Snow on the Hills

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday was a relaxing day. I spent most of the day doing laundry, dishes, vacuuming, and watching college football in between. It was a BIG day in college football. How big? Six of the top 13 ranked teams in the polls lost. Five of them to unranked teams. They were all really good games to watch too. College football is exciting to me...because the guys wanna play and not for the money (at least immediately) and the fans are a fantastic mix of crazy college kids and tailgating alumni. Congrats to Utah for getting another win. This time against Utah State. Notre Dame is 0-5 and based on what I saw yesterday (their best game of the year and still lost by two touchdowns), they very well may not win a game this year. John 11:35 - Football Jesus wept.

After that, my aunt & uncle called me up and invited me to have a few drinks with them at the Barbary Coast Saloon. You may remember this bar from a few months ago when my Uncle Doug had his 35th birthday party. It's a nice little biker bar with live entertainment on the weekends. I decided to invite JL Clyde to the festivities and she was glad to attend. Band on the Run played rock classics as we discussed sports, music, commercials we like (Nike, Carl's Jr. Flat Buns, etc.), our cruise to Mexico last year, when my aunt used to babysit me, their kids (who think I'm the coolest cousin ever for some reason), all the usual stuff. A good time was had by all. I was the designated driver so everybody else got to be as frivolous as they wanted. I'd hang out with these guys anytime. Thanks for inviting me...if you read my blog. Also, I finally dusted off my leather trenchcoat for the winter season. There's some snow in the mountains and it was pretty chilly last night. I think the low was around freezing. So much for fall...

NFL Today - Brett Favre is going for the all-time NFL passing touchdown record (still another hundred or so for Warren Moon's CFL/NFL combined record). Eagles are looking for another win against the Giants (exaggerated) in the night game. Daunte Culpepper gets to start for the Raiders...against the team that cut him a month ago, the Miami Dolphins in a game that only one team can lose. My money's on the Raiders...and by money, I mean sense of ironic justice. Anyway, that's enough about sports.

Today, I'm going to be hanging at my dad's because I haven't seen him in a few weeks and he's a good guy. Also, my brother said that he was bringing the family there too...so two birds with one stone. I still don't believe that anybody has ever pelted two birds with two stones before. Maybe some tribal warrior in the savannah of Sudan...but this cliche has to go. Just say something like "taking care of two objectives in the same instance" or throw a clever twist on it...but I'm not nearly that clever to attempt. I'm sure that you'll come up with something. So yeah, party at my dad's. We'll probably have Colosimo's brats. They're smurfin' delicious.

So...what else am I going to put on here today? How about another one of these quiz things that was sent to me through MySpace? Yeah, you guys can get to know me a little bit more. That...and I'm lazy...and I want some breakfast.

$teveology

Let others know a little more about yourself, repost this as your name followed by "ology."

MOUTHOLOGY
Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A: Blue Cheese, normally you'd think twice before trying...

Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. Curry in a Hurry or Arby's

Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
A. Melange at the Ritz-Carlton, New Orleans...when I can afford it

Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. About 20% usually

Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
A. Pizza

Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
A. Meats, cheeses, & vegetables. Barbecue sauce? Peanut butter, whatever, I'm like a ninja turtle.

Q. What do you like to put on your toast?
A. French it up and put syrup or powdered sugar on it.

TECHNOLOGY
Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A. Marilyn Monroe and her sweet naked ass in a classy layout from Playboy circa 1953?

Q. How many televisions are in your house/apartment?
A. Two.

BIOLOGY
Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. Righty tighty.

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. Bits of glass and a mole, both a long time ago.

Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?
A. I still have a few...but not on my teeth.

Q. What was the last heavy item you lifted?
A. I just took a leak about five minutes ago.

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. Yeah, car accident. Did you guys see that Jermaine Taylor / Kelly Pavlik fight last night? I caught the highlights and you have to see the knockout in slo-mo. Wait for it on YouTube or something. It's impressive. Is Kelly Pavlik the next Great White Hype?

BULLS**TOLOGY
Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. Sure, why not? I'll try to look surprised. I could be like Nicolas Cage in "Next" only with some emotion.

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
A. Mike Hunt, then I'd giggle everytime I heard somebody ask it in a crowd

Q. What color(s) do you think looks best on you?
A. Black, white, and Brazilian

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. By mistake? Not that I recall.

Q. Have you ever saved someone's life?
A. No need to thank me, just pay it forward.

Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
A. Emergency workers when I was 16. Smurfin' Ford Broncos.

DAREOLOGY
Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A. Do I get it back? Then yes.

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. Well, I didn't get the management job, so I guess this question is pointless. Since it's not going to be offered, I would say no. I enjoy this. If I don't, you'll know...because it'd stop.

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A. I would pose naked on the cover of TIME for a quarter-mill. Sports Illustrated, Better Homes & Gardens, whatever. You give me a quarter-mill, I'll give you the full monty.

Q: What is in your left pocket?
A: Keys

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A: (See? This question reminded me the other day about my amendment) No, but it is my inspiration to make my own movie...because if that pile of pig shit can make money, then my silly ass could.

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A: Brown shag carpet.

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A: Sit in the shower? Seriously? I stand...unless the shower's too small, then it's a kind of fetal position slouch.

Q: Could you live with roommates?
A: I have before.

Q: How many pairs of flip-flops do you own?
A: One, I think.

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A: Rich + Crazy = Eccentric

Q: Who is number 1 on your top 8
A: My brother

LASTOLOGY
Q: Friend you talked to on the phone?
A: JL Clyde

Q: Last person who called you?
A: Missy

Q: Person you hugged?
A: JL Clyde

FAVORITOLOGY
Q: Number(s)?
A: 50

Q: Season?
A: Spring. Both days of it here in Utah

CURRENTOLOGY
Q: Missing someone?
A: A little bit

Q: Mood?
A: Relaxed

Q: Listening to?
A: Sunday NFL Countdown

Q: Watching?
A. The computer?

Q: Worrying about?
A: Trip to Europe in a few weeks. Am I going to have to sell my baby batter to make ends meet?
RANDOMOLOGY
Q: First place you went this morning?
A: Bathroom

Q: What can you not wait to do?
A: Eat something

Q: What's the last movie you saw?
A: I gave Jane Austen's Mafia! another shot. It still sucked.

Q: Do you smile often?
A: I don't think that I frown. It's like a natural facelift habit or something.

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: I don't know how this rumor started...but it needs to stop NOW.

Next

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,


Yesterday was a great day. I started off by watching the newly released on DVD Nicolas Cage movie "Next" and it was pretty good. Now, I give Mr. Cage a lot of crap once in a while...and it's not just because friends of mine think that he's hot. That makes me feel better...because I have similar features. Mr. Cage & Adrien Brody give a guy like me hope. It just seems to me that he seems really tired all the time...and talks like it too. Allegedly, I do a pretty good impersonation of him...and the key is to act like you're coming down off something and you haven't slept in three days. Then again, if I had Jessica Biel in this situation, I wouldn't sleep for three days at a time either. Anyway, the movie was basically "Groundhog Day" as an action movie...and Jessica Biel is really really hot...all the time. This movie is about a Vegas mentalist who has a real gift...where he can see about two minutes into the future and what'll happen within his own life, like the decisions that he makes, etc. They talk about how it takes all the luster out of life in the movie...but seriously, I still think it'd be awesome. Why? It's illustrated in the movie when he finally meets Jessica Biel and makes his move...after a few failed attempts (and seeing the results), he finally decides on a good one.


Also, I'm fairly convinced that I need to learn a few charming magic tricks for the ladies. Not to really trick them or anything, but because it always gets a laugh...even when you screw it up. I already have pretty good sleight of hand and skills with a basketball...but would that really translate? Worst case, I could always botch it and say, "Is this your card?" "No, that looks like somebody's phone number." "Interesting. I suggest that you call it later tonight and find out who it is...maybe around 8 o'clock? Ninja vanish." (Smoke bomb explodes at my feet & I hop in a cab while she's coughing...because it was actually a stink bomb. How did I get those mixed up?) Only one way to find out. Oh yeah, back to the movie. It doesn't really end...as much as it just stops. Just to give you a warning...but it's based on a Philip K. Dick story...and that's usually how the movies end.


