Pat Benetar???" but it could have been Joan Jett too. It's been about twenty years since I've seen either of them. Still an amazing feat in calling in favors. Kudos, Mr. Kimmel.
Prize for Oddest Book Titles - They may not leap off the shelves into the best-seller category, but the books short listed for the oddest book title prize certainly grab the attention. Trade publication The Bookseller compiled a list of some of the craziest such as "I was Tortured by the Pygmy Love Queen" which recounts the tale of a fictional U.S. WWII fighter pilot who is captured by jungle pygmies led by a sadistic woman…and its sequel, "Go Ahead, Woman, Do Your Worst." Others include…
- "How to Write A How to Write Book" - An obvious knock-off of my "How to Blog About Your Blog" by Dr. Mookie Love
- "Cheese Problems Solved" - My guess, by bacon
- "Are Women Human? And other International Dialogues" - I'm going to say…yes
- "If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs" - Dr. Phil's latest?
- "People who Mattered in Southend and Beyond: From King Canute to Dr. Feelgood" - Which was only four pages long with the bibliography
Congress Wants to Probe Roger Clemens - What exactly is that going to prove? What he had for lunch? The steroids are going to be out of his system by now…or are they? Honestly the only time that I really care about baseball is when one's flying at my face or groin…or I need a few extra minutes…but why does Congress give a damn? Because kids look up to them? I'm sure that changed a long time ago. Are there really a lot of high school kids shooting steroids into their ass to get that edge…or is it just insulin because of their diet? I don't know the numbers…but if Congress wants to probe "The Rocket" then that's their thing. I just don't want to see it on the television anymore if that's cool with you. Wouldn't it be weird if they found out that Roger Clemens was an alien during their probe? What I anticipate…is that this will be drug out until…say October…and he'll be found guilty of steroid use, purgery, all that stuff…but then he holds a press conference with a good buddy - "My Fellow Americans, I asked you all here today to announce…that I am pardoning Mr. Clemens of all legal actions brought against him…and declaring his right arm a national treasure…and shall be preserved by the fullest extent of the taxpayer dollar." "Mr. President, why are you doing this?" "Well suckah, I'm ugh gonna tell you why. My job is done here in a few weeks…and by the time you guys can do anything about it, I'm outta here bitches." Then they finish it off by W & the Rocket singing "The stars at niiiight are big and briiiight (clap clap clap clap) deep in the heaaart of Texas. WEEEE-HOOOOO!!!"
Woman Stripped of Mayoral Position - That's right, I said may-oral position. Carmen Kontur-Gronquist was the mayor of a small Oregon town…until opponents found out that she once posed in her underwear on a fire truck and pictures were taken for her to be in a fitness contest before she was elected to office three years ago. A relative posted them on MySpace (a.k.a. the Devil) to improve the social life of the single mom…but apparently it fell into the wrong hands…and by a tally of 142-139 was voted out of office. Apparently, the opponents felt that it wasn't fitting for a mayor to be depicted that way…as a voluptuous single mother who knows how to get her freak on when she's not on taxpayer's time. Smut peddling may be wrong…but it's effective…like clubbing baby seals…or hooking up with drunk girls. However, I have a feeling that Carmen's social life has picked up due to the publicity…and feel free to drop by and say howdy to Dr. Love if you ever stop by Slick City. We'll talk about what one needs to do to become a mayor…and talk about whatever. It'll be a fun dinner. Guaranteed.