After the movie, I met up with my mom, grandma, and my mom's friend from work Pat to talk about our pending trip to Europe in November. My mom isn't going though...and the other two ladies are in their seventies...but I don't think that's going to be a big problem. Half the time is on a cruise ship...and the other half is in greatly populated metropolises (What's the plural for metropolis? Metropoli? Metropolot?) and we'll be fine moving around...even if it's slower than average speeds. I can always load my grandma up in a wheelchair and tell her to hold on as we race over cobblestones. That'd be fun...like a wooden rollercoaster. We discussed this over lunch at Garcia's Mexican Restaurant and had a grand olde time. Today, as I'm doing laundry and cleaning up my crib, I'm also going to be settling up our port activities on the cruise and setting up tours, etc. in Barcelona for the days we're not nautical. It should be fun. It's going to be a great trip in a few weeks.


After the late lunch, I met up with some friends for an impromptu dinner at the Bombay House for some Indian cuisine. It was great. We had a fun time chatting about whatever. The food was fantastic...though expensive. I'm not gonna lie. We had Mango Lassi and a variety of different delicious foods...but I ate about three hours earlier...and I just couldn't eat more. Oh well, it was still a great time with great company. You can't beat that.


After dinner, I met up with my buddies JL Clyde, Erica, and her husband Ruben and went to a party. We met the host Joey, who is an incredible artist. He had some of his work all over his house...and it was very impressive...and the hospitality was great too. We talked about...well, whatever came up. I remember that somehow we got on the topic...and I mentioned that I'd like to see a movie about Benjamin Franklin...and JL thought that Gary Oldman would be the perfect actor, because he can do anything...and I agreed. By anything, he could convince you that the Easter Bunny existed...so we combined the two into one movie and titled it, "The Easter Benny." (Patent Pending) Ladies & Gentlemen, this is what $teve thinks of when he's sober. Imagine when he's drunk. Actually, it's about the same but sleepier quicker. I was the designated driver today though. It was a good party. Then I drove JL home after grabbing some Del Taco along the way. Then I slept like a baby. Good times.


So yeah, today I'm checking out the Europe trip stuff...and that's really about it for plans. Maybe I'll be invited to a party somewhere, maybe I won't, maybe I'll be here when my twin neighbors come back from clubbin' intoxicated and get a little chatty. The possibilites are endless. One thing's for sure, Notre Dame football is in the shitter. They're 0-4 for the first time ever...and currently losing to Purdue 20-0. That sucks. Ooop, Purdue just recoverd a fumble. Oh man. Here's some of the stuff that we're going to do in Europe:

• Three hour city tour of Barcelona to get assituated (A threeeeee hour tooooour...)
• Eight hour hiking excursion to some Medieval Spanish villages
• Flamenco dinner & show - Passion, Food, Spanish, Dance, can't beat that Don Juan DeMarco
• Saint Tropez, Port Grimaud, and the Wine Country of Southern France
• See Michaelangel's David and Florence, Italy
• See the Vatican and tour Rome
• Visit Naples, Pompeii, Sorrento, & the isle of Capri
• Spend a day in Sicily
• Head back to Barcelona for a few days...maybe take a train out to Madrid or a boat to Marbella or something

I don't mean to brag. This is just the idea...and we probably can't afford all of this cool stuff AND food...but that's the plan. Sorry, I had the chance to go to Europe with the family...and I took it. I would hope that, given the opportunity, you would do the same. Anyway, I've gotta change a load of laundry, so have a great day...and let me know how you're doing. Hopefully you're exhausted from partying all night. If not, enjoy your weekend however you need to enjoy it. Peace!!!

P.S. In case you were interested, I found out yesterday afternoon that I was denied an interview for that managerial job at my work. No biggie. Their loss, my gain. Same pay, no responsibility, and I can still flirt with coworkers. Watch out Box Girl.

Afternoon Laziness

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, let's see. After work yesterday, I went home to finish watching Season 2 of Drawn Together...and after about fifteen minutes, fell asleep. No, not because it was a boring show...but I guess my exhaustion just caught up with me. It does that from time to time. I'll just finally be able to sit down and relax...then I'm waking up about a half-hour later wondering what the hell happened. Hopefully it's not a radon leak or something...but I'll keep you posted. So yeah, if you haven't seen "Drawn Together" for one reason or another (no Comedy Central, Entertainment Weekly giving it an F rating, high moral standards, etc.) then I think that you should. If you like my blog, you'll probably like the show...and if you don't like my blog, why are you reading this? Don't get me wrong, it's appreciated. Anyway, enough about that.

The Score (2001) - I had never seen the full version of this movie...but it's a great thievery movie full of drama, conflict both internal & external, and brings together probably the greatest actors from three generations - Edward Norton, Robert DeNiro, & Marlon Brando. I can't really do a list for these three guys...because just about every movie they've been in would win a medal...and they've been around for a while. Marlon Brando though, rest in peace, but that guy is such a good actor that he can demand millions of dollars to be in a movie for about ten minutes of screen time. No nudity either. Now that's pull. DeNiro, sure he did "Rocky & Bullwinkle" and "Angel Heart" (for about five minutes of screen time) but other than that...nothing but great films. Ed Norton, I don't care what you say, I liked "Death to Smoochy." Anyway, this movie rocked. If you're a frustrated bank robber like me, then you may want to check this movie out.

Another cool thing about this movie, it was directed by Yoda. I'm serious. Director Frank Oz is the voice of Yoda...as well as Fozzy, Miss Piggy, Bert, Grover, the Cookie Monster, and my favorite animal, Animal. Just something to think about while you're watching...but it doesn't really mean anything. He also directed "The Dark Crystal", "Little Shop of Horrors", a few Muppet movies, and "Stepford Wives." Allegedly, during the filming of this movie, Marlon Brando (in his final performance, by the way) called Frank "Miss Piggy" in a condescending fashion. Isn't that ironic? Frank Oz must be a real gentleman because I would have retaliated with telling Mr. Brando in my best Yoda voice, "The pot calling the kettle black, is that not? Jabba, on your mark, get your ass." I'm sure that Marlon would have given out a lovely baritone chuckle and spoke some Tattoinne language with subtitles. Anyway, great movie.

P.S. After "The Score", I gave "Jane Austen's Mafia!" (Flush It in Comedy) another shot...and it still sucks. However, I was reminded of a new Flush It for Comedy by somebody...and it's "Napoleon Dynamite." Please explain to me what's supposed to be so damn funny about that movie. Is it that it's so lame? Is it that Jon Heder looks like he's going to sneeze throughout the whole movie? It inspires me though. If that movie can make money, then my movie can make money. All I need is a few crazy people to think that it's funny...and they'll tell their crazy friends to go see it...then they'll tell their friends how much it sucked...so they'll have to see it first-hand...and by then I would have covered production costs ($20) just in time for its national release. It's a sweet idea.

Happy 69th birthday to the legendary Ben E. King!!! One of the great R&B singers of the 60's is still alive and kicking. If you're not familiar with him, he sings "Stand by Me" which the Top 10 in both 1961 and 1986 as well as some of the great 'doo-wop' songs of the era such as "Spanish Harlem", "Save the Last Dance", "I (Who Have Nothing)", and "This Magic Moment." If you don't have a greatest hits album of his, head down to Wal-Mart (or your iTunes site) and you can get it for ten bucks tops. It's worth every penny and more. Also, feel free to stop by the Stand by Me Foundation website and help out your fellow man. Tell Ben that I said hi. We're tight like that.

Well, today I'm off from work. For lunch, I'm going to meet up with my grandma (the seventeen kids one) and another woman in her seventies to discuss our trip to Europe in a few weeks...and see what they are wanting, willing, and able to do while in Barcelona, Nice, Florence, Naples, Rome, Sicily, etc. It should be a great time. Hopefully, the fact that they're in their seventies won't slow us down...but that's cool. The trip is really for them. I've seen about half of the cities already...and I'm just there to cater to them, you know? That reminds me. I need to ask favors of my buddies who speak Spanish, French, & Italian for some basic phrases...so I can be a true tourist...but at least one that tries. For some reason, I took German in high school...and haven't really been able to use it with anyone ever since. I do enjoy reading Ruben's blog and slowly translating it when I have extra time at work...but that's about the extent of it.

Afterwards, I may be partying. We shall see. Anyway, have a great weekend everybody!!! I'm gonna watch some Mythbusters On-Demand about Superheroes. Kari is soooo hot. Here's another picture...mostly for me.

I'm telling ya, I like the pigtails.

Excuse me, Ms. Byron. My name is $teve.

Yeah, that $teve from the letters. I was wondering if you've

considered my offer to co-star in my new show "Nutbusters."

Yes, that outfit would be perfect...for now.

On the next "Nutbusters", Kari & I are going to finally answer the myth -

Can a woman orgasm for a solid hour? (Start title sequence)

Mythbusters & Baby Pics

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

I know that you've missed me these past...well, seven hours or so. Okay, probably not...but here's another entry since you probably haven't read yesterday's yet. No biggie. My schedule's a little out there sometimes. Besides, the earlier I get to work, the earlier I can go home...and I have a three-day weekend. Yippee!!! First things first though, I did receive a call from Bubbles last night at work shortly before leaving...and she went to the emergency room because she couldn't keep anything down...but she says that she's doing a little better now...and should be working with me later today. Whew. I'm glad that she's okay.

This morning, I woke up, showered, got dressed, got some Loaded Breakfast burritos at Carl's Jr. for my breakfast, and then was quickly reminded why I like my usual schedule. It took me 20 minutes to get on the freeway (I live two miles from it tops) and then another 20 minutes to go the four miles on the freeway to work. I dislike traffic very much. About halfway through the freeway portion, I was reminded that I had not taken my Morning Deuce...and needed to find a bathroom quickly. I finally made it to the parking lot...and then a lady flagged me down because her motorcycle had tipped over and she needed some help lifting it. Heavy lifting is not the best thing when you're prairie dogging...but being the gentleman that I am, I helped out...and my sphincter held true. Long story short, I made it...just barely. During the last minute or so, I swear that I could here some kind of dramatic thriller music gradually getting louder until the finally violin strum...and bass drum roll. How's that for overdramatizing my bowel movement? True story though.

World Domination Update - It's official. With a blogger from Egypt checking in at least once, I have spread to SIX continents in less than a month. All I need now is a Penguin to use their laptop in Antarctica...and my mission is complete. Bwahahahahahahaaa!!! I mean...thanks everybody. You guys rock!!! Hopefully I'm entertaining you guys to the best of my abilities.

Mythbusters - I like the show Mythbusters on the Discovery Channel. What's not to like about a show where loveable engineering nerds get to test urban legends and myths? However, I find myself yelling at the screen sometimes because they test the myths...but not in the most effective way. Like the launching a human being with a bunch of pressurized 2-liter bottle rockets and it kept pulling down because the center of gravity was off-center. So I yelled at the screen, "Tuck the feet up. The center of gravity is off. Put Buster in the fetal position, then launch him off the pier. It'll work dammit!!!" Only now do I realize that it was actually taped months (possibly years) earlier...and even IF Adam & Jamie could have heard me, it was too late.

Okay, but the real reason that I watch the show...is Kari Byron. She is gorgeous...and an engineering nerd. When she rocks the pigtails. Giggidy!!! However, despite her flawless appearance, quick wit, and seemingly pleasant nature, I think that there's a conspiracy to it. I believe...that she is actually a robot. How else could she be so seemingly perfect? Engineering nerd, always smiling and gorgeous, redhead, great lung capacity, funny & charming, it all seems to add up. She very well may be a prototypical sexbot years ahead of her time. Anyway, more on that as evidence shows itself. I've sent a few emails to Mythbusters (such as the bottle launcher idea previously stated) but I think that they disregard them...because I usually end the message by offering my services in a great spin-off idea for a show that can be shown during the later hours. It involves Ms. Byron and myself starring in "Nutbusters" as we investigate the truth behind sexual urban legends and myths. I already have the first season's worth of ideas taken care of...and there should be plenty of viewer mail for what they'd like to see Kari & I test out. What do you think? Would you watch?

Anyway, back to the PG-rated universe. With my last entry about all those baby movies. I thought that I would share with you some of my baby pictures...because at one time, I was fairly cute...and I like to reminisce on those days. Anyway, here are a few that I happened to have handy...and most of them feature my mom and/or brother Kiel too, so enjoy...

The first picture of $teve?

The prophecy has been fulfilled!!!

Go forth and spread the word!!!

I like this picture of my mom & me.

Mostly because she's smiling and I look like a drugged Gremlin.

My brother and me

Here's an 18th century wood carving

of me feeding my brother.

Another picture of me feeding him.

What am I trying to see? God bless LASIK surgeons.

Age 6 - Notice how I'm almost as tall as Donald Duck

It's a running theme in my life.

Anyway, that's enough for me today. Busy day at work...so I'd better get on the ball. My three day weekend is just a few hours away. Wish me luck!!! Have a great weekend yourself. Peace.

Alcohol is Evil

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

A bit of a late start to this entry tonight...because this morning was...well, more on that later...and work has been busy busy today. So yesterday, I mentioned that I had acquired "Knocked Up" and was anticipating its viewing at my home theatre (I'm thinking of naming it the Cooliseum, what do you think?). Friend, coworker, and avid blog reader Bubbles said that she would be interested in seeing this movie with me...and that was cool. More the merrier. For those who may not be aware, I am not much of a drinker...but in social situations, I will partake...but for these social occasions, I have an extensive collection of alcoholic beverages at my house. I kid you not when I say that it is REALLY more than half of the food and/or beverages in my fridge at any given time (bachelor). Just a little bit of everything.

Bubbles likes to drink. It was my house, so I wanted a drink or two. We made some mixed drinks (Sprite & Vodka, Dr. Pepper & Appleton Rum) then a few shots of Crown Royal later on with a Corona to wash it down over the course of about four hours. Yes, I know the movie was only two hours...but we took breaks for the drinking and got into the usual drunken conversation. During which, she says that she wants to be my new Wingman. I have no objections to that at all. However, being a woman, she wouldn't be a Wing-Man...more of a Wing Chick...or here we go, Chick 'n' Wing. "Mmm mmm, that's finger f**king good!" (BTW, Season 2 of Drawn Together is awesome)


Side Note: A guy at my work calls me "Colonel" probably because I have the appearance of a young, tall, sexy Colonel Sanders...with the facial hair, squinty eyes, and a love for finger lickin' foods. I can understand it. This guy's name is also Steve, so I understand it may be awkward to call somebody by their Christian name bearing a striking resemblance to yours, I guess. I don't take any offense though...because I like the Colonel...and his wonderful chicken with eleven herbs & spices...the biscuits aren't the best though. His wife also used to work here and she said, in front of him, that I was her favorite Steve, so he really can't hurt me with his stupid nicknames.


Back to last night. So after the movie and a bit of drinking, it was after 1 AM and we had work the next day, so I offered to drive her home (because she was tipsy). Don't drink & drive. The only reason I didn't just call her a cab...was because I was still able to do complex mathematical equations in my head...and that's my meter. I got her home to her mom & brother...and all was well...until this morning. I woke up feeling pretty green. I'm talking green like Bruce Banner doing taxes. My morning consisted of the Body of Christ diet (bread & water) and time torn between watching Season two of "Drawn Together" and kneeling before Pukestra, the pagan vomit god in my humble bathroom alter.