This Week in Racism - A kindergarten student with a freshly spiked Mohawk has been suspended from school. Michelle Barile, the mother of 6-year-old Bryan Ruda, said nothing in the Parma Community School handbook prohibits the haircut, characterized by closely shaved sides with a strip of prominent hair on top. "I understand they have a dress code. I understand he has a uniform, but this is total discrimination. They can't tell me how I can cut his hair." Principal Linda Geyer said the hair was a distraction for other students…and yes they can, "This was his third infraction. We felt that we were being extremely patient." However, I know racism when I read about it. Pure discrimination against the traditions of the Mohawk Indians…and their distinctive cultural heritage…and it needs to stop immediately. However, I am proud of Ms. Barile because instead of letting the Man get her down, she's simply enrolling her child into another school. Why? "(The haircut) is something that he really likes. When people hear Mohawk, they think it's long, it's spiked, it's crazy looking, and it's really not." Stand proud, fellow Native American (1/16th Ottawa & proud casino patron / dreamcatcher fashioner). As for the Ohio kindergarten, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Dress code? Racism? Kindergarten? Sounds like a Nazi camp to me. Fraulein Geyer, du ekelst mich!!!
Anyway, that's about it for tonight. It's been uber busy here at work with getting things squared away and saying goodbye to all the lovely faces moving on due to the 'reconstruction' of my workplace. Hopefully they'll all keep in touch (at least I know the cool ones will) but I'm sure that our paths will cross repeatedly…because I'm thinking positively as all of you should be. San Diego's coming soon…then Vegas shortly after. I'm so excited…and to be perfectly honest…I just can't hide it. Woohoo!!! Have a great day everybody!!! See you on Leap Day!!!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
"KILL THE WAAAABIT!!! KILL THE WAAABIT!!!"
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
- Clue - Already been done. Classic. Tim Curry rules!!!
- Ouija - Pretty sure it's already been used in crappy horror movies…but what if the pointer piece attacked people? I don't know, I'm trying to work an angle here. It's like "What if the Ouija board opened a portal to Hell?" and I get a sneaking suspicion that I've seen that somewhere.
- Candyland - Now I can see Scarlett Johannsen & Kirsten Dunst getting some offers…
- Battleship - Think "Hunt for Red October" but with Keanu Reeves & Colin Farrell as the captains. "B7!!! Fire one, dude." "Miss. No, wait…yeah, miss. Sorry lad, I'm a little hung over. B4!!!" "Before what?" "B4, ya bastard!!!" "Before what?" "B4 I kick ya in the (bleep) nuts. Jesus, why the (bleep) did I agree to do this movie? Ah (bleep) it, I'm just gonna look off the reflection of your shades."
- Chutes & Ladders - Yes, I have seen that Robot Chicken…and it'd probably work
- Gloworm - Like Godzilla…but cuddlier
- Jenga - Sylvester Stallone stars as Detective Rocky Rambo who finds himself in a deadly game of cat and also cat. He awakes in a deep crevasse with impossible cliffs (he knows because he tries…in a shameless attempt to get some cool rock-climbing action out of him) and the only thing that can help him out…is an odd too-small pile of 2' x 3' x 9' wooden cubes. Then it hits him. He can stack them in a certain order…but as soon as he moves the first one to take it to the top, the ground heats up and becomes a furnace…and the villain (played by Gary Oldman) shows himself, "Detective Rambo, the game has begun." "Doctor Jenga? Iz nah possibuh. I…I killed ju. Years ago." "Apparently you didn't kill me enough…and now you must make it out of this cleverly designed trap…before the tower becomes ashes." Incredible action sequence ensues…possibly with involving ninjas (why not?) and leads to final showdown. "JENGAAAAAAA!!!" Dr. Jenga meets him at the top of the tower, fire everywhere, swaying side-to-side, uppercuts, spinning back kicks, more rock climbing, lasers, chutes & ladders, whatever works…and then Detective Rambo…is down & out. "You see, detective. You shouldn't play games with a Master." Rocky's eyes open, uppercut sends Dr. Jenga flying off the edge into the inferno. One liner - "Yahtzee, mother (bleep)!!!" Queue Vince DiCola song, fade to black, roll credits. Thank God the writer's strike is over.
- Mr. Potato Head - I'm not exactly sure how I can make a movie out of this…but I do know that Ron Perlman must star in it.