Luckily, I was able to compose myself just before coming to work...and hearing that Bubbles wasn't doing well at all. She stopped in for a few minutes but left shortly after. Hopefully she's home getting some R&R but she won't return my text messages, so I'm not sure. I feel a little responsible...but it was honestly her idea to drink. I don't have to drink, especially on a Tequila Tuesday...because it ALWAYS leads to a Wobbly Wednesday. A lesson learned many many times over...but she was convincing (damn you & your curvy silhouette). Anyway, yeah. Lesson learned again. Maybe I should give up drinking all together. I've considered it...because it's kind of like me giving up sex now. It doesn't really happen often enough to notice until the situation presents itself. However, if I have me a new Chick 'n' Wing then maybe that'll change too. I just hope that she's doing okay. I'm sure that she is though. She's kind of a veteran of these things. She's a cool chick...and I'm glad that I was there to keep her from doing something stupid (besides the drinking too much). Oh yeah, "Knocked Up" is smurfin' hilarious too. Check out the Deleted Scenes too. There's a couple good ones about a friend asking to date an unborn daughter and Jonah Hill talking about "Brokeback Mountain."

Vick Update - Okay, Michael Vick can't seem to keep shooting himself in the foot. Allegedly, he failed a drug test...and unlike standardized tests, he can't blame racial bias. He tested positive (which is a negative) for marijuana, so now the judge in the dogfighting case has put him on curfew. Good. However, I can understand Vick's position though. If I were going to jail, all my multi-million dollar sponsorship deals have gone the way of the Dodo, and my future was in serious jeopardy, then I'd probably take a few bong hits too. I just hope it wasn't those same friends that turned trick on him that offered him the pot. Anyway Mike, I hope that you've really learned your lesson through all this stuff...and turn your life around. You'll have plenty of time to contemplate it as you're staying in a Virginia state prison. Sorry dude. It's the law.

That's a Big Baby!!! - A Siberian woman gave birth to her 12th child Nadia and she weighed in at 7.75 kilograms (or 17 pounds to us American folk). The average weight is about seven pounds. I was a big baby...and was about eight-and-a-half. This woman passed a one-year old. Oh, and just so you ladies know, it was a C-section. Her father has already suggested that Nadia get a job. Anyway, with talk about "Knocked Up", this gigantic baby, and my buddy the Mad Scientist asking for a good movie to ease his girlfriend into letting him see "Knocked Up", I've comprised today's list...of baby movies that are good if you're into babies...or if you consider children a side effect of a good time...

Good Baby Movies

Medal Winners

Gold - Knocked Up (2007) - This movie was simply hilarious. Great for guys & gals alike. Director Judd Apatow, Seth Rogan, Paul Rudd, and all the other cats that brought you "40-Year old Virgin" (Silver medal in Comedy) bring you their take on unplanned pregnancy from both angles, the mother and the baby daddy. It's heartwarming and all that stuff too (granted I was drinking, so that may have had something to do with it) so it's a good movie...even if you don't care for children. It's good for laughs at other people who do. So there.


Silver - Nine Months (1995) - I'm not a big Hugh Grant fan. Honestly, this movie and "Love Actually" are about the only ones that I can watch on an empty stomach...but it's pretty funny. Tom Arnold is there for a comedic sidekick too. Julianne Moore's a hot redhead and does a striptease to "Let's Get It On" and that should always get you a medal in my book. Hugh Grant is a bachelor and impregnates his girlfriend (Moore) so now he has to change his lifestyle completely to make way for the child...and deal with everything new like minivans, hormonal shifts, baby vomit, and all the other blisses of childrearing. Tom Arnold is his guide. How could this movie NOT be funny?


Bronze - Father of the Bride Part 2 (1995) - Apparently '95 was a good year for baby movies. Steve Martin is a comedic genius. However, I've noticed that his movies have become more & more family oriented as he's gotten older. He started with "The Jerk" (1979) Rated-R classic, then to "Roxanne" to "Three Amigos" to "Father of the Bride" and now all that "Cheaper by the Dozen" stuff. Quite the slippery slope...but understandable. By the way, some cynics may say that after kid #8 on "Cheaper by the Dozen" that somebody should have had their tubes tied...but I disagree. My mom is one of seventeen kids...and in all honesty, if my kids looked Piper Perabo and Hilary Duff, you should be thanking me for making more. Anyway, this movie is funny in the family style and both his daughter and wife are pregnant, so it's doubly funny...and Martin Short is in it. Rent it. Watch it with kids or girlfriend or whatever. Support your buddy Steve Martin. He has a name that you can trust.


Suggestion - She's Having a Baby (1988) - John Hughes classic starring Kevin Bacon and Elizabeth McGovern as the lucky couple...and the greatest actor of our generation, Alec Baldwin, is in it too. I've only seen the Comedy Central version of this movie (so there's probably more swearing and/or nudity in the real version) but it was pretty good. I especially love Kevin Bacon's initial reaction to the news of his wife's pregnancy. "AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" It's up there with Seth Rogan's "F**k you. What?" in Knocked Up. Anyway, if you're flipping through the channels and see playing it on Comedy Central, it's worth a watch. "Three Men & A Baby" (1987) and it's sequel should be on this list somewhere too...but there's just not enough room.


Flush It - The Omen (1976 or 2006) - I would have flushed that kid. Sure, you may sentimentally attached by that age and everything...but the first time that you try to kill me or stare at me creepily as I dangle over the edge or anything of that nature, you'd better pray that I fall hellion because my next mission after self-preservation is to break my foot off in your asshole. If it breaks in the fall, it just makes it that much easier. I guess this really isn't a baby movie...but I couldn't really think of any really bad one that wasn't a chick flick. Oh well, let it be known. Satan, if you send your kid after me, he'd better be good and have some Superman powers or something.

Amendment to Flush It - Look Who's Talking Trilogy (1989-1993) - Blog reader BSUWG (check his site out, it's hilarious...and insightful) has just brought to my attention the new Flush It...and it actually pertain to this category. After Saturday Night Fever & Urban Cowboy...but before Pulp Fiction, in the barren wasteland known as the 1980's, John Travolta was talked into some stupid movies. At least Bruce Willis & Danny DeVito only had to lend their voices to these movies. "Oh look, the baby can talk. That's so cute." "Oh, now there's two babies...but one sounds like Roseanne." "Oh, now the pets are talking...and licking themselves." Seriously? Amy Heckerling is a great director ("Fast Times at Ridgemont High", "Johnny Dangerously", "National Lampoon's European Vacation", & "Night at the Roxbury") but she also has misses too ("Clueless" and the first two "Look Who's Talking" movies). Oh well. It's more than I've ever done...yet.

Future Watch - ??? - Honestly, it's not a genre that I know of any future openings. I guess I could say watching the unbastardized version of "She's Having A Baby" or something. Honestly, my immediate future watch is to finish off my workday with lunch now and without any impromptu dashes to the men's room. I am starting to get a little hungry. Maybe I'll get me a hamburger and some vegetables (onion rings = onions + vegetable oil, right?). Have a good night y'all...

David Caruso in Jade

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

And now, a dramatic scene from the classic movie "The 40 Year Old Virgin" and action...

Cal: "Be kind of a dick. Be...be David Caruso in 'Jade'!"
Andy: "I know EXACTLY what you mean."
Cal: "Okay, go plant that seed. Plant that seed with your finger."

Everytime that I see that movie, I laugh hysterically at that part...because I've seen my share of CSI: Miami and David Caruso...acts like kind of a dick...but I had never seen 'Jade' before. Well, that changed last night. I had seen the preview a lot back when it first came out...but being a young buck had never cared to see it. Well, I was in the mood for a murder-mystery thriller and it had finally showed up through Blockbuster Online, so I watched it. Caruso plays a San Francisco assistant DA who's investigating the murder of a local millionairre...and it leads into a twisted world of sex, money, & power. Who else is in this movie? How about Chazz Palminteri (Usual Suspects), Linda Fiorentino (Men in Black), Angie Everhart (Bordello of Blood), and Michael Biehn (Terminator). I was hoping this might be a movie where Michael Biehn didn't fire off a shot...and I would finally find a movie where he isn't an action star...but he played a cop...and shots were fired. Maybe next time.

This movie was actually pretty intense at most points. There's a few kick-ass scenes where Caruso's brakeline is cut...in San Francisco, a magnificent chase scene through Chinatown and all over San Fran, gruesome murders (implied actual violence), and people being thrown through stuff...and in between, that dramatic thriller stuff where you think "Did he do it?" "Did she do it?" "They don't have an alibi. Book 'em Horatio...er David." Anyway, it's worth a look if you haven't seen it yet. Oh yeah...and Angie Everhart says that she prefers girls mostly in an interrogation, then I zoned out for a few minutes, but I don't think I missed anything important.

I'm doing an early blog today...because I'm not going to be able to at work today...and I'm anxiously awaiting Best Buy to open so that I can get my copy of Season 2 of "Drawn Together" FINALLY!!! If you haven't seen Drawn Together, you owe it to yourself to satisfy your sick sense of humor and watch it. Also, "Knocked Up" comes out today. Oh yeah...and some Nicholas Cage movie...but I don't care what people tell me, he's not that hot. He looks like he could use a nap or something. He usually sounds like he just got back from the dentist's office or something and the novacaine hasn't worn off yet. Come back to that, Bubbles!!! Anyway, today's celebrity birthdays are quite extensive.

Catherina Zeta-Jones (38) - Michael Douglas must be one charming son of a Spartacus. How else could that geriatric pull in a lady like this. Great actress though. I really like "Intolerable Cruelty" and of course, the Zorro movies. Giggidy.

Will Smith (39) - Is "I am Legend" a remake of Vincent Price's "Last Man on Earth"? I can't seem to find an answer on that. Anyway, happy birthday to the Fresh Prince. I wonder if he still hangs with DJ Jazzy Jeff.

Scottie Pippen (42) - Bonus points to anybody who knows where Scottie Pippen went to college without googling it. More if you can tell me which team drafted him...and who he was traded to the Bulls for. Really? No other sports trivia nerds out there? Fine, go ahead and google it. Some may say that he's overrated and just happened to be on a team with Michael Jordan at the right time...and I might be right...but still, he was a good player...but 50 Greatest of All-Time? Did you see him during the Blazer and Rocket years?

Heather Locklear (46) - Really, 46? Is it plastic surgery? Voodoo? Genetics? Camera tricks? Deal with Satan? What is it that keeps her so gorgeous? She could still star as herself in the new TV movie "Cops in Crisis: The T.J. Hooker story" on FOX. Okay, there's really not a TV movie about the making of T.J. Hooker...but William Shatner is hilarious...and Heather Locklear is hot.

Mark Hamill (56) - I love it when a celebrity is able to poke fun at himself (like Adam West). He's an accomplished voice actor since his Luke Skywalker days. He appears on "Robot Chicken" all the time...and is the voice of the Joker on most Batman cartoons. However, he'll always be remembered as that whiny teenager from Tattoinne who blew up the Death Star and was 'this close' to banging his sister. Thank goodness that Han Solo saved him from that.

Michael Douglas (63) - Holy shit!!! They have the same birthday? My God, it's starting to make more sense. He'll always remember Catherine's birthday...at least until the Ahlzheimer's kicks in full throttle...early 2009. I'm just playing. He's really a great actor back in the day...and I was raised on "Romancing the Stone" and learned a very important lesson from that movie. The T stands for Trustworthy. Still, he was celebrating his 25th birthday when his wife was born. Now, I've dated my share of girls younger (and older) than me, but come on!!! He's not a rock star. Is he? Who knows? Maybe...somewhere out there...there's a 17 month old daughter out there that will marry me for my money and publicity...in about 17 years. Fingers crossed.

Anyway, have a great day...and I'll see you tomorow. Same bat time...same bat channel...okay, the time'll be different...so use your VCR or DVR or whatever. Bye.

Sunday Rainy Sunday

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday was a good day. First off, I didn't work. I like those days. Secondly, I went to see my mom for the day in the beautiful city of Eden. I completely forgot that it was fall...and even though the weather was gloomy & rainy, it was absolutely gorgeous with all the browns, golds, oranges, reds, and the reflection off the lake on the drive over there. I would recommend the drive to anybody, but please do it soon. We had our first hint of snow last night, so the colorful leaves will probably fall off soon (hence the season) and I blame Al Gore. I didn't have my good camera...but I did take this picture on my phone. I hope that it gives you an idea...and convinces you that Utah is a beautiful place that everyone should get out & see if they get the chance...before it's too late.


My mom's is a calming place for me. Whenever I'm feeling a little stressed and just need to get away for a day or something, I know that I can go there and talk with her...as she has me do manual labor that she's been procrastinating or that my stepdad simply won't do. Luckily, she didn't have any tasks this time. I wasn't particularly stressed or anything. I just wanted to say howdy & hang with her for a few hours. Also, my niece Kairi was up there...and she's a lot of fun. I also watched a little football and want to thank the Philadelphia Eagles for FINALLY winning a game...and in convincing fashion over the previously undefeated Detroit Lions, 56-21. Not only that, but they did it wearing probably the most God-awful uniforms ever designed. It was like the Michigan outfit...but with UCLA colors. Great job guys!!!


For dinner, she made me my favorite dinner, Danish Pork. Basically, it's a pound or so of pork tenderloin covered in flour, then fried in a half-stick of butter. Add mushrooms. Make a creamy sauce of half & half with a few squirts of ketchup. Simmer a bit. Serve on top of rice...or asparagus is also pretty good with it. It's really the one really good slightly exotic meal that I know how to cook and it's delicious. I have used it more than once to impress the ladies...and they like the fact that I'm willing to cook them a healthy meal using vegetables like asparagus (forgetting that they saw me simmer tenderloin in butter & make a creamy sauce). I have a few other specialties...but my mom makes Danish Pork the best.


After dinner, I said bye to my mom and drove my niece home to my brother's and hung out there for a few hours before driving home in a torential downpour. Good times. When I got home, I felt like watching a movie...so I threw in one that I recently rented from Blockbuster that looked promising, "DOA: Dead or Alive." Yes, it's based on a cheesy video game...and an even cheesier sequel where the characters play volleyball...but this movie was actually pretty good. I've never played the video games...but I've seen the commercials and I recall my brother renting it once & telling me about it. The movie was actually very good...considering the material. It your usual "Fighting tournament held on a remote island with an evil mastermind hosting it" format...and the cast is pretty good. Jaime Pressley is Tina Armstrong, a southern belle wrassler and Kevin Nash (WWE) plays her father, Bass. There's also a lot of other hotties like Devon Aoki (Sin City), Holly Valance (Prison Break), Sarah Carter (really hot), Natassia Malthe, and others. Not only that, but Eric Roberts (named Donovan) is an evil mastermind, Mark Marsden (Cyclops) is a thief, and even video game movie veteran Robin Shou (Lui Kang in Mortal Kombat) has a cameo as a pirate. Full of great action scenes, some wit, and one of the coolest deleted scenes ever where Donovan has a conversation with his computer genius Weatherby and makes a reference to a cheat code that my brother told me about.


Donovan: "This Kasumi (Aoki) is a most interesting specimen."
Weatherby: "Would you like me to make her naked? I can do that."
Donovan: "Weatherby! We are scientists. We are conducting this experiment in the pursuit of... yeah, make her naked."


I like it when a movie sticks to the video game for the most part...no matter how far-fetched the storyline may be. So without further ado, here is my prognosis of movies made from video games. Enjoy!!!


Video Game Movies


Medal Winners


Gold - Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001) - Don't judge me. It's actually a great movie. I'm a big fan of Indiana Jones, the Librarian, Goonies, even National Treasure and all those treasure hunting movies. Then you throw in robots, wiseass assistants, a butler with a shotgun, ninjas (okay, a legion of evil minions in black), and an Angelina Jolie shower scene. My friend, you have earned yourself a gold medal from this blogger. Oh yeah...and lest I forget the stunningly hot female ass-kicking character with an okay British accent, lots of guns, fully loaded ti...I mean clips, a bit of a wiseass in her own right, and sticking to the source material faithfully. Oh yeah, this is a great movie...and the sequel "Cradle of Life" (2003) had King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) in a role where he doesn't yell everything. Great flicks...check 'em out.