- Operation - George Clooney reprises his role as Dr. Douglas Ross and he gets a patient…that will change his life forever. He gets a phone call from Howard Payne (Dennis Hopper in "Speed", it's a prequel, working title "Speed Operation"). "Pop quiz, hot shot. There's a bomb in a school in the LA area…and the detonator is in this guy's pacemaker. If he dies, they die. Get the picture?" "Why are you doing this?" "BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU COULDN'T GIVE ME A BIGGER PENIS!!!" How do I plan on making Dennis Hopper say that? Lots of money. Remember, he was King Koopa.
- Trouble - I'm thinking of Thunderdome…but with a surface that launches them into the air every so often
- Barrel of Monkeys - Guaranteed a billion dollar gross…and it's exactly what it sounds like…for two-and-a-half hours…and there will be sequels…with orangutans
Black Hole - A Horror Romance? - Director David Fincher has brought us some great movies in the past like "Se7en" and "Fight Club" as well as some crap…like "Alien 3" and "Zodiac." Apparently, he's decided that his next…well, fifth next movie is going to be a horror romance called "Black Hole" based on a graphic novel by Charlie Burns about a group of high school students whose lives are drastically altered when they come in contact with a sexually transmitted disease called the "teen plague" or "the bug." I'm sure that it's a real heartwarmer chick flick…for being shot in an entirely dark atmosphere. Don't wait up for it though. Like I said, he just completed a movie called "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" where Brad Pitt plays a man who ages backwards…then he has three other movies in line. This will probably have a 2012 release or something. Use Protection!!!
Movies Can Save Your Life - Colleton County Fire and Rescue Director Barry McRoy says he was leaving a Waffle House restaurant (greatest restaurant ever) in Walterboro, SC last week when two men ran in fighting over a gun. Police say a bullet hit one of the struggling men, shattered a window and then hit McRoy. He was unphased. How did this happen? Did McRoy have superpowers? Was HE in fact the son a Ja-Rel? No, the bullet had hit a DVD that was inside of his jacket, shattering the case instead of his internal organs. Sure, the report may say that it was a gift from an employee of a TV show about fire extinguishers…but I'm damn sure that it was a pirated copy of the Adam Sandler / Damon Wayans comedy "Bulletproof" instead. Besides, who the hell would want to watch a show about fire extinguishers? He's a fire chief. He knows how they work, right? Right?
Anyway, that'll do it for today. Congratulations again to Mr. & Mrs. Laquesse!!! Have a great day everybody…and be sure to honor Mr. Johnny Cash and really listen to his music…if only one song. Walk Hard…on the Line!!!
Monday, February 25, 2008
Seattle was fantastic!!! Friday morning, we woke up at the break of dawn...actually a few hours before the break of dawn...hell, we were in the air before the sun thought about coming out...but the sun had risen by the time we landed in Seattle...and that's what was important. The weather was absolutely gorgeous. Not a better way to celebrate George Washington's birthday...in the state of his namesake. Beautiful clear sunny skies without a drop of rain...the entire time we were there. After a 45 minute shuttle ride from the airport, we dropped our stuff at the hotel and checked out Pike Place Market as everything was opening up and the producers were setting up for the day. That place is awesome. There's fresh seafood, produce, preserves, souveniors, flowers, crafts, and other crap you can spend your money on...but have a good time doing it.
After walking around there for a few hours, Randy Randy had a lunch appointment, so we went back to the hotel to relax for a few. "Gremlins" was on TV, so we watched it...and I woke up about two hours later...as did everybody else. Then we decided to walk along the waterfront and to the Olympic Sculpture Garden.
We arrived at the Seattle Center...but just in time to not be able to do anything...because they closed in less than an hour. Oh well, it gave us something to do on Saturday...so we hopped onto the Monorail and took it into town to a restaurant that JL Clyde liked called Wild Ginger. It was a very classy establishment...and by that, I mean it was very expensive, well decorated, dimly lit, and the food is fantastic though in incredibly small quantities. We had crab cakes, baby bok choy (not a Klingon dish, I found out), some great shrimp with some kind of sauce on it. It was really good. But who can put on a price on making the world's most pretentious sandwich using roasted duck, some sauce, and a half-cooked roll...but was still really good? Don't worry, we paid the bill...and then got some gelato across the street afterwards.