Silver - Mortal Kombat (1995) - To me, Christopher Lambert will always be the Highlander...but they needed an actor with a great voice for a thunder god...and Billy Dee Williams or Alan Rickman weren't available...and Tim Curry isn't intimidating unless he has giant horns and a lot of red makeup. What was my point? I forget. It was an okay movie...and stuck to the video game (sometimes too much) but it was a lot of fun (especially as a young teenager) and Bridgette Wilson & Talisa Soto are really hot. I also thought that it was kind of funny that the movie had a lower parental advisory rating than the video game...but those kids are your target demographic. The sequel's okay too. James Remar has the Raiden voice. I think he's a smoker.


Bronze - Street Fighter (1994) - Again, this is purely MY list. I like the Jean Claude Van Damme movies, no matter how silly they are to everybody except him. I'm also a big Street Fighter fan (back when I played a lot of video games...before turning 15 and working & going to school full-time). Raul Julia is hilarious as M. Bison (Gomez Addams' dictator brother?) and Kylie Minogue is hot...and plays Cammy. There's action, super cheesy video game references, Jean Claude giving speeches in his Belgian accent, a Godzilla reference, stealth boats, and enough nerdy things to keep you entertained thoroughly...especially if you've played the video game...a lot. Jean Claude does a backflip kick too. Twice.


Suggestion - Silent Hill (2006) - This was actually a pretty creepy movie...despite occasional stupid lines like "It looks like there was a fire here" after they spent the first hour-and-a-half of the movie in a charred-out miner town. DERRR!!! Other than that though, it has a creepy atmosphere (from the director of Brotherhood of the Wolf) and a creepy storyline. Again, I've never actually played the game...but I assume it's a Resident Evil RPG mold. In case you were wondering why Resident Evil didn't make the list...it has been mentioned a few times...and I like to keep my blog fresh. By the way, The Mad Scientist says that Milla's newest movie Resident Evil: Extinction is worth the price of admission...and he would know...he's a scientist.


Flush It - Super Mario Bros. (1993) - Dennis Hopper may have been experimenting during this phase of his life. "So...you want me to play this giant lizard guy Koopa...and have blonde cornrows on my head...and say a bunch of stupid video game stuff, is that right? How much are you going to pay me? Oh, really? Well then, I think we have a deal." I do like how they make fun at the whole, "Your name is Mario Mario?" aspect but other than that...I check out my MySpace videos for a few better Super Mario videos than this. Don't worry, I'm not going to make fun of Bob Hoskins or John Leguizamo for doing it...because they could have used the work back then.


Future Watch - Hitman (2007) - Sure, it seems like a Transporter 3 with Timothy Olyphant at the wheel, but I don't care. I've never played Halo, or care to, so that's not anticipated by me. However, here are a few suggestions for future video game movies out there.

• The Adventures of Bayou Billy - Tell me this wouldn't work. Adventure, Louisiana, it's Crocodile Dundee...starring Matthew McConaughey. Tell me that you wouldn't go see this movie, ladies.
• Alien vs. Predator vs. Metroid - If you think that it's super cheesy that the humans always seem to win in the Alien & Predator movies, I say level the playing field. Let Samus come in with the vast array of weaponry and have to eliminate a alien species from the planet (video game plot). In the finale, everybody's wondering who played Samus...and it's a huge rumor secret...and the actor ends up being...Adriana Lima? Directed by Dr. Mookie Love.
• Mega Man - Christopher Walken as Dr. Wiley, Haley Joel Osment as Mega Man (Oh yeah, he's gotta be a man by now. Does he still act?), and a lot of predictable robots. You could even have Dennis Hopper as Bomberman or something...
• Grand Theft Auto - I wonder if this would be rated R...
• Tetris - Okay, this one is going to take further thought...but only because I'm trying to figure out how to work the car chase scene to the tune of Havah Nagilah as the blocks fall from the sky. Directed by Tony Scott. Any thoughts?

Anyway, those are my thoughts of the day. I'd love to hear what you'd like to see on a movie screen near you. Have a great night!!!

Senior Year

Okay, I got this quiz thing on MySpace about what was going on your senior year of high school. It just goes to show that a lot can change in eight years or so. Anyway, here it is.

Fill this out about your SENIOR year of high school! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be.

1. Who was your best friend?
Chris & Dave - I haven't seen Dave in about 7 years...but I'll see Chris on Sunday probably. They live in Ogden

2. What sports did you play?
Basketball like it was a full-time job!

3. What kind of car did you drive?
My first car Carmen - a 1985 Chevrolet Camaro.

4. It's Friday night, where were you?
Working. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Guess where I was THIS Friday night...

5. Were you a party animal?
Not really. The opportunity rarely presented itself out in the country...and I wasn't into meth.

6. Were you considered a flirt?
Probably with all the academic olympiad girls. Those brainy girls liked me a lot. Not as much as I am now though.

7. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
No...but after watching American Pie, I realized I had probably made the wrong decision

8. Were you a nerd?
I was a nerdy jock. I got a bunch of academic awards...and could school anybody in the school when it came to basketball...and did.

9. Did you get suspended/expelled?
Two words - Reasonable Doubt

10. Can you sing the fight song?
"Together we stand, our future at hand. Our home, our alma mater. Loyal to you...oh Silver & Blue. Our own, our Fremont High!" How the hell do I remember that? I think it won a Grammy for lamest school fight song.

11. Who were your favorite teachers?
German teacher Herr Art Hansen & multi-subject (Biology, Chemistry, & Math) teacher Mr. Al Hansen. No relation.

12. Where did you sit during lunch?
We usually drove to a nearby convenience store to get sloppy joes for a buck.

13.What was your school's full name?
John C. Fremont High School - Plain City, UT

14. School mascot?
Silverwolves

15. Did you go to Prom?
Yes, with a lovely academic named Rebekah. We flew kites & other lame stuff during the day, then had dinner, danced, and HUGGED. Ladies, at least give us some tongue at the end of the night. Do you realize how many hours of work it takes to pay for a tuxedo rental, corsage, dinner for two, etc.? It wasn't even a bad date. We laughed constantly.

16. If you could go back and do it over, would you?
Yeah but I wouldn't focus on my academics as much. I got a 3.8 GPA when I should have been getting knee deep in cheerleader. Let that be a lesson to you kids out there. Fornicate when you can blame it on youth...but do it safely. It's much cheaper that way. So yeah, I would do it over...but I have no regrets. Had I not chosen the path that I did, I wouldn't be here...and that would suck.

17. What do you remember most about graduation?
Honestly? Not much. It was hot. We ate at El Matador afterwards. I was going on a trip to Europe in two weeks. Best part of that week was quitting my job.

18. What was your fave class?
German - Lots of hot girls

19. Where were you on senior skip day?
Senior skip DAY? That was like the last half of the year.

20. Did you have a job your senior year?
Courtesy clerk (bagger) at Winegar's Supermarket

21. Where did you go most often for lunch?
That convenience store or Del Taco

22. Do you keep in touch with your high school friends?
Only Chris really. My former stalker Aaron calls once in a while but I haven't seen him since I graduated college last year.

23. What did you do after graduation?
Your mom. Sorry, had to do it. I went to Europe for 5 weeks, spent four years at the University of Utah, practiced with the U of U men's & women's basketball teams, decided that the U had taken enough of my money with little to no return, went to SLCC, graduated with two degrees, and worked 40 hour per week since graduation.

24. When did you graduate?
1999 - Last class of the Millennium

25. Who was your Senior prom date?
Ann Erwin - Had a crush on her for the longest time, finally grew balls, it didn't work out too well. She ended up being a 2nd cousin and it was already weird by that point anyway.

26. Are you going to your 10 year reunion?
Two years from now? Probably. I could always say that I invented Post-Its or something.

28. What was your favorite thing to eat at lunch?
Peanut butter bars - Weren't those everybody's favorites? I also liked Del Tacos Macho Combo Burrito

29. Who was your boy/girlfriend?
Never really had one in high school...or for too long since. (Sigh)

30. What was your favorite memory of your senior year?
Playing basketball at Slaterville Park with my friends. Good times.

31. Did you like how you looked in your senior pictures?
It is my personal belief that there has yet to be a good picture taken of me. Possibly because I look like Johnny Depp with down syndrome or something, but I blame all cameras. The technology has just not reached the point to capture all of my essence on film or digital representation. Maybe in another decade or so...we shall see.

32. Who will repost this after you?
JL Clyde might. She gets bored easily...but only the cool kids will repost.

33. How have you changed since high school?
I'm more outgoing and confident in myself. The ladies like me more, I know that. Learned a lot in college. I also make a lot more money, can grow mediocre facial hair, and am no longer a virgin (thanks ladies). Other than that, I like to think that I'm still a cool nerdy jock.

Anyway, I'm going to hang out with my mom for the day...because I'm that cool. I'm fully recovered. Oh, you didn't know. I gave blood yesterday...and then spent the day at work with a sick lady...so last night was pretty miserable. However, after drinking plenty of fluids and a nine hour rest, I'm right as rain...whatever that means. Have a great weekend & I'll catch you tomorrow. Peace.

Giving Life - Part 2

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night at work, just before my shift was over, a sweet naive girl (yes, Box girl from the past few blogs) told me that she had been on the phone for the last half-hour with this guy...and after a few minutes, he started to talk about his girlfriend...and her bowel movements...and continued in other such discussions of scat...for about twenty minutes. She told me this and my response was something to the tone of...

$teve: "Ah, so you got one of these late night pervert calls? Nice."

Box Girl: "Really? Do you think that he was a pervert? That's a little creepy."

$teve: (Wow!!! Did you really just ask me that?) "Ugh...yeah. A stranger calls up on a toll-free number and continues to discuss his crap consistency and that of his girlfriend? I would say that guy has a fecal fetish of some sort."

Box Girl: "Oh man. How can you tell?"

$teve: (You still don't get it? Hmm...) "Well, for example, the two of you were talking about stuff that you normally wouldn't bring up with your friends, right?"

Box Girl: "Oh, my friends & I talk about that stuff."

$teve: (Nice. A hot girl who isn't afraid to talk about peanut logs.) "Actually...that's a bad example because my friends & I talk about that stuff too...but okay, how about in front of your family?"

Box Girl: "Nyeh, not too often...but if we ever needed to, we could."

$teve: (Family sounds open-minded...and I can talk about poo with them) "Yeah, my family too. Jeepers. (That's right, I said jeepers like a Scooby Doo cartoon) Well, obviously the coworker example isn't going to work since...well, here we are. I guess you're just an incredibly open individual...but if the situation comes up again and you feel uncomfortable, just say something like 'Sir, I would rather not discuss my fecal matter with you at this time & would appreciate getting back to work.' That usually works...and if not, hang up."

Box Girl: (Laughing) "Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. Oh man, do you think he was getting his jollies or something? Gross."

$teve: "Well...just look at it as...you made a weird man very happy with your conversation...and don't look any further into it. That sounds safe."

Box Girl: (Laughing) "Aaah, gross. Oh well, that's a good spin on it, I guess."

$teve: "Besides, you made my evening too. I can't tell you how often I've been getting ready for work & thought 'Man, I hope I get to talk about pooh with a lovely female coworker. I hope today is that day' and it was."

Box Girl: "Well, my ride's waiting, so I'd better get going. Thanks $teve."

$teve: "It's my pleasure. Anytime." As she walks away, I check out her backside...and catch her glancing back at me smiling. This probably would have been a good opportunity to throw out the digits or something...but I'm a patient man...and a coward, so we'll see how it goes. I could take this situation several ways:

• This is how girls start casual conversations at work nowadays...by talking about poo, which is cool
• This is how a nervous girl in a new job start a conversation with a very attractive male coworker, which would be super cool
• She is really young & naive and I should drop this now before it's too late, which would suck...because she really cute & funny
• Somebody else is calling toll-free numbers late at night to talk dirty with young girls (or at least girls that sound young)
• We learned a lot about eachother...especially considering it could have just been a negative conversation about how creepy perverts are...but instead we found out a little about our family, friends, and something we both find funny, poop
• Most importantly, she's not scared to talk to me about anything...and vice versa, so this could be the start of something groovy ("Something tells me I'm into something good..." just came into my head. Does that ever happen to you?)
• I could just be overreacting. That happens a lot. I think too much about...well everything. Anyway, more to come as it develops. Back to you, Hope...

This morning, I awoke to the pleasant sound of an alarm clock (you know, that annoying yet effective AAAH AAAH AAAH AAAH kind) after a great six hour rest. After a little breakfast (granola bar), I went to the American Red Cross donation center to give life...and by that, I mean blood. I arrived a little early (as I do for just about everything) so they checked me in, asked me the donor questions, had me fill out the forms, and all of that mess.


By the way, I was reading through some of the questions...and some just kind of depressed me for a few moments. It's like a little reflection on the fun that you've had the past year. There's about a dozen questions of "In the past 12 months, have you had sex with anybody who has (horrible disease)?" and you're thankful that you haven't, thus avoiding disease...but then you think "Man, I need to get out more. I should at least be thinking about this for a few seconds, but there's only been one...and that was a great month but..." or there's the travel questions about being outside of the country...then you start thinking "I wish. That'd be sweet." and you zone out for a second thinking about a week in Brazil in that village where all the Victoria's Secret supermodels come from. "Sir, are you finished with the question?" "What? Oh...yeah, almost. Sorry. I was just...thinking about...math?" "Oh...okay." Whew.


After I finally focused & completed the questions, they came & told me, "Great. Now if you'll just walk over there, Cammi is waiting for you." "Which one is Cammi?" "She's the redhead over there." First thought, Angie Everhart in "Bordello of Blood." Second thought, these people are professionals. They need to get my blood pumping good, so what do they do? Have me lie down next to a cute redhead with green eyes in a nurse outfit. If they would have had "Get Low" playing in the background, there would have been a cover charge. Anyway, she was very gentle...and sucked me thoroughly...and I was a little light-headed afterwards. She even gave me a cookie & white grape peach juice afterwards. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better result...and not been slapped for it. Now, that my double entendre rant is done, allow me to mention that Cammi was twelve weeks pregnant and completely professional. After helping save three lives (in my optimism), I went home for an hour or so before heading back to work for the day.


While there, I got an email from my aunt & uncle saying that they're going to be hanging at the Barbary Coast, where I partied on Lucky Day 7/7/07 after my Wingman's wedding. I may go hang out with them...but I'm sure there was something in the information I read this morning about giving blood & drinking alcohol afterwards...and it was against it. We'll see. I'm glad that I'm one of those cats that don't have to drink to have a good time...and I haven't seen them in about three months, so we'll see. If anybody wants to party later, that's where it's at...and remember, I was the hottest guy there last time, so you're chances are pretty good at getting with a biker chick...if that's your thing. You know, I just realized that it's been a few days since I did one of my movie lists. How about this?


Vampire Movies


Medal Winners


Gold - Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992) - This star-studded movie is just awesome. Gary Oldman is a mythological monster of unending evil...but loves Winona Ryder...and who could blame him (then). Sir Anthony Hopkins is Van Helsing (not Wolverine). Keanu gives his usual adequate performance of a pivotal character. Luckily, he didn't try an English accent. Oh wait, he did? Oh, well then it sucked. Speaking of which, since when is being sucked dry by a trio of hot vampires a bad thing. Don't ruin it for the rest of us. Also, what ever happened to Lucy (Sadie Frost)? In all seriousness though, it's a great movie by Francis Ford Coppola...and some may call it the Godfather of Vampire movies...but that's just stupid. Also, check out "Dracula: Dead & Loving It" (1995) if you'd like to see a Mel Brooks parody of it.