After dinner, we walked around and went to the SAM (Seattle Art Museum) to see the special exhibit of Roman Art on loan from the Louvre, Ghiberti's Gates of Paradise, and some of the most unremarkable modern art I have ever seen (and a really cool one with dog tags) but because they don't allow pictures inside the galleries...here's what I can share.
After the museum, we returned home...and basically went to sleep for ten hours. Lame, I know...but we were really tired (and it didn't really help anyway because I love my mom...but she snores LOUDLY and talks in her sleep...unless she was coughing because she was a little ill). I eventually got well rested though. In the morning we had breakfast at the hotel...and I had another pretentious sandwich called a Dungeness Crab BLT. Crab, bacon, poached eggs, crisp green lettuce, baby tomatoes, oh yeah...really all I need is crab and bacon and that's a good breakfast. Complete with smashed potatoes...which are not mashed potatoes...but rather small cooked potatoes cut in half with a butterknife and placed under the sandwich.
Then we headed for an early start at the Seattle Center...starting with the Experience Music Project and Science Fiction Museum and Hall of Fame. The EMP was basically a Seattle Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (from the Kingsmen to Jimi Hendrix to Heart to Nirvana and more) with more interactivity than Rock Band. It's a definite must-see for the area...and the Sci-Fi Museum will certainly tickle the inner geek in any of us. Exhibits from over a hundred years of science-fiction novels, movies, TV shows, and anything else you could ever want to know or see. Cylon robots, damn dirty apes, weapons from all over the galaxy, Yoda, and so much more. Since you must see the EMP, check this out too...because they're at the same place. Again, not allowed to take pictures in the galleries...but here's what I got...
We had lunch at the restaurant at the EMP and it was really good. Buffalo chicken wings, fish & chips, ahi tuna, salads, anything you could want...and that's just for appetizers. After that, we went to the Pacific Science Center to get our learn on...and be super junior geeks now. Dozens of interactive exhibits, water cannons, playlands, IMAX shows, and this one allowed lots of pictures...so here they are. Best Part: LASER BEATLES!!!
Then we took a waterfront streetcar over to Pioneer Square to see the Underground City...but the last tour left about an hour earlier...so we decided to wander around and get drunk at a fine establishment called Collins Pub. They made some great meatloaf with lamb, pork, and beef covered in gravy with ...followed with lots of beer and alcoholic apple cider. Good times...then we stumbled back to the hotel...and continued to drink for a few more hours in lobby bar listening to piano music & people watching (there was a dress-up karaoke jam downstairs).
Sunday, we woke up early to get some things at Pike Place before flying back home. Not really much happened...except I got to the airport and they confiscated my rose petal jelly...because apparently they thought it was explosive. "Are you kidding me? It's jam. If you want some all you have to do is ask, man. I've got enough." "Sir, liquid containers cannot be more than three ounces. If you would like, you can take this back and check it in as luggage." "You know what. Please just take it home and enjoy it. Don't throw it away. It's too good for that. YOU and your family just enjoy it. It's from Pike Place. It's delicious." Interesting that they didn't give me any hassle about my large toothpaste, nail clippers, or Schick Quattro...but they got that jelly. Rabble rabble. I did get some damn fine strawberries though.
We returned home to rainy cold weather in Utah...and went home to unpack and do some laundry in preparation for the San Diego road trip next week. Good times. Apparently, Mr. & Mrs. Wingman are very excited for the trip...and even want me to go on a double date with somebody they ran into, so we'll see how that goes. Also, there may be at least two trips to Vegas in the near future. My brother & sister-in-law want to go, as does my dad, and Bubbles may be moving out there shortly...so I'll keep you posted on that too. In the meantime, I hope the pictures and stories were fun for you...because they were for me. Auf Wiedersehen!!!