Silver - From Dusk Till Dawn (1995) - Robert Rodriguez & Quentin Tarantino turn George Clooney into a badass...and launch his movie career with a horror flick. Awesome. The Gecko Brothers are on the run after breaking out of prison and have kidnapped a family & their RV to take them across the Mexican border. It works...and to celebrate they stop at a trucker establishment called "The Titty Twister" and wait for their contact in Mexico...but something's wrong. If you haven't seen this movie yet, I pity you a little bit...but as far as horror movies go, this is a fun one with dialogue by Quentin Tarantino and shooting (film, that is) by Robert Rodriguez with stars like Clooney, Harvey Kietel, Juliette Lewis, Cheech Marin, Danny Trejo, Salma Hayek, Fred Williamson, and other recognizable faces. "Where are we going?" "Mexico." "What's in Mexico?" "Mexicans." Love it.


Bronze - Blade: Trinity (2004) - I actually liked the Blade trilogy...but the third installment was my favorite because...well, somewhere between Ryan Reynolds' smart ass remarks & Jessica Biel's taut rear end, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Oh yeah, Wesley Snipes is a badass too...but he was third fiddle in my book. That Prison Break guy (Dominic Purcell) did a good job as Drake or whatever he was supposed to be too. Honestly, I was thinking about putting a Kate Beckinsale movie this spot ("Underworld" or "Van Helsing") but I couldn't decide...so I'll just keep her in my pocket for another time.


Suggestion - John Carpenter's Vampires (1998) - Okay, I know what you're thinking. James Woods? As a vampire hunter? Really? Yeah, it's a little better than you would think. It's from John Carpenter, the guy who brought you "Halloween", "The Fog", "Escape from New York/LA", "The Thing", "Starman", "They Live", and other classics. Would you expect anything less than a great horror flick? This is a pretty action packed one if I remember correctly (it's been a few years). I say give it a shot...because James Woods is from Rhode Island if anything else.


Flush It - Bloodrayne (2005) - Okay, aside from Kristanna Loken ("Terminator 3" sexbot) and watching her thirty second nude/sex scene, this movie was extremely lame...even for a video game remake. Director Uwe Boll must be a sweet talkin' SOB because he convinced Michael Madsen, Udo Kier, Billy Zane, Meatloaf, Michelle Rodriguez, and SIR BEN KINGSLEY into doing this movie. My guess? "Iz good movie...and you can watch Kristanna Loken sex scene, ja? Das ist gut. Sign here." Anyway, it's pretty bad...and that's a bold statement coming from me.


Future Watch - Castlevania (2009) - I actually just found out about this one...but apparently "Stomp the Yard" director Sylvain White (odd) is going to direct and Paul W.S. Anderson (Milla's baby daddy) is going to write. Other than that, and probably including that, it's all rumored. It very well may not happen but I found out on IMDB when I was checking to see if the video game was going to be adapted...and yay, it is...theoretically. Can't wait to see how the Belmonts take on the forces of evil. It's like Indiana Jones...with vampires. Anyway, we shall see.


That's more than enough for today. I'm going to continue drinking plenty of fluids and no heavy lifting (I wonder if the bathroom counts) for the next few days...and if you're interested in donating blood (which would make you super cool too), contact your local American Red Cross chapter. Have a groovy weekend!!!

World News Update with Mookie Love

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Not much has happened since we last spoke...except I got con'd into working late again. The lady who was supposed to work wasn't feeling well...and I have no social life (sigh) so I'm covering for her...because I'm a sucker. Speaking of sucker, I'm going to be donating blood again tomorrow morning before my shift. I'll let you know how that goes. Other than that, just trying to make my resume & cover letter stand out...and that's hella lame...so let's check out the news...

Seven Year Itch - Germany - Bavarian politician Gabriele Pauli has suggested that marriages should last just seven years...and then the couple has the option of extending it another seven years...or going back into the free agent market. Why seven? Why not? Seven sins. Seven dwarves. Marilyn Monroe's "Seven Year Itch", it's a nice round number...but not exactly round. Anyway, back to the point. Her reasoning is that "The basic approach is wrong...many marriages last just because people believe they are safe." Interesting point. Being twice-divorced herself, she has a LOT more experience in the field than I do...but I can see her point. However, I would like to add my own little spin on that too...by saying that if the marriage ends after seven years, then you leave with the assets that you came into the marriage with. It's a bold idea...and I hope that people would consider the contract extensions...if'n it passes the legislation...but I wouldn't hold my breath.

My favorite part about this story...check out the picture on her website. She strikes a pose with her Ducati motorcycle. Now that's a politician that you can trust. A middle-aged redhead standing up for women's rights in a male-dominated society of Nazi offspring Catholic conservatives? I don't care what you say, that's hot.

Amsterdam Update - Netherlands - No, this isn't an update on my future trip there...but rather a news flash about a third of the Red Light District's prostitution establishments are becoming condoms...sorry, CONDOS. Freudian slip, I guess. One of the major male-madames of Amsterdam has sold his enterprise to a real estate company and thus the Red Light District seems to be fading away...like the city of Venice. So go check both out while you still can. For soon, you may not be able to roll up a fattie on the back of a Dutch lover as you both gaze out the window at the Anne Frank House in orgasmic bliss for much longer. Just a heads up...

Sumo Wrestling Ain't for the Ladies - Japan - As many of you know, I'm all for women in sports (see crushes on Sue Bird, Svetlana Abrosimova, Martina Hingis, Gabrielle Reece, any figure skater or gymnast, etc.) but if there was ever a sport were women were FORBIDDEN, it's sumo wrestling. Apparently, there was kind of a big deal when a women carrying flyers reading "Help, bad spirits" rushed a sumo ring moments before a match. This is strictly forbidden. So much so that, in 2001, a female governor of Osaka had to delegate prize-giving duties to a male subordinate. Now, I can understand no women COMPETING in sumo wrestling (you wouldn't watch it either, don't lie) but I guess it's tradition or something...and you can't hate on that...right? I thought so. Anyway, I think I've mentioned this before...but I like watching sumo tournaments. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the fact that it's two large guys slamming & slapping the hell out of eachother...but it's entertaining...and if I see it on ESPN, I have to watch until the end. Maybe that's how Big Brother tracks me, but I don't care. It works...like women's volleyball.

God Gets An Attorney - Heaven - Okay, a few days ago, I told you about the Nebraska Senator suing God. Well, God has hired legal council now...and it's ambulance chaser Eric Perkins of Corpus Christi, Texas. His claim - "Defendant denies that this or any court has jurisdiction over Him any more than the court has jurisdiction over the wind or rain, sunlight or darkness." So...what you're saying is God only exists as precipitation and photons? I thought I was going to Hell...see you there Mr. Perkins. Yeah, so this is just ridiculous now...and I'm done with it. Hopefully this doesn't make it out of small claims court because if they couldn't find jurors for O.J.'s latest...imagine how tough it's going to be for this one.

Home Team Woes - Russia - Andrei Kirilenko (owner of the coolest nickname in sports "AK-47") of the Utah Jazz is reportedly ready to forsake $63 million left on his contract to go play in Russia. I can understand the man leaving. He has a beautiful wife who's a famous Russian pop star, millions of dollars, and he can gladly retire back to his homeland. You can't hate on that. He apparently also feels that he's not being used to his full potential and has had his problems with coach Jerry Sloan. Maybe he just wants to be traded to a four-time NBA champion team like the San Antonio Spurs. If he decides to go home, then I'd like to offer to take Andrei's place on the squad...and I'll do it for $630,000. We're both a lanky two meters tall (I might even have more muscle mass), can handle the rock, splash an open three pointer, & are shot-blockin' fools. At one percent of his current contract, you're getting a STEAL...and I have no problem with riding the bench if needed...but I think after a few practices, you'll find a spot for me. I even think that coach Jerry Sloan is a basketball genius...and I'm an old school, hard-nosed (broken so many times) kind of player with a little flash to get the crowd in there too. Anyway, holla...

Anything else? If so, I'll just blog about it tomorrow when I'm here at work...again. Wish me luck with the blood donation. I'll let you know if anything else cool happens. Have a great weekend!!!